From Hollywood, Colgate Toothpater presents the Mel Blank Show written by Mack Benoff with Mary Jane Croft, Joe Kearns, Hans Conrad, Elvia Allman, Jill Walker, Bud Widom, the sportsman Victor Miller and his orchestra and starring the creator of The Voice of Bugs Bunny. What's up Jack? Yes, Colgate Toothpater for a breath that's sweet and teeth that sparkle brings you the Mel Blank Show with Mel playing his new character Zookie. Hello, hello, hi. And starring himself in person, Mel Blank. Hi folks, ugga ugga boo, ugga boo boo ugga. It's a warm spring day in Mel Blank's little town and young couples thoughts are lightly turning to, well, thoughts. Everybody has spring-itis and we hear Mary Baker saying to her boyfriend Warren. Gosh Warren, I've been tapping my feet all day long. Gee I wish I'd known Mary, we could have gone to a dance tonight. And elsewhere we hear Barbara Bevin saying to her boyfriend Jerry. Gosh Jerry, I've been tapping my feet all day long. Gee I wish I'd known Barbara, we could have gone to a dance tonight. And in Mel Blank's fix-it shop where we find Mel and his girl Betty Colby, Betty is saying. Gosh Mel, I've been tapping my feet all day long. Gee I wish I'd known Betty, you could have cracked some walnuts for me. Yes, Mel is being very evasive and believe it or not he doesn't want to take Betty out. It seems that Mel having made an impression on the town's society leaders with his impersonations had become quite a social lion. So now let's look in at the fix-it shop and listen to the lion roar. I'm sorry Betty but I can't take you to the movies tonight. A man of my social position only attends operas, concerts, political lectures and art exhibitions. But Mel they're showing a Betty Grable picture. Let's go that's one art exhibition I must say. No Betty, no bourgeois cinemas for me. I've even turned in my Roy Rogers badge. Oh come now Mel. And Betty please don't call me Mel anymore. From now on it's Melvin Jerome Blank the third. The third? You mean this has happened twice before? Yes, my grandfather was first, my father was second, I'm third. And I have a son he'll be home plate. Who's playing sharp stop? Oh Mel just because you went to a party it's no biggie. A party? Betty dozens of parties. Yesterday I was cocktailing at the Vanderpoofs at seven, cocktailing at the Lenahans at eight, cocktailing at the Brooks at nine. What were you doing at ten? Ice bagging at home. Well then you can't go with me tonight huh? No Betty tonight I've been invited to the mansion of Mrs. Grimes the society leader of our town. Boy I can't wait till I get there. I'll kill him with my impersonations. Oh here comes father. Hello father. Oh hello Betty. Hello Mel. Neighborly greetings to you Squire Colby. Squire Colby? Such affectation. You big nanny you're ruining my supermarket with the way you fix things. What did you do to my sausage machine? Oh I fixed it Mr. Colby. I didn't have enough parts so I put some in from a cigarette making machine. A cigarette making machine? I wonder those sausages came out with cork tips. What are you worried about? No other sausage can make that statement. Looking at you I often wonder how long can a person live without a brain? Don't worry Mr. Colby you've got plenty of good years left yet. Come along Betty let's not waste our time any longer. Humph. Humph. Good day Squire. Gosh I must have sounded like an awful heel to Betty and her father. But if you want to get ahead in the world you've got to be tough. I'd better practice my impersonations for Mrs. Grimes. Oh here comes Mrs. Grimes herself. Ah greetings Squirus Grimes. Oh Melvin Blank. Oh the ever-besting exuberance of spring. Melvin I'm blossoming all over. I'm budding. Oh I'm a tree. Well don't look now Mrs. Grimes but your sap is showing. Oh Melvin you're so droll. You know ever since you've flitted into our social set we've become rejuvenated. Oh I feel like a spreading bough. I feel like a fruit laden tree. I feel like a leafy elm. Oh and you've done it all. I feel like a sack of vigoro. Oh Melvin tonight my party and you'll be there. Oh the weather is so beautiful I can't contain myself. I love life. I want to live. Yeah well why should she kill it for everybody else? The drink of my spoon is a drink all I can give. Somebody ought to put a Mickey in that drink. I love life. Oh Melvin tonight your social star shall ascend. Oh you mean I get a chance to do... I get a chance to do some more impersonations? No Melvin tonight we shall be serious. We are going to have a literary quiz and you shall be our Clifton Fadiman. Uh sure sure Mrs. Grimes. Oh Melvin call me by my first name. All right Methuselah. Oh he said again. Oh Methuselah. Hello. Goodbye Melvin. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Gosh what she could do for that Brooklyn infield. Well what can I do for myself? A literary evening. I don't even know a long fellow from a short beer. They want me to be Clifton Fadiman and I can't even be Clifton Finnegan. Use Colgate Tooth Powder. Keep smiling just right. Use it each morning and use it each night. It cleans your teeth. Makes breath so sweet. Use Colgate Tooth Powder. Want teeth that sparkle and dazzle. A breath that's fresh and sweet then try Colgate Tooth Powder. Well the new all purpose Colgate Tooth Powder cleans your teeth and sweetens your breath. Yes, this new all-purpose tooth powder produces an amazingly rich active foam that's marvelously effective. Every time you brush your teeth with this new all-purpose Colgate tooth powder, your whole mouth feels clean, sweet, fresh. Your teeth regain their natural sparkle. It's been proved in seven cases out of ten that Colgate tooth powder instantly stops unpleasing breath that originates in the mouth. And as for cleaning, you can depend on Colgate tooth powder revealing the natural brilliance of your teeth. Yes, Colgate tooth powder, the new all-purpose tooth powder, does everything you can expect or ask of a dentapress. Try Colgate tooth powder today for teeth that sparkle and a breath that's sweet. Use Colgate tooth powder! And now Victor Miller, the sportsman, and Alexander's Ragtime Band. There's a band that's coming to our town, la da la da la da la da. They play most anything from hung up to whole town, la da la da la da la da. So come on in here, come on in here, Alexander's Ragtime Band. Come on in here, come on in here, and it's the best band in the land. They can play a bugle call like you never heard before. So natural that you want to go to war. That's just the bestest band in the land. Come on, come on along. Let me take you by the hand to see the band. Up to the man, what man? The leader man, that man. He's the leader of the band. And if you care to hear the Swanee River play in ragtime, come on and hear Alexander's Ragtime Band. Alexander's Ragtime Band. It's the best band in the land. It's just the bestest band, what am honey land? Come on along. I'm gonna take you by the hand. Up to the man, up to the man. Who's the leader of the band? The leader of the band, if you want to hear the Swanee River play in ragtime. When you hear Alexander's, come on, come on and hear Alexander's ragtime band. Well, now back to Mel Blank. Tonight's problem is, how can Mel hold up his end of the literary evening to which Mrs. Grimes has invited him? But when it comes to things literary, Mel is strictly blank. Right now, he's in his fix-it shop trying to think of something very literary when in comes the town bo-brummel, Hartley Benson. Hello, Hartley. It's good to see you. Naturally, Mel, old boy. It's always good to see great being adorable me. In fact, Mel, I am so sweet I could throw myself at my feet. Hartley, for once you don't bother me. Now that I'm in society, I can look down on you. Lovely sight, isn't it? I went to a society dance myself last week, Mel. The girls were dressed in tight-fitting dresses and low-cut gowns, but all eyes were upon me. What were you wearing? A strapless tweed. Oh, but was I mad? I had one dance with a ravishingly beautiful blonde when a man cut in and said, I want to dance with the most gorgeous creature on the floor. What did you do? What could I do? We danced. The music was supplied by Phil's Patelny and his All Girl Orchestra, but when I entered the hall, the girls all stopped playing. Why? Mel, old boy, you can't pant and play the trombone at the same time. Who wants to be a head of the dance? I'm a big shot in real society. Well, Mel, I'm being featured in an advertisement that is real society. It carries a picture of me, and underneath it, it says, he's lovely, he's engaged, he's marrying himself. Yes, yes, yes. As a matter of fact, my face may be on the cover of Look. Hardly with a face like yours, I'd look for