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Yes, Colgate Toothpoudre, the new all purpose toothpoudre, does everything you can expect or ask of a dentifrice. Try Colgate Toothpoudre today for teeth that sparkle and a breath that's sweet. Use Colgate Toothpoudre! Yes, Colgate Toothpoudre presents the Mel Blank Show, written by Mac Benoff with Mary Jane Croft, Joe Kearns, Hans Conrad, Fran Heflin, Earl Ross, Victor Miller and his orchestra, and starring the creator of The Voice of Bugs Bunny. Hey, what's up, Dad? Playing his new character, Zookie. Hello every... Hello every... Hi! And starring himself in person, Mel Blank. Hi folks, ugga ugga boo, ugga boo boo ugga. Music Well, here it is, the middle of May. If May is here, can June be far behind? In Mel Blank's little town, all the engaged couples are making plans for their dream house. And as they stop and gaze into the window of Miller's furniture store, Barbara Bevin says to her boyfriend, Jerry, Oh Jerry, what a lovely bedroom set. You like it Barbara? I promise you as soon as we're married, we'll move it right into our house. And Mary Jones says to her boyfriend, Tommy, Oh Tommy, what a lovely bedroom set. You like it Mary? I promise you as soon as we're married, we'll move it right into our house. And as Mel Blank and his girlfriend, Betty Colby, gaze rapturously at the furniture, Betty says, Oh Mel, what a lovely bedroom set. You like it Betty? I promise you as soon as we're married, we'll move it right into the window. Laughter Oh how silly. Oh Mel, I can just see our dream house now. Especially one little room, all done in blue and pink. With Mother Goose pictures on the wall. Well that's all right for me Betty, but where will you sleep? Laughter I'm talking about children. How many children would you like to have? Ten. But I think we'll have to settle for nine. Why? Well President Truman wants us to cut everything ten percent. Laughter Betty, how come you're suddenly talking about a home and children? Well Mel, don't you realize that next month's June? Doesn't that mean anything to you? June? Gosh Betty, I'm glad you reminded me. I've got to start saving money for firecrackers for the Fourth of July. Laughter No, I'll give you a hint. What happens all over the world in June? I don't know about anyplace else, but in California it rains. Laughter People get married in June. Oh but Betty, how can we get married? Your father hates me. Every night he sits in a parlor and watches us. Oh I know Mel. My old mind is watching so much, but he charges me fifty cents an hour for being a sitter. Laughter Betty, it's high time we got married. I'm sick and tired of getting kicked around. Let's go down to the supermarket. I'm going to talk your father into letting us get married. Music Hello father. Oh hello Betty. What brings you down to the supermarket? Hello Mr. Colby. Mr. Colby. Mel Blank, you idiot. I've been wanting to see you. What did you do to my sausage making machine? Oh I fixed it Mr. Colby. I was fixing a sewing machine and I may have got the parts mixed up. A sewing machine? So that's it. Something wrong? Plenty. All the frankfurters are coming out with belts in the back. Laughter Oh what are you complaining about Mr. Colby? Now you can advertise frankfurters by Hart, Schaffner and Swift. Laughter But Mr. Colby, the reason I'm here is because I want to marry your daughter. You want to marry my daughter? Mel Blank, my daughter couldn't possibly live with an idiot. I know Mr. Colby. That's why I want to marry her and take her out of your house. Laughter Mel Blank, I'll break your... Laughter I just can't get mad at anyone today. The editor of the supermarket journal is coming here tonight to interview me. And if he's impressed with me, he'll do the story of my life in the supermarket journal. That is if he doesn't find out that I have no education. Well Mr. Colby, that's nothing to be ashamed of. I've had very little education myself. I left school when I was 17. Well that's not so bad. But I didn't start until I was 16. Laughter Besides Mr. Colby, you shouldn't feel ashamed just because you're not educated. You have plenty of other