The Irene Dunn Fred McMurray Show. Starring Irene Dunn as Susan and Fred McMurray as George. Together in a gay new exciting comedy adventure, Bright Star. It's the Irene Dunn Fred McMurray Show with Irene Dunn as Susan Armstrong, editor of the Hillsdale Morning Star and Fred McMurray as George Harvey, her ace reporter. It's Sunday in Hillsdale, ordinarily a day of peace and quiet at the Hillsdale Star. It's George's turn to spend Sunday in the office. George has his feet up on the desk as he chats at great length with Susan over the telephone, while Sammy the copy boy listens in idly. How is George to know that at this very moment something very chic, very classy, very dangerous to man has just blown into town and is in a telephone booth trying to get George and just getting a busy signal? Oh, how can he be talking to so long on Sunday? Doesn't he realize he's keeping an old flame burning up? Oh, same old George, always in demand even on Sunday. Here goes once more dreamily. Well, I guess that's about all I've got to report, Susan, except that some former colleagues of ours are slightly pouring into town. Oh, yes, the, yes, I know what you mean, the... The Association of Former College Editors is arriving via plane, train, oxcart and coaster wagon for a three-day convention. Are you waving a small pen at them as they arrive for Old Lang Syne? Too much Old Lang Syne is a sign of old age, looking backward instead of forward. Well, in that case, could you look forward having brunch at my house today? Food? Free? Bring Sammy with you. Sammy? Yeah, Sammy. Yes, Mac will answer the phone till you get back. But Sammy will devastate the larder. Yeah, but what will you eat? Well, I'm counting on your table manners to ruin my appetite. See you soon. Bye. We booked up for some gratis grub? We are, Sammy, and don't go making a pig of yourself. Why, Mr. Harvey, you know I always try to be just like you. Well, don't stuff yourself, that's all. How can I? You got the reach on me. If you don't see what you want, boys, ask for it. I always say. This is really living, Miss Armstrong. Brunch with the boss. My felicitations, patients, for these mushrooms and eggs. A pit to myself. The eggs? Yes, but they're not toadstools. Sometimes you never can tell. Oh, yes, you can. But one thing you can tell by the firmness. If the victim is firm, rigor mortis has set in and they were toadstools. Uh-uh, the coroner's office. Oh, and none of this morbid persiflage. Laugh. Miss Armstrong's residence. Mr. Harvey, would you please pass me that hunk of toast? I'll match you for it. Yeah, it's easier. For you, Georgie Boy. Bring the phone right over here to the table, patients. Oh, how do I know? I can tell you that. Oh, thanks. Hello? Dreamy lips. I'm sorry, I must have the wrong number. I'm calling you and I've got the right number at last. I tried to call you at the office and they gave me this number. Who is this? Don't you remember? The only girl in the world. Whistle it for me. I mean, who? Sonia. Sonia who? I'm interested too. Canoe? I can row a boat, canoe. Canoe, canoe. What an odd name. Oh, canoe. Yeah, the Hiawatha Dayline, remember? Sonia Pickwick. How are you, Pickles? Just twice as attractive as ever. If you can imagine anything so ravishing. Truth to tell, I can't, Sonia. I've got a problem. Name's Saman Wilfix. I'm here for the college editor's convention and I never dreamed I wouldn't be able to get a hotel room. I've no place to go, darling. Where are you now? In a phone booth. I phone every hotel in town. Well, I'll tell you what, Sonia. Meet me at the office of the Morningstar in half an hour and you just leave it all to me. Wonderful. Bye. Goodbye, Pickles. Well, that was Pickles. Those were Pickles if you're a stickler for grammar. It appears to me he's more interested in grammar's granddaughter than in grammar, it appears to me. I went to college with Sonia. Learn anything? Old flame of mine. Flame? Strike a match? Well, almost. We were engaged. Engaged? Say, I'd have you married. Well, I didn't think you were engaged for a high wire act. Sounds like the same old Sonia. How old? Same crazy kid. Susan, can Sonia stay here with you for three days during the convention? Well, George... The hotels are jammed. She can't get a room in town. Well, sure, George, if she's a good friend of yours. If she weren't, I wouldn't have asked