From Hollywood, Colgate Toothbowder presents the Mel Blank Show, written by Mack Benoff, with Mary Jane Croft, Joe Kearns, Hans Conrad, Dee Benadera, Joe Walker, the sportsman, Victor Miller and his orchestra, and starring the creator of The Voice of Bugs Bunny. What's up, Jack? Yes, Colgate Toothbowder, for a breakfast sweet and teeth that sparkle, brings you the Mel Blank Show, with Mel playing his new character, Zookie. Hello, everybody. Hi. Starring himself in person, Mel Blank. Hi, folks. Uggah, uggah, boo, uggah, boo, boo, uggah. One of the biggest foreign stars to sweep the country these days is James Mason. When a James Mason picture is showing, everybody drops their tea and crumpets and runs to the movies. And so it is in Mel Blank's little town. The local movie house is crowded, and in the orchestra, we hear Sally Brown saying to Joe Howard, Oh, Joe, when he said to her, you have the most adorable lips in the world, did that make you think of anything? I wanted to kiss you, of course. And in the logees, Shirley Davis says to Jerry Cooper, Jerry, when he said, darling, I could hold you in my arms forever, did that make you think of anything? I thought of holding you in my arms, naturally. And in the balcony, where Mel Blank has been sitting with his girl, Betty Colby, Betty is saying. Mel, when he said, darling, how I've hungered for you, oh, I could eat you up alive, did that make you think of anything? It sure did, Betty. I'm going to get another bag of popcorn. Well, romantic Mel got his popcorn, Betty got bored, and now we find them leaving the movie. Oh, gosh, that was wonderful. Now, what did you like best about the movie tonight? Getting in before the price has changed. No, I mean James Mason. Oh, what a lover. Did you see the way he hit Ann Todd with his cane? Oh, that's real love. What kind of love is that? All he does is beat women. He hits them all the time. He only makes $100,000 a year. Probably gets paid by the lump. Why should he want to act in pictures? He can retire and sell band-aids. You're just jealous. Oh, those English movies, everybody's so nonchalant. The hero comes in and says to his wife, darling, I've just shot your mother and father, would you care for a cup of tea? And she says, with cream, please, are they dead? And he says, quite. And she says, what else is new? You're exaggerating. Oh, I am not. Betty, if you want to see some real English acting, wait until you see me tomorrow. Yeah, I'm playing a lover, just like James Mason in a play I wrote for Mrs. Grimes. And she's putting it on tomorrow for her favorite charity. That's when you'll really see- Oh, hello, Betty. Hello, Father. Hello, Mr. Colby. Hello, Mel. I'll bet you took Betty to the movies tonight. Yeah. How did you know, Mr. Colby? Well, before Betty left the house, she asked me for 50 cents. Only 50 cents? Betty, where did you get the other 50 cents from me? Oh, you nincompoop. Now, careful how you talk to me, Mr. Colby. I'm going to be famous. Tomorrow night, I'm acting in a play I wrote for Mrs. Grimes' charity. You mean that silly banker Grimes' wife is going to put on a play you wrote? Yes. And when the people see how much better I am than James Mason, I'm sure to get some offers from Hollywood. Who knows? After tomorrow's show, I may be working for Paramount. Duh. Sounds like you're working for MGM. Listen, Mel, if you so much as get one Hollywood offer, I'll let you marry Betty. How's that? Why, that's wonderful, Mr. Colby. Thanks. He thinks he's really going to get an offer. Come along, Betty. I don't want you to be seen walking along the street with a moron. Well, if you take the back alleys, Mr. Colby, nobody will notice. One, two, three, four. Come along, Betty. Goodbye, Mel. Bye, Betty. Hmm. So I won't get an offer, huh? Why are you so tough about acting like James Mason? Emily, where have you been? All you need is an English accent and indigestion. I think I'll walk back to my fix-it shop. Oh, Melvin. Oh, it's Mrs. Grimes yourself. Hello, Mrs. Grimes. Say, how's the play coming? You look excited about something. Oh, I am, Melvin. I feel as though I was soaring on fleecy clouds. My feathers ruffled in the breeze, my wings spreading. Oh, I'm a bird. Well, pull up a statue and sit down. Tell me, what's on your mind? Oh, I'm so happy I could burst into song. Oh, and I'm calling you. