M&J Audio Theater presents Chet Chetters Tales from the Morgue. Well, come in my friend. Walk this way, won't you? I have something to show you. Oh, let me introduce myself. I am Chet Chetter, the Morgue Attendant. Oh, it's quite a beehive of activity around here today. You see, we're upgrading our embalming room. We must keep up with the technology here in the Morgue, you know. This is called the Smooth Mover. It provides a friction-free surface to transport a cadaver from one area to another. Oh, silly me, you wanted to hear a story, didn't you? Well, I have a humdinger for you today. It begins at midnight in the peaceful village of Biloxi. Everyone is fast asleep. No one sees the small rectangular object that streaks through the night sky and lands near the bank of Miller's pond. At last, our journey is complete. The surface of this planet appears identical to our own, yet it is over a hundred times the size of the crowded planet of Borna. Yes, the atmospheric analysis has proven what we have long expected, Wise One. The creatures of this blue planet breathe oxygen, as we do. Excellent. Rejoice, my brothers. We have found a new home. Send a probe to Borna at Cork. Inform the others of the inhabibility of this blue planet. They should begin arriving at once. Yes, Wise One. I detect no humans in this area, Master. Shall we exit this vessel? Yes, let us do so, my brothers, but be attentive. Apparently, we have arrived near a water reservoir of some sort. It is remarkable how similar- Wise One, look! It is one of our own kind. It is a Ponachian. Impossible, Cork. The others will not arrive until the sun sets twice. Yet, yet it does appear to be a Ponachian. It possesses the same features that we do. The fur covering its body, the flat tail, the sharp teeth. It is eating the outer surface of that tree. The tree is about to fall. This is most peculiar. Attention, Ponachian. When did you arrive? Identify yourself. Wise One, I have identified the creature with the analyzer. It is not Ponachian. It originates from this planet. It is known by the name of Beaver. Beaver? It cannot speak. It has a very low intelligence. This cannot be more perfect. The Beavers look exactly as we do. We will act as the Beavers act. Note, the creature has constructed a crude dwelling composed of tree limbs. We will do the same and conceal our vessel. We must not speak aloud in the presence of humans, my brothers. They will dismiss us as mere Beaver creatures. When the others arrive, we will then begin the invasion. Yes! Yes! Yes! Damn, blame Beaver. I'm telling you, Rex, if I never set eyes on another one of them tree-chewing, flea-bitten Beaver critters, it will be right nigh too soon. Well, there's the dam right there. Here, hand me the dynamite. Here you go, here you go, Rex. You see, I got me a trench dug from this here pond to my land so I could irrigate my crops. And every bold-legged year, it's the same thing. Them knock-knee buck-toothed barmen's dam off the damn blame stream and cut off my water supply. I understand, Ernie. Now hand me that screwdriver there so I can connect these wires to the plunger. See, Rex, I hate them plum-despised them flat-tailed river-weasels. I could just spit tax. I'm sorry to wake you up out of bed at midnight and all, but, well, I knowed you had them explosives you saved back from the war, and the Biloxi police wouldn't do nothing about it. They're too busy picking their noses and spinning their pivot teeth. Yeah. And also, I hear when you want something blowed up, you call Rex Roady. Pyro-Technics Rex they used to call me back in the war. Yeah, you don't say. All right. Got everything hooked up here. I'm about ready to... Blow them up. That's a time, Rex. Blow them craters back to creation. I don't see any beavers around right now, but it's a good time to get the dam. Here we go. Whoa! Blow them sticks sky-high, Rex. That's a time. Look at that. Look. Huh? It's a metal object of some sort. What the heck's that? Yeah, looks about 10 feet diameter. It was underneath that dam. Yeah, it's a big metal box crate-looking thing. Hey, Rex, why don't I go down and get my winch and pull that bugger out of the pond? We can take her down to the bugger boy scrap yard and they're liable to get it 25 or 30 bucks for that thing. Oh, don't be such a backwoods hick, Ernie. We got a trouble sheriff about this right now. A sheriff? Oh, then blame it. All right, all right, Rex. But if the Gazette writes a story about it, remember, we get full credit. Hmm. The humans have departed. What damage has our vessel sustained, Glorp, from the explosion? Only exterior structural damage, wise one. It can be easily repaired. But we have been discovered. I think that we should confront the humans now. Ridiculous. We would be outnumbered. We must wait for the others to arrive. No, no, Glorp is correct. They have discovered our vessel. They will return. We must seek out the leader of this village and inform him of our invasion. Prepare your weapons for lethal attack, my brothers. We will enter the village now. Good morning, Deputy