Your Coca-Cola Bottler presents, Claudia, based on the famous play and novels by Rose Franken. Brought to you transcribed Monday through Friday by your friendly neighbor who bottles Coca-Cola. Relax, and while you're listening, refresh yourself. Have a Coke. And now, Claudia. Watch out where you're going, Claudia. I'm watching. Why do we always have to do our Christmas shopping at the last minute? We don't always do our Christmas shopping at the last minute, David. We've only been Christmas shopping for two years. This one makes it two. How much farther is it to the store? I want to get back to the office before five. Sit down the street a little ways more. David, stop looking so grumpy. Your Christmas shopping is supposed to fill people with joy and happiness. Claudia, watch out where you... Oh, I'm sorry, Miss. Excuse me. Oh, for heaven's sake. Here, give me your hat. Here, darling. Oh, I think Mama loved that black alligator bag, don't you, David? I haven't seen it, remember? Oh, so you haven't. Well, anyway, Mama loved it. Nice, handsome, plain-looking. You know, it's not easy giving Mama a present, David. You're telling me it's not easy. Been pushing around in this mob of traffic till I feel like a bath mat girl around here. Kind of crone. Honestly, I don't know what it is about men. They make such a fuss. I sort of enjoy a crowd now and again. Guess what the black alligator bag is. Just the present for Mama. It looks so stunning under her arm, David. And it'll go perfectly with your gray suit, I know. That is not why I'm buying it. Oh, much. I know you have an ulterior motive. I haven't. And I haven't got a black pocketbook either. Get over here. Besides, it's very nice when Mother and Daughter can lend and borrow. Especially when you do the borrowing and Mama the lending. Especially. Oh, David, Christmas is nice. Go on, David, admit it. Say it's nice. Oh, this wacky shopping business is nice. I don't know how I'll let you talk me into coming with you. I know, because you're as sentimental about Mama as I am. And she's much too good for you. Oh, you're telling me. That's why I wanted to give her the best pocketbook I could possibly find. To go with your gray suit. We made it. Here we are. Here's the store, David. Look out for those boxes. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Excuse me. There, there. I wish we were back home. Well, we might as well go in. Come on, hang on. I'm hanging by my feet? Well, this isn't so bad, David. Come on, let's go in. Not really so crowded. No, it isn't so bad. Just look at this crowd. Not as many people as on the street. Well, it's not as big either. Hey, your hat's on crooked, darling. I'm surprised it's on at all. Now, where do we go from here? Just go back, straight back, two counters down. Two counters down. That looks like seven miles. Sorry, Mr. Why didn't you buy the bag when you saw it this morning? Well, I just wasn't sure that we'd decide to give it to Mama, that's all. What made you decide we would? I just decided. Well, never again. Am I going to... David, you look so grim as if you're playing football. An apt description of how I feel. Come on. Oh, here we are. We made it. We've still got one counter to go. Come on. Forward. If there's any buttons left on my coat, it isn't any fault of mine. Oh, how do I look, darling? The air's peeking through. Which one? Where? Both of them. Oh, for heaven's sake. Well, those can't be helped. Oh, um, uh, mister, please put good... Who are you yelling to? Salesman. That's what you call a salesman. Well, not mister, I'll tell you that. I know that much. I just... Stop waving. He'll be over here in a moment. He's just taking care of that lady, can't you see? Now, be patient. David, now, you cannot shop with that attitude. Nobody else is patient. It's a fight for survival. When women shop, they always have to be first. They simply can't wait their turn. When women shop, they know what they're doing. Always jockeying for position, lady. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Now, you stand still. The salesman will take care of us as soon as he can. Oh, not a minute sooner, believe me. David, how you can be so righteous in a time like this? I'm not righteous. I'm right. Well, I won't quibble. Claudia, stop pushing. I'm not pushing. Somebody's pushing me. Pardon me, young lady, but would you mind if I stepped up to the counter? I would mind. I'm staying at the counter. Well, I'll... You little viper. If she had taken our place at the counter, we never would have gotten back, David. You don't trust your fellow woman at all, do you? No, not at all. I can't understand it. If we were buying all this simple little black alligator bag, why we couldn't have done it weeks ago? Well, I didn't think of a week to go, darling. I shopped for everybody else weeks ago, but for Mama, I