From Hollywood, Colgate Toothpater presents the Mel Blank Show, written by Mack Benoff with Mary Jane Croft, Joe Carpenter, Hans Conrad, Alan Reed, Earl Ross, the sportsman, Victor Miller and his orchestra, and starring the creator of The Voice of Bugs Bunny. What's up, Doc? Yes, Colgate Toothpater for a breath that's sweet and teeth that sparkle, brings you the Mel Blank Show with Mel playing his new character, Zooki. Hello. Hi. And starring himself in person, Mel Blank. Hi, folks. Ugga, ugga boo, ugga boo boo, ugga. A glocal plume shrouds the nation tonight as men with heavy hearts sit down to the task of making out their income tax. High and low, they search for possible deductions to lessen the burden of payment. In New York, Bill Lenahan, short story writer, says, Well, I've certainly used this typewriter a lot. I'll deduct for a new typewriter. And in Los Angeles, Tom Bassett, prominent butcher, says, Well, I've certainly used this scale a lot. I'll deduct for no scale. And in the little town where Mel Blank lives, Mel Blank, fix-it shop proprietor, says, Well, I've certainly used this chair a lot. I'll deduct for a new pair of pants. After a while, Mel's girlfriend, Betty Colby, came into the fix-it shop and after watching Mel work on his tax form a while, said, Mel, are you sure you know what you're doing? Of course Betty. You just follow the instructions. You get together everything you made the past year, all your salary. Well, then what? You put it in an envelope and send it to the government. That's all? That's the first quarter. You do that for three more quarters and then you wait. For what? For a letter saying you haven't sent enough. Gosh, how am I going to raise enough money to pay my income tax? Oh, just think Mel, if we were married how well off you'd be. You could claim me as a deduction. And if we had two or three children, you wouldn't have to pay anything at all. Betty, please. I've only got four days. There isn't time for that. Well, you've been working on your income tax for two days. Just how much do you owe the government? Seven dollars. Uh-oh, here comes Professor Pochnik, a piano teacher. Maybe I can borrow it from him. Hello, Betty. Hello, Mel. Hello, Professor. What's the matter, Professor? You sound angry. Oh, I just got through giving your neighbor, little Michael, his piano lesson. He is playing on a beautiful Steinway, but when he plays it, it sounds like a Frankenstein way. Do you get much money from your pupils, Professor? Money, who needs money? I give the grocer's little boy lessons, I take it out in groceries. I give the barber's little girl lessons, I take it out in haircuts. I give lessons to the undertaker's little boy. Yeah? Let him owe me the money. Besides, Mel, money isn't everything. The main thing in life is to have friends. Believe me, that's all that counts. Just have friends. Of course, if your friends have money, that's even better. And I suppose it's no use to ask you to loan me some money for my income tax. You could practice on me, but it's no use. Believe me, Mel, I would give you the shirt off my back, but I am so broke, I'm wearing my shorts. I am. Gosh, I've got to get that money some way. Hello, everybody. Hello, Mr. Colby. Well, Mel, what are you looking so unhappy about? Oh, I haven't got the money to pay my income tax, Mr. Colby. Oh, that's too bad. They may even send you to jail. Might even get ten years. Don't take it so hard, Mr. Colby. Oh, Father, there was a notice about delinquent tax returns. Oh, that's too bad. It came to you. What? What are we laughing about? If I don't pay this tax, I'm in serious trouble. Well, maybe I can help you, Mel. I brought these two modern paintings down to be cleaned. This one's called Man Leaving Hospital. Very valuable. This one here, Lady in the Balcony, is worthless. If you sell it, you can keep half the money. Sell it and I can keep half the money? Oh, take it, Mel. That's almost 50 percent. Okay, Mr. Colby. Then it's a deal. Remember, don't sell the valuable one. Well, come on, Betty. I need some help at the supermarket. So long, Mel. Bye, Betty. Thanks for your help, Mr. Colby. Bye. Gosh, Professor, Mr. Colby sure is nice letting me sell this painting. I don't know. Lady in the Balcony. Who's going to