The Irene Dunn Fred McMurray Show. Starring Irene Dunn as Susan and Fred McMurray as George. Together in a gay new exciting comedy adventure, right star. The Irene Dunn Fred McMurray Show with Irene Dunn as Susan Armstrong, owner and editor of the Hillsdale Morning Star, and Fred McMurray as George Harvey, her ace reporter. Things as usual are happening in the offices of the Morning Star, and as usual, they're happening to Susan and George. Here he is, Miss Armstrong. Well, Mr. Harvey, I suppose you have a good reason for not answering the phone in your office. Best reason in the world. I wasn't in my office. That wasn't funny, Sammy. Yes, ma'am. I was in a delightful touch of the pixie about it, but we could be wrong, eh, Sammy? Yes, sir. Would I be overstepping my authority if I inquired where you were? Perfectly within your rights, boss. I was down in the basement playing a little gin with the printers. Last week it was poker with the circulation department. Today it's gin with the printers. Probably working yourself up to matching pennies with the newsboys. That wasn't funny, Sammy. Yes, sir. Sammy will decide those things for himself. Yes, boss. But you haven't turned up a first-class story in a long while. Well, it's this town, not me. Nothing happens. Have you been to the police department lately? No. Well, you know, it's just possible you might get a story there. Well, frankly, boss, I can't afford the police department. What do you mean? They play sharper gin than the printers downstairs. If you'd care to giggle, Sammy, she said you were on your own. Thank you, Sammy. George, I'll expect you back here in an hour. From where? The police department. And try to bring back a story. I promise. I can see the headline now. Underpaid reporter cleaned by the city's finest. Or, uh, cops cop coppers from Cub. Ha ha ha ha! The Police Department The Police Department The Police Department Excuse me, Harvey. Sergeant Barry. Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Okay, take one of the squad cars. Have a look. Anything hot, Sergeant? Ah, some kid shooting tin cans with BB guns. What's wrong with that? Yeah, the cans happen to be on the shelves of the Acme grocery company. Well, that might make a story, and, uh, again, it might not. Hey, uh, Sergeant, I heard a little rumor the other day, uh, just wondering about it. Yeah, so? A couple of big-time gamblers in town. You can hear anything. Joe and Dave Roberti and some of their boys. They're staying at the Grandview Motel. Well? I want to do something about it. Like what? How should I know? You're the law. Until I kill somebody, I can't even get them for income tax evasion. They've been here for five days. I can count. What do they want? How would I know? Why don't you ask them? I did. What did they say? They didn't seem to want to tell me. Unfriendly, huh? Well, sooner or later, the Morning Star will find out why they're here. You're a fool to read, don't you? Everything, including the riot act. And if you're not out of here... Don't get excited, Sergeant. I was just on my way. George, take your feet off my desk. Sorry. Tell me, what do you think? What do I think? I think you're beautiful. That isn't what I meant. Well, it's what I meant. I was talking about the old Collins place. I'm not sure I remember it. Well, it's that big, dark, dilapidated old house down on the riverfront. Hasn't been lived in for 30 or 40 years. It was once considered the showplace of the town, but now it's a wreck. You know that place at the end of Dock Street. Oh, yeah, yeah, I remember. Broken windows, roof bare of shingles, paint washed away, front porch caved in. Yes, that's the place. Well, what do you want me to do? Paint it? No. I just want you to spend the night in it. Spend the... Why? Because you don't think it's haunted. Do you? George, I'm simply looking for a story. Now, don't you think it's a civic duty of the Morningstar to investigate? Investigate something you just dreamed up? Well, in a sense, no doubt. What's the matter, you afraid? Am I afraid to spend the night in the old Collins house? That's a fair question. George, I'm half inclined to do it with you. If you have a free evening, can't we think of something better to do than that? We could take flashlights and sandwiches. And bottles. And guns. Oh, guns, sugar. Wait a minute, Susan. You don't mean we're actually going to do this idiotic thing? Of course I could