M&J Audio Theater presents Chet Chetters, Tales from the Morgue. Well, come in my friend. Have a seat. Make yourself comfortable. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Chet Chetter, the Morgue Attendant and resident storyteller. Yes. Today we return to Biloxi, home of Elma Korn. He is a full-time manure holler and part-time adventurer. Well, it was a hot summer afternoon on a Sunday, I believe, and Mr. Korn was relaxing on his porch swing, enjoying a glass of lemonade. Ah, Edgum, it is a scorcher today. Shoot off. Yes, sir. It's just plain old hot is what it is, I tell you. Ow! Edgum, mosquitoes trying to carry me off. I nailed that one, though. Of course, it ain't so much the heat, it's the humidity. It's just outrageous. They'd put me in a padded cell if they heard me talking to myself like this. Elmer! Say something. What the heck are you doing out in this heat, boy? Are you going simple or something? I got exciting news, Elmer. Say, can I have a sip of that lemonade? Sure, sure. Here you go. Thanks. Boy, you look bluster. That's right, just drink her on down. I got plenty. Help replace that sweat. There you go. Thanks, Elmer. That hit the spot. I guess I oughtn't to run in this 100 plus heat, but I got so excited, you know. I won a contest, Elmer. Well, jump back. You gonna meet that Edfeller? No, not that contest, Elmer. I saw this one in a bluxy gazette about a month ago. The prize is a cruise in the Gulf Coast. I sent my name and address, and dang if I didn't win, Elmer. Just dang if I didn't win. Well. I just got this postcard here from Galveston telling me about it. Well, you lucky dog. The only thing I ever won was a fig pie at a church raffle one time. I tell you, if I as you had had my chest puffed out like a hen, you got something to brag about, Caesar. Oh, Elmer, I just got lucky, that's all. I wanted to tell you about it first, because the postcard says I can bring two friends. And you're the best friend I've got, Elmer. I wouldn't want to go without you. Well, I tell you, Caesar, that's right thoughtful of you. Dang, I feel like I'm gonna tear up. And I'm due for a vacation, too. I don't want to haul no manure in this heat, I tell you. Hot dung has a powerful stench. Well, then it's settled. You're coming with me. Now I can bring one more person. I was thinking about bringing Bernie Edwards, but you know, he can be such a horse's behind when he puts his mind to it. Yes, sir, he is a concherry cuss. Well, now how about Mrs. Maddox? You know, she's getting on up in years, and this might be the last chance she'll have to do something special. She's a sweet old lady, too. Soft as the earth. That's a great idea, Elmer. I gotta call her up and tell her the news right now. Well, all right. Well, we're gonna have ourselves a dandy time. Sure are. See you later, Elmer. All right, Cecil. I'll start packing my bags right away. The next morning, Mr. Corn and company departed for Galveston in Elmer's pickup truck. At noon, the trio arrived at a predetermined seaport. Here we are. Let me help you out there, Miss Maddox. Come on, Elmer. Well, y'all, here we are. Galveston Island. Oh, I just smell that salt air. It kind of stinks, Elmer. It's those tugboats over there, Miss Maddox. They're hauling garbage. Yeah. I wonder where they dump it. Oh, they got plenty of places to take that stuff to. You know, in 1900, they had a terrible storm down here. Oh, really? Killed 7,000 people, they estimated. That's horrible. Where'd you hear about that, Elmer? Oh, a fella learns a thing or two on the road. You know, I've hauled cowflop down here a couple of times. Oh, really? People down here are real friendly. They like to talk about their history. Well, you don't think it's going to storm here today, do you, Elmer? Oh, shoot far no, Miss Maddox. It's way too hot for that. It is kind of clouding up, Elmer. Oh, those are just cumulonous clouds that the sun are driving right at. Oh, okay. Say, Cecil? Yeah. There's a fella over there by one of them garbage boats holding up a sign with your name on it. Well, I'm a dad gum. I wonder what he wants with me. Well, maybe he knows where the cruise ship is at, Cecil. Well, I know one sure-fine way to find out. Let's go ask him. Kind of a seedy-looking fella, ain't he? Yeah, well, don't mention his wooden legs, Cecil. I'll maybe self-conscious about it. Okay. Excuse me, mister. I'm Cecil Ferris. You've got my name on that little piece of cardboard you're holding there. Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah. You must be hearing about the cruise. Yep. Where's the boat? You're standing in its presence, mister. I'm Captain Buford Van Carleton, at your service. Pleased to meet you, Mr. Van Carleton. You mean to say we're going to go in this here tugboat? Well, it's a garbage scow, actually. I call it the dried scow, for reasons I'd rather not get into. Well, ready to go? I have a bad feeling about this. Now, I know it ain't the Queen Mary, madam, but it'll float just like the big ships. Looks kind of ragged. You think it'll hold together? It will as long as you don't breathe, mister. What? On the level, though, just a little humor to break the ice. On the level, the scab is a fine little tug, a fine one. Well, I'm sure it is, Mr. Van Carleton, but, well, heck, the contest said there's going to be a Gulf cruise. Well, we're going to have to go out into the Gulf to get to the garbage port. You mean to tell me we drove from Biloxi to Galveston to ride in a garbage boat to some smelly dump site? Well, I take it you don't like the idea, huh? Well, it's just false advertising is what it is. A ride in a garbage boat ain't nowhere near a Gulf cruise. Well, now, yes, ma'am, yes, you're right, it certainly isn't. I guess I should explain myself. The fact is I'm an awfully lonely man. I've tried making friends, but who wants to be around a man that smells like garbage? And my peg leg and missing teeth don't exactly impress the ladies. So I cooked up this contest thing and run ads in, well, I don't know how many newspapers across the country. And I got quite a few responses, too. Just pulled a name out of a hat. You were the lucky one, Mr. Ferris. I know it sounds like a fool way to meet people, but, well, I just got so desperate. Well, that's okay, Mr. Van Carlton. You know, Cecil, we come all this way and, well, heck, I never rode in no tugboat before. And I hear you can find a lot of neat stuff in them garbage dumps. What do you say? Heck, let's go, Elmer. Sounds like fun to me. I guess it's settled, Captain. We're ready to take the cruise. Well, well, well, fine, fine. I'll just step aboard the scab here and we'll set sail. Here, let me help you aboard there, madam. Well, now, I told you the scab would float, didn't I? She's a-floating. You enjoying the ride, madam? You look a tad green around the gills there. My stomach's a little bit queasy. Does the boat usually rock back and forth this much? Well, the wind's a little high today, that's all. You'll get used to it, I'm sure. But if you feel like you're going to lose your breakfast, there's a coffee can underneath your seat for just such an occasion. I'll tell you what, after I unload my garbage, I'll take us down to the ship channel. Labrador will see some big ships up that way. Sounds like a winner, Mr. VanCock. Oh, please, please, call me Buford, please. Well, all right, sir. Buford, you've got yourself a real nice little tug here. Well, thank you. It reminds me of my truck. It ain't exactly purdy, but, well, it's got character. Right you are, Mr. Corn, right you are. Yeah, the scab's a little hard on the eyes, I know, but she's a tough little tug. It never once gave me an ounce of trouble in 15 years. What's... what's this noise? The motor shut off. What's wrong? Well, I, uh, I don't know. She's never done this before. I know we have fuel. I can't even get an ignition sound out of her now. It could be we've got salt water in the engine. Damn, go! Well, now there's no need to fret, mister. I'll go check the engine. Just sit tight now. Forget the engine. Look at that cloud ahead of us. Rip my lips off. That's one mean-looking thunderhead. Well, that doesn't look like any thunderhead I've ever seen. It's solid black, and there's a heavy mist underneath it sitting on top of the water. The boat's moving. We're heading for the mist. Miss Maddix is right. We're being pulled right towards it. There's not a thing wrong with the motor that I can see, other than the fact that it isn't running. We're getting awful close to that thing. Katie, bar the door. We're gaining speed. Everybody lay down flat. Lay down flat now. I don't know what's pulling us into that mist, but we're going into it whether we like it or not. Dad gum, lay down, Miss Maddix. Yes, yes, Cecil, yes! Good lord! Are we in a hurricane? I don't think so, Mr. Cord. I've never seen nothing like this in all my years. Look up in the sky. It's a helicopter. Maybe they can go get help. I don't think so, Cecil. That copter's caught up in that storm too. In Jiminy Christmas, the copter blade stopped turning and it's still up there. Ah! Oh, look, Albert, look! Look! Jumping Jehoshaphat. Look at that. Coming from the left. Yes. Tidal wave! Music Coughing Oh, dad gum it. Oh, where am I? Oh, I must have washed up on shore. Sure don't look like Galveston. Looks like some kind of tropical island. It's a miracle I'm alive after that tidal wave at Merciful Heavens. That tidal wave. Where is everybody? Hey, hey, Cecil! Mrs. Maddix! Albert! Albert, we're over here in these bushes. We need help! Okay, Cecil. I'm coming. Hang tight, boy. Oh, dang! Why, sure glad to see y'all. I thought y'all might have been dead. We might just wind up that way. Look at what's sitting on top of that rock! Jump back. What a cat. Cat