["The Mouth Blank Show Theme"] From Hollywood, Colgate Toothbowder presents The Mouth Blank Show, written by Mack Benoff, with Mary Jane Croft, Joe Kearns, Hans Connery, Jim Backus, the sportsman Victor Miller and his orchestra, and starring the creator of The Voice of Bugs Bunny. Yay! What's up, Jack? Yes, Colgate Toothbowder for a breath that's sweet and teeth that sparkle, brings you the Mouth Blank Show with Mel playing his new character, Zookie. Hello and be ab-ba-baby-bu-ab-baby, hello and be ab-ab-ab-ab-aby. Ha ha ha! Hi! And starring himself in person, Mel Blank. Hi folks, Unga Unga Boo Unga Boo Boo Unga! ["The Mouth Blank Show Theme"] Use Colgate Tooth Powder, it's mild and just right. Use it each morning and use it each night. It cleans your teeth, makes breath so sweet. Use Colgate Tooth Powder. Want teeth that sparkle and dazzle, a breath that's fresh and sweet? Then try Colgate Tooth Powder. For the new all-purpose Colgate Tooth Powder cleans your teeth and sweetens your breath. Yes, this new all-purpose Tooth Powder produces an amazingly rich, active foam that's marvelously effective. Every time you brush your teeth with this new all-purpose Colgate Tooth Powder, your whole mouth feels clean, sweet, fresh. Your teeth regain their natural sparkle. It's been proved in seven cases out of ten that Colgate Tooth Powder instantly stops unpleasing breath that originates in the mouth. And as for cleaning, you can depend on Colgate Tooth Powder revealing the natural brilliance of your teeth. Yes, Colgate Tooth Powder, the new all-purpose Tooth Powder, does everything you can expect or ask of a dentifrice. Try Colgate Tooth Powder today for teeth that sparkle and a breath that's sweet. Use Colgate Tooth Powder. June is the month of graduations. New graduates wondering what kind of jobs they're going to get are eager to get out of school. Old graduates who have the jobs are wondering how they can get back into school. Unable to do so, the old grads content themselves by looking at their old yearbooks. In Mel Blank's little town, we find Tom Jones and Shirley Brown looking at Tom's yearbook, and Shirley is saying, Tom, why are you looking so surprised in this graduating picture? Well, I had just been informed by the dean that I received the highest marks of the class. And Dorothy Lenahan says to her boyfriend, Oh Bill, why do you look so surprised in this graduating picture? I was just given a scholarship to Cornell. And in Mel Blank's fix-it shop where Betty Colby is proudly looking at a picture of Mel Blank sitting on the library steps in his cap and gown, Betty is saying, Mel, why do you look so surprised in this graduating picture? I had a hole in my pants and those steps were cold. So they continued turning the pages in the yearbook until Betty said, Now look at that picture of the freshman class. Who's that funny looking anemic kid with the stupid face and the buck teeth? That's me. Oh, guys, those were the good old days. The three Rs, reading, writing, arithmetic. There should be four Rs. Four Rs? Yeah, reading, writing, arithmetic, and arrays for the teachers. Betty, look at the picture of this fellow. Remember him, Bernie Henderson? He always used to throw spitballs. Never did anything but throw spitballs. Did he ever mount anything? I'll say he did. He's a guy who invented moisturized cigarettes. And this fellow on the left, Joe Hanson, he was a monitor. He used to shout and make everybody stand up. If anyone came in second late, he'd slam the door in their face. Oh, what's he doing now? He's driving a bus in Los Angeles. And there's Sam Long, the class dunce. He used to think he was a chicken. That's odd. You ever hear from him? No, but every once in a while he sends me a half a dozen eggs. Matter of fact, I called him up the other day to thank him. Oh, what'd he say? Ah! Oh, Mel, you weren't much of a student, were you? What? Why, Professor Baker said I had a wonderful head for science. They even wanted me at Harvard. Oh, why didn't you go? I told you, they didn't want me. They just wanted my head. Now, what's that little poem under your picture in the yearbook? Oh, my teacher wrote it in. Listen. To Mel Blank, you'll become a great success, you'll have power and be strong. You'll have a million dollars. You should live so long. Oh, Betty, look, here comes