Rowan. What are you spraying on your petunias? Oh, howdy, Miss Maddox. This here stuff is called Pest Away. Supposed to keep the aminals out of my flower bed. It smells good to humans, but once a critter steps up to it, it stinks to high heaven. What brings you out this way? Well, I made a batch of molasses cookies for the church social, and I have some left over. I thought you and the sheriff might know what to do with them. Molasses cookies? Golly bum, yes. Yes, ma'am, bless your heart. Yeah, we'll find a good place to put them. In her guts. So, how's your bursitis acting up, Miss Maddox? Well, it's pretty painful, actually. I got it in my right arm, and it just hurts like a dickens all night long, and I stay up. I'm telling you, I stay up until almost four o'clock. Well, the tall human has a weapon at his side. This is a symbol of authority. The metal object attached to his clothing reads, Deputy. Analyze this word, Quark. Deputy is an assistant to a higher authority, Wise One. The sheriff. Prepare your weapon, Quark. You will approach the Deputy. Command him to take us to the sheriff. By your command, Wise One. Deputy, Deputy, look right behind you. Edgum, a beaver. Which one of them critters do an appearance differ from Miller's Pawn? I tell you one thing, I sure don't want something like that around my pecan trees. I'll give him a dose of this here pestlewood. Take that, you mage, you varmint. That got him going. He's scampering right on. I could have sworn there was a pipe pistol in that beaver's hand. Well, Miss Maddox, I sure thank you for these molasses cookies, but I gotta go. The sheriff sure gets mad at me if I'm late for work. Well, have a good day at work now, son. Master, master, the human attacked me with a foul-smelling fluid. Silence, Quark. What is that large object the human is getting into? It is a transportation device, master. It is called an automobile. Automobile? I suddenly have an idea. Breaker nine, this is Deputy Roland calling, Sheriff McRoy. There's no need to break that bloodhound, sheriff. I'm on my way. Well, you're already thirty seconds late, Roland. Suppose somebody held up a liquor store while you were gone, and you got the only bad-blamed squad calling. What? Now, that seems unlikely, sheriff, since this is a dry county and all. Well, guess what? Miss Maddox made us up a whole big batch of molasses cookies, and boy did they go down good. I saved you back a couple, though. Well, now, I guess I'll... Huh? What's that in my rear-view mirror? I can't believe it. In my back seat, them are... talk them are beavers. Continue on your present course, human, or I will melt your brain with a proton laser beam. Roy Beatty Grayson, talking beavers? No, we are a highly advanced race of superior beings that merely resemble beavers. So, Roland, do we send off you to something else? Inform your leader, the sheriff, that nothing is amiss. Then you will take us to him. Yes, sir, yes, sir. You know, you just keep a light finger on that there, Ray Gunn. Um, everything is hunky-dory, sheriff. I'll be back at the station in two minutes. I was just choking on a cookie crumb. I'll be coming with some company, too. Me and Rick seen it with their own eyes, sheriff. Some sort of rectangular metal, what's it, just sitting just as pretty as you please underneath that beaver dam? I'm surprised that dynamite didn't blow it up. Uh-huh. Okay, boys, well, quick as Roland gets here, we'll ride down there to Miller's Pond and check it out, all right? But I wish you'd... I'm here, sheriff. Roland? I'm sorry I'm late. Roland, what you got your hands up in the air for? Well... Are you at'll? No, sir, I... You know better than bring those mangy river rats in here. You had better keep a civil tongue, sheriff. We are normally a peaceful race, but do not provoke me. Listen to that. Now, Roland ain't got no time for pranks. Now, sheriff, how in the world could I fake a talking beaver? We are not beavers. I am the wise one at the planet Bornec. We have come many light years to seek a planetary system similar to our own. Now we have found it. You see, our planet is quite small by comparison. We've reproduced quickly and lived thousands of years. Overpopulation has forced us to find a new home. And you picked Biloxi? Yes. Soon the remaining Bornecians will arrive in this village. You must then surrender your homes to us. It will be necessary for you to find new living quarters elsewhere. I've just heard plum enough. Ain't no space beaver gonna tell me to run out of Biloxi. I am afraid you have no choice, human. Resistance will be met with deadly force if necessary. Bad blamin', I'm gonna put to stop to this, sheriff. Wise one. The deputy is taking out his weapon. Foolish human, now you will die. No, no, don't shoot it, Roland. Bad blamin'. Now you will see the power of the Bornecians. There you go. Whoa. That kinda tickles. What? That tickles, sheriff. This is impossible. It feels kinda tingly all over it. Kinda feels good. This is impossible, I do not understand. The beam did not harm the human. It must be the human's