buy it? Dr. IQ? Well, I sure could use some money. Uh-oh, here comes Banker Grimes. See, let's try to sell it to him. Oh, hello, Banker Grimes. Hello, Mel. Banker Grimes, you know Professor Potschnick, don't you? How do you do, Professor? Mr. Grimes, you came just in time to see me buy this beautiful painting from Mel Blanc. Well, I'm quite an art connoisseur myself. Let me see it. What a bargain, an oil painting for 20 dollars. It's so dusty, it's hard to see it. Are you sure it's oil? Genuine, chemtome. Yeah, three coats. Well, I'll take it with me, Mel. Just a second, just a second. It looks pretty good to me. You don't mind, Mel, I'd like to make a bid on it. Twenty-five dollars. Sold. Thirty. Professor Potschnick. Leave it to me. I said thirty. Well, I'll say thirty-five. Forty. Forty-five. Fifty. Let him have it. Sold for forty-five. Take it, Banker Grimes. Well, is it all right with you, Professor Potschnick? Why, sure, Banker Grimes. For ten years I've been waiting to give it to you. Now you've got it. Here's the painting. Here's the money, Mel. Thank you. Ha-ha. Then good-bye. Oh, that's the first time anybody ever put something over a Banker Grimes. Well, I'll start to clean this painting. Gosh, you're dirty. Yee-poo. Professor. Huh? What was the name of the worthless painting we were supposed to sell? Lady in the Balcony. Why? I got news for us. The lady is still in the balcony. I guess she's seen the picture twice. You mean I gave him the valuable painting, Man Leaving for Hospital? Yes, Man Leaving the Hospital. And when Colby finds out, you know what'll happen to me? What? Man entering hospital. Use Colgate Toothpowder. Keep smiling just right. Use it each morning and use it each night. It cleans your teeth, makes breath so sweet. Use Colgate Toothpowder. Want teeth that sparkle and dazzle, a breath that's fresh and sweet? Then try Colgate Toothpowder. For the new all-purpose Colgate Toothpowder cleans your teeth and sweetens your breath. Yes, this new of all-purpose toothpowder produces an amazingly rich active foam that's marvelously effective. Every time you brush your teeth with this new all-purpose Colgate Toothpowder, your whole mouth feels clean, sweet, fresh. Your teeth regain their natural sparkle. It's been proved in seven cases out of ten that Colgate Toothpowder instantly stops unpleasing breath that originates in the mouth. And as for cleaning, you can depend on Colgate Toothpowder revealing the natural brilliance of your teeth. Yes, Colgate Toothpowder, the new all-purpose toothpowder, does everything you can expect or ask of a dentifrice. Try Colgate Toothpowder today for teeth that sparkle and a breath that's sweet. Use Colgate Toothpowder. Now the sportsman Victor Miller and the orchestra take us south of the border to Managua, Nicaragua. Babaloo, babaloo, at your grip take a trip down that South America way. Cause Managua, Nicaragua is a beautiful town. You buy a horsey and a four a few pesos down. You give it to the lady you were trying to win. But her papa doesn't let you come in. Managua, Nicaragua is a heavenly place. You ask a senorita for a deedle embrace. She answers you caramba, strumba, bombarito. In Managua, Nicaragua that's no. I have been to many tropic ports. I might include even Brooklyn. If you're ever feeling out of sorts, I'd like to recommend a look in Managua, Nicaragua. What a wonderful spot. There's coffee and bananas and the temperature hot. So take a trip and on a ship go sailing away across the Agua to Managua, Nicaragua. Oh it's really the top. You buy a big sombrero in the neighborhood shop. And then the girls will follow you like in a parade. That's because they want to walk in the shade. Managua, Nicaragua what a wonderful spot. There's coffee and bananas and the temperature hot. So take a trip and on a ship go flying away across the Agua to Nicaragua. Managua, Nicaragua. Olé! Now back to Mel Blank. Mr. Colby left two paintings at Mel's fix-it shop to be cleaned and told Mel he could make himself some money by selling the worthless one. However, by shrewd maneuvering, Mel managed to get the whole thing balled up and sold a valuable one to Banker Grimes. Now, while wondering how he's going to get it back, more trouble enters Mel's shop and the person