reasons to feel that way. What? Laughter Oh, I always say the wrong thing. Betty, it's no use. Your father will never let us get married. Now just a second. Just a second. I'd be a little self-conscious lying about my education but... If you'd... well kind of... You mean if I sort of exaggerated about your education to this editor, you'll let me marry Betty? Well, I'd think about it more favorably. Mr. Colby, it's a deal. But Mel, can you make him believe I'm a college man? Oh, it's a cinch. Mr. Colby, how many years were you at Yale? Yale? I never even went near the place. You see, a Harvard man already. Laughter See how easy it is? Well, I don't know. I'm giving you a chance, Mel. But if you ball things up like you always do, your name will be Mud. Mud, huh? Hmm. Don't worry, Mr. Colby. I'll get my assistant Zucchi to go to the library and get some books on education. Come on, Betty. Just think. By this time next month, you and I will be Mr. and Mrs. Mud. Music Hello, Ms. Applebee... uh, eh, eh, Ms. Appleberry. Shh. Zucchi, you're in the library. Hello. Well, eh, Ms. Applebee... eh, eh, Ms. Applebee... eh, eh, eh, Ms. Applebee... Ms. Fruit Salad. Laughter Eh, you sure look pretty. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. In that dress you're wearing, it's, eh, it will be, well, it's, eh, eh, it's, eh... Whistle Oh, it's just a little something I threw on. Well, it sure landed in all the right places. Laughter Zucchi, how come I haven't seen you in the library for so long? Well, I've been, eh, busy, eh, I've been working hard. I've been studying, eh. I owe you two cents. Well, what are you doing here now? Well, eh, eh, Mel Blanc sent me over to get some books. Shh. What kind of books? Travel? In and out. History? In and in and in and in and out. Romance? Sure. What time do you get off? Shh. Zucchi, are you sure you know what you want? Yeah, but I still gotta get a book. Laughter You see, I'm here for Mel because if he can help Mr. Colby, he's gonna marry B-B-B-B-B-B... Quiet. No, Betty. Shh. Say, is this a library or are you making Raleigh cigarettes? Laughter Well, here are some books that may help you. A book on psychology, philosophy, and literature. philosophy and literature. Gee, books on sci- sci- sci- f- f- f- f- f- f- f- lit. Lit. Lit. Lit. Ha ha ha. Looks like sci- and fill are lit. Well, while Zuckey is taking the books to Mel, let's listen to Victor Miller and his orchestra and April Showers. The the the the the the the the the the the the Well, back to Mel Black. For the first time in months, Mel isn't in trouble. In fact, it looks like Mr. Colby is going to consent to Mel's marriage to Betty if Mel provides the proper educational background for Mr. Colby in his interview with the editor of the Supermarket Journal. Mel is in his fix-it shop dressing for his appearance at Mr. Colby's house when who should walk in but the first hint of trouble in the person of the town, Beau Brummel, Hartley Benson. Hello, Hartley. Some breeze out, isn't there? Mel, it's merely the hot breath of thousands of women panting after great big adorable me. In fact, Mel, old boy, I'm so entrancing, I take myself dancing. Well, Hartley, you may think you're beautiful, but I have brains. In fact, Mr. Colby thinks so much of my intelligence, he's asked me to supply the educational background for his interview tonight. Mel, Mel, I have news for you. Mr. Colby has asked me to convey to you the fact that he regards you as an ignoramus, and I'm to talk to the editor tonight instead of you. He doesn't want me? Why should he pick you? I'm just as educated as you are. Oh, yes, I'm Cornell, 38. So what? I'm Heinz 57. Besides, I don't believe you ever went to Cornell. Oh, no? Well, look at the Cornell Yearbook for 38 and you will see. Benson voted the man most likely to succeed at Vassar. Mel, old boy, they went wild over my student body. In fact, I was their star athlete. What game? Tiddly Winks. I played left tiddly. In fact, the beautiful girl was my downfall. I was about to score one for our side when she looked at me. What did you do? I winked when I should have tiddled. That's not all, Mel. I also