["The Mel Black Show Theme from The Hollywood Show"] From Hollywood, Colgate 2 Smarter presents The Mel Black Show, written by Max Benoff with Mary Jane Croft, Joe Kearns, Hans Connery, Alan Reed, the sportsman, Victor Miller at his orchestra, and starring the creator of The Voice of Bugs Bunny. Eh... What's up, Doc? Yes, Colgate 2 Smarter for a breath of sweet and teeth of sparkle brings you The Mel Black Show with Mel playing his new character, Zookie. Hello, ee-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b. Hello, ee-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b. Hi! And starring himself in person, Mel Black. Hi, folks. Ugga, ugga-boo, ugga-boo-boo, ugga. Well, here we are. Well, here it is, the first day of April, all fools' day. All over the country, people of dignity drop their cloak of respectability and declare open season for silliness. And the people in Mel Black's little town are no exception, especially Mel Black himself. Anyway, let's sneak into his fix-it shop and listen. Shh. He's on the phone. Is that you, Henry? I have a phone call for you from Dr. Rooster. Uh, just a minute. I'll put him on. Oh, it was some joke on him. Yeah, now let's see who I call. I'll get another name out of the phone directory. Mrs. Rains, Mrs. Robinson, Mrs. Roy. Mrs. Roy, that's a good one. Hello Mrs. Roy? I want to speak to Mrs. Roy. This one is a dilly. Is that you, Mrs. Roy? Mrs. Roy, is Kill there? Hi Mel, what are you laughing at? Oh Betty, it's April Fool's Day and I'm having fun on the telephone. Just watch this. Here's a ritzy name in the phone book. Mrs. Uppington Van Sloan. Hello? Hello. Are you the lady that washes? I beg your pardon. I said are you the lady that washes? Of course not. Oh you dirty thing. You better be careful now. One of your jokes is liable to backfire. Oh Betty, that's never happened to me. Except once last year. Then I only spent two days in the hospital. What happened? Well don't you remember last April Fool I disguised my voice? I woke up your father at four in the morning and said on the phone, you're a big fat jerk and a moron. You know who this is? Yeah, well how did you get in the hospital? He guessed. Oh I don't know, I can never pull a joke on your father. Well don't try it this year Mel, especially since father's beginning to like you so much. I'm not so sure about that. Oh now father likes you very much. Last night when you were over at the house I heard him asking in the kitchen for a little bite. Yeah and his teeth marks are still on my arm. Let me see, who else can I play a joke on? Well not with me around, I'll see you later. Bye. Oh Betty, your slip is showing. Where? On your clothesline. April! Fool. Oh now I'm alone, I can pull the biggest one of them all and this year he won't catch me. I'm gonna call Betty's father. Hello? Oh London calling, Mr. Colby. London? Yes this is Mr. Colby. Oh this is Smythe Twombly of the lawyer calling. Mr. Colby it is my duty to inform you that your uncle Sir Percival Colby has just been buried. Buried? Had to, dead you know. Well but I haven't got an Uncle Percival. And furthermore he left you his entire fortune. Oh yes dear Uncle Percy. Oh oh oh. How much did he leave? Well it's a matter of two million pounds, thirty yenes, five shillings, two pence and a jacket. We'll mail you the check in a fortnight. A fortnight? In fact we'll send the check air mail, it may take only three nights. Well cheerio. Hello I'm rich, I'm rich. What a terrific rib. Oh gee I forgot to say April Fool. Hmm, hey what if he takes me seriously? Oh no he couldn't be that stupid. Hello Mel. Well Professor Potschnick, my favorite music teacher. Have I been having fun today? Why all of a sudden today? Don't you know it's April the first, all fools day. Oh pardon me, happy birthday Mel. Professor don't you get it, April Fool is when you play jokes on people. Oh please don't remind me, last year I played a joke on my wife Sonia. I made believe I was out of town, I called up the house and I said, hello Sonia this is Joe, your husband's out of town, this is my chance. Joe needs you, Joe wants to come right over. Was I embarrassed. Well how come? Joe answered the phone. So I divorced her and she married Joe, and this poor Joe got troubles. Why? Now when he's calling up I'm answering the phone. Say are you going to get married again Professor? Yes but with someone in my own profession. Here is an ad I'm putting in the musical digest. Male piano teacher wants to marry female piano teacher object baby grand. Well Mel I got to be going. Hello Mel, hello Professor, congratulate me. I'm a millionaire. Oh Mr. Colby. Oh here Mel, have a box of soap chips. Well have two boxes. Mr. Colby. Well don't stand there like that, this isn't just money, it's soap chips. You came into a fortune? Yes, two million pounds. My uncle in England died. Well I'm giving away my supermarket and I'm going to build another one. I'll build the biggest in the world, in fact it'll be so big people will think it's a drug store. Mr. Colby I think there's something you ought to know. Oh not now Mel, I've given away half my supermarket and I came down here to give you anything you want. Now what do you need? Mr. Colby, is it hard to get rope? No, no I'll give you just as much as you want. I just want a little for my neck. Listen now. No, no time, no time. Yippee, I'm a millionaire. Come on Professor Potting. Yippee. Oh, oh, oh I just happened to think, please Professor. No, no, no, my uncle died. Isn't that terrible. Tell me are you giving away a rostenkaviar? What kind, you want red or black? Well as long as you're in mourning make it black. Oh what have I done? This is the worst fix I've ever gotten myself into. Mr. Colby finds out it's an April Fool joke. This fool won't see the end of April. 