M&J Audio Theater presents Ched Chedders Tales from the Morgue. Come in my friend. Yes, yes just wait on through. I'm so sorry about the water on the floor. Those rusty old times finally burst. Of course it was only a matter of time. Oh, oh please have a seat. I am Ched Chedder, the Morgue Attendant. I know, why don't I tell you a story of why we wait for the plumber. Okay, well today we return to the peaceful community of Bilux. It is a little after midnight and everyone is fast asleep. No one sees the small rectangular metal object that streaks across the night sky and lands near Miller's pond. Rejoice my brothers, we have safely reached the new planet Earth. Now at long last we can directly observe these fascinating humans in their natural surroundings. Wise one, I beg forgiveness but I feel I must voice my inner conflict about this mission. I believe the humans are an ill mannered and very hostile race. Our presence on this planet will not be welcomed. Speak to me not of your inner conflicts Belknap. You have spoken of nothing else since we have departed the home planet of Barnak. Observation is the key to learning and growing as a better race. You would do well to remember that. The Ambassador is in agreement with me. Oh yes, yes Wise one, yes most assuredly. I have observed Earth television programs. Yes, I have received them by satellite waves. Oh they seem to be a perfectly delightful race of humans. Yes, so friendly won't you be my neighbor. I'll come back now you hear. Oh delightful creatures, yes most delightful. Yes, yes your enthusiasm is appreciated Ambassador but do try to control your eagerness. Perhaps we will make contact with the humans before we return to Barnak. But for now our mission is to observe them, to study their habits and learn what motivates them mentally. Perhaps instead Wise one we could capture one of the humans and take him aboard our ship. We could then dissect the creatures brain. Belknap foolish one have you not heard a thing that I have said. How could we ever possibly hope to gain the humans trust if we dissected one of their kind. Now anger me not again Belknap I warn you. Let us exit this vessel. I wish to explore the outside terrain. We seem to have landed near a water reservoir of some sort. Yes, it is surrounded by many trees. It is called a forest Wise one. Yes the humans live in a forest as well except that they make houses out of the trees and they call it a city. Wise one, Wise one look it is one of our own kind. It is a Barnakian. Yes it possesses the same features as we do. The fur covering the body, the flat tail, the sharp teeth. It is eating the outer surface of that tree. If the tree is going to fall. This is most peculiar. Attention Barnakian when did you arrive? Identify yourself. Wise one, Wise one I have identified the creature with the analyzer. It is not a Barnakian. It originates from this planet. It is called a Beaver. Beaver? Yes, yes it has a very low intelligence. It cannot speak you see. But this is most puzzling. I recall a human television program in which a small human child was referred to as the Beaver. But it looked nothing like this creature. Beavers, fascinating. Notice Ambassador how the Beaver is constructing a crude dwelling from the limbs of that tree. We will do the same and conceal our ship. We do not want to arouse suspicion. When the morning sun rises, Ambassador you and Belknap will enter the city. You will observe the humans closely but you will not make contact. I will inform you when it is time for that. It is fortunate that we so closely resemble these Beaver creatures. Now you can make your observations but without being detected as visitors. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. That is a knee slapper. Yeah. Oh, Caesar you ought to be bored for the simple. Oh, Helmer. You mean to tell me you actually ridged your motorcycle on the high school running track during the middle of a track meet? I sure did. Coach Abernathy turned about twenty shades of red and chased me all over the track waving that there track baton at me. Oh boy, that is precious. I ought to give him my right foot to have seen that. Say, looky there, Helmer. There are two Beavers walking down Main Street on their hind legs. Now, Caesar, Beavers do not walk on two legs like that. They are probably little and dressed up in costumes. You know, mascots for the Biloxi Beavers football team. Yeah. Hey, hey little feller. Hey. Hey, good costume boy. Yeah, like your costume over there, fellers. Why, why are those wretched humans shouting at us? Silence, Belknap. We are not to speak in the presence of the humans. It lets us communicate with our minds. The humans ought to think we are Beavers until we make