M&J Audio Theatre presents Chet Chetters, Tales from the Morgue. Wow! Well now, come right in. Do have a seat, won't you? There. You are comfortable, I trust? Well good. I am Chet Chetter, the Morgue attendant here. I'm so glad you dropped in. I have quite a story to tell you today. It is about a man from Biloxi named Elmer Corn. Yes, I have quite a few stories about this man. Now let's see. It was late February on a Tuesday, and Mr. Corn was enjoying a week's vacation from his work of manure hauling. If I remember correctly, it was around 11.30 a.m. and Mr. Corn was sleeping in late. A rare privilege for a man who usually awakens at 5.30. Oh, oh, bad gumming. Okay, I'm awake. Okay, keep your britches on. I'm coming. Hello? Elmer! Elmer! Oh, howdy, Miss Maddie. How's your lower back? Oh, what's wrong? You had a toilet paper again? Rats, Elmer! Rats the size of small cats, Elmer! Save me! Wow! Rats the size of small cats, you see? Uh-huh! Yes, Elmer! Now, Miss Maddie, you ain't been fooling around in them mushrooms in your backyard, have you? No, Elmer, no! You gotta come over here now! Okay, now you just settle down. I'll be right over, Miss Maddie. Miss Maddix? Miss Maddix? Bad gum! I better hurry. Come on, Maddix. Don't stop now. Come on now. Get going, you honoree devil. Come on! Whoa, baby! I'm here, Miss Maddix! Miss Maddix, you okay? Look at them, Elmer! Look at them! Angela, mercy! They're all over the place! They're eating the furniture, Elmer! Yeah! Save me! Save me, Elmer! Save me! I'm sorry I ever doubted you, Miss Maddix. Don't be sorry. Just save me, Elmer. Look at 40 of them things. Big, too. Look at that one right there. That's the size of a Chihuahua or something. When I was talking to you over the phone, they just ate the legs out from underneath the chair! They just ate it all! And I'm standing on this table now! Oh, Elmer! They ate it! I've never heard of a rat doing something like that. You just stay up on that countertop, Miss Maddix. They can't get to you there. I'll make sure of it. Okay, Elmer. Okay. Boy, look at them. That warp of boils all over them. Look at the claws on them. The claws, Elmer! The claws! The claws! The claws! The claws! The furniture is down there! Say, listen, Miss Maddix. Yeah? Did you try seeking Fluffy on them? No, I didn't try that. Yes, I'm. He's in the other room. In the other room, Elmer. Okay. Alright. Call him or something, Elmer. Here, Fluffy. Here, Fluffy, you little boy. Fluffy, Fluffy. Come here, Fluffy. Fluffy, seek the rats. Seek the rats, Fluffy. Seek them. I think he sees the rats, Miss Maddix. Oh, good. Attaboy, Fluffy. You get them rats. There you go. There you go. Hey! Attaboy, Fluffy! Tear them rats from limb to limb. Yeah! Wait a minute. Whoa! Sheminy. Them rats pitched that cat through a window. Oh, Elmer. Oh, I'm awful sorry, Miss Maddix. Fluffy was a cute little kitty, too. That was my fault. It's a pity to go that way. That was my fault. I'm going to get even for that, though. You just watch me. Oh, good Elmer. You got a hunk of cheese in the ice box? Yeah, Elmer. Help yourself. Well, good. I got a can full of gasoline in the back of my truck. Okay. Alright. Come on now. Y'all want this hunk of cheese? Well, y'all going to have to come outside to get it. You disease carrying little dirt bag. You said it, Elmer. Alright. Here you go. Chow down. Wow. I'll tell you something, Miss Maddix. Them there are some versatile rats that can throw a cat through a window. They sure are. Let's just see how versatile they are when the heat pours on them. Oh, okay. Let's get some gasoline. Gasoline. Okay, Miss Maddix. Stand back now. Yes, sir, Elmer. Yes, sir. I'm fixing to torch this vermin. This here's for Fluffy. Yeah! Took you, ugly little devil. Wonderful, Elmer. Wonderful. I barbecued them, Miss Maddix. They won't be bugging you no more. That's terrific, Elmer. No more rats. Well, I'm glad to do it. I'm just sorry about Fluffy. Oh, darn it. Don't mention it. Goodness. Well, I'll tell you what, Miss Maddix. We'll have a memorial service late this evening, okay? Oh, Elmer, that'd be great. Just stand it. Oh! Elmer! Oh! Hey, jump! Elmer! Whoa! What was that? Whoa, he's so fierce. This house down the road, it just blowed up. It sure did, Elmer. I'll see you in a little while, Miss Maddix. I gotta go check this out. All right, sonny. Well, now, things are certainly happening quickly, aren't they? One thing's for sure, this is certainly