cover the story myself. Okay. Am I a man or am I a hired hand? Good. I'm glad you look at it so sensibly. Yeah. How about dinner on you? Okay. Here goes another half buck. Come on, ghost hunter. Susan Dowell. Miss Armstrong. Miss Armstrong, I've got to make a phone call. Would you excuse me? Keep my dinner warm for me. Police. Sergeant Barry, please. Sergeant Barry. This is George Harvey. Say, Sarge, this call is maybe for nothing, but I just got a hunch. Is there anything you can tell me about that old Collins place down on the riverfront? Yeah, all I know is the last few weeks it's been a pain in the neck. Why? Anonymous phone calls, 8, 10, 12 maybe. Investigate streams, gunshots, light suspicious characters. Somebody with a sense of humor, I guess. Yeah, my hunch was right. And every time we went through the place from top to bottom. What did you find? Nothing, exactly nothing. Not even a ghost? Not even a ghost of a ghost. It'll be a long time before we answer another call about that place. Is that what you want to know? Not especially, Sergeant, but thanks anyway. To make your call? Yeah. Susan, what a sneaky thing to do. You knew all about those anonymous calls to the cops? Oh yeah, the Corps. The Corps, she says. Angry, aren't you? Angry? No, I'm just scared. Maybe that place is haunted. What do you think goes on in that broken down palace? Well, I don't know, but if we find out, that's what I want for the Sunday feature. Come on, let's pack up our ammunition and go. Well, here we are. I think it's going to rain. It is raining. I knew I couldn't be wrong. Lightning. Thunder. Light again. Want me to hold your hand? The hand of the editor and publisher of the Morning Star. Yes. Thunderstorms scare me to death. Do you mind if I seem to be pressing my face against your chest? No, not at all. It isn't raining rain, you know. It's raining cats and dogs. I've heard it sung better. And if it's raining, have no regrets. There will be puddles out in the streets. Regrets? Well, I'm a reporter, not a poet. And the shower has passed for the moment anyway. Yes, so it has. Now we're here, we go right into that black, deserted hulk of unknown tears. No wonder people think it's haunted. George, look. Yeah, it looks like somebody's moving around in there with a light. Yeah. Well. George, what are you going to do? Editors and publishers ask the silliest questions. Now, George, wait. I'm coming too. Well, here's the door. Why don't you go back to the car, Susan, and try to act like a good girl? Because I'm not a good girl. I am the editor and publisher of the fastest growing paper this... Susan. You're fired. In subordination. Well, stop shivering. Or don't shiver so close to me. Makes it harder to pick this lock. Did you ever pick a lock before, George? No, I used to count that day lost when I didn't pick at least... There. I got it. Well, I'm going to go. Listen. Did you hear anything? Yeah, I thought I did, but I... Why doesn't one find out? Anybody home? Susan. That was a shock. That's what it sounded like. What do we do? Write a letter to our congressman. Here, give me that flashlight. Thanks. Now get back in the car and drive to the police station. Go on. George. George, I'm so glad you're not hurt. Won't this make a wonderful story? Sure, sure. I can see the headlines. Reporter not hurt. George, I'm so glad you're not hurt. Won't this make a wonderful story? Sure, sure. I can see the headlines. Reporter not hurt. It'll kill the people and sell enough papers to stop on a medium-sized rat hole. Aren't you, Sergeant? Well, George, anything for publicity. What do you mean? You know how many times we've gone through this dump. We wouldn't have come this time, but it hadn't have been for Miss Armstrong who made the report. She says you hurt somebody's shot. But I did, Sergeant, didn't we, George? We certainly did. And I found the body. It's in there, right at the end of the hall. Dead? Very dead. Let's go, boys. Miss Armstrong, you stay where you are. George Harvey, you come with me. Now tell me, George, what did you find? A man about my size, shot through the head. There's the door. Open it and see for yourself. Where? Where? I don't know, Sergeant. Where's the body? So help me, Sergeant. He was lying here, right here with a hole through his head. Dead. Dead as a smoked herring. And he got up and walked away, huh? That's the way it looks, doesn't it? Also, it looks as if this