you. Sammy, Sonia, will you go get me an aspirin there on the bathroom windowsill? Okay, Patience. Talk slow, folks, so I can get in on the tail end of this fascinating gossip. Let's see. I could move in with Patience and give Sonia my room. Oh, that's great. Thanks. Oh, dear. Sammy, I'd better go after him. I've come to think of it, I don't know where the aspirins are now. I presume Pickles has her own toothbrush. I presume, but if she hasn't, I can go out and buy her one. Oh, you're so resourceful. Thank you. And George, about the canoe. Oh, yeah. It turned over. Well, lovely college day sweetheart struggles in water. Yeah, yeah. She would have drowned, too, if she hadn't finally broken my hold on her. Hey, hey, I'm going out. What is this? Hey! What's going on up there? It's rather a powerful reaction just from aspirin, isn't it? Is there an amateur locksmith in the house, perchance? Is that Sammy making all that noise? Sammy is locked in the bathroom. But how? Securely. And only two weeks supply of soap. Hey, how about it? I'm going out. Oh, dear, I fear the worst. Why? Come on. Hey, hey! Sammy, Sammy, listen to me. Sammy, try lifting up on the doorknob. It's a very temperamental door and... dry it. No soap, Sammy? Plenty of soap. Two weeks supply. I'm going out. Oh, dear, this happened once before. We'll get you out, Sammy. How about a rid of Havas corpus? How about a screwdriver? Yeah, we can take off the lock. It won't work. Well, what did you do when it happened before? Went to a hotel. Well, what about who was ever trapped in there? It locked with nobody inside. Well, how did you get it open then? The weather turned cold and dry and the door shrank. Hey, I got stools tomorrow. Chin up, Sammy. The weather will be cold and dry in about three months. So will I. Susan, Susan, I just happened to think... Accidents are always among us. How can... how can Sonia stay here if we can't get Sammy out? Well, where will Patience and I stay? I've got to get down to the office. Deserters. Sonia's meeting me there. Give her my love. I've got to stall her somehow until we get Sammy out of there. Do what you can with the door for the time being. What... what... what's... where are you going, George? I'll put this thingy off. George! Oh! George! Oh! Oh, dear, are you hurt? No, I just broke a new old post, that's all. Is that a bone or part of the stand? Well, whatever it is, it hurts. So long and hold the fort. I'll be back later. Sonia! George, darling! Oh, Figgles, I'd have known you anywhere again. Oh, let me feast my eyes on you, you hulking newspaper man, you. You haven't changed a bit, except maybe more so. Come on, give me one of those great big varsity-type kisses. Come on! Hmm. Hmm. You wonderful, beautiful man. Are you married? Well, you might have asked that first, Sonia, but no, no, I'm not. You wonderful, eligible fellow. Here, let me get the lipstick off your mouth. Well, I have arranged to get you into a place for three nights you'll be here. There. What did you say? I said I have arranged to get you into a place for the three nights you'll be here, but you can't move in until, well, tonight, maybe. You found a hotel? No, not exactly. Oh, you're giving me your little apartment while you sleep in the park. No, no, that's strictly unlawful. Well, then what? Well, look, you haven't even been down to the General Grant Hotel to meet your old colleagues in former college paper editing. Well, after that what? Well, look at the town, have dinner, take in a movie maybe. And then what? Then home sweet home. Where? It's a surprise. If you've dug up some fourth rate fleabag for me to say... Oh, no, no, no, you'll see. You'll be pleased. Well, hand me the screwdriver, Patience, and we'll see what's what. Uh-uh, let me eat one side. I'm getting hungry again. We'll feed you somehow. We'll get a locksmith or something. That's cannibalism. It's Sunday, Sammy. You can't get work done on the Sabbath. Well, there's something. Here goes right now. Patience. Good grief. And again. No, Patience, no. That door knob, you've got to come off. That's the first thing. Well, don't stab it to death. This door happens to be over 175 years old. Yeah. This door? Oh, at least. What? It must have been hanging up here in the air for a long time before this house got built around it. Well, this door came from an old colonial house, the Miller