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Try Colgate tooth powder today for teeth that sparkle and a breath that's sweet. Use Colgate tooth powder. Now Victor Miller the sportsman and you can't see the sun when you're crying. You can't see the sun when you're crying. The tear can hides the brightest sky of blue and you can't hear a song when you're sighing no matter how the birds sing for you. Suppose you may believe your eyes were cloudy windowpane. I'm sure you'd clean them up to look for rainbows when it rains. Cause you can't see the sun when you're crying. So smile and let the sun shine through. Oh dry those tears cause you can't see the sun when you're crying. You can't even hear a robin when you're sighing. Suppose you may believe your eyes were cloudy windowpane. You clean them up to see rainbows when it rains. Cause you can't see the sun when you're crying. So smile and let the sun shine through. Well back to Mel Blank. Mel's innocent little April Fool joke has gotten him into plenty of trouble. He phoned Mr. Colby pretending to be an English lawyer and convinced Colby that his uncle had died and left him a million dollars. The joke went so well that Mr. Colby is giving away his supermarket to everybody in town expecting the money to arrive from England. While Mel is figuring out how to break the news to Mr. Colby along comes more trouble in the person of the town, Bo Brummel, Hartley Benson. Hello, Hartley. What's new in your life? Nothing. I'm still crazy about great big adorable meat. Black Mel, I'm as fragrant as can be. I'm so sweet. Perfume smells me. Eek, eek, eek, eek, eek. Oh, will you cut that out, Hartley? Well Mel, boy, it's the truth. Haven't you heard of the new perfume that's coming out? No, what's the name of it? Evening with Hartley Benson. It comes in three strengths. Tender kiss, burning kiss, and oh, Hartley, you're straightening out my Gruen Curvex. I received the first test bottle of it just last week. Well, how was it? Well, I sprayed myself with half the bottle because I had a date with a gorgeous, glamorous blonde. Well, what happened? Nothing. I smelled so good that I stayed home and danced with myself. I tell you Mel, I was the loveliest couple on the floor. Look Hartley, let me alone. I've got enough trouble. In that case, I shall be off. I'm such a lovely thing, I'm giving myself an engagement ring. Goodbye Mel, nice seeing me. Eek, eek, eek, eek, eek. What a character. Next time he does that, I'm going to throw him a fish. Gosh, Mr. Colby is still giving things away. There must be a way to stop him. The more he gives away, the more he'll kill me. Oh, here comes my lodge president, Mr. Cushing. Maybe he can help me. Hello Mel. How are you? Mel, how are you? Mel, if you mean my wife, the word is tugboat. As a matter of fact, she's a cross between a barge and a sleuth. Thought of a blue. Come now, mighty potentate, she doesn't look like that. If she doesn't, Mel, why is it that every night when I go to sleep, I dream about Moby Dick the whale. You should hear that woman snore. Every once in a while I get up yelling, there she goes. Mel, you should see her open her mouth when she snores. Jonah could walk in standing up. What a woman. You sound pretty disgusted, mighty potentate. Well, the other day I was cooking. I could hear my wife snagging, salt the potatoes, clean the lettuce, wash the biscuits. Then my wife came into the kitchen, she lit the burners, opened the door and said, oh John, put the turkey in the oven. Dad, what a temptation. I don't know why I'm telling you all this. It's just that I'm not alone, don't you? Well I'm glad I got you to talk to, mighty potentate. I played a joke on Mr. Colby and now he's giving everything away in his supermarket. He is. My wife's shopping there right now. Maybe somebody will take her. Oh, wait a minute, let me finish. The reason he's giving everything away is because I fooled him into thinking he had inherited a fortune. How can I get out of it? Let me think. You could commit suicide. No, I'm saving that for myself. I've got it. Why don't you disguise yourself as a lawyer? Tell him there was some mistake and he really didn't inherit that money. You understand? I do. Mel Blank, what did you say? I do. Mel, never, never use those two horrible words in my... Well I hope I helped you out. Well I guess it's high time I better be going now. Yep, it's high time and thanks for the idea. Hey, where are you going now, mighty potentate? Well Mel, I can do one or two things. I can go to the movies and see two years before the mass or I can go home and look at 20 years behind the eight bars. Well, at last I've got a way to get out of my troubles. I'll be an English lawyer and I'll have Zookie tell Mr. Colby I'm coming over tonight. Oh, Zookie, Zookie. And you, you actually saw the lawyer arriving in town, Zookie. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Mr. Colby. He came in by... He came in by... He came in under a freight car. Oh, that's a funny one. Well, he's probably come with the money. Oh here, have a smoke, Zookie. It's a quarter cigar. Oh, gee, it's wonderful. Who smoked the other three quarters? Oh, I light it for you. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I light it for you. There we are. Colby a millionaire. Oh, geez. You know, it's nice and dry out. Oh, yes, it is. Oh, my goodness. Oh, here we go. We started the fight. How do we do it. It's like a Cra Can I have Public Television housing? Oh, this thing is falling apart. What? Oh, that's the old stove. We're just setting this thing on fire. Ah, that's probably the lawyer now. I'll answer the door. Oh, good evening. I am Smaith Trombley of Tentwistle and all that sort of rot. I'm looking for Mr. Colby and all that sort of rot. Won't you come inside? I'm Mr. Colby. Well, how are you, old bean? Oh, tip-top, old man, and you? Sense and old breath. Then send me to the doctor. Then send. I always thought Englishmen said pip-pip. Fraggly, old boy. I've had a very tiresome journey. I'm too pooped to pip. Mr. Smaith Trombley, tell me, where in London does your firm have its office? Number 10 Downing Street. But Atlee lives there. We're putting on new help all the time. Nice fellow, Clem. Clem? Then I suppose you know Winnie. Who? Winnie. Winnie. All right. Now about the money. Oh, yes, yes, the money. When do I get it? Mr. Colby, there isn't any money. What? You don't get a red cent. I mean, you don't get a lavender farthing. Why? It's Mel Blank. I get it, Mel. It's an April Fool joke. You're trying to make me think I'm not getting the money, aren't you? You're not. Mr. Colby, now don't get excited, but it was me who called you up in the first place. You're not getting a penny. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. Come, come now. You're not trying. Mel Blank, I'm going to break every bone in your body. Mr. Colby, please, I didn't mean it. Don't break my bones. Yeah, you're right. I'm going to take this gun and shoot you instead. Shoot me? Mr. Colby, please, break my bone. No. I'm going to shoot you. Here, here, start on my arm. Go ahead, snap it in half. Enjoy yourself. Go ahead. It's no use. I'm going to shoot you with this.45. Mr. Colby, couldn't you wait until the.47s come out? That's doing it. Stand still, you idiot. I'm going to shoot you right in the brain. It'll take 20 or 30 shots, but I'll find it. Oh! Oh, he did it. He did it. Oh, gosh. I never thought I'd live to see the day when I die. I'm going now. My whole life is passing before me. What a disappointment I've been. Even when I was born, my parents wanted to hear the patter of little feet around the house. But I disappointed them. I walked on my hands. I remember how my mother used to count my toes. Eight, nine, ten. Eleven. Then she counted the other foot. I tried to help the family by selling magazines on street corners. I sold Thai magazine on one corner and the pretty girl sold life on the opposite corner. On windy days, I had the time of my life. I don't want to die. Hey, bro, boo! Come on, get up, you dick-a-boo. Mal, you're not dying. Then I'm not shot? I'm not dying? No, Mal, old boy. Mr. Colby shot blank with a blank. Eek, eek, eek. What? Were all you people listening outside? That's right. You never fooled me. I knew it was an April Fool joke immediately. But I turned the tables on you. Now, gentlemen, thanks for helping me with my little joke. And if you don't mind, I'd like to have my soap chips and caviar back. April Fool. What do you mean? Try and get it. Gosh, Mel, how long do you think you'll be able to hide out in your fix-it shop? Until your father calms down, Betty. Gosh, what a day this has been. Oh, somebody wants me to fix something. I'll answer the phone, Betty. Hello, Mel's fix-it shop. If it's on the blank, bring it to blank. Is this Mel Blank himself? Yes. Congratulations, Mr. Blank. This is the Top of Diamonds radio program. You've just won a 1947 packet and $10,000 in cash. Well, Mr. Blank, what do you say to that? Eh, shut up. Use Colgate Toothpowder, keep smiling just right. Use it each morning and use it each night. It cleans your teeth, makes breath so sweet. Use Colgate Toothpowder. Fresh and lively and very pleasant to taste is Colgate Toothpowder, the all-purpose tooth powder. As soon as the brush touches your teeth, Colgate Toothpowder makes rich, active foam that cleans and freshens every corner of your mouth. Makes your breath sweeter, yes, indeed. In seven cases out of ten, it's been proved that Colgate Toothpowder instantly stops unpleasing breath that originates in the mouth. And oh, what a wonderful cleansing job Colgate Toothpowder does. Leaves your teeth with that pearly, smooth feeling, reveals their natural brilliance. So for teeth that sparkle and a breath that's sweet, try Colgate Toothpowder, the all-purpose tooth powder. Use Colgate Toothpowder. Say hello to Halo Shampoo for naturally bright and beautiful hair. Remember, even finest soaps and soap shampoos hide the natural lustre of your hair with dulling soap film. But Halo Shampoo contains no soap, therefore leaves no dulling soap film. Even in hardest water, Halo makes oceans of rich, fragrant lather, quickly banishes loose dandruff and dirt. Halo needs no lemon or vinegar rinse. Say hello to Halo and goodbye to dulling soap film. Get Halo Shampoo at any cosmetic counter. Remember, Mel Blank at the same time every Tuesday night. This is CDN, the Columbia Broadcasting Center.