no boring vacation for Mr. Korn. Cecil! Cecil, what in the world happened? You okay? Yeah. Elmer, my house just blow up. I know. I saw it from Miss Maddix's house. Good Lord, what in the world happened, Cecil? I don't know. I was just out repairing my motorcycle and all of a sudden, boom! Good Lord, it was an explosion like I'd never seen. Pardon me, I'm Lester Taylor. I'm the fire chief. Howdy. I've just been inspecting underneath your house here and I found this severed gas line. Wow. Yeah, just look at that, baby. Whoa. Whoa. Looks like it's been chewed in, too. Yeah. But then again, that's pretty impossible. Yeah. Well, Mr. Ferris, we're gonna salvage what we can. Well, thank you very much. I appreciate it. Bye-bye. That's a tough break, Cecil. I'm really sorry. I don't know how to tell you. Well, I need to call my insurance man, Elmer. Will you take me to your house? Oh, sure thing, Cecil. Sure thing. All right. Besides, it's a terrible thing to witness, your house burning down and everything. We can just get you away from all this. Come on over. Thank you, Elmer. All right. Hey, I've got the time. Whoa. Hey. Hey there, Elmer. Yep, here we are, Cecil. You're welcome to stay here as long as you need to. I'm gonna go in the front yard and get the paper, all right? Just hold on a sec. I'll be using your phone, Elmer. Okay. Now, let's see here. Oh, that paper's way out there. Boy, that paper boy's got a pitching on. Okay. Well, I wonder if there's gonna be any good news to read today. Oh, wow. What the? Hey, that's the ground shaking. What the hell? Hey, the ground's swelling me up. Good Lord. Cecil, help me up. I'm slipping. I'm slipping in the earth. Good Lord. I'm falling. Good God. What'd I fall into? Huh. Looks like a tunnel. The ground just opened up from under my feet and I just... Say so. Yeah. Cecil, come here. What are you doing in that hole, Elmer? Huh? Oh, not much. Just contemplating the universe. How'd you get down there, Elmer? I don't know. The ground just opened up and I fell into this thing. Reach in the back of my truck and get a rope, okay? In my toolbox. Okay. I'll get it. Throw it down here. All right. Huh. Sounds like this tunnel goes far. Can't see much. The light don't reach very far. Uh-oh. Oh, my good Lord. Rats. Sounds like thousands of them. Uh. Cecil. Yeah. What? Hurry up with that rope. I'm getting it. Hold your horses, Elmer. There's rats coming after me, Cecil. All right. Thousands. Elmer, say what? Hurry up. Here it comes, Elmer. Okay. Here it goes. All right. I got it. All right. I'm tying it around my waist. Oh, my God. All right. Hurry, Cecil. Pull me up. I'm too heavy, Elmer. I can't pull it up. What do you mean you can't, Cecil? I'm too weak. I'm just not strong enough. Why, you malnourished ninja. Put some muscle into it. Oh. Get off my leg, you filthy. Get off. They're eating me alive, Cecil. Tied to the back of my trailer, you fool. Pull me out of this thing with the truck. Hurry. I'll do it, Elmer. Hold your horses. Get off me. Get off me. Hey, it's working. It's working, Cecil. That's it, boy. Put the gas on it. It's working. They're coming. Oh, boy. Elmer. Elmer. Hey, thank you, Cecil. You saved my life, boy. Yeah. There was a sea of rats down there. Wow. Just a sea of them. Biggest two. Biggest dogs, I swear. I'm real sorry about calling you a malnourished idiot and all that. I thought I was about to become rodent fodder. You understand. Well, listen, Elmer, we're pals, all right? Well, thank you. We're just friends. Look, I'm gonna go inside and call Bernie Edwards. He runs a gasoline truck. Maybe he can help us out. Well, Elmer, what are you gonna do? Just never your mind, Cecil. I know what I'm doing. Watch that hole there and make sure none of them gigantic rats crawl out. Okay. Elmer raced to the phone and explained the rat problem to his friend. Soon a convoy of 10 tanker trucks arrived and began pumping great amounts of gasoline into the rat-filled tunnels. Well, how's it going, Bernie? You fellas almost finished? We're on the last tank now, Elmer. Good. Say, Elmer, you know it took a lot of tanks to fill up them there tunnels. Yeah? They must be all under Bloxy. They are. They are. One of them goes under Miss Maddox's house and one went under Cecil Ferris' house. One of them chewed one of his gas lines in two. Well, over Dadgum. See, Elmer, how are we gonna pay for all this? This ain't no time to talk about financial difficulties