whole affair was a publicity stunt for the Morningstar. And as for you, Harvey, I'm going to crucify you. I'm going to make a special point of it. Come on, men, let's get out of here. Won't I should get it, Miss Susan? No patience. I'll answer it. Hello? This is Joe Roberto. I want to talk to the lady who runs the paper. The Morningstar? Patience, it's Joe Roberto. The gangster? I run the Morningstar, Mr. Roberto. What can I do for you? Just stay right where you are until I get there. He's coming over here. Well, if I'd have known he was coming, I'd have baked a cake. I never saw a real genuine gangster before. What's he want? Well, I don't know. Well, he'll probably tell you. Patience. Is there a gun in the house? Sure, sure, in the gun room. Trench mortars, bazookas, Tommy guns, 155s. You name it, we got it. You've been listening to too many radio shows, Patience. No gun? No gun. Well, I've got to try and get George. You love him, don't you? George? George. What do you mean, do I love George? Well, don't you? Don't be a fool. I wouldn't. Hello? Is this the editor and publisher of the Hillsdale Morningstar? George, where are you? As it happens, I'm at the office, and I've just been writing you a little note. Shall I read it to you? George. To Susan Armstrong from George Harvey. When I left the charming old Collins Mansion... George, how soon can you get here? No. I'm tired and wet and disgusted. If you want to apologize, you can do it now by phone. Oh, George, you idiot, listen. Joe Roberti called me, and he's coming over here. Joe Roberti? Why? Oh, it's probably nothing more than a little rub-out. Hold everything, Susan. I'll be there. Miss Susan, I suppose you're going to want sandwiches and stuff for your gangster friend. Don't you dare leave this room, Patience. Don't worry. When this Roberti mug comes, I'll be sitting here knitting. Poor old Patience, just minus a few of her buttons. Oh, there he is. I'll go. Hiya. Come in, boys. A couple of friends of mine. It's wet outside. I want to talk to you a minute. It's a nice place you got here. Who's the old dame? Oh, Patience, this is Joe Roberti and a couple of friends of his. How do you do? Hiya. Scram. Scram? Oh, of course. Scram to you, too. Sit down, gentlemen. Well, Mr. Roberti? I got something I want to talk to you about. Yes? It's this guy that works for you. I've got a number of guys working for me, Mr. Roberti. George Harvey. Oh. We want to talk to the both of you. Oh, will you pardon me? Sit down. I'll get it. Well, I'd like to open my own door, Mr.... Sit down. Oh, Mr. Harvey, we was expecting you. But I... Come in. Thanks, I will. Now back to our two stars, Irene Dunn and Fred McMurray, and the second act of our story. Something violent and unfriendly happened to George Harvey's head when he met gangster Joe Roberti at Susan's front door. Now he's slowly, painfully coming to. Oh, my head. Where am I? You're in the living room. Whose lap is my head on? Mine. Susan's? Certainly. You're sure it's my head? Of course it's your head. I was afraid of that. How would you like some hot milk, Georgie? I'd love some hot milk. Just chill it to be low freezing, put it in a rubber bag, and put the bag on my head. Okay, I'll get it. You're all right, George. All right, she said. I'm dying. Why don't you open your eyes? Because I don't feel like it. What's your name? George Harvey. You can open your eyes now, can't you? Oh, yeah. Oh. Hello, Susan Dunn. Miss Armstrong. You look beautiful, even from here. Especially from here. Sit up. Okay, I'm up. Now, what happened, George? Don't you know? Well, Roberti said that when he opened the door, you slipped and fell and hit your head. He carried you in here, and, well, he was really very helpful. Yes, indeed. Helpful old Joe. I'm trying to get it straight in my head. Now, he came here because he knew I'd send for you. Yeah, I suppose so. He could have killed you, couldn't he? No doubt. Instead, he just hit you on the head. That is the impression I got. Oh, now, don't be funny, George. I'm trying to figure this out. Well, let me do it for you. Joe Roberti wants to warn both of us to mind our own business, and he does it without a word spoken or written. He's using a kind of sign language. He gives me a bump on the head and then leaves it to us to figure it out. Well, do you think we ought to call the police, George? Did you see him slug me? The first I knew you were hurt