M&J Audio Theater presents Chet Chetters, Tales from the Morgue. Chet Chetters Well, come right in my friend. Have a seat. Welcome to my damp little piece of heaven. I am Chet Chetter, the Morgue attendant and resident storyteller. You've caught me in a nostalgic mood today. I was remembering back to the golden age of radio. The days before television and computer games. The days when the radio was the nucleus of family entertainment. The sound was a bit crude. There was a great deal of static, but oh it didn't matter. We would gather around the entire family and listen to stories. There were soap operas and dramas and comedies. And my favorite of all, the scary stories. Tales of suspense and murder. They catered to your deepest fears. And they sounded something like this. Ladies and gentlemen, the stories you are about to hear contain images of pure terror. Therefore we warn you, if you or anyone in your family has a weak heart or bad nerves, please turn off your radio now. The makers of this program will not be held responsible for anyone who dies of fright or goes insane. Remember, you have been warned. Turn out your lights. Mark all your doors and windows. Listen, do you hear that? It is the beating of your own heart. Beating harder and harder and harder in anticipation of the horror that is about to take place. You can feel it all around you. It is a dark, black, hideous cloud of dread. You're paralyzed with fear there's no escape from... Terror Theater! Today's story of fright. Revenge of the prospective bias. I hope you enjoy our little tale for today. It's too late to turn back now. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. You heard right ma'am. That's right. $100 an acre, yes ma'am. Yes ma'am, I know it's cheap, but it's darn good land ma'am. Well, see ma'am, the IRS says I gotta sell off my land, yes ma'am. I got so busy tending to my crops that I forgot to pay my taxes for three years and it kind of builds up, you know. Yes ma'am, but you say you're gonna come over tomorrow at seven o'clock? That's fine ma'am, just fine. You come on over then, bring your hubby, I'll show you around. Okay ma'am, see you then. Yeah, yeah, you just come on down. Old Jody will show you all around. And then Jody's gonna show you something else. Jody Brown, a simple man, a proud farmer who finds his livelihood in jeopardy. But Jody has a plan to save his precious land. It is an evil plan that will ensure Jody Brown a place in hell. Well, there she is, 35 acres. Oh, it's so beautiful. Gorgeous, Hunter. And look at those trees, aren't those Scottish pines? Oh, that's right on the money, mister. I like a man that knows his trees. You see them birds up in them trees there? They're my grackles. You fry them up just right and they're dandy tasty. They taste a little like chicken. But does the house come with the land, sir? My house? Yes ma'am, yes ma'am, the house comes with the land. Yes ma'am, yes ma'am. There's something I wanted to show you folks. Watch what I can do with this shovel here. Now you've got some dandy fertile land here. Watch how easy this shovel breaks up this ground. Watch here. Oh. Well if that isn't the cat's meow, honey. I say. You plant you some corn and a big vegetable garden and you can live off this land. I've been doing it myself for 40 years. Oh honey, oh honey, I want the land. I want the house right now. Now there's one more thing I want to show you before we finalize the deal, okay? Yes. I want you to take a gander straight ahead there past that hill. Uh huh. Now the sun sets about this time every evening and I tell you it's more beautiful than a picture postcard. Now just look straight ahead there, you see it? Well I'll be. That is one pretty sunset, honey. Oh it's just gorgeous. By God himself. Now that's right. You just look straight ahead and just look at that sunset. Just drink it all in. Darling, it's so pretty. That's right. I just can't stop looking at it. Oh wow, it's just so pretty. Oh ain't that a pretty sunset. Oh honey. Don't you like it mister? Isn't that a pretty sunset? It's the last one you'll ever gaze upon. Actually, I thought I was going to give my land away for $100 an acre. Darn woman, even one in my house. Well, I guess it's time to get you two in the ground. Hey, get in that hole. I'll just cover you up here. Out of sight, out of mind, I always say. And then I'll just dump your car in the swamp when I'm through. I hope they'll keep coming. The taxman made me put that head in the paper. They're going to keep coming, but I'll be ready for them. I've got plenty of room for them. Yeah, yeah, when the taxman comes I'll just say, no sir. Nobody's come to look at this land. No sir. And then you'll get discouraged and give me my land back to me. Yeah. And if you don't, there's plenty of room for him here too. I've got room for them all. Because nobody's taking my land away. This land is part of me. Nobody's taking me off of it. Nobody. Day by day, Jody carried out his demented plan. Right over there is where you can raise you some cattle. Day by day. The land's perfect. I'll take it. Take this instead. Week by week. Oh, listen to the birdies twine. Listen to this shoveling into your skull. The death toll continued for one month until one fateful night. When Jody, asleep in his bed, dreaming peacefully, heard a noise. What's that? What's that sound? What's that sound? Sounds like something crawling out of the ground. Now, now don't come unwound, Jody. It's just a gopher. Yeah, a bunch of gopher. That's all it is. Just gopher. Just go back to... Huh? Someone's at the door. Who is it? Who is it? Let us in, Jody. Now, now, now you, you get out and away from here, you hear? This is private property. Private property. You get