From Hollywood, Colgate Youth Starter presents the Mel Blanks show, written by Mac Benoff, with Mary Jane Croft, Joe Kearns, Hans Conrad, Elvia Allman, Earl Ross, the sportsman Victor Miller and his orchestra, and starring the creator of the voice of Bud Bunny. What's up, Jack? Yes, Colgate Youth Starter for a breath of sweet and peace that sparkle brings you to the Mel Blanks show, with Mel playing his new character, Zookie. Hello, everybody. Hello, everybody. Hi. And starring himself in person, Mel Blanks. Hi, folks. Ugga, ugga, boo, ugga, boo, boo, ugga. Well, spring has come to Mel Blanks' little town, as it usually does this time of year. The petunias that were planted in winter have come up, has radishes, and young couples are contemplating marriage. In Blum's candy shop, where they are wont to meet, we hear them talking, and Tommy Bassett says to Kay Gibb, Kay, we got enough money in the Peggy bank. Now he can get married. And Elroy Short says to Mary Davis, Mary, we got enough money in the Peggy bank. Now we can get married. And in Mel Blanks' fix-it shop, where Mel has been sitting with his girl, Betty Colby, Mel is saying, Betty, we've got enough money. Now we can buy a Peggy bank. Oh, Mel, who cares about money? I'll marry you anyway. I don't care if we have to use packing boxes for furniture and orange crates for a table. Oh, Betty, all that will come later. You'll have to live cheaply at first. Gosh, I wish I had money, Betty, so we could get married in style. Well, why don't you try to do something to improve business? Oh, Betty, I did. I had a sign painter make me a sign reading, complying with President Truman's request. I am reducing prices 10%. Well, where's the sign? Well, I haven't got it. The sign painter raised his prices, and I couldn't afford to pay for it. The trouble with you, Mel, is you're too conservative. You've got to take chances to get ahead. If you gamble, you'd win. Betty, that's one thing I never do. Gamble? No, win. Well, now you can't get anywhere in business unless you take a chance. Look at Robert Fulton. He gambled on the steamboat. You mean they had gambling ships even then? Well, Betty, I thought I'd surprise you, but you might as well know I am taking a chance, but this one I'm sure of. I can't fail. Oh, what did you do? I bought oil stock. I invested my life savings, $30. Mel, how did you ever save $30? Well, I went without cigarettes, no movies, saved car fare by walking to the fix-it shop, went without lunches for a whole month, and of course the bank loaned me $29. Betty, as soon as that oil starts gushing in... Oh, hello, Betty. Hello, Father. Hello, Mr. Colby. Mel Blank, you confounded it. I asked you to fix my electric blanket. What did you do to it? Well, I fixed it, Mr. Colby, but I was fixing an electric toaster at the same time, and I may have gotten the parts mixed up. A toaster? Huh, that explains it. Every time I begin to get warm under the blanket, it pops me out of bed. Gosh, Mr. Colby, no wonder you look scraped on one side this morning. No, you look... And you want to marry Betty. How can an idiot possibly support my daughter? Don't worry, Mr. Colby, you've been doing very well. What? You, you, you had to support her someday. After all, I'm not going to live forever. Have you ever thought about that? Very often. Mel, you're too lazy to work for your money, but not me. Why, when I was a young man, I kept my nose to the grindstone for 15 years. You know what they call me today? Yeah, needle nose. Oh, Daddy, don't worry about Mel. He's going to be rich very soon. That's right, Betty. When that gusher comes in, I'll be a millionaire, and I'll buy you everything you could possibly want. I'll buy you a Cadillac, diamonds by Tiffany, furs by I.J. Mink. That's I.J. Fox. Betty, we can afford Mink. Mr. Second Bank, where do you intend to get all this money? Well, I bought some oil stock from Mrs. Grimes' brother. Mrs. Grimes? Well, she's the richest woman in town. If her brother sold it to you, that stock must be good. Where can I get hold of a brother? I don't know, Mr. Colby, he's pretty ticklish. Well, I'll never mind, I'll find him myself. Well, Mel, my future son-in-law, I always said you'd go places. Yeah, and I remember the places you said I could go. Hey, welcome, Betty. Goodbye, Mel. We'll see you at the horse show. Yeah, at the horse show. Makes a little money, already it's gone to his head. Well, it's not going to happen to me. When I get rich, people will still be able to say, there goes Mel blank. I knew him when he was just a poor, stupid jerk, but now he's got a million dollars and it hasn't changed him a bit. Why, I'll be so rich. And you are, Melvin. Oh, hello. I was just passing by on my way to Professor Patschick for my singing lesson, and