For the next hour and 30 minutes, this program will present in person such bright stars as... The Andrews Sisters, Joan Davis, Judy Garland, Gordon MacRae, Dean Martin, Jerry Lewis, Proud Jamar, Jimmy Wallington, Meredith Wilson, and my name, darlings, is Tallulah Bankett. The National Broadcasting Company presents The Big Show. The Big Show, 90 minutes with the most scintillating personalities in the entertainment world, brought to you this Sunday and every Sunday at the same time as the Sunday feature of NBC's All-Star Best. And here is your hostess, the glamorous, unpredictable Tallulah Bankett. Well darlings, The Big Show is in Hollywood this week and what a thrill it was to return to the scene of my former triumph. Of course they're all married now. If they want to get married, why do they go to strangers? But one thing about Hollywood, there are... thank you darlings... There are plenty of big, handsome men around. Outdoor men, they call them here. Outdoor men indeed. I was out with one of them the other night and when he brought me home what a job I had to keep him outdoors. Well, fortunately, that's not my job. And the competition around here, darlings, it's something fierce. When you walk into a restaurant and all the girls, they all look so young. Anything to attract attention. And then everybody who comes out here gets so nice and brown from the sun. Well, I remember the brown derby when it was a white hat. All the people do here is sort of sit around in their pools in the sun just dripping with suntan lotion. Everybody's so oily. Looks like I'm a little oily myself. What time is the show supposed to start? Groucho Marx. Applause Hello darlings, this is Groucho Marx. And now I give you a Cholula Bankhead and ten points. What do you mean and ten points? I said ten points. That's five quarts. Would you like a case? I'll make you a price on a case. Groucho, is that the way to talk to a lady? Sir, you are suffering from delusions of grandeur. Now just a minute, Butcher. Don't you start ad-libbing with me because when it comes to ad-libbing, I'll ad-lib you for the whole hour and thirty minutes. So if you want to just stand here and talk, I'll talk longer, harder, faster, and lower than anybody you ever came up against. So watch it brother. And right now I wish you were one of the other three. Right now I wish you were Harpo. Listen Groucho, this is a big show and I'd like a little respect. I'd like some myself. Let's get one order for two. Groucho Marx. Okay, he could use a little too. Let's all have some respect. Innkeeper, respect for everybody. Be my guest. That'd be quite filling. Yes, it certainly hits the spot. That respect was a wonderful suggestion. Now would you care to be a little more suggestive? Gee, there's a radio program going on. Okay, let's sit on the couch and listen to it. I don't care to listen to it. Okay, let's sit on the couch and neck. Let's lock glasses. Laughter Alright now Groucho, alright. Let's settle down. I'll accept that. We'll buy a little house on the side of a hill, all painted white with green shutters. I can see the petunias coming up the walk. Are those petunias coming up the walk again? Laughter Let's turn out the lights and pretend we're not home. The petunias are not coming up the walk to see us. Well, as long as the lights are out, let's neck. Can't you think of anything but necking? Well, I'll try. No, I can't. Groucho, let's get back to the script, darling. Alright, if you want to live dangerously, I'm game. Well, darling, the big show is in Hollywood. And what a thrill it was to return to the scene of my former triumph. Groucho, I've already read that part. Let's move on. You just got the house and now you want to move. I don't want to move from the house. That's the trouble. We never get out of the house. All day long I cook and scrub and staying up all night to trim the hedges. You trim the hedges at night? Every night the hedges come over to play poker, I trim them. Laughter Oh, Groucho, I rue the day I ever asked you on this program. Ah, Rudy La Dey, ah, Paris in the spring. Laughter Chocolate bar, mademoiselle? Groucho, the script. Laughter Well, darling, the big show is in Hollywood. And what a thrill it was to return to the scene of my former triumph. Groucho, you haven't changed a bit since you were on this program a few months ago. And you haven't either. I see you still don't