contact with them. Very well, Ambassador. But I still believe this mission is foolish. Belknap, observe that building with the words, Police Station printed on the side of it. I know these words. The friendly policeman. His job to protect and serve true men in blue. Ambassador, you watch entirely too much human television. Oh, look, look, Belknap. See the two humans in front of the building? The large one is the sheriff. He is a symbol of great authority. Yes, yes. And the undernourished human is the deputy. He carries a single bullet in his pocket. I do not understand a single word you are... Oh, oh, oh, they are speaking. Oh, oh, I must get closer so that I may hear them. Approach with caution, Ambassador. Yes, yes, yes. I understand, I understand. ...dead blame it. Dog gone it rolling. We got the only dead blame police station surrounded by potted daisies. Now, how are we going to be a symbol of menace to the underbelly of society with them things in front of the place? I'm sissified looking. Now, Sheriff, there ain't no reason why we can't party up the place a little bit. Hey, Sheriff, you going to go to the town meeting tonight? Mayor says the local economy is in bad shape. Yeah. Pot holes need filling. And we need to hire someone to sandblast that bird stuff off in the statue of Antonio Biloxi. I know all about it, Roland. I don't know. I might make the meeting. What are you spraying on that... them daisies anyhow? Oh, oh, oh, well, this here's called Pest-A-Way. Yeah, it keeps the aminals off the daisies. Yeah, it smells good to humans, but to an aminal, it stinks to the high heavens. Oh, oh. Oh, good Lord. Here comes Ernie Potteldinger. What's that weasely old hick want? I tell you, dead blame it, Sheriff. Dog gone it. I'm a tax-paying citizen and I want something done. What is it, Ernie? Them beavers are back again, Sheriff. Oh, Lord. Every knock, knee, year, it's the same thing. Them river rats dam up Miller's pond and cut off the water supply. Uh-huh. And I irrigate my crops with that water, Sheriff. I know, Ernie. And you're the only one that irrigates his crops with the Miller pond water. Now, you want them beavers got rid of you, get rid of them yourself. Oh, well, you're leaving it to me, are you? Right. Is that what you're saying or has I misunderstood you? That's exactly what I'm saying, Ernie. Do it yourself. All right, dead nabbit. I'll get some dynamite and blow them beaver dams in the toothpick. You do that, Ernie. Don't blow your head off while you're doing it. I'm telling you, it's a sorry world we're living in, but you can't depend on the dead blame for me. Can you feature that guy, Roland? Yeah, he does like to flap his gums on his share. That's another statement. Well, dadgum, speak of the devil, there's a beaver right there. I sure don't want them mangy things around here. I'll give him a dose of this here pestilence. Well, now, hold on, Roland. Here, take that, you river weasel. Yeah, that got him going. Well, Roland, that was kind of cruel. I've never seen a beaver walk on two legs like that before. Belknap, Belknap, the human attacked me with a foul-smelling fluid. The human attacked you? It is just as I have always said. The humans are tyrants, all of them, attacking you without provocation. I am going to vaporize that human with a proton ray. No, no, no, Belknap, no violence, no violence. Let us return to our ship. I wish to remove this foul-smelling fluid from my fur. Very well. We will return to the ship, and I will inform the wise one what has happened here. Perhaps then he will agree that these humans should be dissected. If I could get hard, what I could do, I could get plums spit by. Can't tell any of you ricks if I never fed eyes on another one of them books. Who flat-tailed River Weasel that will be right now too soon. I'll just complain. And blame Beaver. Come on, this complaining has gone on long enough. You've got to watch those arteries. If yours are going to bust one, I'll make you keep this up. Well, I know it, Rex, but it just sets my blood to boiling. Cutting off the trench to my land, my sorghum is going to dry up now. I'm sorry to drag you into this, but I knew you'd see back those explosives from the water. Well, I think it's a good time to use them. Pyrotechnics, Rex, they used to call me. Is that right? Say, Ernie, what are these Beavers going to do when they don't have no home to go to? Well, I don't give a flying flip what they do, Rex. All I'm interested in is blowing them Beavers' damn sky high. That's blaming, I don't care if they go to Mars and live. Contain your anger, Belknap. You say the deputy human attacked the ambassador with a fluid? Yes, Wise One. What sort of fluid, Ambassador, were you harmed? No, Wise