heck! It's some kind of giant tiger. Me and Mrs. Maddix went into these bushes looking for you. And we walked right upon the thing sleeping. And you woke it up, huh? Ten-four. It's been sitting there on that rock looking at us like we're about to be its next meal. Oh, dear. What are we gonna do? Well, we ain't gonna do nothing to rattle it. That's for one thing. Easy there, kitty. You don't want to eat us. We're all skin and bones here. Dang, that kitty's got a set of teeth. If I didn't know better, I'd swear he's one of them pre-asterical kind. It's hunching up, Amber. I think it's gonna pounce. Oh, Lord, save us! Ah! Ah, bullseye. And yum! Its head blowed up. Correction, sir. It was I who relieved the beast of its head. Oh, it's a lucky thing my gun was operational. Well, I haven't fired it in about a hundred years. Well, thank you, mister. You were just in the nick of time. And Mr. Buford, you're alive! Yeah, it was touching gold there for a while, Mr. Corn, but I managed to swim ashore. Yes, Mr. Van Carton arrived about an hour before you did. He explained you had quite an experience with the storm. Yes, sir. That's an understatement. Say, could you tell us where we're at? I never saw this island on my Galveston road map. Well, that is because it doesn't exist. Not in the real world, in any case. I'll explain everything later. Come with me, will you? I found a strange metallic object in the clearing over here. Oh, there's some strange-looking weeds around here. Yes. A lot of cobwebs. Yes. There it is over there. See the object? Heck. Heck, that's that helicopter we saw, Cecil. Dead gum in hell, but you're right. Um, helicopter? What does it do? Well, it flies. Oh, yes. Yes, it flies, right. Very amusing, sir. Well, there appears to be a man inside the object. I believe he's unconscious. Dead gum! There's a lot of monkeys around that helicopter. Oh, no. I just hate monkeys. Yes, well, they are not monkeys. They are prehistoric men. They are merely curious, that is all. Here now. Here now, clear away from that object right away. Clear away. Shoot. I believe the man is coming to you now. Hey. Hey, man. Hey. Hey, where am I? Now, now, now, settle down. You're going to be quite all right. Org Morgue, come here. Help this man into the cave. Let us all go into my cave, shall we? We'll build a nice fire and we'll cook the saber-toothed tiger that I shot. That was a prehistoric animal. I knew it. Right you are, sir. I'll explain everything after the meal. Now, let us go. The mastodons come around to drink about this time, and we would not want to be in their way. Wait till you hear the story about this place, Mr. Corden. You won't believe it is. So you're saying you landed on this island over a hundred years ago? That is correct. 1870, to be exact. You see, I'm an archaeologist. Sebastian Scott is my name. I left Europe on an expedition to the island that you call Galveston. I had hoped to find some artifacts of the Karankawa Indians that had once inhabited that area. I took a small sailing vessel and six fellow scientists with me. It was a long journey, but at last the island was in sight. And then the storm hit. Oh, the storm. Dark mist, lots of wind. Exactly. I could see nothing but that confounded mist. And then a great wave. Just like us. Yes. Well, when the wave hit, I blacked out. When I awoke, I was on this island. And I was shocked to find my ship was unharmed. Yeah, yeah, me too. Well, the wave capsized my tug, but I found her about a hundred yards down the shore after I swam to this island. There wasn't a scratch on her. Same thing with my helicopter. I was trying to fly to the mainland from offshore drilling rig. Then the storm hit. You wouldn't know anything from looking at the chopper. Yes. Well, after we arrived, the men and I went exploring and found remarkable things. Plants and animals long believed extinct. I was thrilled with the discoveries. But my fellow scientists soon became restless and wanted to return home. I believe these saber-toothed tigers made them uneasy. So I let them go. To me, this was paradise. I didn't want to leave. So I stayed here for several years. And then I realized something very strange. What was that? Well, I wasn't aging. Not a bit. My beard wasn't growing, nor my hair. I was exactly the same as I was five years before. And then it hit me like a bell ringing. This island is frozen in time. Dead gum. The prehistoric men, the animals. It was the only explanation. What's more, I believe this island exists in a dimension unto itself. A few years ago, I built a small raft and attempted to find land elsewhere. Days passed and nothing, nothing but water. Water seemed to extend to eternity. We are in another dimension. And the storm is the doorway. Dead gum. We're stuck in Never Never Land. Not necessarily. I remember the day after the storm that brought me here, there was another storm. I built