have a sponsor. Laughter We can't all have sponsors. My sponsor is the DeSoto Plymouth car dealers. If you like, I'll speak to them about sponsoring your program. Well, I guess a little order suggestion wouldn't hurt. Laughter No moaning, please. Laughter I'll tell you what, let's make up a sponsor, the Plebo Company. The Plebo Company, how do you spell it? C-O-M-P-A-N-Y. Laughter I waited, goodie. Let's give this program a little class. Laughter Let's give this program a little class. Before you introduce the next number, let's have a commercial. All right, commercial. This program is brought to you by the Plebo Company. For more than two generations, the public has been taking Plebo. And for more than two generations, the Plebo Company has been taking the public. Laughter Recently conducted laboratory tests prove that more doctors are conducting laboratory tests than treating patients. Laughter Exhausted scientists have proved that four out of five is 80 percent. Laughter How I'd toy with these yaks, huh? A small purchase from your Plebo dealer will save you money. A large purchase from your Plebo dealer will save your Plebo dealer. Laughter And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mayor James Wilson and his Orchid Chorus in the exciting arrangement of Joshua Fits the Battle of Jericho. Music Joshua Fits the Battle, Joshua Fits the Battle, Joshua Fits the Battle Music Joshua Fits the Battle of Jericho, Jericho, Jericho Joshua Fits the Battle of Jericho, and the wolf's come and come and go Oh, Joshua Fits the Battle of Jericho, Jericho, Jericho Joshua Fits the Battle of Jericho, and the wolf's come and come and go Music You may talk about the King of Gilead, you may talk about the man of the storm There's none like good old Joshua at the Battle of Jericho Up to the walls of Jericho he marks with his spear in hand Go blow him, ram on Joshua Price, cause the battle ends in my hand Music Then the lamb, ram, sheep, whore begin to blow, the trumpet begin to sound Joshua took the man and killed the cow, and the wolf's come and come and go That morning Joshua Fits the Battle of Jericho, Jericho, Jericho Joshua Fits the Battle of Jericho, and the wolf's come and come and go Music Joshua Fits the Battle of Jericho Meredith Wilson, that was divine, darling Commercial, Meredith Wilson and his orchestra have been brought to you through the courtesy of the Plebo Company If you have not yet tried Plebo, take advantage of this sensational offer for a free sample Just send the top half of a five dollar bill, along with the bottom half Plebo will amaze you, just try it, if you are not satisfied you can get your money back, just try it Oh, here comes a prospective customer Hello, Miss Bankhead Meredith Wilson Applause Young man, may I have a word with you? What's your name again? Meredith Wilson A likely story Tell me Meredith, how do you spell that? With two L's Two L's in Meredith? Just the fellow I'm looking for I want to introduce you to a fine new product, Plebo Plebo meet Meredith Wilson, Meredith meet Plebo Hello Plebo, I've met Plebo before you know Really? I used it back home in Mason City, Iowa once Have I ever told you about that Miss Bankhead? No, but I know you will Laughter I'd be glad to Well sir, Miss Bankhead, good timing Laughter This happened back in my hometown, Mason City, Iowa Meredith, you're not going on with that revoking story About that remote little Hamridge that you're so intent on telling to this nauseating little man Laughter Hello darling, the big show is in Hollywood Laughter And what a thrill it is to return to the theme of my former triumph Well sir, gentlemen Laughter What is it this time? I was working in a drug store and one afternoon after the proprietor had gone to lunch I got my hand caught in the cash register Putting in or taking out? Putting in A likely story Laughter You don't understand Mr. Marks, I was going to talk to you about that free offer About sending in the top half of a five dollar bill along with the bottom half I don't happen to have two halves of a five, but would you accept one whole ten? Well, I'll have to take a couple of days to think that over Well hello Meredith, haven't seen you in a couple of days Laughter I'll take that ten, step into my office Well while that sharp little deal is being consummated, there's a sharp little deal I'd like to consummate for myself From Warner