One, no, I was not harmed. The fluid had an overwhelming stench. Oh yes, an odor most foul, yes. But I submerged myself in the pond and washed the fluid off. Yes, the smell is gone now, yes. Yes, yes, the smell is, for the most part, gone. Wise One, are you not enraged by what the human has done? The ambassador did nothing to provoke the attack. This is true? You did not speak to the human, Ambassador? Oh, no, no, no, Wise One. I did exactly as you instructed. Yes, I merely observed the earth beings. Perhaps I got a little too close. But your plan worked, Wise One. The humans thought we were beavers. Yes, perhaps beavers are considered pests by the humans. Yes, that is logical. If that is the case, the deputy sprayed you with the fluid to repel you, Ambassador. Well, it most assuredly repelled me, yes, Wise One, yes. Yes, yes, it is obvious to me that beavers are unwelcomed in the city. That is unfortunate. How can we observe humans if we cannot enter the city? Perhaps, Wise One, perhaps it is time to reveal ourselves to the humans, to communicate with them verbally. Yes, perhaps it is time to make contact, Ambassador. But Wise One, if the humans dislike beavers, imagine what they will do when they discover that we are from another planet. There is no logic in what you are saying, Belknap. There is a vast difference between an aquatic, unintelligent beast and a highly advanced race of intelligent beings. The humans will greet us with kindness when we tell them who we are. Oh, yes, yes, they certainly will. Oh, yes, remember the movie, the human movie that inspired us to visit the planet Earth, those five lovely notes? Oh, yes. Oh, no, not this again. This is foolish. Woo-hoo! That's the time, Reds. You blowed that beaver down in the splinters yesterday. Look, look at that. There's something sitting right there. Well, would you look at that. It's some sort of rectangular metal object. It was sitting underneath that beaver down. See, Red? Wonder, Rick, how much the scrap yard will give us for this. Hey, Ernie, don't be such a backwards hick. A hick? Goodness, that looks like a spaceship, some kind of UFO or something. Do you reckon? I'm going to Sheriff McElroy right now. Oh, the sheriff? All right, then, blame it. But if the Gazette writes a story about this, we get full credit. What damage has our ship sustained, Ambassador? Only structural damage, Wise One. It can be repaired. That was the final blow. The humans tried to destroy our ship with explosives, tyrants. No, no, Belknap. The humans thought it was a beaver dam. You heard them. Yes, I heard them. They have discovered our ship and they are going to inform the sheriff. You are correct, Wise One. Now is the time to make contact with the humans, but it will be my way. You have a proton weapon. Yes. Belknap, you know weapons are forbidden on this mission. Yes, I thought I might need it. It is time you both learned that this is not the friendly blue planet you envision. It is a planet of wars and social disorder. You see why you were watching the sitcoms. I was watching the news. The news? Yes. What are you planning to do, Belknap? I will return to the police headquarters and take human prisoners. I will decide later what to do with them. And you intend to do this alone? No, not alone. I am going to contact the home planet of Bornak. I warn you, Wise One, do not speak or contradict what I am about to say. I would regret having to use this weapon. Attention, Bornakian headquarters. This is Belknap reporting from the planet Earth. The humans have attacked us. The Wise One is ill and I have taken command. Our mission has changed. I will capture human prisoners to be punished for violent actions against us. Send others to aid and capture. Land at coordinates psi, lithu, rolac. That is all. You lied to them, Belknap. Bornak is a peaceful race. You are ruining everything. It is done, Wise One. There is nothing you can do to stop my mission now. Oh, no. I will warn them before they arrive. I will tell them that you lied to them. You will not, Wise One, with the communicator destroyed. Now, I must go. The others will begin arriving soon. And I have important matters to attend to. I warn you, do not follow me. Oh, this is terrible, Wise One. Just terrible. What will we do now? I know not, Ambassador. At this moment, I do not feel wise at all. Dan, go and I am late for work again. Sheriff is going to have my badge for breakfast. Ah, the deputy is getting into his automobile. Well, he is going to have an unexpected passenger. This is deputy Roland checking in. There is no need to break out the bloodhound, Sheriff. I am on my way. Dan, come in my rearview mirror. There is a fever in my back seat. Continue on your present