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. With calls like that, no wonder there's a telephone strike. Oh, your answer true. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. If I ever gave her a true answer, she'd shoot herself. Oh, Melvin, stop interrupting. I'm singing the Indian love call. The Indian love call? No wonder they're a vanishing race. Say, Mrs. Grimes, what are you so excited about? Oh, Melvin, I have the most wonderful news. James Mason himself is coming to act in your play tomorrow night. James Mason? But what about me? I didn't write a play for him. Oh, Melvin, don't be ridiculous. You can't compare yourself with James Mason. But don't worry. I've written a part for you. You're going to be a Chinese detective. A Chinese detective? Well, Melvin, I must be off. You're not kidding. I'm calling you. How do you like that, a Chinese detective? Well, I'll have to be so good, I'll still get a Hollywood offer and marry Betty. Let's see, James Mason. To be or not to be. Without his noble eye. No, that's no good. I've got to start practicing my new part. Oh, too ticky or not too ticky. Without his noble eye to wash your laundry or make you shirty. Oh, hola ma. Use Colgate Tooth Powder. Keep smiling just right. Use it each morning and use it each night. It cleans your teeth, makes breath so sweet. Use Colgate Tooth Powder. Want teeth that sparkle and dazzle, a breath that's fresh and sweet? Then try Colgate Tooth Powder. For the new all purpose Colgate Tooth Powder cleans your teeth and sweetens your breath. 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She's sleeping in the valley, and the Mockingbird is singing where she lies. Listen to the Mockingbird, listen to the Mockingbird. The Mockingbird's still singing on her grave. Listen to the Mockingbird, listen to the Mockingbird. Still singing where the weeping willows wade. Listen to the Mockingbird, listen to that bird. She's a-singing and a-mocking and a-reeling and a-rocking on her grave. Listen, listen to the Mock, Mock, Mocking of the Mockingbird. He's a-singing and a-mocking where the weeping willows wade. Listen, listen to the singing and the mocking and the reeling and the rocking of the Mockingbird. I'm dreaming now of Hallie, sweet Hallie, sweet Hallie. I'm dreaming now of Hallie, for the thought of her is one that never dies. The Mockingbird is singing on her grave, the Mock, Mock, Mockingbird. Well, back to Mel Blank. Poor Mel is a very disappointed lad. He was to have acted the leading role in a play he wrote for Mrs. Grimes' favorite charity. But she secured the services of James Mason. Now Mel's dreams of Hollywood fame are shattered. And to add to Mel Blank's misery, who should come along into his fix-it shop but the town-bo brummel, Hartley Benson? Hello, Hartley. Hot, isn't it? Naturally, with thousands of women carrying the torch for great big, adorable me. In fact, Mel, old boy, I'm so divine every inch I could give myself a pinch. Hartley, the way you talk, you think every woman in the country was nuts about you. Form your own conclusion, Mel, but I'm the only man in the country who was given a lifetime membership in the YWCA. Oh, Hartley, you and your stories. You're not such a big man with the women. Oh, no. A botanist at Harvard recently reported that the birds and the bees tell their children about me. So you see, Mel, I'm essential to every young bird. So are worms. Oh, that does it. Oh, you exasperate me. In fact, I'm so exas I could parate. That makes me very happy to deliver this message. Mrs. Grimes has been unable to obtain James Mason, and your play is off. What? That's right. No play. Well, I shall be going. I'm so pretty to see I shall whistle at me. Oh, boy, nice seeing me. What a character. He's