cover. Oh, that does it. You made me indignant. Why, I'm so indig I could nant. Good day, Mel, you buffoon, and I leave you with the words of the immortal John Keats, a thing of beauty is a Hartley Benson. So long, nice seeing me. I don't know anything about literature. I think I'll call up Mrs. Grimes and tell her I can't come. Hello, Mel, uh-uh-uh-boo, uh-uh-uh-boo, uh-uh. Greetings, great and mighty zebra, uh-uh-uh-boo, uh-uh-uh-boo, uh-uh. What's the matter, mighty potentate? You look tired. Oh, I am, Mel. I haven't slept a wink in nights. Lately, my wife's been walking in her sleep. Why should that keep you awake? All night long, I run around opening up windows. Mighty potentate, you live on the fourth floor of an apartment house. You wouldn't want your wife to fall out, would you? Ha! You got a new thing now, Mel. She goes to bed with hot water bottles. Mel, it's like sleeping next to a stack of old tires. Last night, though, she was in a good mood. She kissed me ten times. Tell you, Mel, it's like being trapped in a convertible with a top going up and down. What did your wife look like when you married her? Well, Mel, she was young, and at that age, most women have a schoolgirl complexion. Well, how did her complexion look? Like she was expelled. She also had a mole on her chin, but it was hardly noticeable. Her nose covered it. Well, her nose couldn't be that long. No? Then why is it when we go to the zoo, the elephant feeds her peanuts? As a matter of fact, she could lead the Republican parade, except for one thing. What's that? She's got such long ears, the Democrats want her, too. What a woman! Well, you sound a little peeved. Well, the other day, I drove my wife downtown to do her shopping, and just as we were on the bridge crossing the river, she said, Oh, John, you can drop me anywhere you want to. Yeah, what a temptation! I don't know why I'm telling you all this. It's just that I've known it all along! Mighty Potentate, listen to my troubles. I'm going to a literary discussion at Mrs. Grimes' house, and they'll ask me a lot of questions and I can't answer them. Oh, Mel, that's an easy problem. Just get yourself an encyclopedia. What's the good of that? I can't bring it with me. Well, I'll help you out, Mel. You have Zuckey bring the encyclopedia to me, and tonight I'll hide outside on the balcony of Mrs. Grimes' house. You stand near the window and I'll whisper the answers to you. But Mighty Potentate, can you sneak up into the house without being seen or heard? Mel, for 20 years, my life has depended on it. Where are you going now, Mel? Where are you going, Mighty Potentate? Well, I can do one of two things. I can go to the movies and see Johnny O'Clock, or I can go home and look at the face that'll stop one. See you later at Mrs. Grimes' house, Mel. So long. Agagaboo agaboo aga. Agagaboo agaboo aga. Now to send Zuckey over to get an encyclopedia and bring it to the Mighty Potentate's house. Oh, Zuckey, Zuckey. All right, young man, you can browse around the bookshop. When you see something you want, just whistle. Okay. Let's see now. Some magazines, some bb bb bb bb bb. What do you want? That blonde behind the counter. No, no, I want an encyclopedia. Well, here's one you might want. It's got all the latest statistics in it. Hmm. California. The average rainfall for California has been nine, two feet, six, ten, twelve feet. Run for the hills. A dam is broken. The figures on California pedestrians are interesting, too. Oh, let's see. Automobiles knocked down four out of six out of 99 out of a hundred. They haven't got a chance. Will you take the book? Sure, wrap up the bb bb bb bb bb bb bb bb bb. Wrap up the blonde. Oh, mighty potentate, here we are at the Grimes house. All right, Mel, now you go in and I'll go around the back way. Just stall them off till you hear from me. I'll be on the balcony outside the window. Swell, I'll ring the doorbell. Hello, Mrs. Grimes. Oh, Melvin, come right into the library. I want you to meet everybody. Everybody, come on. Meet Mr. De Christ. So charmed. I'm pleased to meet you. So charmed. Lady Fortescue, delighted. Delighted. Lord Bumbledown. Oh, gently hold this roll of flour. Oh, I'm so glad you're here. There you go. Oh, Melvin, the Raja is here with the maha raja. Where's the papa raja? Oh, thank you. No one was laughing at your beastly joke. Melvin, sit down