out of here. We're coming in, Jody. No. No. No. No. Oh, you can't be here. I killed you. I killed you all. I buried you in the ground. No. We'll take the land, Jody. We'll take the land. No. No. No. You stay away from me now. You stay away from me. You ain't gonna take me off my land. Don't worry, Jody. We won't take you off your land. Stay away. It's like you said. This land is part of you now. You're gonna be part of it. No. No. Stay away from me. Stay away from me. No. I appreciate your coming out here with me, sir. We told Mr. Brown if he didn't have his property sold by the end of the month, we would have to take control of the land. He may refuse to leave. Well, it doesn't appear to be in the house. It might be in the barn. Hey, Mr. Brown. It's the sheriff out here. Buncha get your body on out here, boy. We need to talk to you right now. Sheriff. Sheriff. Look. Look over here. Over here behind the house. What in the world? It's a big mound of dirt. Yes. Yes. And there's footsteps leading up to it. And look what's on top of the mound. It's a sign. It says, this property has been sold. Oh my God. Sheriff, look. Sticking out the top of the mound. It's a human hand. Poor Jody found out just how fertile his land was, didn't he? Why, just plant a few dead bodies and they sprout right up. Well now, our next excursion into fear is about a very nervous man named Arnold Craig. We begin inside the room of a psychiatric hospital. Mr. Craig is lying on a couch. He appears to be at wit's end. Listen, I am not crazy, doctor. I'm not. I may be having a nervous breakdown. I'll give you that. But I'm not insane. I will not lie here and have you condescend to me like I'm some sort of child who thinks he's seen the boogeyman. Mr. Craig, I am here to help you. You just calm down. Maybe we can talk about this thing when I show up. You want to help me? You want to help me and give me a gun so I can blow my brains out? Let me end it now before they find me. Who is they, Mr. Craig? The cars. The cars. They won't rest until I'm dead. Cars, you say? You're talking about automobiles? Yes. Yes, they hate me. They hate me because they know I hate them. Don't look at me that way, doctor. Now calm down. Calm down. Everything's going to be alright. Oh, shut up. Shut up. I know what you must be thinking. I know what you must be writing on that pad of yours. Your schizophrenia, probably. But I'll tell you my story, doctor. I'll tell you. You're probably too simple to see it other than the ravings of a madman, but I'll tell you if only to purge my soul of this terror. Remember, Mr. Craig, it is a 50-minute session. Shut up. I'll take as much time as I please. It won't matter in the end anyway. For 12 years, doctor, I have worked in an auto junkyard. My job was operating a machine that compacts the cars into a small cube. It was a perfect job for me, you see, because I've always hated cars. I hated the way they sounded, the way they polluted the air, the grating sound of the horns. You can understand my intense pleasure when I would start the compacting machine and watch as the cars collapsed under the intense hydraulic pressure. I was thrilled by the sound of a car being crushed, the sound of steel buckling under intense pressure. It was like there was screaming in pain. Oh, how I loved that sound. Die. Die. See, Craig, you really love this job, don't you? Oh, yes, sir. I love it. I love it. I hate cars and I want to destroy them all. You're a weird man, Craig, but you're a hard worker. I'll see you back here tomorrow morning. Oh, is it closing time already? How time flies when you're having fun. It was only two days ago, doctor. Funny how little time it takes for things to go completely haywire. It was a beautiful afternoon. I was riding home from work on my bicycle the way I had done for 12 years. I went by the park as I enjoyed doing on beautiful days like that. It was the picture of serenity. Then, then behind me, I heard a car engine. Now, doctor, I always stay on the shoulder of the road away from traffic, but this car was right behind me. I looked over my shoulder and there was a blue station wagon directly behind me. The driver had a puzzled look on his face. I yelled at him. Now, see here, you moronic ghost. Why are you following me? Why don't you take that thing and drive it off a cliff? Suddenly, the car accelerated. The bumper met with my back wheel. It was trying to run me over, doctor. It blew its horn as if in anger. I had to think fast, so I pedaled as fast as I could into the park, but the car stayed behind me. People were rotting in fear. I began to lose control of my bike. I fell to the ground behind a tree and the car smashed into it. That tree, that tree saved my life, doctor. The man inside the car looked dazed. He had a small bump on his forehead, but otherwise he was unharmed. He got out of the car and rushed over to me. Hey, mister, mister. Say, are you alright? Are you okay? Why? Why did you try to run over me? I didn't, mister. I swear. I didn't even have control of the car. I didn't even touch the wheel. What do you mean you didn't have control of the car? I went into the park and you followed me. The car followed you by itself, mister. I swear. It followed you like a magnet. I couldn't control it. It was like it had a mind of its own. Like it had a mind of its own? Yes. Yes, exactly. Think me insane if you wish, doctor, but at that precise moment I knew what had happened. The car was trying to kill me. Somehow it sensed my hatred for cars and considered me an enemy to be destroyed. Impossible? Yes. Insane perhaps, but it's true, doctor. True. Despite that horrible realization, I managed to fall asleep that night, but my slumber was short-lived. It was about