there, Bernie. We'll pay for that gasoline somehow, even if we have to take up a collection, I promise you. But right now, I think it's time to torch them rats. All right, fellas. I think that's enough gasoline. Let's put the fire to them. The men used torches to ignite the river of gasoline flowing throughout the tunnels. Instantly, the sound of screeching rats filled the air. The stench of burning flesh was everywhere. The fire burned for ten hours before it gradually died down. Y'all did a real good job, fellas. Thank you, Elmer. We figured to eat most of them ugly critters. Yeah. I think them rats were out for flesh, so I bet you saved a lot of lives. Glad to do it, Elmer. Glad to do it. Y'all did an excellent job. When the fire cools down, we'll go down in them tunnels and kill what's left of guns. What do you say? All right. We'll do it. All right. Elmer, there's a Cadillac pulling up in your driveway. Dadgum, that's a shiny thing, ain't it? Huh. Elmer. Elmer. Yeah. That's a brand new Cadillac. Well, Dadgum. Dadgum. It's one of them big city... Don't act like you've never seen one before, Cecil. Straighten up. Don't act like a hick. He's got a tie and everything. All right. All right. I'll do the talking. Excuse me. My name is Dr. Van Zimmer. I'm from Plumco Laboratories. Well, pleased to meet you, Mr. Van Zimmer. I'm Elmer Corn. This here's my friend Cecil Therrens. Howdy. Sorry we smell like gasoline. We hadn't had time to wash up yet. Oh, quite all right. We understand that you've been having a rat problem here. Well, uh, well, we did, sir. That was an understatement. We was knee-deep in the ugly things. But I think we got him under control. Oh, good. That is excellent. You see, Mr. Corn, unfortunately, Plumco is responsible for the rodents. Oh, yeah? How? We at Plumco test the effects of various chemicals on laboratory rats. Oh. For instance, cosmetics, bathroom cleansers, et cetera. Yeah. And then for a fee, we send the lab results to various corporations. Well, uh, what's that got to do with our rat problem? You see, Plumco purchased a few acres of land here in Biloxi about five years ago. Oh. We've been using this land to bury dead laboratory rodents. Oh, yeah. Yet that was Bernie Edward's place, wouldn't it? He sold that place to pay off the loan he took out on his farm. That is correct. We believe that over the years, a few rats were buried alive by mistake. Oh. We've studied the specimens, and we think the surviving rats mated with moles. Mated with moles? Yes. Moles are rodent-like creatures that dig under the ground. Yes, sir. I know what moles are. I ain't as stupid as I look. But, uh, I mean, you're trying to tell me them things were mole rats? It's worse than that, I am afraid. The chemicals we used on them have mutated their growth glands. Oh. So what you have here are basically giant mutant mole rats. Gemini. Giant, you say? Yes, that is correct. Uh, just how big do they get? Well, that is hard to say. We have studied one specimen that weighs over 250 pounds. Great gobs of mercy, he said. Well, listen, Mr. Van Zimmer, I think we killed off most of them. Oh, and we are very, very grateful, Mr. Korn. You have saved Plymko from a lot of paperwork. Oh, and the lab will pay for all damages and expenses, too. Oh, that's a relief, Mr. Van Zimmer. Say, did you hear that, Bernie? Yeah. The gasoline's paid for. All right, Elmer. It looks like you're gonna get a new house, Cecil. Well, I'll be dead gone. Well, I'll tell you, Mr. Van Zimmer, it takes a big man to admit he's made a mistake. And it takes a very big company to pay for the mistake, too. Oh. Good heavens. Uh-oh. What is this? Oh, my goodness, not another tremor. Does this tremor thing happen often? Well, the last time this happened, Mr. Van Zimmer, I fell through a hole in the ground. Elmer! Elmer, look over there! Look! What is it, Cecil? Look at it, Elmer, look! Huh! Holy moly, he exclaimed. Look at the size of that thing crawling out of the ground. That is a big rat. Big as a double-wide trailer. Whoa! Whoa! Elmer, what are we gonna do? I don't know, Cecil. I'm busy peeing on myself at the moment. Say, Cecil, run to the back of my house. There's a junk pile back there. Get me a piece of thin pipe about an inch and a half in diameter. Hurry! An inch and a half. An inch and a half in diameter. Be right back. Say, Bernie, you got any gasoline left in one of them trucks? We got about half a tank, love. Oh, good. Here you