the only person in the world who has a marriage license with his name signed in both places. Gosh, no play. I'm ruined. Hello, Mel. Greetings, great and loyal zebra. How is your fellow voyager on the sea of matrimony? Mel, if you mean my wife, the word is irrigation ditch. In fact, she's more of a cross between a water pump and a ditch. Sort of a witch. But a witch is someone who flies around in the dead of night on an old broom. Mel, have you ever noticed that our broom has a bicycle seat on it? If you feel like that, how come you married your wife in the first place? Mel, it was the third place. I escaped from the first two. Oh, come now. All right, Mel, you're right. I'm making things up. When I first married my wife, she had the complexion of a budding rose. And now? Withered soup green. Mine was a California wedding, Mel. There I stood under the orange blossoms, marrying the smudge pot. I should have known when I was condemned. Well, how come? Well, the night before the wedding, her father said I could have anything I wanted. He's a water woman. Another day, I was in the kitchen cooking a seafood dinner. My wife looked at the pot of boiling water and she said, Come on, John, don't just stand there. Throw in the old crab. Dad, what a temptation. I don't know why I'm telling you all this. It's just that I've gotten old and it's all... Well, think how badly I feel, mighty potentate. Mrs. Grimes is calling off my play because she can't get James Mason. Mel, I heard about that, but why should you be worried? Why don't you impersonate him? Yeah, why didn't I think of that? How come you thought of the idea of impersonating a man who beats up women? Mel, you're speaking of my lifelong ambition. Well, good luck, Mel. I gotta be going now. Where are you going, mighty potentate? Well, Mel, I can do one of two things. I can go to the movies and see Smash Up, or I can go home and look at the wreck I married to. Well, good luck, Mel. I gotta be going now. Gee, that's a wonderful idea you gave me. I'll play the James Mason part and the Chinese detective. I'd better send Zucchi over to tell Mrs. Grimes before she does anything else. Oh, Zucchi! Zucchi! Well, Zucchi, do you think Mel is good enough to impersonate James Mason? Sure, Mrs. G-G-Sure, Mrs. G-G-Sure, Tuts. Mel is just as handsome as he is. He's just as handsome. He's as good a-a-as attractive as he is. Well, they both wear pants. Well, do you think I should give Mel a chance? Oh, you won't regret it, Mrs. Grimes. When Mel comes out for the final curtain, they'll give him an osc-osc-osc. An acatomy of a-wee. Acatomy of a-wee. A-wee. They'll give him a-a-a special prepare-prepare-prepare. They'll give him a-ha-ha-ha. Has anybody got a ripe tomato? Now, Zucchi, this is a serious matter. I want you to say, Mrs. Grimes, it is my honest, unbiased, and unprejudiced opinion that Mel cannot fail in his characterization of James Mason. Uh, okay. Mrs. Grimes, it is my honest, unbiased, and unprejudiced opinion that Mel cannot fail in his characterization of James Mason. Why, Zucchi! Oh, what I said! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and friends. As you know, Mel Blank has written a play for our charity. Tonight he's going to play the part of James Mason and the Chinese detective. So, it is with pleasure that we now present Mel's mystery play entitled, Murder During the Music Lesson or Who Shot the Soprano in the Middle of Her Repertoire? Ah, where is my James? I feel he doesn't love me anymore. We're drifting apart. He hasn't given me a concussion all week. Ah, there he is. Oh, James, there you are. My arms have been waiting for you. My lips have been waiting for you. Speak to me. Speak. Speak. Leave me, cornucopia. Stop groveling at my feet. Oh, but I love you. Oh, stop it. You're spoiling my shine. James, James, where were you last night? Uh, what's the use of pretending? You mean? Yes, I was out beating another woman. Well, I still love you. My heart is with you wherever you go. When you go to work, I'm with you. When you go hunting, I'm