was when he carried you in here. Well, then what kind of a story could I tell? Joe Roberti slugged me. Why? I don't know. If I fed them that yarn, the cops would laugh at me. Ha-ha. Also, yak, I'm laughing too. George, this warning business, of course you mean the Collins place. I don't know what else it could be. Well, then, let's go back there. Let's show them that they can't scare us. We'll even search for the body that wasn't there. It was there, Susan, now. Miss Armstrong. Oh, Miss Armstrong, you're beautiful, and you're a great editor and publisher, but I know when I'm late, and I quit. Hello? Sergeant Barry speaking. Miss Armstrong? Is George Harvey there? Yes, just a moment. Sergeant Barry. Yes, Sergeant? Joe Roberti just called me. Said you bumped your head. Said he was afraid you might need help. Is it bad? I hope. It throbs a little when I talk to you, Sergeant. We had two more anonymous calls, George. Fascinating, I'm sure. One of the calls said there was a fire at the Collins place. Was there a fire? That apartment didn't find any. Another call said somebody was dumping a body in the river. Were they? No, not when we got there. But of course we'll have the entire river dragged from here to the mouth of Mississippi. It shouldn't be more than a couple of thousand miles. Just a second, Sergeant. Why are you mad at me? You're a big-town reporter in a small town, right? Yes, but... I know how you feel about Susan Armstrong. Doesn't it make sense anything to put her paper on the map? Oh, now, wait a minute, Sergeant. You're wrong about this. No, George. When you start making fools of us in the department with all these calls about the Collins place, you're just making a fool of yourself. You'll see. George, I heard enough of that. Sergeant Barry thinks you're responsible for the calls about the Collins place. That he does. He's got it all figured out. But you didn't do it, George, did you? Not even for me. I quit. This is the end. You get yourself another boy. I'm so excited. Can't you see what the scheme is? Certainly, certainly. Naturally, any fool can see what the... What do you think it is? All these calls to the police. The body that disappeared. Don't you see? Oh, of course I see. It's so obvious. Go on. Even Roberti coming and conking you on the head. Now, if you think about it, you can see why, can't you? Oh, it's perfectly plain. But just for the record, I'd like to know... Don't you think that we ought to get to the Collins place just as soon as we can? Yes, if we're right, I mean. Oh, we're right. We're absolutely right. Let's go. Why here? Well, you don't think we ought to stop in front of the place, do you? No, no. Just not. It's raining again. Indubitably. Lightly. Don't worry. If you can hear it, you're okay, you know. Is there going to be any more? No, but I'll be here to protect you. Oh, don't sound so smug. And don't think I know that I'm silly about lightning. I don't think you're silly. I just wish there'd be more of it. Lots more. Let there be lightning and thunder in Hillsdale. Thank you. George! When the lightning flashed, did you see what I saw? On the riverbank? Yeah. I'm not wrong, then. Looked like a barge out there. And they're loading something heavy into the old house. I guess if we called the police, they'd laugh at us, wouldn't they? They certainly would. And I wouldn't be surprised if that's what this whole thing has been about. Cry wolf until the cops won't listen anymore. What should we do? You want to know what I think? What? We ought to go home, go to bed, pull the covers over our heads, and forget that we saw anything. George, what do you think's going on in there? I couldn't have put that question better myself, Susan. How badly do you want this story, whatever it is? Well, what do you mean? Enough to risk getting shot and thrown in the river? You couldn't do that. You're just being melodramatic. We don't even know what or who or why. Not yet, but soon, maybe. Look in the rearview mirror. We're getting out of here. That did it. It's you, Roberti, and those other two. Get out. Hello, Roberti. Out, both of you. Mr. Roberti, I am not you. Thank you, boys. Oh, don't. Sorry, lady. Okay, walk. I thought I'd give you a nice, polite warning to stay away from here, even off the scent for a doctor. I guess that was sweet of you, Mr. Roberti. Wasn't it, George? Yeah, terribly, terribly sweet. I do everything I can to make it