Your Coca-Cola Bottler presents Claudia, based on the famous play and novels by Rose Franken, brought to you transcribed Monday through Friday by your friendly neighbor who bottles Coca-Cola. Relax and while you're listening, refresh yourself. Have a Coke. And now, Claudia. Mr. Warren? Mr. Warren? Funny, his wife said he was out here in the barn. Mr. Warren? Hey, hey, is that you, Norton? Hey, be right with you, I'm out in the milk room. Warm and friendly in a cow barn on a nippy morning. My ears are still tingling. David, did you ever see so many cows? Yes. You have got a green light of envy in your eyes. Look, we're only going to have one cow. Ah, you young folks are here bright and early. Yes, thank you for telephoning us this morning about your decision to let us have one of your cows. Yes, Jared and I talked it over after you left yesterday. Maybe he's right. The trouble with me and cows is I don't like to sell the good ones and I raise only good ones. It's to be sort of a case of too much of a good thing. Even with good things, there can be too much? Ah, but the cow I sell you won't be too much like selling a cow. She'll be right on the next farm. Tucker here, where be everybody? We're here in the cow barn, Mr. Tucker. Hey, you ain't bought nothing yet. You ain't said yes on the cow yet. No, we just got here. It's good, it's good. Why don't you two young ones wait for me? That high tailed over here like two frisky calves led out to a new pasture. You ain't cut your eye teeth neither have you. When it comes to cows, without the advice and guidance of an expert you'll get your hide scone out. I suppose, Jared, you think you're whispering, you poor soul bullfrock. If there's anybody in Eastbrook you've got to watch out for a sharp trade. It'll be you, not me. Speak of the devil and he'll hear you. Matthew, if what I said applies to you, take it to heart and mend your ways. If it don't, then don't feel your toes got stepped on. It's funny how tender a man's toes can get. Speaking of tender toes, ain't you kind of forgetting that sow you sold me that was barren and never had no pigs? Ain't you forgetting that I didn't want to sell her? You most busted your britches you had to buy her, so. You didn't say she was barren. You didn't ask. What would I be wanting with a barren sow? How should I know? The world's full of darn fools. Maybe you wanted to keep her for a pet. Anyway, I didn't charge you more than she was worth for me, much. If you hadn't been so eager to skin me, the price I was asking would have been less. Look, Mr. Warren, Mr. Tucker, Claudia and I want to buy a cow, but we don't want to be the occasion for two neighbors to have ill feelings. Two neighbors between whom we live. Who's corn? We ain't corn. Now, Jerry talks a lot, but he don't mean nothing by it. Oh, I don't, hey? Well, let me tell you one thing, Mr. Warren. Mr. Warren, just what cow did you have in mind selling to us? No, probably some old moth eating bag of bones with the heaves and staggers and blind on two feet. Well, I was going to let you pick your choice out of the four animals this end of the line. Oh, called out your polewins, did you? But after Jerry's remarks, I sort of think I'll let you pick any animal in the herd that's like your fancy. Of course, we'll have to negotiate the price. I thought there was some hitch and kink into it. We might pick out your best cow. Then, Miss Naughton, you'll be buying a very good cow. I'm sure we would. Hey, why don't you just look up and down the line by yourselves? I've got some feet to throw down to the calves, and when I come back, I'll tell you anything you want to know. Trap the old fox at time. Sometimes you use honey to sweeten him up, sometimes vinegar to rile him. Prefer vinegar myself. Gollendanged if we ain't going to buy the best cow in the county. But it doesn't seem fair to Mr. Warren, Mr. Tucker. Fair? Fair, fair. Matt Warren will never starve for anything you do to him. Come on, come on, come on. Time's a-wasting. What do you think of this one here? Oh, I think she's nice. Babes in the woods, she be. Babes in the woods, splayed in the foot, thin in the shoulder, droopy in the eye, long in the couple, slabbed into the ribs, utter poor attached. She's seven years old and a tail shot. Wouldn't look twice this cow. Well, that's a pretty overall and complete diagnosis, Mr. Tucker. Oh, I can diagnose you a cow all right. You got yourselves an expert. I didn't know there could be that much wrong with a cow. And still be alive. Oh, cows go, she ain't bad, but she's a long, long way from the best. Now, before Matt Warren comes back, we got to apply some of this here thing called psychology. On a cow? This is something I would like to see. No, no, no, no, not on a cow. On Matt Warren. Oh. We got to put ourselves in Warren's place and see what he would do. What would you do if you were selling cows? Well, I don't know. I never sold cows. Where would you look for his best cow, son? I don't think I follow you. Oh, just like I says, you two are babes in the woods. Babes in the woods. Warren will have his best cows tucked away off in the far end of the barn in the dark where you'd pass him by without him noticing. Come along now. That's a pretty fundamental lesson in psychology. You men make things so involved. Women are more direct. Oh, look at, look, just like I says. Look this here like brindle there in the corner. Ah, there's a cow. That's a real cow. To me, all cows are gray in the dark. A little garbled, but an apt quotation. However, believe me, darling, this is quite a lot of cow. What's that you say? What's that? Speak up, you youngins. If you don't like that cow, you don't know nothing about cows. Oh, I like her. But not knowing much about cows, I don't know why I'm supposed to like her. Well, just look at her bill. Neat and compact, right womanly she is, right womanly. And her confirmation. That's a big word. Cover a lot of sins and failings, son. Take a cow point by point and then add them up. Well, let's see. She's got a long tail. That's supposed to be good? You tell her, son. Tell her, tell her. Well, in the summertime, Claudia, when the flies are bad, a cow with a short tail can switch them off as well as... Well, Mr. Norton, see your eye, I'm a good cow. This here one here's