course, human. Or I will melt your brain with a proton ray. A talking beaver. I am not a beaver. I am a superior being that merely resembles a beaver. Me and Rick have seen it with our own eyes, Sheriff. It was about a ten feet long metal box looking thing. And it was sitting right there in the pond just as pretty as you please. And quite cleverly disguised as a beaver dam, I might add. Uh-huh. Well, I wonder why someone would want to disguise a metal box like a beaver dam. Well, all right, boys. Quick is rolling to size to drag his lazy hind into work. We will go down there and check it out, all right? Already five minutes late. I am going to eat his badge for breakfast, quick as he can. What? What is that? What in the Sam Hill is making all that racket outside? Oh, poke my eyes out. Sheriff, look out the window. There's these things coming out of the sky. Then I'll be hornswoggled if and they don't look exactly like that metal gizmo we found at the pond. I was right. They are spaceships. Spaceships? Well, now come on, boys. Get a grip. It's probably some sort of fraternity hazing stunt or something. Well, there ain't a college town around for a hundred miles, Sheriff. Then I'll be a bug-eyed stammering fool. Them beavers coming out of them spaceships. Beavers? Well, now there's just so much silliness I can take. Here comes rolling in the squad car. I bound you this is all he is doing. First it's potted daisies and now this. Well, now here's a new twist on things, Sheriff. Here's another beaver getting out of that squad car with the deputy. It seems to be holding some kind of pistol to his head. I bet you that's a death ray. Death ray? You boys still believe in the Santa Claus, don't you? All right, I'm walking. I'm walking. Rolling? I'm sorry I'm late, Sheriff. I got held up. Literally. Now put your spindly arms down, rolling, and tell your honor guards to move along, would you? I mean fun's fun, but we can't have a bunch of pigmies dressed up in costumes watering outside the station. It ain't no joke, Sheriff. This look you see on my face is genuine Stark terror. The deputy speaks the truth. I am Belknop of the planet Boranak. Planet? Space beaver? I am not a beaver. I will vaporize the next human that says that. I am here to take prisoners to be dissected. The deputy comes with me. He has attacked my brother, the ambassador. I tell you, it was an accident. I thought he was a bea... you know... Silence. And both of you will come with me as well. You mean Rex and Ernie? Yes. They attempted to destroy our transport vessel with explosives. Well now, flag on that play. Ain't no galaxy-hoppin' woodchuck gonna dissect Ernie Pottel, dangit. Ain't nobody gonna dissect nobody. Now listen, little buddy, if this is a joke, it ain't funny. And if it ain't a joke, well it seems to me you're getting all lathered up over a simple misunderstanding. Now, lack it or not, you look just like a beaver. And all this stuff that's happened is happened because you were mistook for beavers. Now why don't you just simmer down and let's discuss this thing civil life. I warn you, Sheriff. This building is surrounded by Bornakians. They will come to my aid if I call for them. Well now you just call them off and hand me that ray gun. You dare to advance upon me, you wretched human. Very well, Sheriff. You desire immediate death, then I will comply with your wishes. No, no, don't shoot, the Sheriff. Oh my god. Boy. Oh heck. Heck, that don't hurt at all. What? No, sir, it's kind of tingly. Feels kind of good, you want to know the truth. I do not understand. It must be your genetic structure. The beam is not powerful enough to penetrate human flesh. Well now that's just a screamin' pity, ain't it, little feller? What? It's my duty to inform you that attacking a peace officer is a federal offense. I'm going to have to incarcerate them until we can get to the bottom of this. Unhand me, earth creature. I warn you. No, I'm warning you, buck tooth Rogers. Get into that cage. Assistance! Help me, my brothers! Attack them! Attack! Uh oh. Sheriff, Sheriff, them aliens outside are getting stirred up. They're trying to break down the door. Leave it to beavers to start a riot. Now they're trying to chew through the door, Sheriff. I told you we need to meddle in. Well don't stand there spinning, you vivid tooth Roland. Think of something. Go ahead and do it quick. What's coming through the window? Wait, wait, hold on a second. I got a can of that pressed away stuff in my desk drawer. That ought to hold them back. Here it is. Take that, you spade rat. It's working, Roland. Hey, look alive. What's coming through the hole in the door? I got it, Sheriff. There's three of them coming in through this hole, Pipe. I'm getting