go, Elmer. Thank you, Cecil, thank you. What are you going to do, Mr. Corn? Well, Mr. Van Zimmer, I figure if I can attach this piece of pipe to the end of this gas line, and I could jab it into the side of that rat, we could pump that sucker full of gasoline, like intravenously. I see. Yes, I think I see what you mean. Then a spark or something, we could blow that sucker up. Oh, I see. I know this sounds crazy, but I'm playing this whole thing by ear, you understand. Well, it sounds like a very good idea, Mr. Corn. Thank you. But how are you going to pierce the side of the rat without it eating you first? Well, it's kind of dangerous, Mr. Van Zimmer, but if someone could distract the rat, I could sneak up on it and shove this thing into the side of it. Don't look at me, Elmer! Well, somebody's got to distract it. Mr. Corn, I am partially responsible for this. I would distract the rat. Well, that's very admirable and brave, Mr. Van Zimmer, but you're going to have to be careful. You're going to have to keep a good distance away from that thing, stick your tongue at it, scream at it, get it interested in you, and I'll run up on it as quick as I can and jab that thing into it. All right, all right. Are you ready? I'm ready if you are. All right, let's go, let's go! All right. Hey, rat! Hey, rat! Over here! Yeah. Over here, rat! Good! Good, Mr. Van Zimmer, good! The rat sees you, keep it up! Cecil, Cecil, go into my bedroom closet. I've got some bottle rockets from last New Year's. Bring them here, okay? Okay! All right, okay, Mr. Van Zimmer, keep distracting him. I'm fixing to shove this pipe into him. All right, you foul-smelling rodent, take this! Yeah! Yeah! Woohoo! I did it, Mr. Van Zimmer! I got the pipe into him! Run! Run like hell! Get out of the way! Wait a minute! Look out, Mr. Van Zimmer, it's behind you! Oh, no! Let go of that man! Let go of him, you creature! Oh, oh, no! It's eaten him! Oh, the inhumanity of him! Let's don't waste no more time, fellas. Bernie, start pumping gas into that thing. Okay! The fuel truck began pumping 250 gallons of gasoline into the mutant rat as it dined on the remains of Mr. Van Zimmer. When the truck was exhausted of its fuel, the pumps were shut down, and the bloated rodent began crawling sluggishly towards them. Mr. Corn carefully aimed a bottle rocket at the mouth of the creature and lit the fuse. All right, everybody stand back. This thing is fixing to launch. Be sure to aim at the mouth, Hammer. Good idea, Cecil. All right, everybody duck. This is livin' to be a big bang. Look out! It's gonna start raining guns! Oh, no! It's our... Red innards! Gross, Elmer! Disgusting! Gross! Let's take cover, boys! Everybody in my house! Okay! Later, in the backyard of Ms. Maddox's house, a touching memorial was taking place. We're all gathered here today to pay our final respects to our dearly departed Fluffy the Cat. He was a fine cat, Elmer. Just a fine one. He certainly was, Ms. Maddox. A dear kitty. Fluffy, white, and cute as a bug. He'd come up against you and rub and go to sleep in your lap and purr. I'll always remember Fluffy, and I know if there's a heaven for cats, well, he's up there, and he's chasing rats, and this time I'll bet he's winning. And I think while we're at it, we should also mention Dr. Van Zimmer, that fella from that laboratory that helped save Biloxi from a giant rat. He gave his life. I don't know. I didn't know either one of them very well, Fluffy or Dr. Van Zimmer, but I know one thing. I'm never gonna forget him. Never. That was real touching, Elmer. Real touching. Oh yes. That was touching, wasn't it? And now they're rid of their rat problem. If only I could say the same for this creepy place. The morgue is just filled with little beasts. Fortunately, I've set traps. Oh, there goes one now. It looks like I'll have dessert tonight. Oh, that was a disgusting joke. I'm so sorry. Oh, oh please don't leave now. I didn't mean to offend you. Well, if you must go, do return though, won't you? Until then, pleasant dreams. You have just heard Chet Chetters' Tales from the Morgue. Today's installment, Elmer vs. the Mutant Mole Rats. The names and characters portrayed in this production are fictitious. Any similarities to actual persons, that includes mutant mole rats, is purely coincidental. A production by M&J Audio Theater. Or correspondence, sent to M&J Audio Theater. 923 East Main, Mejia, Texas. Mejia spelled M-E-X-I-A. The zip is 76667.