your father. Oh, hello, Betty. Hello, Father. Hello, Mr. Colby. Say, you're looking very happy today. Yes, today's a big day for me. The principal of Monroe High School has asked me personally to secure the speaker for the graduation ceremonies. And I've been fortunate enough to obtain the famous Chinese philosopher, Dr. Tao. Oh, gosh, that's wonderful, Mr. Colby. It just shows that through perseverance and clean living, a humble education, a man can stand and fight for the better things in life and bring an entire nation to realize right from wrong. Why, Mel, that's beautiful. Where did you hear it? On the Lone Ranger. Oh, dear. Well, never mind. Who knows how the school will reward me? Why, it's possible they may give me an honorary degree. Why, they may even go so far as to dedicate a room to me. Gosh, what an honor. Every time the students wash their hands, they'll see your name. What? You know, you young people of today are too impertinent. Why, in my day, it was like in Lincoln's time. We appreciated more things. We used to walk 12 miles to school and 12 miles back. Yeah, and I can just see the graduation. Instead of a diploma, they give you a box of Dr. Scholl's foot pads. No. I can't waste any time with you. Dr. Tao is arriving at the station. I've got to meet him. Holy smoke, it's half past four. I've wasted so much time with you, I won't be able to make it. And there'll be nobody to meet him. Oh, Mr. Colby, don't worry. My assistant, Zuki, is helping out a friend who's sick. He's working at the station as a train announcer. I'll call Zuki up and tell him to meet the doctor. That's wonderful, Mel. Thanks. Oh, you see, Mr. Colby, I always come through when you need me. Give me that phone. It's a train leaving on tracks... It's a train leaving on tracks... It's a train leaving on tracks... It's a... Never mind the train left. Mel asked me to meet Dr. Tao. Oh, there he is. Dr. Tao! How do you do? Did you call me, young man? Yeah, I represent Monroe High School. Dr. Tao, I'm here to extend formal... Dr. Tao, I'm here to... Dr. Tao, I'm here to... I'm here to... Dr. Tao, I'm here to... Dr. Tao, I'm here to... What's up, Doc? That's clever. Are you going to take me to the high school? Oh, sure. I've got a private limousine. I'll call a taxi. I'll get the mayor's car. Hop in that pushcart. I'll push it. Young man, do you realize I am a doctor, a philosopher? Oh, I'm sorry. Then you push me. This is an outrage. You can tell Mr. Colby I've been highly insulted. I'm getting right back on this train and leaving. Good day. But Doc, you can't go. Gosh, Mr. Colby will break every bone in Mel's... Every bone... Every bone... Bone viage! That's odd. Zuckey isn't back with Dr. Tao. I wonder if anything happened. Oh, here comes that conceited bo-brummel, Hartley Benson. Hello, Hartley. Gee, the sun is sure bright today. Mel, that's merely thousands of women shining with radiance because they've just seen great big adorable me. In fact, I'm such a beautiful bundle of bliss, I could give myself a great big kiss. Hartley Benson, why are you so conceited? Mel, the girls make me so. In a recent survey taken among the graduates of Vassar for the sport that they like the best, 10% chose swimming, 12% said canoeing, and 78% said Hartley Bensoning. Hartley Bensoning, what's that? It's like night baseball, only it's played with the lights out. Mel, when I went to college, I was the center of attraction. Oh, I don't believe you ever went to college, Hartley. Oh, no. Mel, you should have seen me at my graduation. All the graduates wore their finest clothes, but all eyes were on me. What were you wearing? My midriff cap and gown. I was such an outstanding student, they awarded me an LLD. An LLD? Yes, lovely, luscious, and divine. This year, I went back to my alma mater to make a speech to all the girl graduates. In five words, I gave those girls the key to complete and lasting happiness. What were the words? Webster, 9890. What's that? It is my phone number. Then I gave those girls their diplomas, and they looked so surprised. Oh, naturally, it was the first time anyone ever got a sheepskin from a jackass. And now, Mel, if you're going to take that... Makes me very happy to tell you that I was at the station, and I saw Zucchi make such a fool of himself that Dr. Tau isn't going to appear at the graduation exercises. What? Yes, he got back on the train and left, and I'm leaving too. Goodbye, you buffoon. I'm so lovable and grand. Tomorrow, I'm asking myself for my hand. So long, Mel, nice seeing me. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. He's the only one I know who has two telephones in his house so he can call himself up and ask for a date. Gosh, I'm in terrible trouble. When Mr. Colby finds out that Dr. Tau isn't showing up, I'll take my head and twist it around backwards. Gee, that's not so bad. Now I'll be able to see where I'm coming from. Use Colgate Tooth Powder, keep smiling just right. Teeth that sparkle, a breath that's fresh. Yes, Colgate Tooth Powder, the all-purpose Colgate Tooth Powder cleans your teeth and sweetens your breath. Colgate Tooth Powder creates a rich, lively, pleasant-tasting foam that really cleans. Your whole mouth feels fresh and sweet. It's been proved in seven cases out of ten, Colgate Tooth Powder instantly stops unpleasing breath that originates in the mouth. And when it comes to cleaning your teeth, this all-purpose Colgate Tooth Powder gives dazzling results, reveals the natural brilliance of your teeth. Colgate Tooth Powder does everything a dentifer should do. That's why it's an all-purpose tooth powder. Use Colgate Tooth Powder for teeth that sparkle and a breath that's sweet. Use Colgate Tooth Powder. Now here's Victor Miller at his orchestra, and this can't be love. 記得 openly oceanide Вурерldс Muchas gracias por ver el video. Well, back to Mel Blank, who is behind the proverbial eight ball again, where he almost always resides as a permanent tenant. It seems that Mr. Colby expected an honorary degree because he had obtained the services of the Chinese philosopher Dr. Tao for the high school graduation exercises. But Mel's interference through his assistant Zucchi caused Dr. Tao to cancel his speaking engagement. Now we find Mel in his fix-it shop a little worried. Gosh, if that's Mr. Colby and he finds I'm here, he'll kill me. Hello? Hello? Mel Blank's fix-it job? You bend it, we mend it. Who is this, please? Oh, Mr. Colby? Oh, I'm so sorry. Mel Blank just left town. Where did he go? Uh, Holland. Well, they got a leak in the dyke and he's got the only thumb that fits. Goodbye. Off Smorgasbord. Gosh, he sounded angry. If he catches me, I'll be Smorgasbord. Oh, here comes my lodge president, Mr. Cushing. Maybe he'll be able to help me out. Hello, Mel. Ah-da-boo-ah-da-boo-ah-da. Greetings, mighty potentate. How's your little helpmate? Mel, when you're married to a woman like my wife, the word is help. She's got a new thing now, Mel. Before she goes to bed, she puts an ice pack on her head and rubs her face with alcohol. I tell you, Mel, it's like sleeping next to a Mickey Finn. Last night she came over and kissed me. You want to know something, Mel? Yeah? I wish it were a Mickey Finn. Well, woman, last night we had an argument. She said to me, John, if I hear another word, I'll die. Well, what do you do? Turned on Gabriel Heater. What a face. The other day I put a picture of my wife in my wallet. Now, there was a one dollar bill and a five dollar bill in it. I looked in my wallet this morning. You know what happened? What? George Washington was hiding in Lincoln's beer. The other night we were getting ready to go to one of those old fashioned costume balls. She was putting on a bustle and she said, Oh, John, help me out with this bustle. String me up. Come on, John, string me up. Yeah, what a temptation. I don't know why I'm telling you all this. It's just that I don't know what to talk to. My potent hate, if you think you've got troubles, listen to mine. On account of me, Dr. Tao won't speak at the high school graduation. And now Mr. Coby will scout me. Oh, don't worry, Mel, you can always borrow my wife's toupee. Wait a minute, Mel, you're good at impersonations. Why don't you disguise yourself as Dr. Tao? Oh, but disguises are pretty tough to get away with. What are you talking about, Mel? For 50 years my wife has been disguising herself as a human being. Gee, maybe it will work. Sure, and you'll thank me for it. Well, I got to be going now, Mel. Where are you going, my potent hate? Well, Mel, I can do one or two things. I can go to the movies and see Cheyenne, or I can go home and look at Death