genetic structure, wise one. The beam is not powerful enough to penetrate. Well now, that's just a crying shame, ain't it, boys? Why don't you give me those pop pistols and step into this cage here? Bad gum, are we gonna incarcerate these beavers, sheriff? Well now they tried to kill an officer of the law, didn't they, deputy? These boys can consider themselves under arrest, pending further investigation. You fools, you do not know what you are doing. The others will arrive soon, and then you will sorely regret what you are doing. I don't talk to beavers. All right, Ernie, get your wench and go down there and pull that metal object out of Miller's pond. Okay. I bound you, that's their spaceship, and it's confiscated. All right, sheriff, I'll be glad to. I don't want to get out from under the stench of these ugly critters anyhow. Um, let's see now. I believe I'll have me a bowl of chili, Mr. Beaufort, and a glass of buttermilk. You better bring the buttermilk out first, because I need to coat my stomach. I got this irritable bowel, you know. Well, all right, Mr. Conroy, I'll be right out with it. Howdy there, Sheriff McRoy. Howdy, Mr. Beaufort. Just a seltzer water for me. I got a sour stomach today. Well, I'm sure you hear that. Well, Sheriff McRoy, howdy-doo. I didn't see you standing there. Howdy, Conroy. Well, now, I sure feel a might safer having you close by, yeah. Uh-huh. I believe I'd fall into a dead feint if one of them killer beavers was to waltz in here, yeah. Sheriff, did you have to choke hold them to get them into that cell? All right, Conroy. Don't believe everything you read in the Gazette. They ain't beavers. They're from another planet. Of course, I don't expect some sponge-headed grease monkey like you to understand it. So why don't you not rile me before I throw you in there with them? All righty-goody. One milky and one seltzer. Here you are, gentlemen. Thank you, Mr. Beaufort. Sheriff! Sheriff! Rex. What's the matter, Rex? They gotta talk to you. Okay. It's an invasion. Huh? It's a full-scale invasion. Easy there, Rex. Easy down now. Tell me what's going on. I was flying over my property in my crock-dusting plane. Uh-huh. When I saw them. What? Spaceships. Hundreds of them. Lord. It's like the one me and Ernie found. Oh, Lord. They're coming down from the sky. Oh, the... That head alien said more was coming. Can you say hundreds? Oh, no, no. I was wrong. I was wrong. No, it was thousands. Look! Look outside! Out of the window! Look! They're coming! Okay. All right, everyone. Calm down now. Calm down. Okay. I got this all under control. What's going on, Mr. Beaufort? Make sure everyone stays here, okay? Okay, Mr. Sheriff. You locked the place up. Okay. Rex, come with me. We're going to the station. Everybody, don't panic. Please don't panic. They're coming in, everybody. They're coming in now. The ship is getting all... What... What in tarnation is all that racket going on outside? Who's out there? I'll clear your sinuses with a 12-gauge, you trifle with Ernie Potldinger. Allow us in, transhuman. Your home belongs to us now. Look my eyes out. It's them bug-eyed space beavers. Spaceships out there. Fur as the eye can see. You ought to be bored for the simple as you think. I'm just going to tuck my tail and run sissy-footed out of my own house. I see you out there, you pigeon-toed space weasels. I'm going to blast you back to mortage. And I plan to make one of you pay for this window I had to break, too. Take back your rug-covered vermin. Can't blame it, I'm out of shells. Curse homers, hardware for running out of 12-gauge shells. What are they doing out there? They're chewing down one of my kumquat trees. Going to use it for a battering ram to knock down my door. Good Lord. Get away from here, you bow-legged alien rats. Oh Lord, I've got to call the sheriff. That's a good thing, I wrote down the number on the phone. Hello? Hello sheriff? They're here. Space aliens, they're here. They're coming to break down my door with my own kumquat tree. Good Lord. This home belongs to us in the name of Bornak. Hello Ernie, Ernie, you still there? Man, where did that come from? Sheriff, Sheriff, them people are trying to chew through the door. I told you last year we should have got us a metal door, but no. Oh yeah, well hindsight's 20-20 Roland. Now calm down, now get resourceful boy. Take them shelves down over there and get a hammer and some nails from the storage room and start boarding up that door, PDQ. Yes sir, yes sir sheriff. I just thought I'd panic for a few seconds. Why prolong the inevitable sheriff? Eventually you will have to submit to defeat. Leave this village while you still have a chance. Shut up you galaxy-hopping woodchuck. This here ray gun you turned on Roland may not do no harm to humans, but I bet you'd roast your flea-bitten hide. The energy cells on those weapons will run down soon human. And what will you do then? Will you kill us all with your conventional weapons? We outnumber you three to one. Dead flea-men, I hate a smart alecky beaver. I could use some ideas on how to