House, George Washington's headquarters just before the Battle of White Plains. Who won? Well, the British, I think. But it's a lovely old door with all that wonderful American history. It's the best thing in the house, so you have to go easy with it, Patience. George Washington touched this very door knob? Very possibly. Oh, golly. Here, you take the screwdriver. Well, I'll try it anyhow. Ouch. Oh, you nicked it. You nicked it. That's my hand. Oh, who cares about your hand? Look at that fine old door. I'm going for Mr. Werbeaugrass, the handyman. That fine old American door. Patience, you stay with Sammy and answer the phone. And if George calls, insult him roundly for me. It'll be a real pleasure, Miss Susan. Patience. George Washington himself in person. My good woman. Four score and several years ago. Hey. Oh, okay. Coast's clear, sonny boy. Hi. Zo. Some hoax, huh, kid? Miss Susan went out for the handyman. I'll cross him up to all right, all right. Look, you've got to stay locked in there until this Sonia Pickwick dame pulls out of town. And with no place to stay, she'll leave all right pronto. I'd like to glimpse of Sonia, babe. Oh, she's an old flame. We've got no room for old flames coming between Georgie Boy and Miss Susan. Oh, I was just going for the handyman and bumping into you. I've been sold at a hotel for a while. Jesus, it's Sam. Inside. I'm starved. Inside there, pinhead. I ran into George down the street. Did we hear a door close or something? Three prostitutes. Hey, I'm worn out. All right, Sammy. Well, screwdriver. Screwdriver. Pliers. Pliers. Hammer. Hammer. Ow. Well, to work. Now back to our stars, Irene Dunn and Fred McMurray in the second act of our story. Aha, it seems that Sammy's being locked in the bathroom of Susan's house is a plot between Sammy and Patience to keep Sonia Pickwick from staying in town. George has disposed of Sonia temporarily and has returned to try to get the stubborn door open. Susan and Patience standing by with advice and nervous twitterings. Hey, say I'm worn out. I'm worn out. We're working on it, Sammy. Built this door anyhow. Safe company? Stonewall Jackson. That's not what I said, Patience. Something like that. The door was in George Washington's headquarters before the Battle of White Plains. That's what I said. Aye, standing corrected. I doubt it. Why? If this door was in George Washington's headquarters, he must be still trying to get out. Easy there, boy. Well, I can't work on this if I have to keep a velvet cloth between the screwdriver and the job. I can't get the screwdriver in the screw slot. How about a smaller screwdriver? If we ever get this door open again, burn it. Will you promise me burn it? How's it going out there, rescue unit 11XB9? Shut up. Thank you. Don't get yourself locked in. Watch it, Bob. Yes, be careful, George. Be careful, George. You know how old that door is. 250 years. 175. Time off for good behavior, huh? You call this good behavior? Do you know who Miles Standish was? Do you? Oh, introduce me some other time. He's the one who didn't marry Priscilla Mullins. Mullins. Mullins. He was carried home from an enemy fight on this very door. Oh, I don't know about that case. Now, the Indians should have burnt Standish to a cinder in this door with him. Fine thing to say about an early American. If he'd been on the wrong side of this door, he'd have been plenty late. Ouch. George, you're simply ruining that old brat. I quit. I quit. Well, what about Sonia? Oh, yes, Sonia. Hand me the screwdriver again, patience. I mean, shouldn't you be getting back to her? Yeah, that's right. I've got to get back to her. What are you going to do about her, George? I don't know. I'll just have to stall her, I guess. Let me get this straight. This Sonia is now a horse? Horse? You said stall her. Very funny, patience. Very jolly. Now, she's just trying to make the best of the situation, George. Hey, I'm hungry. I'll get something for you, Sammy. Look, I'll phone you from the office or the hotel. Well, we'll keep on trying for a locksmith. Well, offer him anything. All right. Sammy? Yeah? If I fail to see you alive again, it's been a nice, warm relationship. Goodbye. Sammy? Standing by. We're going to pass a rubber tube under the door. When we say go, inhale on it. Maldon milk. What flavor? Chocolate. What other flavors do you got? Now, Sammy, you drink this and