Your Coca-Cola Bottler presents, Claudia. Music Claudia, based on the original stories by Rose Franken. Brought to you, transcribed Monday through Friday by your friendly neighbor who bottles Coca-Cola. Relax. While you're listening, refresh yourself. Have a Coke. Music And now, Claudia. Music Wasn't it a good idea my coming along to Redbury with you today? Oh sure, fine. Such a beautiful day. And we're going to kill two birds with one stone. Somehow I don't like the sound of the way you put it. I mean I'll get practice driving and you'll get to Redbury. I hope so. Can I take the wheel now? Where do we get out of the city traffic? Oh good, then we could go faster. We're going 40, that's the speed limit. Oh, I thought you were supposed to go faster than the speed limit. You do if you want a ticket. David, are you actually afraid of getting a ticket? Well, it's not my favorite outdoor sport. I think it's very cowardly of you. What's so terrible about a little ticket? It might be cowardly, but I've never gotten one and I don't intend to begin now. Hey, you fool, what do you think you're doing? Women drivers. What happened? Didn't you see that female idiot pull right across the middle of the road? How do you know it's a woman you can't see? I'll bet you $10 it's a woman. Oh, only a woman would drive like that. Now watch your speed up as I try to pass. Watch it. See her go? Well, she doesn't want you to pass her. I wouldn't either. You're all alike. Just why is it that you think a woman can't drive a car as well as a man? Because they're biologically, psychologically, and emotionally incapable of dealing with a piece of machinery. Hey, what's the idea of cutting in like that? Another woman driver, I suppose. Another woman driver. You can't always be right. Why don't you pass and see? Of course I'm going to pass her. She's a menace to anyone behind her. Say, why don't you look where you're going? Hey, keep your shirt on, buddy. Such a nice little old lady. Listen, if women can't drive as well as men, and I don't admit they can't, it's because they can't yell as loud or don't know all the bad words a man uses. I am not yelling. You are. You've been carrying on the top of your voice ever since we got on the highway. David, are we fighting? No man ever taught his wife how to drive a car without a fight. Then we can prove the exception and not fight, because you don't have to teach me. I already know how. There are two schools of thought on that subject. The man whose car you bumped in last Friday wouldn't think so. He didn't say I couldn't either. Look, David, it's a nice quiet road leading off down there. Can't we go on it? Oh, all right, darling. I suppose so. David, you don't have to look so unhappy. What have I got to look happy about? All right, now, slide over. David, you're not leaving me, are you? No, I'm not leaving you, worst luck. I'm just getting on the other side of the car. Now, I'm going to show you just how beautifully I can drive. What was that, darling? Nothing, I was just talking to myself. Well, hold on to your hat now. What are you trying to do, make me lose respect for myself? No, no, no, no. All right, darling, here's the key. Why didn't you leave it in the little thingamajig? In the ignition. Why didn't you leave it in there? I wasn't taking any chances. Oh. All right, now, put the key in and turn it to the left. I know you turn it. How do you think I started the car the other times I drove? Sometimes I wonder. Well, since you're so smart, it won't turn. Well, and turn it to the right. I thought you said to the left. Oh, turn it, you've got me confused. All right, now, now push the starter button. David, stop telling me what to do. All right, all right, I won't open my mouth from now on. Claudia, step on the accelerator lightly. Your mouth, David. I said lightly. Put your foot through the floorboard. Now, easy on the clutch and light on the gas. Easy on the clutch and light on the gas. Well, any criticism of that? Well, why can't you do it that way every time? How do you know what way I do it every time? Oh, I love driving. Claudia, don't cross your feet. I always cross my feet. When you drive a car, you don't cross your feet. Keep one foot close to the clutch, not on the clutch, and one on the gas to be ready to put on the brakes. David, that is silly. I haven't got three feet. Now, don't argue with me. I've been driving for years. And I've been walking for years. David, look at that beautiful little old house. Claudia, keep your eyes on the road. This is no time to be looking at the scenery. I've got two eyes, one on the road, the other was just looking around. Do you mind? If you want to look around, I'll drive. Now, please watch where you're going. Don't drive across roads, you drive up and down them. And you drive on the right side of them. You're making me very nervous. I'm making you nervous. I drive perfectly around New York. I go in and out of the traffic every which way. I don't see why you're making such a fuss about this silly old country road. Honestly, you men make the simplest things sound so complicated. It's all a part of a plot to impress the female sex, I suppose. That's exactly what it is. Now, just stay behind that car head of you, and everything will be perfectly all right. Can I pass him? You cannot. This is not a race. You're merely joyriding. Now, there's a man driving that car head, so you just keep behind him. David, he's slowing down. Well, then you slow down. David, I think he's stopping. No, he hasn't put his hand out. He's just slowing down. I think he's going to stop. Are you a mind reader? Just a woman's intuition. He's doing just what I would do if I were going to stop. What's he doing? Thinking. And now he's waving. Quick, put on your brake. I wonder, is he waving to us? Put your brake on. I told you he was going to stop. And I told you to put your brake on. Oh, you mean put the brake on, like this? It's too late now. You've already stopped. But, David, you told me to stay behind the car. I didn't tell you to crawl up its back. Say, why don't you look where you're going? Now, hold on a minute. I was looking where I was going. If you hadn't stopped, nothing would have happened. If I hadn't stopped? Well, it's true. Claudia, be quiet. I'm sorry, sir, but