Brothers, producers of Storm Warning, we have secured a young, handsome, acting and singing star Who is going to let us hear Porgy's Lament from the immortal George Gershwin's Porgy and Bess Darling, here he is, Gordon McCraig Music Where's Bess, tell me quick, where's Bess, where is Bess, oh Bess? Music Oh Bess, oh where's my Bess, won't somebody tell me where? I ain't care what she say, I ain't care what she done, won't somebody tell me where's my Bess, Bess? Oh Lord, my Bess I want her so, without her I can't go on The counted days that I was gone, till I got home to see her face Won't somebody tell me where's my Bess, I want her so, my girl, my Bess Where is she, oh Lord, in your big hand, please show me where I must go Oh give me the drink, show me the way, tell me the truth, where is she, where is my girl, where is my Bess? Music What a beautiful voice that boy has, Gordon darling come over here, I want to talk to you, I adore the way you sing Thanks Mrs. Bankhead, I can hardly believe I'm on the big show Seems to me as if I'm dreaming standing here beside you Shall I pinch you to prove you're awake darling? No, you don't have to do that Well then you pinch me darling What I meant is Mrs. Bankhead is that I've heard so much about you from some of the big stars who've been on the show with you Oh have you? I don't believe it of course Well thank you darling, I think Tell me Gordon, I notice you've been rather shy and aloof the two days we've rehearsed this show, don't you like young women? Oh no Mrs. Bankhead, I prefer your type What? What I meant is that, well you're the sort of woman of the world, woman that's been around a lot Somebody I could bring my problems to, you could give me advice, sort of keep me straight and sort of take me under your wing Stop talking to me as I were Mother McCrae How old are you Gordon? 28 28, well what a coincidence I too was 28 once Oh those were the good old days eh Mrs. Bankhead? I can't think of this boy else, but if I ever find out he knows what he's talking about I didn't mean anything by that remark Mrs. Bankhead Well you keep saying you didn't mean anything, you keep on saying things Well when I said the good old days I didn't mean the real old days of long ago Yes darling I meant more the good old days of Diamond Jim Brady and Lillian Russell Now saying it again, my goodness how old do you think I am? Well I think you're about I didn't ask you You just said how old did I think you were That was a rhetorical question, I didn't expect an answer I never thought to fail, every time one of these handsome bouncing boys on this program I wind up feeling aged and decrepit Coming Mother are you calling me? Come here Groucho darling, at least you're more my age, I mean speed Do you know Gordon McCray? How do you do sir? Gordon McCray, Meredith Wilson with two L's, Delula Bankhead with two of everything More phony names in this program And what about Groucho Mark? A phony have I ever heard one McCray how about giving us a commercial on Plebo? Well I'm very happy to Groucho Plebo is filled with vitamins, it's filled with energy, it's filled with all the health giving minerals of the soil Everybody knows what Plebo is full of Very good young man, tell me what's your racket, what do you do? Well I sing, I'm in pictures and I'm on the radio Alright make up your mind, which are they? All three You have three jobs at one time? Are you married? Oh yes What does your wife do? Nothing, we have three children Can you call that doing nothing? Well speaking of three children, remind me, here are three children who grew up to be three of the most famous girls in show business This week they're celebrating their 15th anniversary as a singing trio And they're going to give us a medley of songs they turn into hits Here they are, Patti, Maxine and Laverne, the Andrew sisters By me a bit ashamed, please let me explain By me a bit ashamed, means your grand Rum Boogie, Rum Boogie Woogie It's all up to creation, with the cutest incubation it's a killer He was the famous drunken man from our Chicago way He had a boogie style that no one else could play He was the top man at his craft But then his number came up and he was gone with the draft He's in the army now, a blowin' revelry He's a boogie woogie bugle boy of Company B Down in the valley, valley so low Late in the evening, hear that train blow Here's our favorite