of Hartley Benson, the town bo-brummel. Hello Hartley. What do you hear? The usual thing Mel, old boy. Hartley, you're wonderful. But Hartley, you're adorable. In fact, Mel, I'm so handsome I'm holding myself for ransom. Please Hartley, cut it out. I'm having so much trouble it's like a nightmare. Speaking of that, I had the most wonderful dream last night. I dreamt I was on a romantic tropical desert island. Palm trees swaying and soft moonlight breezes caressing the warm sand. Oh, what a dream. Yes, yes, go on. Who was with you? Just me. Could you ask for anything more? Gosh, Hartley, how can one man love himself so much? Frankly, Mel, the job is getting to be too big for me. So I'm putting on more women. You must think every woman is crazy about you. Well, form your own conclusion Mel, but last year 50,000 women sent away to McCall's for a life-size patron of men. Now listen here, Hartley. And furthermore, Mr. Colby told me to tell you that if you don't get his valuable painting back by tonight, he'll break every bone in your body. And that rearrangement will certainly be an issue. Oh, get out. So long, Mel. Nice seeing me. What a character. Train seal. Sounds like he can't get his motor started. There he goes. Probably got a date with a girl. Nah, he's going to have a better time going out with himself. If I don't get that painting back, why, he'll have even a better time than that. He'll be going to my funeral. Oh, it's my lodge president, Mr. Cushing. Hello, Mel. I'm Uggaboo Uggaboo Ugga. Greetings, mighty potent Tate. Uggaboo Uggaboo Ugga. Well, mighty potent Tate, how's every old thing? Mel, if you mean my wife, she's fine. She's got a new thing now. Goes to bed with a mud pack on her face. Tell you, Mel, it's like sleeping next to a swamp. All night long, I jump up yelling Chloe. But it's no use. Spike Jones has Chloe and I'm stuck with Schmoe. She looks funny, huh? The other night she poked up her nose through that mud. You know, I could have sworn it was a gopher. Then she leaned over and kissed me. You know something, Mel? What? I wish it were a gopher. Last night at 3 a.m., she woke me up and she said, I hear burglars downstairs do something. They may come up here and kidnap me. Gosh, what did you do? I never slept so well in all my life. As a matter of fact, I slept so late, my wife had to make her own breakfast. First time our milkman ever got a look at her. Really? Yeah. Now we have to buy our own cow. My mighty potentator, are you still doing the housework? Don't you have any help? Well, I'll tell you, Mel, my wife did hire a butler last week. All day long she kept shouting, John, do this, John, do that, John, do this. Tell you couldn't stand it. Why? I'm John. I don't know why I'm telling you all this. It's just that I've gotten so bored. You don't like your wife very much, do you, mighty potentator? Well, last night she forgot to put the telephone receiver back on the hook. So she said, oh John, will you hang me up? God, what a temptation. You think you've got troubles, mighty potentator? I've got to get back a valuable painting of Mr. Colby's that I sold to Banker Grimes by mistake. Well, why don't you and Mr. Colby go over to Banker Grimes' house. You pretend you're a Viennese art critic and tell them the painting's terrible. And that way get it back. See, that's a great idea. Well, good luck, Mel. I've got to be going now. Oh, where are you going, mighty potentator? Well, I can do one of two things. I can go to the movies and see the yearling or I can go home and see the moose I married. So long, Mel. I've got to go. Well, I had to listen to all his troubles, but at least he gave me a good idea. Now to get dressed up like an art critic. First, I'd better send Zucchi over to tell Mr. Colby about this. Hey, Zucchi, Zucchi! Well, Zucchi, it sounds like Mel had a very good idea. What do you think? Oh, I think it's a great, great, great, I think it's a great, it's a sensation, sensation. You can't meet me. What's he going to do? Oh, it's all right, Zucchi. I know. Oh, I'd better get down to Banker Grimes' house and meet Mel. So long, Zucchi. So long, Zucchi. I'm off to kill tonight. Well, it's certainly very nice of you, Mr. Colby, to have such a famous art critic go out of his way to