played full back on the football team. I was a terrific plunger. That I can see, Hartley, you're built like one. That does it. You mortify me. In fact, I'm so mortified I could fly. However, I shall lose myself by pain. I'm the prettiest thing in my life. Someday I'm going to make myself my wife. Sounds like a Model T Ford calling to its mate. My one chance to marry Betty and now Mr. Colby turns me down because I'm an ignoramus. I wish I was dead. Hello, Mel. Hucka boo, hucka boo, boo, hucka. Greetings, great zebra. Mel, you look down at the model. Oh, I wish I was dead. I can't get married. I wish I was dead. I got married. The other day my wife and I had an argument and she said, John, you'll drive me to my grave. What'd you do? I had the car out of the garage in two minutes. My depotentate, if you feel that way about your wife, how come you ever got hitched? Mel, strangled is the word. I remember years ago when I first met my wife. She was such a gay young thing, such a saucy baggage. And now? Well, she's a baggy saucy. You know, Mel, how most girls' figures go in and out. Hers goes out and then just keeps going. Oh, come now, my depotentate. She doesn't look that bad. No? Mel, you've heard of a face that will stop a clock? Well, in our house we have a withered Benruss. In fact, yesterday she looked at it and Ben got up and left Russ. What a woman. Yesterday I had ten gallons of DDT. I was out spraying the garden when she came out and said, John, spray the bugs, kill the ants, poison the old gopher. Dad, what a temptation. You think you've got troubles. I was supposed to help out Mr. Colby by building up his educational background, but he thinks I'm such an ignoramus he won't trust me to do it. Oh, Mel, why do it as yourself? You're good at impersonations. If you pretend to be a foreign professor, you could really do a wonderful job for Mr. Colby. You've got brains. That's a great idea. And if it works out, I'm going to get married. Amazing how quickly a man can lose his brain. Well, so long, Mel. I've got to be going now. Oh, wait a minute. Where are you going, my depotentate? Well, Mel, I can do one or two things. I can go to the movies and see it happened on Fifth Avenue, or I can go home and look at what shouldn't happen to a dog. Oh, Mel, I don't want to move. I don't want to move. Well, have a nice time at the movies, my depotentate. No, no, no, no, Mel, positively not. I'm depending on Hartley Benson. But Mr. Colby, what if the editor of the supermarket journal catches Hartley in a lie? He might know about American colleges, but if I say I taught you in Europe, why, he'll never be able to check. Yes, it would be taking a chance, but, well, Mel, for once you've made an intelligent suggestion. I'll call Hartley and tell him not to come. Mel, you'd better not let me down. I'm putting all my eggs in your basket. Mr. Colby, all I can say is... What in the world was that? I just added an egg of my own. Oh, Mr. Weed, you don't know how honored I am to have you write an article about me in the supermarket journal. Oh, have another drink. Thank you. Don't mind if I do. Mr. Colby, you impressed me quite a bit. These sales figures especially are spectacular. Well, you see, Mr. Weed, it's not every supermarket owner that can boast of an education at Eaton and Oxford. I came here because I heard you were a self-made man, never been to college or even... What was that you just said? I just said that as a boy I wouldn't have eaten if I hadn't shined Oxford's... Oh, you were a boot black. Wonderful. Oh, yes, indeed. I have never been to school. I mean, I never went to school and I ain't sorry no how. Words which inspire me. So glad to meet a man who hasn't been pampered by foreign schools and private tutors. Oh, don't bother, Mr. Weed, I'll get it. Ah, good evening here. Who was that? Oh, well, it was some man from the German band downstairs. You know, Mr. Weed, I ain't never had... You've all, Mr. Colby, you thought I was somebody else, huh? No? You don't remember your old professor Otto von Schmorgensburg? Mr. Weed, I want you to say goodbye, I mean, hello to Professor von Schmorgensburg. That's a