song, and we do hope that it's still one of yours I'll be with you in apple blossom time I'll be with you to change your name to mine Oh, give me land, lots of land, under starry skies above Don't fence me here My heart begins to tingle when the bells begin to jingle Ziggity, zing, zing, zing, ziggity, zing, zing Every time they play the Slaver Dance Strike up the music, the band has begun The Pennsylvania Polka Everybody has the mania to do the polka from Pennsylvania Here's the daddy of them all Roll out the barrel, we'll have a barrel of fun Roll out the barrel, we've got the blues on the run Zing boom to rarrow, sing out a song of good cheer Now it's time to roll the barrel for the gang of all year I can see, no matter how near you be You'll never belong to me But I can dream, can't I? Can I pretend that I'm locked in the prison of your embrace? For dreams are just like wine and I am drunk with mine I'm aware, my heart is a sad affair There's much dissolution there, but I can dream Can I, can I adore you? Although we are oceans apart I can't make you open your heart, but I can dream Can I? Applause Andrew, sisters, front and center, please Now, let me get this straight, you're Maxine, is that right? No, I'm Patty Oh, of course, Patty, how stupid of me Well, let me see, you're Maxine, is that right? No, I'm Laverne Oh, I'm so sorry, darling, then it's obvious that you must be Maxine No, I'm Groucho Will you please come out of this? You please come out These are the Andrew sisters Groucho That's what they teach in Alabama, George Andrew sisters Groucho What's the matter with them, huh? Oh, then these three guys are the best, they say That's right No matter what you say, it's better than the script That's right, we're the Andrew sisters Groucho Well, how do you do? I just met your father, Gordon McCrae What's your racket, girls? What do you do? We sing on the radio All three of you on one job? That's right How do you like that? There's one guy with three jobs and there are three girls with one job I'll put you to work, how about doing some plebo commercials? Maxine, how about you? I'll be glad to When I do a lot of housework, I use plebo to soften my hands When I do a lot of walking, I use plebo to soothe my feet And plebo is wonderful if you just sit around Yes, girl, watch yourself up from the bottom, how about you? How about you, Levine? Would you read this testimonial from a Mrs. Brown in Topeka, Kansas? Okay, I was unhappily married for years Until one day I served my husband a heaping bowl full of plebo I have never known an unhappy day since, signed, Widow Brown And now you, Patty I have been brushing my coots with plebo Thank you, ladies, and just to show you I'm a good sport, I'll take you out after the show Maxine, what are you doing after the show tonight? I'm Patty Okay, Patty, same question Oh, I have a date Line up, girls, Maxine, same question Same answer Levine, Levine That shows you shouldn't eat salami for lunch Levine Just for that ditto Well, that leaves only... Oh, well, darling Gordon, what are you doing after the show? I'm having dinner with my wife, Raul Jones Oh Well, what now, brother? That's an idea, I'll call up one of my brothers George Vick the Battle, George Vick the Battle, George Vick the Battle George Vick the Battle of Jericho, Jericho, Jericho George Vick the Battle of Jericho, and the walls come tumbling down Oh, George Vick the Battle of Jericho, Jericho Jericho George Vick the Battle of Jericho, and the walls come tumbling down You can talk about the King of Gilead. You can talk about your men of low. They run like good old Josh Rowe at the Battle of Jericho. Up, up to the love of Jericho, he fights with good hands. We'll be back in just a moment, darlings, with all the stars we've met so far, and with some new ones, Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis, Joan Davis and Judy Garland. This is NBC, the national broadcasting company. The Big Show. This is the national broadcasting company, Sunday Extravaganza, with the most scintillating personalities in show business. The Big Show, the Sunday night feature of NBC's All-Star Festival, is brought to you by the makers of Aniston, for fast relief from the pain of headaches, ureitis and giralgia, by RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television, and by Chesterfield, the cigarette that has for you mildness with no