there by the window. We have passed the literary discussion and we are now taking up rock formations. I don't suppose you know the difference between a stalagmite and a stalagmite. Who does it? After three martinis, a stalagmite becomes stalag-tite. Yes, I'm sure. No, no, no, no, no, Melvin. Stalagmites come out of the floor and stalag-tites come out of the ceiling. Oh, that's funny. In my fix-it shop, they come out of the woodwork. Lord Bumbledown, what are you laughing at? Where's the papa raja? It's so funny, I shall laugh uproariously. Melvin, you're causing entirely too much levity in this discussion. Now, I will ask you a question. Oh, Mrs. Grimes, do you mind if I open the window? It's a little stuffy in here. Oh, not at all, Melvin. Oh, thanks. Hey, Mr. Cushing, are you out there? Okay, Mel, I'm all set. Now, are you ready for the question, Melvin? Go right ahead, Mrs. Grimes. I have a gentleman in the balcony. I mean, ask me anything you want. I warned you. This is a stickler. This is the question. How many children were born in an average Italian city in 1925? Hey, Mel, in the city of Florence, Italy, there were 50,000 children born. Oh, I've got it, Mrs. Grimes. In 1925, a girl by the name of Florence who lives in Italy gave birth to 50,000 children. Oh, now I get it. The raw junk comes out of the woodwork. I shall ask another question. What is the longest river and the highest mountain in South America? Mel, the Amazon and the Andes. I got it. Amos and Andy. Melvin, you're being ridiculous. Now, my next question has... Oh, my goodness. Is that a face in the window? Well, statistics show that last year, 30,000 faces... Oh, it's Mr. Cushing. What do you mean by Eve's dropping outside my window? Oh, just a second, Mrs. Grimes. I'll take the blame for everything. You see, I... Oh, what's the matter now? I just got it. Eve and Andy had 50,000 children. That's tremendously, Father. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Eve and Andy had 50,000 children. That's tremendously, Father. Oh, shut up! Well, Mel, have you had enough of high society? Yeah, Betty. Back with the people of my own class. People like you and your father. People who appreciate... Oh, Mel, stop yapping so much and get on with this game of checkers. But, Mr. Colby, all I was saying... Come on! Make your move before I break every bone in your body. What did you say? I said I'll break every bone in your body. Ah, that's like music to my ears. I'm home again. Use cold gate tooth powder, keep smiling just right. Use it each morning and use it each night. It cleans your teeth, makes breath so sweet. Use cold gate tooth powder. A smile that dazzles, a breath that's sweet, teeth that sparkle. What a thrill to have all three. Then try cold gate tooth powder. Cold gate all purpose tooth powder. Its rich active foam gets into every corner of your mouth to sweeten your breath. In seven cases out of ten, it's been proved cold gate tooth powder instantly stops unpleasing breath that originates in your mouth. And when it comes to cleaning your teeth, you can't buy a dentifrice that does a better job than cold gate tooth powder, the all purpose tooth powder. So for teeth that sparkle and a breath that's sweet, try cold gate tooth powder, the all purpose tooth powder. Use cold gate tooth powder. This is Bud Easton reminding you that cold gate tooth powder for a breath that's sweet and teeth that sparkle brings you the Mel Blank show every Tuesday. Next week, part of the country goes on daylight saving time. If your area remains on standard time, tune in to Mel Blank one hour earlier. Be sure to join us again next Tuesday night for more fun with Mel and the people you'll meet in Mel Blank's Fix It Show. Lovely Joan Bennett is another famous Hollywood star to rave over cashmere bouquet, bow cake, the new cake makeup sensation. Joan Bennett says, I'm wild over cashmere bouquet, bow cake. So clever, so practical with a makeup sponge in its own moisture proof compartment right in the compact. Yes, cashmere bouquet, bow cake for the first time brings you the makeup sponge right inside the case. Buy the new cake makeup sensation, cashmere bouquet, bow cake at cosmetic counters today. Remember if your area remains on standard time, tune in Mel Blank next Tuesday one hour earlier. This has been CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.
