M&J Audio Theater presents Chet Chetters Tales from the Morgue. Hello there. Never mind the water, just come right in, wade on through and have a seat. My name is Chet Chetter. I am the Morgue attendant and the licensed embalmer. Unfortunately I am not a plumber. You see our old rusty pipes just gave out on this last night so the floor is full of water. It looks like the rats could not adapt to their marine-like environment. Many of them have drowned, you know. Now, a story to tell, yes. Oh, it looks like one learned to swim. Survival of the fittest, you know. Yes, now, where was I? Ah, yes, yes, we're returning to Biloxi today. Mr. L. McCorn, that manure-hulling adventurer, is out in his backyard feeding the pigs. All right, all right, now look here, don't chew off each other's ears. There's plenty of rotten tomatoes for all of you. Look here now, don't wallow in that, you eat that. I swore to goodness, they say pigs is the cleanest animals around and I bound you they never seen the likes of you. Man, that, that whirly bird sounds close. Huh, can hardly be no closer, it's landing in my pasture. Look at the suits on the fellas coming out of that thing. Dressed to the nines, shiny brand new leather shoes. That tall one just stepped in a fresh cow paddy too. Howdy, fellas. Hello. Did you lose your way? Well, if intelligence is correct, this should be the home of Elmer Corn. Intelligence? Well, sir, you got it right, you found it. Did I win something? I'm afraid not, Mr. Corn. I represent the state of Otto J. Williamsburg. Perhaps you've heard of the name. Otto Williamsburg? Dogs, ain't that that multi-billionaire what bought that Florida amusement park wacky land and then just closed her down like a month later saying he was bored with it? Yes, Mr. Corn, you're correct. You see, I... Man, I heard his wife took half his fortune in a divorce suit. Yeah, what a chump. Please do not interrupt me, Mr. Corn. Sorry. The reason why I'm here is because Mr. Williamsburg wants to meet with you. With me? Jiminy? Why in the world... I'm not at liberty to discuss the details with you, Mr. Corn, but Mr. Williamsburg has a proposition for you, one that could make you a very rich man. It will all be explained to you when we arrive at the estate. Are you ready to go? Well, sir, I ain't one for taking off with a bunch of strangers, but, uh, well, dog, if you ain't got my curiosity around, and I always want to take a ride in a heliocopter, okay, sir, I'll do it. Let me go dust off some of this dirt and splash a little cologne on my face, and then we'll go. Let's try to get back before the wrestling match is on TV, though, if we can. Welcome to the Williamsburg estate, Mr. Corn. Thank you. I trust your flight was uneventful. Oh, it was dandy-fine, sir. My stomach took a little turn when we took off, but I managed to keep things down. Yes, yes, yes, quite, quite. This way, Mr. Corn. Sir Williamsburg is in the activity room. I hear gunshots. I didn't come at a bad time, did I? Oh, no, no, no. It is a shooting gallery, Mr. Corn. Sir enjoys a practice session before noontime tea. Oh, I'm... Begging your pardon, sir, your guest, Mr. L. McCorn, has arrived. Mercy's sake. Bullseye. Mr. Corn. Howdy. We meet at last. Come in, come in. Thank you, sir. That'll be all for now, Jarvis. Very good, sir. It might as well be a terrific shooting today, sir. How's the sakes? What a game room. I tell you, this sure beats the death of that old rickety pool table we got down at the city hall. Yes. Well, would you believe I'm bored of all this, Mr. Corn? I search for entertainment. And what do I find? Television. Television. Bah. I... Oh, damn it. Emotion pictures. Wallowing in sexual excess. Lord of mercy. I seek a human adventure, Mr. Corn. Oh. One with real life experiences. But I am too old. Too old. Now, that ain't necessary. Oh, good lord. What in the world are you shooting at? Um, ancient pottery vases from the Ming dynasty, I believe. Gemini. Mr. Corn, you wonder why I've asked you here. Well, yes, sir. I suspect it wasn't just to show off your shooting skills to me, was it? Yes, that is right, Mr. Corn. There is more to it than that. Very amusing, though. I enjoy reading small town publications, Mr. Corn. I came across an article in your Biloxi Gazette recently. Oh, sakes alive. You read about the mole ranch, didn't you? Oh, yes. You are quite the hero, Mr. Corn. Well... The peaceful village of Biloxi is overrun by giant mole rants. Yeah. El Mccorn rallies forth to rid the town of its plague. Those were mutant mole rants, too. You are a brave man, Mr. Corn. A man that rises to the occasion when trouble is at hand. Which is exactly why I have chosen you. Uh-oh. Chosen me for what? To find something. Something I have spent my youth and millions of dollars to search