I thought I'd drop in. Well, I'm glad you did, Mrs. Grimes, because I was just going to ask you a... Oh, Melvin, let's not discuss those eight things. Oh, just listen to my singing lesson for the day. All the way to Mandalay. Somebody oughta tell her to hit the road. We're flying, she says, and the dawn comes up like thunder. The worst weather report I ever heard. Out of China, cross the bay! Melvin, that's a road to Bandolier! How did you like it? Sounds like you took all the detours. Hey Mrs. Grimes, where can I get a hold of your brother? I want to see him about some Sunnyville oil stock. My brother's oil stock? Why, Melvin, it's worthless! And so is my brother. What? Worthless? Not worth a penny. Well, goodbye Melvin. Oh, no! I better stop Mr. Colby before he buys that oil stock. If he gets stuck with all that oil, he'll boil me in it. Huh, my mother didn't raise me to be a potato chip. Music The teeth that sparkle and dazzle, a breath that's fresh and sweet, then try Colgate Tooth Powder. For the new all-purpose Colgate Tooth Powder cleans your teeth and sweetens your breath. Yes, this new all-purpose tooth powder produces an amazingly rich active foam that's marvelously effective. Every time you brush your teeth with this new all-purpose Colgate Tooth Powder, your whole mouth feels clean, sweet, fresh. Your teeth regain their natural sparkle. It's been proved in seven cases out of ten that Colgate Tooth Powder instantly stops unpleasing breath that originates in the mouth. And as for cleaning, you can depend on Colgate Tooth Powder revealing the natural brilliance of your teeth. Yes, Colgate Tooth Powder, the new all-purpose tooth powder, does everything you can expect or ask of a dentifrice. Try Colgate Tooth Powder today for teeth that sparkle and a breath that's sweet. Use Colgate Tooth Powder. Now, Victor Miller and the sportsman join to serenade that popular young lady, Linda. Music When I go to sleep, I never count sheet. I count all the charms about Linda. And lately it seems in all of my dreams I walk with my arms about Linda. But what good does it do me? Well, Linda doesn't know I exist. And I can't help feeling gloomy when I think of all the love that I've missed. When we pass on the street, my heart gives a beat. I say to myself, hello Linda. If only she'd smile, I'd stop for a while. And then I get to know Linda. But miracles do happen. And when my lucky star begins to shine, with one lucky break I'll make Linda mine. Music I say to myself, hello Linda. And then I would get to know Linda. But miracles do happen. And when my lucky star begins to shine, someday I'll really say, hello Linda. And she will turn and say, oh, hello. And then just one lucky break, someday we'll really make Linda mine. We're ready Linda mine. Applause Well, back to Mel Blank. And this time it's really trouble for not only has Mel invested his own money in phony oil stocks, but on his advice, Mr. Colby is going to invest too. Mel is just about to leave his fix-it shop to try to stop Mr. Colby when in comes no help at all in the person of the town, Bo Brummel, Hartley Benson. Oh, it's you, Hartley. Sorry, I can't talk now. I know just how you feel, Mel. Everyone is struck speechless by the beauty of great big adorable me. In fact, Mel, oh boy, I'm so full of charms, I love to hold myself in my arms. Ah, ah, ah, ah. Hartley, you must think you're the most beautiful person in the world. Mel, that is not only my opinion. Have you seen the new petty girl calendar? No, why? I am the month of May. You should see me. March wore a small archery costume, April wore a one-piece bathing suit, but I'm the most outstanding one of all. What are you wearing? A midriff sweatshirt. Though you see, Mel, my picture hangs in every woman's kitchen. So does fly paper. Listen, Hartley, you're not such a man of distinction with a woman. Oh, no? Well, form your own conclusion, Mel, but surveys show that among the women of America, I cause more heartburn than French-fried onions. Hartley, instead of running around so much, why don't you get married? I can break up a beautiful friendship with myself. The women are content with just a little souvenir from me. Yesterday, I gave locks of my hair to all the girls in town. Well, that's nothing unusual. At this time of year, all dogs are shedding. Oh, that does it! You've humiliated me. In fact, I'm so humiliated, I could eat it. So I will just deliver this message and go. Mr. Cole will be bought $100 worth of stock, and Mrs. Graham's brother is coming to his house tonight, and he is buying more stock. So goodbye, you buffoons. I'll never know what bliss is until I make myself Mr. and Mrs. So long, Mel. Nice seeing me. What a character! What a character! What a character! I'm going to go over a bump