needed inspiration. A black alligator bag doesn't seem like much inspiration to me. Besides, it's not like Christmas if you don't shop just before it. I suspect it as much. It's a good thing I realize you're not as grumpy as you act. I'm grumpy. Your lady, I am grumpy. Oh, oh, oh, uh, mister, could you... You don't call a salesman mister. All right, I call him Joe, then. Joe or Mike or whatever you want to, just don't call him mister. You call a waiter a waiter. Why can't you call a salesman sailor? Very funny. Oh, not so. Sailor, where have I heard that before? Oh, sailor, of course. But don't call him... Please, sir, we're... I'll be right with you, madam. I'm occupied. But we're next. I'll be right with you, madam, as soon as I finish with this customer. David, we were next. We came before that woman, that woman in the red hat. We were few. You get to us now. Have a little patience. Have a little patience. It's all I ever hear. David, do you think Mama will like it? A little patience on your part? I think she'd love it. I'm a black pocketbook on her part, though. I don't think she'll mind it. It's not exactly inspirational, but it'll do. It's awfully hard to give a present to Mama. She makes such a business of saying, Our children, I don't want presents. I don't want you to go out spending your money buying me anything. I thought you said she needed a pocketbook. She does. I do, too. So I don't see how she could object, do you? Besides, you don't think she means it, do you, David? About not giving a present, do you? No, I don't think she means it. Because that's almost the sort of thing I'd say, but I love getting presents. Oh, I think people just say what Mama says, so other people like us won't feel obligated, don't you? I think that salesman's forgotten we're alive. Yeah, I think I'll let him know. What do I call him? I thought you decided. Well, it's not easy. Cindy doesn't have much personality, does she? Salesman, please! Madam, I'll be right back. I'm taking care of this customer. But you said we were next! Claudia, Claudia, Claudia. What I'm doing, David, shh. Madam, please, I'm trying to do my best. Well, it's not good enough. We're short of sales clog, Madam, and I'm only doing what I can. I know that it's difficult for you, but we... I'll be right with you in just a moment. Now, Madam, time is relative. To me it isn't. David, don't pretend so much you don't care. I'm starting not to care. I only hope Mama appreciates this. She'll tell us we shouldn't have done it. I hate that salesman. David, stop pushing, you're stepping on my arm! I think I'm the only man in the store. Excuse me, I'm still trying to get to this counter. Well, it won't do you any good when you get here, Madam. Why not, young man? There is nothing when you get here, nothing at all, believe me. Well, all the cons... Honestly, some people... David, you are wonderful. You've dissolved into the crowd. I'm half a mind to dissolve out of this store. You wouldn't get to the door. Oh, honestly, really, there is no excuse for this kind of inefficiency. What so ever. Nobody's fault but ours. What are we doing here? Listen, if you ran your business so slovenly, you wouldn't be an architect for five minutes. Well, architectures differ. You've got enough sales clerks, that's plain. It's simply inefficiency. They never have enough at Christmas, it's plain normal. Will you stop looking so remote? We ask for this. I am sorry, lady, I am very sorry. We shouldn't have come. Stop saying that! I'm just being realistic. I'm being infuriating. If there's anything I can't stand at a time like this, it's cold calm. Would you rather I tear your hair? Yes, much rather. If a bus passes me on the street, I could kill it. This is the same thing exactly. It's the female in here. That salesman, I get out. Oh, cheerfully kill him. Poor little man. Obviously. You women have made a mess of this shopping. Look at all of you, clustering around like hens for your feed. I'm going. Go on then, go on. Mama doesn't need a bag. We'll give her the money instead. Fine by me. Come on, let's go. You mean it? Well, I guess since we're here, we might as well stay. Mama should have something under the tree, I guess. But never again am I going to go sweet. I am not sweet. Telling me won't make me sweet. You're a big help to me, David. You're an enormous help. I can see that I'll just have to do it all. Sales clerk, you come over here and wait on me this minute. You're shouting so everyone can hear you. Of course I am. Now, madam, I'll be with you in a moment. I can't be in ten places at once. You have ignored us for the last ten minutes. These customers came in ahead of you. They did not. And if you'll be patient enough for just one moment, Glenda, I'll be very happy to do what I can for you. Now, stop making a scene. I distinctly noticed that