my wife is just learning. I know how to drive, thanks. I've got a license to prove it here. I get it. So, you're teaching your wife how to drive. I'm trying to. You see that left rear fender waving in the wind? My wife is learning how to drive, too. And you should see my garage door. Well, I hope my wife didn't bang you up too much. This old jalopy? Say, after my wife, your wife couldn't hurt it at all. Well, good luck to you. Well, thanks. Well? Well what? Speechless with rage. You ought to be speechless with shame. You run into a man's car and you don't even say you're sorry. Sorry? The way you two got together and took sides against your wives. Slide out from under the wheel and let me drive. You've had your lesson for the day. I think you're impossible. Took sides, reckless, incompetent mishandling of a car. If I'd been that man, I'd have taken a poke at me and wrung your neck. Bad he didn't. A poke, I mean. Just because you're in such a bouchy mood, don't take it out in the car by driving so fast around corners. I'm not driving so fast around corners. I'm a good driver and I don't run into cars or break laws. You're just perfect, aren't you? Well, I'm pretty near perfect when it comes to handling a car. I suppose you are. Here, Mr. Perfect, let me straighten your hair. Hey, don't do that when I'm driving. Oh, you almost ran into that car. It was an intersection and I had the right of way. He ought to have stopped. If I'd been driving, I suppose I would have been in the wrong and the other car on the right. Well, if you had been driving, you probably would have been in the wrong. Are we fighting? No, I suppose so. It's just something that happens to a man when a woman drives a car. We won't always be like this. No, you'll get better and I'll get used to it. Someday I may even have the philosophy of the man you ran into. You're sweet, David. I am not sweet. Oh, I meant it in a nice way. I wouldn't like one of those namby-pamby men. David, there's a car behind us. Oh, that's all right, unless... Unless it's a woman driver, I suppose. But it's not a woman driver. It's two men drivers. I think they're trying to pass. I'm going 40 and that's fast enough for anyone. They don't have to pass. They're going to pass anyway. Hold on, will you? It's a policeman, David, a policeman. David, it's two policemen. All right, Barney Oldfield. What's the hurry? You going to a fire? I was going exactly 40 miles an hour in a 40-mile zone. Yeah, and you were doing exactly 40 miles an hour through the red light back there at the intersection. What red light? The pretty little red light hanging right over the middle of the road. I didn't see it. Oh, David, I know what he means. The red light back at the intersection where the car almost ran into us? Clodagh, be quiet. I didn't see it, officer. Oh, you didn't see it. Maybe you saw it. Maybe you need glasses. It's guys like you that make driving a menace on the highways, maniacs that won't stop at red lights. But, officer, I tell you I didn't see it. Let's have your license. Right here. Guys like you wanting to be given a license. You didn't see it. Oh, officer, please, I know what happened. I think I can explain it. Claudia, please, anything you say will only get us deeper into this mess. But I don't get it. I just didn't see any red light. Please, before you write that ticket. It wasn't his fault. Really, it wasn't. He really didn't see that light. Lady, you already admitted that you saw the red light. And that's just it. I saw it, but he didn't. What are you trying to tell me, that he's blind and you're a seeing-eye dog and forgot to bark? No, we have a dog, but that's not the point. Please, officer, listen. My husband has never had a ticket. And I've never had a ticket either. You see, we're a family that's never had a ticket. I don't see anything except guys that drive through red lights. You've got to understand. He couldn't see the light. You see, just as we came up to the light, I leaned across him so he couldn't see. Why? Because his hair was rumpled and I was straightening it. He looks funny with his hair rumpled. He looks funny with... Sorry. He does look funny with his hair rumpled. Now, wait a minute, wait a minute. This is degenerated into a beauty contest. I didn't see any light, but if I did go through one, I ought to have a ticket. But I don't have to sit here and have my hair discussed, whether it's funny or not. You know, you're lucky, buddy. If it was Clancy over there in the car, you'd get this ticket. Clancy isn't married, so you... But me, I'm married. My wife slapped a fly on my nose once, and we ended up in a ditch. Then you're willing to overlook it. Sure. You can go on being a no-ticket family. Oh, Officer, thanks loads. And you'd better slide over and let your wife drive while you sit in the back and remember about red lights. But, Officer... No buts, Mr. Perfect. Slide over, I'll call him back. Slide over. Listen, it might be cheaper to get the ticket than to let you drive. I'll never get to Redberry, never. Hey, what are you pulling out the ashtray for? My mistake, I thought it was the choke. Oh, Lord, you've got as much mechanical ability as a fly. I've got other kinds of ability. Such as? Such as being psychologically, biologically, and emotionally capable of dealing with a policeman. David, you love me. Yes, I love you, worst luck. Now, shift your gears. This broadcast of Claudia was supervised and directed by William Brown Maloney. When folks call up and say they'd like to drop over, no need of going into a tailspin, wondering what you can serve them. Just see that there's plenty of Coca-Cola in the refrigerator and you'll be able to offer them the most welcome of refreshment. Chances are you can get Coke by the case from your grocer or service station. And that's a smart thing to do if you want to be ready for a company of any age at any hour. Every day, Monday through Friday, Claudia comes to you, transcribed, with the best wishes of your friendly neighbor who bottles Coca-Cola. So listen again tomorrow at this same time. And now this is Joe King saying au revoir. And remember, whoever you are, whatever you do, wherever you may be, when you think of refreshment, think of Coca-Cola. Ice-cold Coca-Cola makes any pause the pause that refreshes.