and drop his muffler. Oh, but when Mr. Cole finds out the stock is phony, he'll drop me on my muffler. I've got to stop him from buying more. Oh, Mel! Greetings, great and mighty zebra. How's your little cucumber? Mel, if you mean my wife, it's picklepuss. Yesterday we were driving downtown and she said, John, if you drive over 25 miles an hour, I'll die. Well, what happened? I got a ticket for speeding. Mighty potentate, if you feel that way about your wife, why did you ever get spliced? Mel, drawn and quartered is the word. I was young and it was love. I worshiped the ground she had her money invested in. Say, what did she look like? Mel, have you ever heard the saying, a rag, a bone and a hank of hair? Yeah. Stick a set of false teeth into it and that's her. You know, Mel, if she dies, I get all the money, but the doctor says she'll be here for quite a while, so I'm trying to figure out one thing. What's that? How can I go now and come back when she's gone? I can't get a penny out of it now. Why not? Doesn't she know she can't take it with her? Mel, she has to. It's the only way she can get in. Well, other woman, yesterday we were in a shooting gallery and as I picked up the gun, she stuck her face in front of me and said, John, shoot the clay pipe. Shoot the bullseye. Shoot the old duck. Dad, what a temptation. Listen to my troubles, mighty potentate. On my recommendation, Mr. Colby bought some phony oil stock from Mrs. Grimes' brother and he's going to buy even more tonight and I don't know how to stop him. Oh, he tried to sell me some too. Mel, I got an idea. Swindle a swindler. Pretend that oil was really discovered on that land and I'll bet that Mrs. Grimes' brother will buy it back. Say, that's a great idea. Well, so long, Mel. I've got to be going now. Where are you going? Well, Mel, I can do one of two things. I can go to the movies and see the Red House or I can go home and look at the quants at Hard Eye Marry. Oh, Mel, I love a bull. I love a bull. I love a bull. What an idea. Pretend that oil was really discovered. Oh, but Mrs. Grimes' brother will recognize me. I know what I'll do. I'll impersonate a southern colonel who owns the land. Now to send Zuckey over to Colby's to tell him my plan. Oh, Zuckey, Zuckey. Zuckey, you mean Mrs. Grimes' brother is a swindler and my stock is worthless? Yeah, but don't worry, Mr. Colby. Mel will get your money back. You take care of everything. You won't lose a penny. If I was you, I'd blow my brains out. Well, southern colonel or not, you tell Mel if he doesn't get Mrs. Grimes' brother to buy back my stock, I'll blow his brains out. Well, Mr. Ross, I don't have too much money to invest. Mr. Colby, only because you happen to be a dear, dear friend of my sister, Mrs. Grimes, do I allow you to buy more shares of this remarkable Sunnyville oil stock at rock bottom inflated prices. Now, just sign this blank check. Sign a blank check? But I don't know for how much it's made out. Mr. Colby, I trust you. Come on now. Just a minute, just a minute, please. I'm expecting a friend to call. This must be him now. Oh, good evening, sir. Hello, Mr. Colby, you all. You remember me, Colonel Ulysses S. Lee. Colonel, meet Mr. Ross. Ulysses S. Lee. That's a funny name. Half southern, half northern. That's right. The stock was shot down over the Mason Dixon line. Oh, but I'm from the south, the deep south. In fact, so deep, where I come from, we call Senator Claghorn a Don Yankee. Sit down, Colonel Lee. I'd like to offer you a drink, but I don't have any mint julep. Oh, that's all right. Just give me some bourbon and swamp water. Oh, Mr. Colby, I came to give you a tip on some oil stock. Got it straight from the horse's mouth. Really? What's the tip? Whee! Just a second, just a second. Seems to me that I've seen you before. Are you really from the south? Man, don't question me. I come from the deep south. The other day I cut myself and bled southern comfort. Mr. Colby, oil was discovered on my property and that makes Sunnyville oil stock worth a fortune. You should see that oil gushing. Is it refined? Refined? Why, that oil is so refined when it gushes past you it says, excuse me all. Just a second. I happen to know Sunnyville land is owned by a farmer and it isn't even in the south. Do you know this farmer? No, not personally. Well, in that case I've got to be going. I think I'll go bowling. Wait a minute. We'll go to the bowling alley with you. What alley? I told you I'm from the deep south. When I bowl, I bowl weevils. Might have to kill your chest. Now to get back to the oil stock, Mr. Colby. Just a second. I hope this oil stock is good. Good? Why, I change it every thousand miles. No, I'll get that. Well, who's this? It's me, Mr. Colby Mel. Oh, howdy, bub. Say, think the