that woman with the purple hat came in later than we do. Well, she's older than we are. There is a time for respect and there is a time for survival, and this is it. Sales clerk, if you don't come over here and wait on us, I'll call the manager. A lot of good that'll do. The manager's gone home with a headache. Well, what about the assistant manager? There's anything I can't stand is disorganization, having one clerk behind this counter. It's ridiculous. Why five wouldn't be able to handle this business? Claudia, it's Christmas. Christmas is Christmas. I know it's Christmas. We've been expecting Christmas for 365 days. No reason why we can't be ready for it. My point exactly. Say, whose side are you on? Look, he's through with that customer. He's wrapping up her bag. David, wait till you see the pocket, because it'll make up for everything, because it's so, so right. It's just like Mama. That salesman doesn't come over to us after that customer. I will. I will leave. I'll tell you that right now. Come this way. Um, sales clerk. Right after I take care of this lady. Oh, many lives. What do you think we have? I'll be right with you, madam. I can't divide myself into eight parts. I have only two feet and two hands. Well, they're not enough. I'm doing my very best, madam. Oh, please. My husband is getting very impatient. It's my turn. All right, all right. It's my turn. Madam, just a moment, please. But it's my turn. I'm not going to wait here any longer. Well, you'd better come back to me right afterwards, because if you don't, I'm going right to the manager. Yes, madam, I'll be back with you, but these people, the easiest thing to do is to see what they want. I heard every word he said. Who cares what he said or not? I don't. Now, then, what is it I can do for you? Well, hello. Just ask him, Claudia, quickly. Get it over with. Only being polite. Yes, madam. Now, I saw a black alligator bag in your window this morning. This morning? Yes, it was in the left window. Oh, the black alligator bag with the gold clasp, solid gold, 14 carat? Yes, that's the one. And the little clasp was in a little rod with a ring through it? That is just the one. And it was about as large as a dictionary? Just about that size, exactly. Now, the bag was $42.50? David. $42.50, fine. Wrap it up, please. And you want a black one? Yes, black one. Well, I'm terribly sorry, but I sold the last one just 10 minutes ago. You what? If you'd come in just 10 minutes sooner, madam, I would have been very happy to sell it to you. But it's impossible. Is it? You couldn't. Ten minutes sooner? What do you mean? We were here. We were standing right here on this spot exactly 10 minutes ago. David, it's all your fault. If you had... We've been standing here. I do what I can. Just because we were trying to be polite, that lady had a box right in the middle of the small of my back. David, David, please let's go. Your nostrils are quivering. You bet your sweet life they're quivering. Well, of all of the crazy insane... If we'd have been here 10 minutes ago, I never heard of such a thing. And you, the very idea of you blaming this on me. Yes, madam, I have no... Darling, don't say another word. If you won't say another word, I won't either. That's right, lady, thank you. And before you go, may I wish you folks a happy holiday greeting. To keep the season appropriately merry and at the same time keep within the family budget often seems to call for feats of magic. But since a 24-bottle case of Coca-Cola cost only a dollar, no magic is really called for. Just call for a case of Coke today. Put a good supply on ice and let the hospitality begin. Oh, sir. Yes? Perhaps you can tell me why did that gentleman get so upset? I think he was disappointed about the bag. He seems very upset. And waiting around for nothing. That upset him too. I do what I can. Of course you do. Well, back to the howling horde. By the way, don't you think women shop better without their husbands? Personally, I think so. I can cope with the ladies, but the men, never. Well, in spite of that, Claudia's very grateful David's along tomorrow to bail her out when she buys his present. The pleasure is all theirs. Oh, my aching feet. Oh, heaven, look at all those women. Oh, there, there. Every day, Monday through Friday, Claudia comes to you transcribed with the best wishes of your friendly neighbor who bottles Coca-Cola. So listen again tomorrow at the same time. And now this is Joe King saying au revoir. And remember, whoever you are, whatever you do, wherever you may be, when you think of refreshment, think of Coca-Cola. For Coca-Cola makes any pause the pause that refreshes. And ice-cold Coca-Cola is everywhere. This broadcast of Claudia was supervised and directed by William Brown Maloney. And now here's a word from your friendly neighbor who bottles Coca-Cola.