like it. Grab the tube. Got it. All away? How does it taste? Like a chocolate-malted milk with rubber in it. Hey, how about a couple of thin cookies slipped under the door? This is like the old college dances, isn't it, George? I got to make a phone call. You never did when we danced in college. I got to make a phone call. Some woman? Yeah, sort of. Can't you tell anymore? You had an eye for the girls in school, all right? I got to make a phone call. Will you excuse me, Sonia? Yes? Susan, how's the door coming? Doing as well as can be expected. Well, now, look, pretty soon Sonia gets tired of dancing, see? Yes. And she wants to know where does she rest her weary head tonight, see? I see. Well, where does she? Well, I can't get a locksmith for love or money, George. Well, there's just one thing left to do then. Well, say goodbye to Sonia for me, too. You'll have to call the fire department. The fire department? Call the department. Have them get Sammy out of there within the hour. George, I can't drum the fire department a quarter for that. But Susan... What will people say? What? What will our rival paper say? But Susan... Morning Star Editor spends taxpayers' money on old door sticks. Look, call the department. I'm a taxpayer too, you know. Well... They'll climb in and heist Sammy out. The windows are too small, George. Oh, you shouldn't have fed him. Now they'll have to chop him out. All right, George. I'll be over within the hour. All right, George. With Sonia. All right, George. The fire department? But nations. Over my dead body. We owe it to George to make every effort to free Sammy so Sonia can stay here tonight. I don't care about Sonia. Well, George cares about her. Have the fire department back there trucks over my flower beds and back there. Well, I'll get a man to fix them for you. Tramp all over the beds. I work my poor old hands to the bone. I'll get two men to fix them. They'll never be the same. But... Okay. Okay. Call the department. Please, please don't take that Joan the woman attitude. Go ahead. Call the department. I don't care. I'll just find another house and start a new garden. Start a new life. Patience, before you whip the blindfold off your eyes to face the firing squad, listen to me, will you? Go ahead. Call the looking ladder. You're being utterly unreasonable about this whole thing. All right, but you can't fire me. I quit. Patience, nobody is firing you. I'll find a new place. I've worked all my life. I know. I love to work. I know, I know. I'll get by. Now, patience, listen, listen. Stop being childish. We all love you and we wouldn't dream of letting you go. So there. A lifetime of loyal service and I get the game. I'll get the game. I'll get the game. I'll get the game. I'll get the game. I'll get the game. And I get the gate over a door. You do not. Like the old saying says, Sig transfers Gloria Mundi. Sig transits Gloria Mundi. It's Latin. Well, it's your spread to the US, all right. I'll go pack my imitation alligator satchel. Stop patience. All right, you win. We won't let the gallant fire eaters eat up your garden. Can we chop the door down? Chop the door down? Chop the door down. Chop down the door. Are you bereft or something? Yes, I think I am. Milestandish. That brave early American who was George Washington over my dead body. Oh, heavens. Chop down the door they carried George Washington off on. I should say not. All right, all right. That's out too. Everything's out. Only Sammy's in. That must be George. With pickles. And other delicate tests. Answer the door, patience. All right, George, we can talk here in the kitchen. How do you like Sonia? Oh, very, Dash. Where's Sammy? Sleep upstairs. That's good. He's been through quite an ordeal. Where's he sleeping? I would presume in the bathtub. In the bathtub? Didn't you call the fire department? No. Why not? Why not? I can't hear what... Why didn't you call them? Ask the daughter of the American Revolution upstairs. Patience? Since I told her the door's history, she won't let me touch it. She's beginning to think she's Molly Pitcher. What are we going to do? You can sleep in your car, in the park, or in the watering trough because Patience and I are going to sleep in your apartment tonight. Let Sonia in with you. It'll be crowded enough as it is. I've stopped worrying about Sonia, George, while I'm still on the bright side