rain will hurt the roof of a barb? I take it, my good man, that you're a farmer. Yep, you took it right. Got all dressed up for the visit to the city. All dressed up? Look at your shoes. You only got one shoe lace. Well, it was either that or not wear a tie. Besides, I don't worry much about dressing. Spend all my time with the cows. Oh, but I've been having trouble with my cows lately. Milked one yesterday and got three quarts of milk. Milked her today and only got a half pint. What's the matter? Don't know. Guess I'm losing my grip. Yeah, yes I am. One cow especially. One cow especially has given me lots of trouble. My two-gallon-er got the hiccups. Couldn't stop hiccupping. Was it a bad day? Well, for the last two weeks she's been churning her own butter. She's been churning her own butter. Yeah, I got a lot of hens too. I got one hen that lays 45 eggs a day. She's a Rhode Island purple. No, no, no. You mean a Rhode Island red. When she lays 45 eggs, she's purple, bub. You grow vegetables on your farm too? Yep, I grow carrots. But I don't care much for them. They say carrots improve eyesight, but I don't believe it. Why not? The other day I held a bunch of carrots over my eyes and I couldn't see a darn thing. Yeah, but I'm almost forgetting what I came here to tell you. Oil was discovered on my land in Sunnyvale. Oil? In Sunnyvale? Yep, so much oil that instead of milk the cows had oil in their crank cases. Oh, that's a good one. Mr. Coney, you're an astute businessman who realizes the value of a dollar. I have a proposition to make to you. I'd like to buy back that stock I sold you this afternoon. I'll double your money. I'll give you $200 for the hundred you gave me. It's a deal. All right, here's the money. I'll take the stock. Good day, gentlemen. It's been nice meeting you. Goodbye, Mr. Ross. We sure outwitted him. Mel, for once in your life you did something right. $100 profit. Yeah, but what about me, Mr. Colby? You didn't sell my stock. Oh, Mel, I'm so sorry. I forgot all about you. Father, I think you were very unfair to Mel in not selling his stock. Betty, I've been waiting a long time to get even with that moron. Well, I think I'll turn on the radio and get some music. And for the last news item this evening, in a little town called Sunnyville, a farmer struck oil, millions of barrels. And for you lucky people who hold Sunnyville oil stock, ah, there's good news tonight. Oh, Father, did you hear that? Did I? Don't tell Mel. I'm going to rush right down to his fix-it shop and buy that stock back from him, even if it costs me the $100 I made. Goodbye, Betty. All right, Mel, you can come out from behind the radio now. Did I sound convincing? Well, Daddy's on his way to the fix-it shop to buy your stock. Great, I'll beat him down there and have it all ready for him. Oh, Mel, you're so clever. Ah, there's good news tonight. Ha ha ha! Mel Blank will be back in just a minute. Use Colgate Tooth Powder, keep smiling just bright. Use it each morning and use it each night. It cleans your teeth, makes breath so sweet. Use Colgate Tooth Powder. Dazzling teeth, a sweet breath, a beauty duet that comes from Colgate Tooth Powder, the all-purpose tooth powder. Its pleasant-tasting foam bubbles through your mouth. When you rinse it out, your whole mouth feels excitingly clean and fresh, your breath sweet and wholesome. In seven cases out of ten, it's been proved that Colgate Tooth Powder instantly stops unpleasing breath that originates in the mouth. And Colgate Tooth Powder really does a job of brightening your teeth. Yes, Colgate Tooth Powder reveals the natural brilliance, the true beauty of your teeth. So for teeth that sparkle and a breath that's sweet, try Colgate Tooth Powder, the all-purpose tooth powder. Use Colgate Tooth Powder. This is Mel Blank saying thanks for listening. Good night and that's all folks. This is Bud Easton reminding you that Colgate Tooth Powder for a breath that's sweet and teeth that sparkle brings you the Mel Blank show every Tuesday at this time. Be sure to join us again next Tuesday night for more fun with Mel and the people you'll meet in Mel Blank's fix-it shop. Get Halo Shampoo at any cosmetic counter. Ladies and gentlemen, here is a message from your government. There is a grave crisis in our whole educational system today. Schools are understaffed, teachers are quitting because of poor pay and more attractive opportunities in other fields. The chief victims of these deplorable conditions are our children and our nation. So we'd like to urge all parents, all citizens to work with local groups toward better conditions for teachers, better education for our children. Remember Mel Blank at the same time every Tuesday night. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.