for. Which is? The Book of Absolute Truth. Book of Absolute Truth, you say? Yes. It is a book or a scroll or perhaps a tablet. But I believe it exists, Mr. Corn. It contains the answers to all of the questions man has asked in the past and will ever ask in the future. Oh, I get you. Like would it tell how they make styrofoam and how they put the cheese in them cans? No, no, no. I'm talking about secrets of the universe, Mr. Corn. The answers to the mysteries of life. Have you ever wondered what happens after you die? After you die? Well, yes, sir. I try not to dwell on it, though. The answer would be in the Book of Absolute Truth. Huh. Well, who do you reckon wrote such a thing? Legend has it the author is God. Oh. I almost figured that out myself. Listen, sir, Mr. Williamsburg, despite what the Biloxi Gazette says, I ain't no Arizona Jones. You scrape away all the hometown hero junk and you just got a manure hauler from Biloxi. I would go myself, Mr. Corn, but you see, these feeble legs of mine barely carry me across the hallway. If you would retrieve the book for me, I will pay you a quarter of a million dollars. Huh. That is, even if you do not succeed, sound reasonable. Oh, boy. A quarter of a million? I could pay off my mortgage. Have a little bit left over. I would imagine you would have quite a bit left over, Mr. Corn. You'd be a fool to pass up this offer. Yeah, I guess I'd kick myself if I didn't do it. I guess when you hold that hefty chunk of change over my head like that, Mr. Williamsburg, I can't say nothing but okay. Excellent. Excellent. Your plane leaves at five tomorrow morning, Mr. Corn. It will drop you off in a small country near India called Kashtar. I believe I have traced the book to this location. You will find an old cafe called Idea. The manager's name is Achmat. He will give you the leads to go on. Have a safe journey, Mr. Corn, and may you find adventure. So, this is Kashtar. Well, it's a busy little community. I wonder what this sign up, nailed up to this tree, says. Beware, outsider. Asha is watching you. Cursed be those who anger him. Huh. I guess this Asha fella is the local sheriff. Hey! Hey, there's what I'm looking for. Cafe Idea. Supposed to ask for a fella named Achmat. Now keep that in mind. Achmat. Achmat. Achmat. Well, it's a hopping little journey. Huh. I might order me up a drink while I'm here. I've always wanted to try one of them zombies. Hey! Hey, you! You with the pale face! Me? What's the matter? Are you lost or something? Uh, no sir. I just come here to... Why you come here? You come to get nice tattoo, pale face. No sir. You want I take this knife and carve your name on your chest? Whoa, whoa Nellie, no. No sir, I'm a bleeder. I want it quiet in here. Don't stop things on my account. I just... Look who come in to join party. Pell wants say he no want I give him tattoo. It is no good to give me offense, Pell one. Sabu offend me one time. Tell him what happened, Sabu. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, I forget. Sabu no longer can talk since he lose his tongue to my knife. Now look sir, I don't want to scuffle with you. Jiminy. I would be leaving this man alone, big and stupid one. Or the next bullet will be penetrating your head most severely. All right. I will leave. But we may meet again, Pell one. And you will not be so lucky next time, eh? Lord, if you ain't having sensor. Thanks. I'm much obliged. Oh no. That man was going to cut an archie in me with that butcher knife. Oh, fool. He was only trying to frighten you. He succeeded. I am Archman. At your service, my friend. Archman. Well, please meet your acquaintance, Archman. I'm Elmer Corn. Mr. Williamsburg informed me that you would be arriving today. You are seeking the Book of Absolute Truth, right? Well, yes sir, he is. I'm sent to look for it for him. But just between me and you and the lamp post, I'm not so sure this book exists. Oh yes, yes, the book does exist, my friend. And there are many dangers in finding it. You see, Asha, the God of Truth, looks over the book. He guards it well. Many have searched for the book, but none have lived to speak of it. Only the hermit knows where the book exists. You must ask him. He lives at the bottom of Canyon of Death. You must be careful, my friend, because the pygmies live at the bottom of the canyon as well. Pygmies? And they have a taste for human flesh. And pale humans are a delicacy, you see. Oh my goodness. I never thought I'd ask this question. Can you point me the way to the Canyon of Death? It's the Book of Absolute Truth! Yes, yes, the hermit knows where the book resides. And the hermit will tell you, yes. But you must swear in oath of secrecy, my friend. If tell anyone what I tell you now, Asha will punish you with slow, torturous death. Your blood will