come to my house. Oh, believe me, Banker Grimes, it cost me, I mean, it's nothing at all. I mean, that must be him now. Ah, good evening, Mr. Colby. Good evening. Oh, Mr. Grimes, I want you to meet Dr. Otto Van Otto. Otto Van Otto? That's a peculiar name. It's the same backwards and forwards. Yeah, my family comes from a long line of studebakers. How do you do, Banker Grimes? I am the greatest art critic in all Vienna. Ah, if you'll pardon me for blowing Otto's horn. Come right in, Dr. Otto. Oh, please, call me by my first name. Come right in, Otto. Thank you. How are things in Vienna? Oh, how I miss Vienna. The Eiffel Tower. The Eiffel Tower? The Eiffel Tower is in Paris. Hmm. The Kremlin. Kremlin's in Moscow. Hmm. Where is Eastern Columbia? Oh, how I miss Vienna. Dr. Otto, don't you think you should look at some of Banker Grimes' most valuable paintings? No, we've got plenty of time. Here's one of a 16th century knight lying on the battlefield with every bone broken in his body. Yeah, yeah, let's look at the paintings. Yeah, yeah, right now. You know, Banker Grimes, in Vienna, when I am judging a painting, if it's fair, I give it one brush stroke. If it's good, I give two. Better? Three strokes. Excellent? Four strokes. Well, here's a painting I bought today. What do you think of it? Twenty lashes. However, I happen to have a calendar and I need a picture for it, so I give you a dollar for it. What? I don't know. First, I'd like to get the opinion of another art critic. I've invited him over and he should be here any minute. Hmm. How I am missing Vienna again. I think I... Just a moment. That must be the critic now. Dr. Von Otto, I want you to meet the superintendent of the Centreville Art Museum. It is a great pleasure to meet with you. It is a great pleasure to meet with you, Herr Dr. Von Otto. It is? By the way, what is your name? Überhalter, ist das nicht ein Schnitzelbank? Ist das nicht ein Schnitzelbank? Ja, das ist ein Schnitzelbank. Schnitzelbank? Schnitzerbank. Schnitzelbank. Schnitzerbank. Schnitzelbank. Schnitzelbank. Schnitzelbank. Schnitzelbank. barbie. Ich will... I would like you to look at this painting that I bought today. Just a second. Why should he look at it? I want to compare his judgment with yours. After all, he is the superintendent of an art museum. I refuse to be compared with a janitor. A But something wrong here. Dr. von Otto, I studied at the Art Academy of Pilsenburg. Where was you studying? Maybe in NYU? NYU not? As a matter of fact, I studied in UCLA. Oh, that's an American college. The University of California in Los Angeles. No, no, it isn't. It's, uh, Unia Klickenlaken Aken... ...Wien. Unia Klickenlaken Aken... I'm sorry, that is no such place. I can't even pronounce it. Well, it's a cinch. All you gotta do is... I mean, oh, what you got to do? Help me! Well, so long as the Colby Fianna is calling. Oh, you make-a-boo. I'm going to break every Unia Blicken in your block and flock. Gosh, Betty, I sure made a mess of things today. Well, Mel, I'm sure Father will be able to talk Banker Grimes into returning the painting... ...but how are you going to pay your income tax? Well, I've got four days more to get my money... ...and if I don't, I'll just follow the instructions on this Treasury form. On the Treasury form? Yeah, look what it says. I'm going to pay my own income tax. Blank. This is Bud Houston, reminding you that Colgate Tooth Powder for a breath that's sweet... ...and teeth that sparkle brings you the Mel Blank Show every Tuesday at this time. Be sure to join us again next Tuesday night for more fun with Mel... ...and the people you'll meet in Mel Blank's Fix-It Shop. Say hello to Halo Shampoo for naturally bright and beautiful hair. Remember, even finer soaps and soap shampoos hide the natural lustre of your hair with Dulling Soap Film. But Halo Shampoo contains no soap, therefore leaves no Dulling Soap Film. Even in hardest water, Halo makes oceans of rich, fragrant lather... ...quickly banishes loose dandruff and dirt. Halo needs no lemon or vinegar rinse. Say hello to Halo and goodbye to Dulling Soap Film. Get Halo Shampoo at any cosmetic counter. Remember, Mel Blank at the same time every Tuesday. This is PBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.