with you. When you go for a walk, I'm with you. Well, I'm going to the Turkish bath tonight. Hot that. Cornucopia, forget me. Marriage is out of the question. I don't want to be tied down to any one woman. Oh, but my mother is giving me a dowry of a million dollars. Get the rope. Oh, I'm so happy. My beloved, shower me with kisses. Shower me. Shower me. Come now. Don't you think you're old enough to take your own shower? Oh, I'm so happy. I shall ring the butler for some tea. You rang, madam? Yes, ring some tea. You know, James, I have a feeling of doom. So have I. So have I. So... Oh, stop it already. Madam. Yes, Beros. A terrible tragedy has occurred. Your mother has been shot. Tea is served. Oh, this is terrible. Beros, send for Charlie Chan, the detective. And Beros... Yes, madam. Make mine with lemon. Madam, the detective. Ah, watch for the day, the seventh of May. Oh, me come a laddy way. Chomp, chomp. Tell me, are you Charlie Chan? Oh, no, he can't come. Me, Charlie Chan's brother, Charlie Hors. Eh, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp. What's up, Doc? My mother has been shot. Care for some tea? Yes. Sugar? One lump. Crumpet? One crump. Mmm, most unusual case I ever seen. Lady dead two hours, apartment not rented yet. Remind me of Mystery Radio Program, the one about Leo DeRoscia. Uh, Mystery Radio Program about Leo DeRoscia? What's that? Suspended. Oh, that's a very cute joke, very clever, timely. Yeah, yeah. No, no, no. Ah, blame me no butler. Where's a butler? Butler! Sure! Sure I am, sir. Butler, where was you on night of May 12th, 1950? But 1950 isn't sure yet. Very weak alibi. Did you see Lady shot? No, I couldn't. The gun I was shooting was in front of my eyes. Oh, funny boy, that clears you then. Thank you, sir. Ah, yeah, but bling in, Sir James. No one get away from Charlie Hors. Last week, I mean, capture Frenchie, the killer. Him got chair. There, Frenchie Fry. Ah, Sir James, I wish to interrogate you. Blast you! No one can interrogate, I mean interrogate me. Ah, me no likey you. As honorable ancestor say to claw side masseur, you rub me wrong way. But I please me very sorry, I mean so charmed. Maybe you're getting confused. Oh, yeah, confusion. See, him say pip pip. I mean, on top of them, I mean chopped. I eat. I eat. Oh, very sorry, old man, I losing my place. I can only mix it up. Well, now, that silly play certainly taught you one thing. You're a terrible writer. And even worse as an actor. You can say that again. You're a terrible writer. And even worse as an... All right, all right. I'll stay in my fix-it shop. I don't want to be an actor. I can't do impersonations. I'll forget the whole thing. Well, I'm glad to hear you've come to your senses, Mel. And to celebrate, I'll take you both to the movies. They're showing a wonderful Peter Laurie picture. Peter Laurie? What do you want to go and see him for? I do a much better job. Listen to this. I went to the morgue and a corpse in back of me fell down on me. But I didn't mind. It was just a friendly slab on the back. Oh, Mel, wow! Oh, very sorry, Mrs. Fombi. I hope I'm not talking too much. This is Bud Easton reminding you that Colgate Toothpouter for a breasted sweet and teeth that sparkle brings you the Mel Blank Show every Tuesday at this time. Be sure to join us again next Tuesday night for more fun with Mel and the people you'll meet in Mel Blank's fix-it shop. Say hello to Halo Shampoo for naturally bright and beautiful hair. Remember, even finest soaps and soap shampoos hide the natural luster of your hair with Dulling Soap Film. But Halo Shampoo contains no soap, therefore leaves no Dulling Soap Film. Even in hardest water, Halo makes oceans of rich, fragrant lather, quickly banishes loose dandruff and dirt. Halo needs no lemon or vinegar rinse. Say hello to Halo and goodbye to Dulling Soap Film. Get Halo Shampoo at any cosmetic counter. Remember, Mel Blank at the same time every Tuesday night. This is PBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System. www.p Is The City You Well solvent