midnight when a peculiar sound awakened me. What's that? What's that outside? Sounds like car engines. Those lights shining through the window. Dear heavens, out there, surrounding the house. Cars! And they're empty. No one's inside the cars. They're waiting for me. Want me to come out? Want me to come outside so they can... well, they'll have a long wait. You hear me? You hear me? I'm not coming out. You'll run out of gas before I come out. You think I'm a murderer, don't you? Yes, Arnold Craig, murderer of cars. That's me. Well, go away. Go away, do you hear me? Go away! But they didn't go away, doctor. Simultaneously, they blew their horns. The windows of my house shattered. And then I... I passed out cold. It's horrible to contemplate the possibilities of reality, doctor. The terror and hopelessness overwhelmed me like a criminal walking to his execution. But unlike a criminal walking to the electric chair, I could defend, I could fight, I could resist. I had a gun and with it I could blow out every tire on every car that threatened my existence. In my front yard there was silence, no cars in sight. So I waited all day. The sun set. All night I stood, nothing. Days passed and I stood with my gun routinely rotating in all directions, ready for the moment when they would attack. But after five days I began to give up. It seemed the cars were gone for good. I'm free. I'm free. Surely they would have attacked me by now. Oh, thank God I'm rid of this life-threatening nuisance. Then I heard a car from the distance. I ran into the street and saw a car at what looked like half a mile away. It was speeding at me at an incredible rate. I aimed the gun, waiting for the car to get close enough so I could open fire. And when it did, I didn't hold back. Die! Demons of Hell! Die! Die! Die! But I missed the tires. I was directly in its path. I only had time to jump in the air in hopes of avoiding death. But after standing for five days, my jumping abilities were severely limited. I crashed through the windshield in an astonishing 60 miles an hour. I began firing bullets into the dashboard. Surely this would disable the filthy good-for-nothing car. And trust to my disadvantage, it did. It swerved out of control and smashed into the base of the town water tower, causing it to plummet on top of both of us. After five months of reconstructive surgery, I was out of the hospital and thirsty for revenge. Welcome to Big City Hardware. How may I... Don't be alarmed by this sack over my head, lady. I don't want the cars to recognize me. Give me a sledgehammer, quickly. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. That's a very nice sack you have, sir. Here you go, sir. Please don't hurt me. I'm not going to hurt you, lady. But you have to understand, every automobile must be destroyed. Yes. Here's your money. Thank you, lady. Yes. Mr. McKenzie. Mr. McKenzie. Yes, Linda. Lunatic. Lunatic outside with a sledgehammer. Look, he's smashing my car. I'll call the police right now. Die! Die! I'll kill you all! Kill you all! Hey, what's going on, man? Die, you foul beast! Die! If you flip your gourd, man, that's my car. Give me that thing. Release me, you fool! I have to destroy them all. There's millions and I haven't much time. What did my car do to you, man? It would try to kill me. Sooner or later they would all try to kill me. And they're not cars, my young man. They're beasts. They're animals. Demons with gasoline for blood. And I must destroy them all! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die. Die. Yes. Yes, I suppose I did look like a maniac, doctor. I suppose to the entrained eye I'd look like a sledgehammer welding madman. I tried to explain to the policemen when they arrived what I was doing, but well, here I am. So, you've heard my story. What do you think, doctor? Well, Mr. Craig, I'm afraid I'm going to have to have you committed probably for the rest of your life if you show no sign of improvement. Yes. Yes, I thought you would say that. But you see, that would be very dangerous for you, doctor. Because they'll find me sooner or later. And when they do, they'll... There. There, do you hear that, doctor? Do you hear that? It didn't take them long to find me, did it? Mr. Craig, I... Well, there does seem to be a car out there by the window revving its engine, and goodness, there is no driver. Yes. Yes, they found me. They found me. Hello? Okay. Okay. I'm ready. I'm ready for you. Come on. Come on! Mr. Craig. Take me! Take me! Take me! Mr. Craig, do not antagonize the car. I will call security at once. That'll do no good, doctor. No good. It's backing up. It's coming forward. Yes. Come on! It's heading for the window. Come on! Come on! Well, it looks like Mr. Craig's psychiatrist has known that what seems like obsessions and delusions can in fact bring a quick and merciless death. But on the bright side, Mr. Craig was put out of his misery. Well, there you are. Two spine-chilling excursions into fear. It's too bad that storytelling has evolved into high-tech special effects, nudity, and mindless violence. So often I hark back to the days of old-time radio when the imagination was the special effects department. Oh well. The price we must pay for progress. I see you're ready to go. Well, please keep me in mind. I have many more stories to tell. Until next time, pleasant dreams. You have just heard Chet Chetters' Tales from the Morgue. Today's installment, Excursions in Fear. The names and characters portrayed in this production are fictitious, and the similarities with actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. A production by M&J Audio Theater. For correspondence, send to M&J Audio Theater, 923 East Main, Mejia, spelled M-E-X-I-A, Texas, 76667.