peculiar name. Schmorgensburg is a mixture of strange little things. You should see the rest of my family. Professor, don't you have any place to go? Always joking. Little Colby was such a bright pupil. I remember how everyone almost died laughing when he came to class in his short pants. What was so funny? He was wearing long underwear. But he was my favorite pupil. I remember when he went to the big city for his college examination. I wrote all the answers down on his cuffs. Did he pass the examination? No, but his laundry man got 100%. Colby went to colleges all over the world. Heidelberg in Germany, Edinburgh in Scotland, Columbia in China. Now, wait a minute, wait a minute. Columbia's not in the Far East? No. Haven't you ever heard of Eastern Columbia? Now, don't doubt my word, Mr. Weed. I am the greatest language professor in the world. Let me hear you speak French. French, okay. I say there, old boy, pip pip. That's English. What am I speaking now? That's English too. One of us is an imposter. I speak all languages. I speak great Turkish. Great Spanish. What's that? Great Danish. Just a second. There's something highly irregular about this. What? You happen to be speaking to a man what's an MA, an LLD, and a PhD. And you know what that makes me? What? You happen to be speaking to a man who's a doctor. You happen to be speaking to a man what's an MA, an LLD, and a PhD. And you know what that makes me? What? A man of the first. This is the most fraudulent thing I've ever heard. Mr. Colby, I was hoping to find a simple, honest, self-made man. But I see you're just a poser, a man who's ashamed of his background. Mr. Weed. And I'm going. Wait a minute. I mean, wait a minute, Mr. Weed. It was all my fault. I was trying to build Colby up. I didn't think the interview would look good in your magazine if it said that Mr. Colby only went to public union trade school. The damage is done, and I... Did you say public union trade school? Yeah. Why, that's my school. How come I didn't recognize you, Colby? Well, I always stood with my face toward the wall. Well, turn around. Mushmouth. Mushmouth Colby. What? There's only one man who ever called me that. Stinky, stinky Weed. Say, I went to public union, too. Well, I was going to go to public union, too. But I was going to go to public union, too. But I was going to go to public union, too. But I was going to go to public union, too. But I was going to go to public union, too. Well, let's sing the old school song. Yeah. Oh, public union, hail to thee. Our hearts belong to old UP. Oh, alma mater, fair and true. Till we die we'll be P.U. Well, Mr. Colby, remember our board meeting? It's the only one with a good reason to be here. Yes, Father, you said if Mel helped you... Yes, I remember Mel, my boy. And you did help me. It was rather roundabout, but it was help. And you don't object to me? Well, not too much. You'll let me in your family? That might be arranged. And I can marry Betty? Well, Mel, you'll have to propose first. Then I'll do it right now. Mr. Colby, will you be my father-in-law? Mel Blank will be back in just a minute. This is Mel Blank saying thanks for listening. Good night. And that's all, folks. And this is Victor Miller and his orchestra playing the Mixmaster song. And this is Bud Heaston, reminding you that Colgate Toothpowder for a breath that's sweet and teeth that sparkle brings you the Mel Blank show every Tuesday at this time. Be sure to join us again next Tuesday night for more fun with Mel and the people you meet in Mel Blank's Fix It Shop. Say hello to Halo Shampoo for naturally bright and beautiful hair. Remember even finest soaps and soap shampoos hide the natural lustre of your hair with dulling soap film. But Halo Shampoo contains no soap, therefore leaves no dulling soap film. Even in hardest water, Halo makes oceans of rich, fragrant lather, quickly banishes loose dandruff and dirt. Halo needs no lemon or vinegar rinse. Say hello to Halo and goodbye to dulling soap film. Get Halo Shampoo at any cosmetic counter. Remember, Mel Blank at the same time every Tuesday night. This is CBS, the Longyear Broadcasting System. Thank you.