boil, your brains will melt, your eyes will burst. Okay, alright. I ain't gonna tell nobody. Lord, Mr. You're making me sick. Where is that? The book is located in the cave of a thousand terrors. Certain death awaits he whose spirit is not pure. In order to find the cave, you must go to the... Mercy sakes a lie. The spear caught him right in the chest. Wonder where that... Oh lord. That little feller. I bet you didn't there a pigman. Alright, I'm gonna get you talking way out of this. Howdy there, feller. I like that there fishing net you got. Got one like that myself over in Biloxi. Use it in Miller's pond to catch shad. Now, listen up here. Y'all don't want to eat me. This old Biloxi hat is tougher than a wild turkey. No, don't go there. No. Now come on now, fellers. Get this net off of me. Get it off me now. What are y'all gonna do to me? Oh lord. Well, now this is a fine howdy-a-doo. Yesterday about this time I was sloppy at hogs. And now I'm hanging by a rope over a boiling pot of water. Life does have its twists and turns. Say, say feller. Listen here. Y'all promise not to dunk me in that stew pot. And I'll go kill you a nice big old tiger. Heck, I'll even slaughter the dang thing and chicken fry you some steaks. How's that sound? Huh? Well, that was wasted breath. Quiet. Quiet here. Stop those drums. Well, we meet again eh, pilgrim. You're that feller from the bar. Howdy. Where's your friend to save you now, eh pilgrim? Feller one, how you like now I take my knife and carve your name on your chest, eh? Or maybe you like better. I cut this rope that you are hanging by. And you fall into hot water. You not be so pale then, would you, feller one? Oh, I'd sure rather you didn't do that. Hey, hey it's Achmed. Howdy, Achmed. Greetings, Elmer, my friend. I see you are playing with the pygmies. Yes, but playtime is over. Now then, you cut my friend down or I fire at you with the fire stick of Asha. The pygmies will ignore your threats, Achmed. They answer only to me. I am thinking you are wrong. The fire stick has a louder voice than you do, my friend. Achmed! Oh Lord. Yes, now you are reacting appropriately. I ain't used to such a thing. Now take my friend down. Make sure that he is unharmed. Easy, boy. Don't drop me in that stew pot. You are feeling alright, my friend? Yeah, yeah. Some jumbled nerves and some rope burns on my wrist. Looks like that's too high for you. The day will come, Achmed, when you and I will come to blows. Yes, that day will come, stupid one. But until then, go find someone else to play. Or I will ventilate you with the fire stick. Now then, Mr. Corn, you found the location of the Book of Absolute Truth? Yes, sir. The hermit told me it was in this place called the Cave of a Thousand Terrors. But just as he's about to tell me where it's at, he's got a spear in his chest. Oh, the cave. Yes. Well, you are being very lucky today, my friend. I know the location of the cave. Climb up on my horse. I will take you there now. Although, I must tell you, it is just a name. There are no more than a few hundred terrors in the cave. Let us go. Well, all right. I see we're going to ride bareback. Haven't done that before. I'll tell you the truth, although I ain't very good at handling no more than a couple of terrors. You are amusing me greatly, Mr. Corn. Hey! Dad gum. So this is the Cave of a Thousand Terrors. I sure wish Achmed had come in here with me. It'd be nice to have someone to hide behind when them terrors start to crank up. But he said I had to come in here on my own. Phew. You know, it's been fifteen minutes and I haven't seen a single terror yet. It's kind of disappointing to fur. I guess this cave will lead to the... Stand still, mortal, and listen close to what I have to say. Where's that burst coming from? You humans are so stupid. I am Arshah, and I am omnipresent. Arshah? You have come in search of the book. And in order to retrieve it, you must confront two life-threatening terrors. Two? I thought this was the Cave of a Thousand Terrors. If you would rather confront a thousand terrors, I can arrange it. Oh, no, no, no, sir. Two's fine. That's more than enough. It's bountiful. Then shut up and listen to what I have to say or I will destroy you now. First, you will confront a pack of rabid monkeys. Then, if you are still alive, you will find the Piranha Pool. Should you be smart enough to make it across these obstacles, the book will be yours. And you will be burdened with the task of escaping this cave. A task that I will see that you will not complete. Well, sir, I... Huh. Here's a door opening up on the side of the cave. It's... Lord, monkeys... foaming at the mouth. Oh, I ain't studying about getting no rabies. Good Lord, they're coming after me. Get out of here. Oh, damn it. I'm at the edge of some sort