Valley. Well, Mel, I've got to go. Gee, the mighty potent hate gave me a great idea. All I have to do is disguise myself as Dr. Tao and say a few words at the graduation. Now to talk Mr. Colby into letting me do it. Mel Blank, I ought to massacre you for what you've done. Now this ridiculous idea of impersonating Dr. Tao. Well, Mr. Colby, it's either I do that or you don't get your honorary degree. Well, well, but do you think you can get away with it? Oh, sure, listen to this. Hola, ma. La pom, pom, toy, hola. What does that mean? To chow mein, hola noodles. Don't forget, Mr. Colby, the store next to my fix-it shop is a Chinese restaurant. Well, I suppose I have no alternative. All right, get your disguise and remember this. Bung Dao Gao, Mel Blank, yi konga deeskot. Well, what's that? If Mel Blank foul things up, he join honorable ancestor. Mr. Colby, the graduation exercise is about to start. Now where is Dr. Tao? Don't worry. Oh, don't worry. No, no, no. He's coming right from his fix-it shop. I mean, he's coming right from the station as soon as he fixes himself up. Oh, here comes a very distinguished Chinese-looking gentleman. Now that must be he. Yes, it's he. No, it's him. No, it's he. You're right. Dr. Tao, allow me to present the principal of Monroe High, Mr. Flush Hacker. Dr. Tao, I've been preparing for this moment. As you say in China, ni hao bu hao. Thank you. And as we say in China, eg fu yang. But eg fu yang is something you eat. I know. Last night, my wife served me eg fu yang. Me get very sick. Why? Eg was fu and not too yang. Dr. Tao, if I may ask, what is your first name? Ting Ling. Ting Ling? Yes, mother was frightened by good humor man. Dr. Tao, I've always been very interested in your customs. Now tell me, do you always eat with chopsticks? No, me heavy eater use golf clubs. Oh, me make a joke. Very little joke. Dr. Tao, you're a famous philosopher and I'd like to ask you one thing. What is your opinion of life? Which issue? We Chinese always say one picture worth 10,000 words. Really? You want to buy postcards? My advice to you is develop big stomach. Big stomach, why? Confucius say man with big stomach also has something to fall back on. That's what he say. Dr. Tao, tell me, how do you think our system of education compares with yours? Big difference. In China, when you smart, you go to college and get diploma. In America, when you smart, you go to quiz program and get refrigerator. Infinite wisdom packed into a few words. Yes, I make a mistake on the words too. By the way, what university did you attend? I went to very famous college in a Chinese city. Peking? Oh no, when college pass by me take a good look. Oh, me very good scholar in China. Just take examination, no have pen, use goose feather. Yeah, but what trouble I have using goose feather. Couldn't get one answer down. Why not? Paper too ticklish. Ha ha ha. Well, I think... Students, the students have all taken their seats now. So let's go on stage and I shall introduce you. Boys and girls of Monroe High. Well, thank heavens Mel, for once one of your impersonations helped father. Well, I'm glad he got us the honorary degree. And father will be home with it any minute Mel. Don't you think I ought to get off your lap? No Betty, as Confucius say, man with girl on lap is like bread without yeast. What do you mean? I want to rise. This is Mel Blank saying thanks for listening. Good night and that's all folks. This is Buddy Easton reminding you that Colgate Toothpoudre for a breath of sweet and teeth that sparkle and you can watch the Mel Blank show every Tuesday night at this time. Be sure to join us again next Tuesday night for more fun with Mel and the people you meet in Mel Blank's Fix-It shop. Say hello to Halo Shampoo for naturally bright and beautiful hair. Remember even finest soaps and soap shampoos hide the natural lustre of your hair with dulling soap film. But Halo Shampoo contains no soap, therefore leaves no dulling soap film. Even in hardest water, Halo makes oceans of rich fragrant lather, quickly banishes loose dandruff and dirt. If you want to get rid of your hair with soap film or vinegar rinse, say hello to Halo and good bye to dulling soap film. Get Halo Shampoo at any cosmetic counter. Remember Mel Blank every Tuesday night at this time. Thank you for your broadcasting system.