easy, and still you gotta come down here and stick your nose in it. It just makes me kind of sick. Poor Joe. Yeah, poor Joe, that's what they say. Poor Joe, just a kind-hearted slob. I'll open the door. Go ahead. Flashlight. Okay. Now you're here, you satisfied? What do you want to see? The cop's been through this joint a hundred times. Come on. Who owns this place, Roberti? Me and my brother. We bought it, and anything we want to do with it is up to us, right? Oh, right, absolutely right. What are you going to do with it? Make it a morgue? Just what happened to the corpse Mr. Harvey saw? That should have been in pictures, huh? I yell, help, fire a shot, and slap a handful of tomato cats up on my forehead. Sure fooled me, Joe. I suppose it was just another stunt to make the cop so tired of this place they'll never go through it again, huh? You want to know something? If somebody was to call the cops right now and tell them to go to the old Collins place because a couple of people from the morning store was being rubbed out, they'd laugh. Laugh, they'd trace the call, and they'd run you in. You have a wonderful sense of humor, Joe. I'm not a cop, I'm a cop. I'm a cop. You have a wonderful sense of humor, Joe. Yeah, I killed myself. Open the door. You wanted to know? Look then. A printing press. You saw it coming off the barge. Smart, huh? Being right here on the river, we can flood the country. Right from here. What's he talking about, George? Counterfeit money? Sure. Is that it, Joe? Or is it greeting cards? Yeah, it gives me an idea. Maybe I'll print some greeting cards too. Valentine's. I'm not a doc, boys. Joe, could I have a word with George? Sure, tell him anything you want. Out there. No shooting. Let's go. He said I could talk to him. Go ahead, talk. George, I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm sorry too. Give me your hand, Susan, will you? You're cold. Can you swim? No. That's what you think. Oh, snap! Here, hang on to me. Hang on to my belt and keep your head up. I've got hold of a piling. I don't care. They can't see us, but they can hear us. With all that gunfire, they're going to have every prowl car in the neighborhood. Yeah, just dump that doc and pull her off winning. You get it? I think so. Throw your gun in the river. We've got to get out of here before they all cave. They won't go through this place again. If they can't, would it be all right to mention the fact that I'm about to drown? Sure, hang on, Susan. If we can get to the next piling, we can get up the bank. Mr. Harvey, what do you read? What paper do you read? Just give it to me, Sammy. Yes, sir. Right off the press. Read all about it. Counterfeit ring smashed, heroic rescue. Sammy. Yes, sir? Just leave the paper here. One copy on Mr. Harvey's desk and one on mine. You don't need to sell it to us, you know. Okay. Okay. I guess I'm just a little bit of a wimp. I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll get it. Okay. Okay. I guess I'm just a copy boy. A jerk, a squirt, a dope, a dummy. So it's wrong to get excited about the biggest story of all time? Sammy, scram. Scram? I know what's going on. You two want to be alone. Ha ha ha ha ha. Well, Sammy's getting to be quite an understanding young man. Yeah, he's learning early. You're not getting any younger, George. Meaning? You just might start learning to understand me. Okay. Teach me. Would this help? Well? Okay, teacher. I'm learning. And you know something? What, George? Wait till the pupil starts giving the teacher lessons. Our stars Irene Dunn and Fred McMurray will be back in just a moment. Eh, nice out here in the porch, isn't it? Nice moon. Cool breeze. Not too cool. Just about right, I'd say. Of course, wearing a coat you wouldn't notice. Notice what? Well, George, the evenings do get a little chilly. Oh, want to go inside? Of course not. Well, if you're cold, I could get you a wrap. Sit still, George. Okay. Susan, about that haunted house story, I think we can get a good follow-up. George. Remember what you said about the pupil giving the teacher lessons? Oh, yeah, yeah. Just an idea I had. Getting chilly out here. And cold. You want my coat? No, just the sleeves. Oh, I get it. How's this, teacher? Wonderful, pupil. Just wonderful. Irene Dunn and Fred McMurray will be back next week in another exciting comedy adventure in the gay new series Bright Star. This is Wendell Niles inviting you to join us then.