of pit. It's got water in it. Oh, sakes, that must be them Piranhas. I gotta get across that pit somehow. There's a vine hanging from a bridge. Oh, I hope it holds my weight. I gotta swing across this thing. Here we go. I'm gonna cross my chest. All right. Good Lord. Ah! Ah! Woohoo! I made it across! Cleared them two turrets in seconds flat. And there's a book over there on that big stone pedestal. I bet you that's it. Yes, it says right there on the cover. The Book of Absolute Truth. Well, I'd kinda like to thumb through this, but I guess I better get out of here. This book don't look very old. Well, let's see. I just swing back over that Piranha pit. Take a run and dash past those monkeys and get out of here. That's all there is to it. I'll just put this book in my pocket. All right. I swung over it once. I can do it again. Ha ha! Dead covenant! Ah! Ah! Lord of Mercy, the rope broke! I'm in a pool of meaty meat! Ah! Thank God! Somebody help me! Mr. Corn! Rockman, I will push one of the monkeys into the pool. It should attract the fish. All right, do it! Ah! I pushed the monkey in now. Ah! It's working, Rockman! The piranhas are going to the monkey! Yes. Grab my hand, my friend. I pull you out now. You got it. Ah! Ah! There you go. All right. Oh! There you come. Oh, thanks, Rockman. Yes. Third time you saved my life. Yes. I'm going to share some of that cord of a million with you. No! You will get not one red cent, Mr. Corn. Mr. Williamsburg! What the heck are you doing here? Look! Look, I found the book. The book? Give me that worthless thing. Ah! Ah! What are you ripping it up for? Don't rip it up after you've gone out of thing crazy! The book has blank pages, my friend. I fear that you have been cruelly deceived. My movie has been ruined. I told you not to interfere when he entered the cave, Rockman. What the heck is he talking about? This is all being a game, Mr. Corn. The book of absolute truth does not exist. What? You mean that mean fella in the bar and in the hermit and them pygmies? They all work for Soe Innsberg, Mr. Corn. This country belongs to him as well. And I fear that I work for him. Well, you do not anymore, Rockman. You can begin looking for a new job immediately. Everything has been ruined. I'll tell you the truth, Mr. Corn. Cameras have been spread throughout this country. They are hidden and they have been videotaping your every move. You were to live the adventure that I wish I could live myself. I told you how much I despise television and movies. But this, this was real and it was going perfectly until Achmed ruined it. You informed me there would be no real dangers, Mr. Williamsburg. The piranha, the monkeys, they were real, they were genuine. He almost died. How can you have a real adventure without real dangers? And yes, perhaps death. Were you to have survived, Mr. Corn, I would have paid you the amount we agreed upon. But as it stands, you get nothing. I'm a 14 karat gold sucker. I was a little suspicious when that absolute truth book was in paperback. And that Asha fellow talking to me, that was just you on a speaker, wasn't it? Yes, yes, but I have an idea. This adventure does not have to end this way. The cameras are still rolling. I could have the endings I wished for. What? Get back into the pool, Mr. Corn. Fight for your life against the piranhas. I will pay you if you survive. Well, what are you doing? Don't shove me. You ain't shoving me back into that meat-eating fish pool. Mr. Williamsburg, watch out. Those rocks are loose. You're going to fall into the pool. I'm slithering. My goodness. He's barely in. Grab my hand, Mr. Williamsburg. Too late, Mr. Corn. You cannot save him now. Don't fall in yourself. Come back here. I wanted to touch his teeth in, but I didn't want him to get hit by piranha. He was a lost case, Mr. Corn. Some people get a lot of money, they go crazy. You ain't fooling. The only thing I got out of this is a story to tell the folks down in Biloxi. Yes. And hell, they ain't going to swallow it. Well, come with me to the idiot cafe, Mr. Corn. We will drink mini-zombies and talk about good times. Oh, heck, I'm all furry. Watch out for the rabbit monkeys. Well, that was our story for today. I'm in a bit of a spot here. I certainly know what it's like to be caught in a pool of water myself. Our busted pipes have gotten out of control. The water is almost up to the ceiling now. You may want to leave and return later when we have this watery mess cleared up. Until next time, a pleasant deluge. You have just heard Chet Chetters' Tales from the Morgue. Today's installment, Elmer and the Book of Absolute Truth. The names and characters portrayed in this production are fictitious. Any similarities to actual persons living or dead is purely coincidental. A production by M&J, IO Theatre.