a big shelter in this cave. But after a while, I began to think. If the first storm was the way into this world, then the second storm, I'm getting the second storm the way out. Precisely. And I believe there will be another storm tomorrow. You wouldn't pull our leg, Mr. This is pretty serious. No, no. I believe these storms come in pairs. Look at these markings on the cave here. Made by the cavemen. I found them when I arrived here. The cavemen are writing about the storm. Apparently it has happened before. See these wiggled lines here? That is the first storm. And these drawings are of themselves, cowering in fear. And here's the second storm. I don't know why this island is the way it is. But the second storm is the way out. Go into it, and you should be in your own world. Well, I'm a ready. And so am I. Hey man, I think we should use my helicopter. We can fly low into the storm to avoid being caught up in the tidal wave. You know what I mean? Yeah, sounds good to me. I just hope there's going to be a storm. Say, Mr. Scott, are you going to come with us? Well, no, I do not believe I will. Well, the modern world sounds interesting with the flying machines and all that. But, well, you see, I'm an archaeologist. And this place is, but it's like heaven to me. But perhaps if there's another storm in another hundred years, I will have changed my mind. Now then, the second storm should occur about noon tomorrow. That's the way it was last time. So let's get a good night's sleep. You have a big day ahead of you tomorrow. And I do wish you luck. I say then, Mr. Corn, Mr. Bent Carlton, it is time to awaken. Hey, there you are. I've had a breakfast of crushed berries for you. I'll do the strings for the task ahead. Oh, thank you, Ken. It looks tasty. You know, Al Gore, I didn't get a wink of sleep. It's because of them dang allergies. It's allergy season. Well, how many times I got to tell you, don't drop your arms. Well, I know how it is, this damn cave. But don't worry, you'll be back on your feather pillow for your news. Yes, well, there is a bit of a problem. What's that? I have a spot of bad news and a bit of good news. Which do you prefer? Well, sir, if I got my druthers, I'd drutter not hear no bad news at all. Yes, well, I'm afraid we have a dilemma on our hands. You see, the good news is the storm is developing, as you can probably hear. It should reach the island in about three hours, I would say. And what's the bad news, I'm afraid to ask? Well, madam, there are hordes of creatures surrounding the entrance to the cave. Oh, my! Apparently, they have sensed the oncoming storm and they're in a panic. Oh, no! Well, how are we going to reach the helicopter? The flying machine has been trampled by a herd of mastodons. Oh, no. I'm afraid your boat was destroyed in the stampede as well. Oh, that's a pity. But then you couldn't have gone out there anyway with the chaos going on, as it is. Bogus man, my helicopter. Say, what are we going to do to get out of this mess? Now, now, now, let's keep a clear head about this. We have three hours to think of something. Good lord. We got us some company, fellas. No, Lord! Take a candy of what's coming into the cave there. Oh, dear. Look at that. Look at that. Sabertubes. They're seeking shelter from the storm. Blast it. I should have sealed the entrance. Do something, Elmer. You always know how to get us out of these situations. Easy there, kitty. We're just here to be friends with you. That's all. Elmer, this ain't going to work. What about your friend, Mr. Scarborough? You got it, Richie? Yes, I have it with me, but it wouldn't do any good. I fired my last shell yesterday. There's three of them coming right at us. Say, Mr. Scott? Yes. You don't figure these cats take grudges when you shoot one of their cans, do you? Oh, no, no, of course not. They have no concept of revenge. Now, hunger is that they know about. Dad gummin', cornered like rats. I never thought it in like this, Elmer. Me too. Dad and myself makes three. Well, I'm with you all. Surfer to soul. What in the heck are we going to do now? Yes! What are they going to do? Mr. Cord and company are in quite the spot, aren't they? They have three hours to enter the storm that will return them to the real world. Their transportation has been destroyed, and they are being approached by three very large prehistoric tigers. I wouldn't trade places with them. Unfortunately, we are presently out of time. But do drop in next time, won't you? I'm sure you'll want to hear the exciting conclusion to this story. Until then, pleasant dreams. You have just heard Chet Chetters' Tales from the Morgue. Today's installment, part one of Escape from the Mysterious Island. The names and characters portrayed in this production are fictitious. Any similarities with actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. A production by M&J Audio Theatre.