your Belinda cow. If you didn't know, Jared, you wouldn't be asking. She's a fair cow. She's a fine cow. Fair. A little under-fleshed, ain't she? Makes milk with her feet, not beef. Still a mite more weight for her age. She's got some age into her. Come in five. Only five, you say. Looks to deceive you times. You said you had some calves, Mr. Warren. I wonder if I could see. They're out in the yard there, right behind the door, Mrs. Norton. I'll just look at them, darling, while you and Mr. Warren talk. Oh, that's a woman for you. They're suckers for small things. Calves and little piglets and little baby chicks. All them little things, they sort of gravitate to them. Say, you wouldn't have been hiding this Belinda cow, would you, Matt? Not hiding, exactly. Ah, stand here in the dark. We might pass her by. Well, you might have liked something better. Ah, sooner, you mean. Not better. This here's your cow, Mr. Norton. You might fasten your eye to. She'll milk you close to 30 pounds a day. Still better, 40, when she's fresh. She'll milk you 7 or 8,000 pounds in a year. 10,420 last year. That's quite a cow. Probably average better in 4% butterfat. Good jerseys of butter factory. 5.3% less lactation. And she's no more than, I should say, six years old. Come in five on the 21st of January. Matthew, you didn't tell a single lie. Mr. Norton and I tried to trip him, but he'd give you the whole truth. Story's printed with a record and last month's herd book. Mr. Warren, if you'd be willing to sell this cow... When I got mad at Jared, I made an agreement with you. You could buy any cow I got. Now, don't back away from a word once I give it. Give the devil his due. I got that to say for Matthew here. Well, nevertheless, Mr. Warren, I wouldn't like you to feel bound by what you said. If you'd like to leave out this cow, I... When you've got an advantage, keep a hold on it. Mr. Norton, I thank you for saying what you did. It was right neighborly. And don't believe Jared is as mean and as cantankerous as he makes out to be. He and I... I'll be just as mean and cantankerous as I want to be. And don't you try to honey me up. Go on, sell your cow, buy your cow, see if I care. Mean and cantankerous. Thou hast said it, Jared. David, have you bought the cow yet? Oh, you haven't bought it. What are you blabbering about, girl? Change your mind. Women, women, women, and they're changing minds. You haven't bought it yet. Well, I guess you could say I've never been quite so close to buying one. Well, then don't. Why? I've just seen the cow I want to buy. Mr. Warren will sell her. Don't know nothing about cows. And all be yourself, she's found the cow she's got to have. Yes, I have. Babes in the woods, probably seen a bull calf and hitched her fancy ought to it. Please come and look at it, David. You won't want to look at any other cow. All right, darling. This, this, this is the craziest cow trading I ever been mixed up into. Look, there she is. Come, girl. Come on, girl. Isn't she beautiful? Well, I'll be galldanged. Eh, yeah. Just simply galldanged. Eh, yeah. Babes in the woods and a guiding angel lead you. Miss Nutton, I know you don't know nothing about cows, but will you kindly tell me how knowing nothing about cows you come to pick this one? Well, I, I know it sounds sort of silly, but David, you won't laugh at me. No, darling, I won't laugh at you. Well, she has such nice eyes and such a sweet expression on her face and she's so pretty looking and graceful when she walks. And? And she follows me and she seems to like me. Don't you, girl? See? Well, I'll be galldanged. Well, she looks like a good cow. I thought you sold her, Matthew. I dicked around some, but finally backed away from the trade. So I didn't like to sell her. I guess I've sold her now. Tell the Noughtons about her, Matthew. She's the queen. The queen. She's that which there ain't no better than. She's the nun Pirelli. Long meadow, majesty, smoky smile-hacks. She won a hat full of silver medals and enough gold medals to make a necklace out of them. Say, say it again, Miss Noughton. Say what? What you said about this here cow. That she had nice eyes and a sweet expression? Nice eyes and a sweet expression. And she picks the galldangedest cow in the country. Miss Noughton, you couldn't have said no finest thing about the queen. Well, sir, Mr. Noughton, I hope, I hope, I hope you've learned your lesson. I have. What lesson, Mr. Tucker? When you and I go out buying cows, we take Mrs. Noughton with us. All she has to do is look in their eyes. I'll be galldanged. One of the pleasures of having a home is being able to ask folks in for an evening's visit. But that pleasure escapes women who think they have to go to no end of trouble preparing refreshments. Next time you invite people over, make things easy for yourself. Serve ice-cold Coca-Cola. Your guests will enjoy the pause that refreshes, and so will you. Order a case of Coke, and your hospitality preparations are made. Well, gangs ever hear tell us such things. No, I never did, Mr. Tucker. Pretty looking in size, walks gracefully. By Jiminy Cricket, she picks the best cow in the herd. Well, son, you and I, no, you tell a good cow by its... But Mrs. Noughton only has to look in their eyes. Well, that she did, that she did. Little lady has a great flair for cow flesh, a great flair, but... What's the but? But there's many slip-twicks a cup in the lip, or as you might say, between picking out a fine cow and agreeing to the price of her. When we get to that point tomorrow, then the real trading begins. Well, you couldn't keep me away, Mr. Tucker. When you and Matthew Warren really go to trading, I'll bet you that's something, and I'll be there. Every day, Monday through Friday, Claudia comes to you transcribed with the best wishes of your friendly neighbor who bottles Coca-Cola. So listen again tomorrow at the same time. And now this is Joe King saying au revoir. And remember, whoever you are, whatever you do, wherever you may be, when you think of refreshment, think of Coca-Cola. For Coca-Cola makes any pause the pause that refreshes. And ice-cold Coca-Cola is everywhere. This broadcast of Claudia was supervised and directed by William Brown Maloney. And now here's a word from your friendly neighbor who bottles Coca-Cola.