of sanity. George? George? Sweet lip? After that, I think I'll lie down to settle my stomach. George? Will Susan jump in my room now? What'll I do? What'll I tell her? With the birds on the wing, the snails on the thorn, Sammy locked in the bathroom, all's right with the word of. Oh, there you are. Hi. Oh, I've had such a hard day. Would you show me my room, Susan? George? Uh, well, Sonia, what do you say we do the towel, huh? All night. Oh, darling, I'd love to, but tomorrow's another day, isn't it? Your move, George. Why are you two standing around like the butler after the bullet-riddled body is found in the pantry? Uh, Sonia, we've got no place for you. No place for me? No. I thought. Well, Sammy is locked up, you see. Never mind your rostrum about pals. What about me? Well, Sammy is our office boy, you see. I'm not interested in your juvenile delinquent help. He's locked in the bathroom. Yes. What to do until the sheriff comes, eh? Well, I always say. He's been there all day. Yes. Here in this very house. And he's likely to be there all night. And a good part of tomorrow. In indefinitely, maybe, until the dry weather makes the door shrink. Do you mean I can't stay here tonight? Nobody stays here tonight. George, you hulking idiot. Well, I wouldn't say hulking. Leave it all to you. You whistle-stopped journalist. You phony idiot. Man of the world harvey, I wouldn't marry you if you were the last man in the world. I wasn't going to ask you. Prudence, call me a taxi. Her name is Patience, and she isn't taking orders from you. And she's liable to call you much worse than that. Never mind. I'll do it myself. Goodbye. Sonia. I should have remembered. You said you could paddle a canoe once, too. Well, sick transit, Sonia Pickwick. You know, I think Sonia's vexed. Come in or something. Hi-ho, everybody. Hello, Sammy. Sammy. Well, how did you get out? I don't know. How'd he touch the old doorknob and the door just naturally swang open? Maybe I can get Sonia to come back. I'm hungry. Hey, now that you mention it, so am I. Well, then let's have dinner right now. Make it a day with Susan. Fine dinner. Sorry about Sonia. She'll eat, too. Girls like Sonia always eat. Caviar. With mink napkins. I'll get it, Patience. Patience? Where's Sammy? Upstairs, tinkering with that door. Hello? Who? Who? Not Chester Abernathy. Well, for heaven's sake. Muscles. How are you after all these years? What? Oh, yes, I know about the hotel situation. Well, why don't you come over here? Yes, the address in the phone book's right. We'll figure out something for you. Yes. Well, hurry. Be wonderful to see you, Chad. Bye. Well, George, that was Chester Abernathy, my old college sweetheart. Well. And guess what? What? He's in for the convention, too, and he can't get a room. Oh, that's too bad. Of course, there's always that watering trough you were talking about. No, no, Patience and I can sleep over at your little place. And where is Patience? She went upstairs while you were giving Muscles the big hello. Oh, and you and Chester can stay here. You love Chester. Oh, I bet. And you're so pretty and such fun to be with. Oh, good. Hey, what's this with this door? I want out. I want out. Oh, George, Sammy's in there again. Oh, no. Look, save time and grief and call the fire department right away. The fire department? Fire department? I heard that over my dead body. Patience. But Susan, sauce for the goose, you know, is sauce for the gander. Hey, I want out. Give me liberty or give me death. Let me out of here. Our stars Irene Dunn and Fred McMurray will be back in a moment. That is a lovely old door, Susan. Beautiful. It's a real early American. Solid cherry. However, I think I have heavy news for you. Oh, well, let's have it. I got interested in early America and wired White Plains, New York, the Miller House, you know. Washington's headquarters. Yeah. Well, how are things at the Miller House? Intact. They aren't missing any doors up there. They're not? No, no. You've been deceived. It isn't a genuine Miller House door. I know, George. What? I know. But it was important to make patients think it was, wasn't it? Who knows? She might have gotten it open. Irene Dunn and Fred McMurray will be back next week in another exciting comedy adventure in the gay new series, Bright Star. This is Wendell Niles inviting you to join us then. Thank you. Thank you.