as fast as I can. This is getting monopolis. Yeah, I got an idea, y'all. Ernie, at the count of three, open up that door. When them beaver aliens start rushing in, Roland, you hit them with that pressed away thing, Rex. You and me will hurt them into the cave. You all ready? One, two, three, open the door. Here they come. Roland, hit them with that stuff. I'm getting scared. They're jumping there, Pipe. One shoot on my leg. Take that, you rug covered alien. It stinks on it, you little rug rat. I got them rounded up for you, Sheriff. That's the time, Roland. All right, Rex. Let's get them into the cave. Turn them in there. Get in there. Into the cave. Come on, man. Get in there. That's a way. Here we go. We did it, boys. We got them a tail full of beaver aliens. We're going to be the laughing stock of the policeman's ball when they catch wind of this. Hang on, Sheriff. Here comes two more of them. All right. Do I have to spray you? You're going to come along peacefully. Oh, no. No, not the flute again. Please. Please allow me to speak. I am the wise one of the planet Mornak, and this is my assistant, the ambassador. We come in peace. You come in peace? Well, you sure got to kill your way of showing it. Your compadres here have been downright antisocial. Oh, oh, dear. Have I arrived too late? Have humans been killed? Well, no. Nobody's dead when I'm trying to use a ray gun, but it didn't even raise a blister. Wise one. Wise one, the humans have imprisoned us. You deserve a fate much worse, Belknap. You attempted to exterminate a human. Wise one, I shot the sheriff. I did not shoot the deputy. And you are still alive to speak of it, Belknap. These humans have shown you immeasurable mercy. Tell me, who is the tyrant now? Perhaps, Wise one, perhaps I have reacted foolishly. Perhaps? You disappoint me greatly, my brothers. I beg forgiveness, sheriff. I lost control of my command. Yes, yes, we are normally a very peaceful race. Yes, very friendly, just like your favorite Martian and that funny creature from Ork. Yes, our desire was to learn from the human race. We find you immensely fascinating. But now our mission has been ruined. Sheriff, if you would release my brothers from imprisonment, I will see that they are properly punished for their actions. And we will never return to this planet again. Well, now hold the phone, boys. I don't think that's necessary. You know, the way I see it, this has all been just a big misunderstanding. And Lord, that happens all the time here on Earth. Started two wars because of misunderstandings. No, I got an idea. I was sitting here studying while all this was going on. Well, we need some funds for our community, real bad. And you folks want to study humans. I think maybe we can work something out. Two weeks later, a ribbon-cutting ceremony was about to take place. All right, boys, you understand what you're supposed to do now, don't you? Yes, Sheriff, we are to pretend we are beavers when the humans come to stare at us. Oh, we are going to pretend? What fun! That's right. Between the hours of 12 and 4, you bornakians become beavers. Now, there'll be people coming from all over to see beavers in action, so put on a good show for them, all right, boys? And while they're staring at you, well, you can observe them. Study their habits and their languages and such. This is what we humans call teamwork. We both benefit, you see. How wise you are, Sheriff. Oh, I just live clean, that's all. All right, boys, here they come. All right, remember now, don't talk. Beavers don't ordinarily converse. Hello, everybody. I thank you all for turning out for this special occasion. Hey, I'm Sheriff McElroy of the Biloxi Police Department, and it makes us darn proud to give you vacationing out-of-towners a chance to see a jinyine beaver in their natural habitat. And now, by cutting this here ribbon, I declare the Biloxi Beaver Sanctuary, formerly Miller's Pond, open for business. Yeah! Hmm, but you still believe these humans are tyrants? They'll not know, wise one. I no longer believe everything I see on the news. Hmm, but they are rather silly. Hmm, the humans are here. Observe, they'll not observe. Hey, leave me a three-fifty to come in here and tell you. Leave us, Beavers! Ra, ra, ra! Well, now, that was a pleasant story, wasn't it? Yes, I so enjoy when things work out in the end. Yes, unfortunately, things are not so good here. The water level is quite high now, and unlike a beaver, I'm not very aquatic. Yes, I'm afraid you should leave and return under drier conditions. Until next time, pleasant dreams. A production by M&J Audio Theater For correspondence, send to M&J Audio Theater, 923 East Main, Mejia, Texas. Mejia is spelled M-E-X-I-A. Our zip, 76667.