handle this Rex. Yeah, well you heard what that critter said. There's more beavers than there are bullets. Yeah, I'd call for outside help, but heck who would believe me. Besides I'd be plumb embarrassed to admit a bunch of mangy things like that are running us out of blood. And they chew through all the tires in the cars. They're clever rascals all right. Hey, hey Roland look out. What's get through that window there? What Daniel? It is time for you to relocate you man. It's time for you to retreat you ugly beast. I had a can of this pest away stuff in my desk drawer sheriff. I'm going to spray him with that. What are you? Distinction is overwhelming. Hey, hey it worked it drove him out. What the heck is that Roland? It's called pest away sheriff. It's a smell that drives animals out of their minds. Pest away? Let me see that can Roland. Pest away. Let's see on the back. It is dangerous to inhale this product to achieve a hallucinogenic effect. In case of accidental overdose call 1-800- Roland I could kiss you. We ain't dead yet fellas. What do you have got in mind sheriff? Well you got a crop dusting plane ain't you Rex? Imagine your plane loaded up with this pest away stuff. You could fly over Biloxi and cover the town with the junk. And that would repel the critters back into space most likely. Well that's what I'm banking on Rex. Here you go here's this can of pest away. You might need it. I want you to run as fast as your dogs will carry you. Up to your house. Roland take the boards off the door. Okay. I'm going to call this place and order up a tanker truck full of this pest away stuff. Then I'll meet you at the Biloxi airstrip. We'll fill up your plane. We're going to stink these beavers out of town boys. Yeehaw sheriff. Here I go. Somebody help me. I'm covered in beavers they're all over my body. They're chewing my ears. They're biting me. Help. Submit to defeat mortal. Submit to defeat. The plan is working perfectly. We are driving the humans away. We must now free the wise one from imprisonment. We need the wise one's leadership. Look dwarf I'm in the sky. It's a flying machine. A flying machine? A human is flying the machine. What is the meaning of this? This is Rex Rorty the sheriff of McElroy. I'm flying over the town right now and I don't like what I see. Those alien beavers are terrorizing the citizens. I'm going to dump this pest away stuff right now. The flying machine is going to fly over our heads. The flying machine has released a fluid of some kind. We are drenched in the fluid. The smell, the foul odor of the fluid. It is hard for me to breathe. We must retreat to our vessels my brothers. Humans are far too hostile. We must flee from this planet at once. We have found sheriff. The M.I.A. is a turning tail. They are taking off in their spy ships. Yee-haw. Release us from this cage sheriff. We will leave your cursed planet anything to escape this powerful stench. Well some of that pest away stuff did kind of waft in here. It is kind of stout. Alright little buddies I'm going to let you go. But first let this be a lesson to you. Don't take what ain't yours. As far as your planet being crowded why don't you try sleeping six to a bed like I used to do when I was a kid. I had six brothers and seven sisters. Silence mortal. It annoys me and the smell, the foul smell quickly my brothers. To the vessel we must leave that horrible smell. By your command wise one. Well look at them go. Well we took care of another problem sheriff. Yeah. I tell you something sheriff I'm kind of light headed. Yeah, yeah me too Roland. It's that pest away stuff. Rex must have dumped a couple hundred gallons of it. And you know what it said on that can it can kind of cause a hallucinogenic effect. If you start seeing pink monkeys and stuff flying around. Don't worry I'm seeing them too. Yeah. We need some fresh air. Well there ain't no fresh air around here. We'll have to go into the next county. I tell you something sheriff. I could eat a whole box of donuts. Well I kind of got the much as myself Roland. We'll stop over at the donut shop on our way to the next town. Okay. Sure is a weird world ain't it Roland. Boy you said a mouth full of more there sheriff. A mouth full of more. Boy my legs feel like noodles. Well we've reached the end of another story haven't we. Yes. A little footnote to our tale for today. The smell of pest away eventually drifted away from Biloxi. And when indeed these citizens found that they had gained over a hundred pounds each. Well an attack of the munchies will do that. Deliver it for Chet Chet. Oh a delivery. That must be the new body bag. Oh you have to go do you. Well I'm sorry. But I'm sure we'll meet again for another story. I hope to see you soon. Until next time. Pleasant dreams. You have just heard Chet Chetters tales from the Mord. Today's installment. Biloxi battles the bogus beavers of Bornec. The names and characters portrayed in this production are fictitious. Any similarities with actual persons living or dead including beavers is purely coincidental. A production by M&J. Audio.