unpleasant aftertaste, the cigarette that brings you Bing Crosby and Bob Hope. The big stars on this program are the Andrews sisters, Joan Davis, Judy Garland, Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis, Gordon MacRae, Groucho March, Meredith Wilson and the Big Show Orchestra and Chorus, and every week your hostess, the glamorous, unpredictable, Tallulah Bankhead. Applause. Well darling, since the Big Show's in Hollywood this week, I took advantage of the trip out here to visit some of the picture studios. And you'd be surprised at the way they practically fawned all over me. Those producers made all kinds of offers. One was for a picture, now lost. This producer told me that California was the only place to live. Well you know how I feel about New York. And he couldn't understand why I was so enthusiastic about New York. It's so cold there, he said, but cold or no cold, I'd be very happy back in New York right now. Why, at this very moment, darling, do you know what I'd be doing if I were in New York? Well let me see, it'd be about 6.30 now in New York. I'd be just in time to catch a plane from Miami. Well, let's get on with the business in hand. Appearing here through the courtesy of Hal Wallace Productions, producers of September Affair, are two young motion picture stars. Yes, I'm young, young, and I'm proud of it. I'm young, do you hear me, young? Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis. Welcome to the big show. And now for our first contestant, Mr. Lula Bankett. How do you do? What do you do? Where do you do it? Tell us a little something about your background. Well, not you. Don't be nervous. Stand a little closer to the floor. Come now, speak up, talk right into my hands. Now just a minute, Costello. Dean, she's gonna hit me. Well, I don't blame her. That's no way to talk to a woman of Miss Bankett's stature. That's a stature. So where the pigeons? Now, Jerry, you're being obnoxious, obstinate, and obtuse. Three little words that say I love you. Now they mean nothing of the kind. Dean, you don't like me no more, after I had my hair done this way especially for you? No, I don't like you no more, Jerry, not when you act like that on a show like this in front of people like those. Now look here, Cyril, if you're gonna talk like that to a person like this in front of people like they, then you may consider our engagement broken. Take back your ring and take back your stomach, your umbelly, my my, my my. Take your sweaty balls off me. Okay, kids, the dance is over. Give me another ticket. Mine was nearly over. Look, Jerry, now come on, let's take it easy. I want you to apologize. I want to apologize for my partner, Miss Bankett. Oh, now your partner's with Miss Bankett. All you men who are like, especially you, Dean Martin, or as I have come to know you, poopsie. I know, you meet a girl more beautiful than I and oh, I grant you, she's not as 26 as I, but suddenly she is your new partner. Ho, ho, that's rich. Mark my words, mark my words, here's a pencil. Mark my words. There will definitely be repercussions from abroad. Don't test me, darling. Jerry, I did not say we are not partners no more. Double negative, take some giant steps, go back, I didn't say may I? Ah, ah, ah. Oh, it hurts me, the whole eyeball's busted and dripping. Ah, come on, Jerry, watch it. You're in the presence of the great Tallulah Bankett, a woman of renown in the theater, a woman of breeding, a real thoroughbred and high spirited. So could I ride her around the stockade one? Well, that does it. Since this program began, I have run the gamut from a haggard witch to a corpulent, senile man chaser. Now I'm a horse. Look, Dean, a talking horse. Jerry, please stop that. Now, you must go on over and apologize to Miss Bankett. After all, Tallulah's a great actress. You remember some of the plays she's been in? Dark Victory? Yeah, I've seen it. Little Foxes? I've seen that. Private Lives? I've seen that too. Jerry, I saw it. Yeah, we've seen it together. Miss Bankett has given some of the most exciting performances of our time. She's appeared in some of the most exciting plays on Broadway, and her name is one of the most exciting names in the theater. Sure, I know. I've seen her name in the theaters. It's all over every door. Excite. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! Don't you get it? I said excite. I know it's exit, but I said excite because he said exciting. So if I said exit, it wouldn't be funny because he said exciting. Come now. You're not paying attention. There'll be an examination night after the program, and the whole third row stays after school. But first, we'll have a fire drill. You boys have been smoking on the stairs. You're nothing but rowdies. Mr. Lewis, come here! Do you hear? Come here at once! Yes, Captain Bly, you called me. Ah, look, Jerry, enough clowning. Ha, clowning you called it, yes, Dean. I want you to go over to Miss Bankhead, see. Who had been out of the script now for two figures. I want you to flatter her. Tell her you've seen her in all her plays and say you're sorry for the way you acted. Now, run over to Miss Bankhead. Now, run over like a good boy and tell her. Okay, I run. ... Tallulah! Yes, darling? I have seen you in all the plays you've been in and I am sorry for the way you acted. What? ... Miss Bankhead, please, may I say a word on behalf of my partner? I do not care to hear any more of his unintelligible gibberish. I wish you would sing, darling, would you, Dean? Well, I'd be glad to. Yeah, Dean, sing that song from my latest Paramount picture I wore with the Army, Tanda Wanda Hoy. Tanda Wanda Hoy. I told you I didn't want any more of that gibberish. I wasn't gibbing. That's a song. Sing it, Dean, before she hits me. Through the Dixiebeel arrangement, it really swells. ... It's easier to say, I love you, than Tanda Wanda Hoy, Connick O'Li. And wouldn't you rather say, I love you, than Tanda Wanda Hoy, Connick O'Li. It's easier to spell, kiss me, dear, than Tanda Wanda Hoy, Connick O'Li. And wouldn't you rather say, kiss me, dear, than Tanda Wanda Hoy, Connick O'Li. To quote a famous Yale professor, osculation is a sensation that is nice. If you should ask a Harvard lawyer, he'll charge you twenty dollars, and he'll give you this advice. It's easier to say, I love you, than Tanda Wanda Hoy, Connick O'Li. And wouldn't you rather say, I love you, than Tanda Wanda Hoy, Tanda Wanda Hoy, Tanda Wanda Hoy, Connick O'Li. To quote a famous Yale professor, osculation is a sensation that is nice. If you should ask a Harvard lawyer, he'll charge you twenty dollars, and he'll give you this advice. It's easier to say, I love you, than Tanda Wanda Hoy, Connick O'Li. And wouldn't you rather say, I love you, than Tanda Wanda Hoy, Tanda Wanda Hoy, Tanda Wanda Hoy, Connick O'Li. Applause Here is something you should know if you ever suffer from the sudden pain of headaches, neuritis, or neuralgia. It's a way to ease the pain, often within a few minutes. A way that is incredibly fast and effective. It's anisine. Anisine is like a doctor's prescription. That is, anisine contains not just one, but a combination of medically proven active ingredients in easy to take tablet form. Thousands of people were first introduced to anisine through their own physicians or dentists. But today these tablets are in such widespread use that all drug counters have them, and anyone may enjoy their benefit. Next time you suffer from the pains of a headache, neuritis, or neuralgia, by all means try anisine. You'll like the convenience of anisine tablets, and you will be delighted with anisine's incredibly fast action. A-N-A-C-I-N. Anisine. Ask for anisine by name today at your drugist. And now darlings, I want to welcome back to the big show, a friend who was such a big hit when she appeared with us a few weeks ago, Joan Davis. Well hello, Tallulah. Hello, Mrs. Davis. It's me, Stacey. And I'm Joan Davis. And I'm here to tell you about my friend, the man who was a big hit when she appeared with us a few weeks ago, Joan Davis. It's me, Stacey. Oh, I'm sorry. You're sorry. Now Joan, let's not have any bickering. Remember, we are old, old, old, old, old, old friends. And the way you say that, I can feel my arteries hardening. But listen, don't give me that old friend routine. I heard him talking backstage about a big party you're giving after the show. Why, what's an I invited? But darling, I did invite you. Don't you remember this morning when I said, you can't come to my party tonight, can you, darling? Yeah, I've gotten warmer invitations than that from Forest Lawn. Well, the real truth of the matter is Joan, I didn't want to embarrass you. You see, darling, my party is being given at a very exclusive restaurant. Oh, and you think that I don't fit into that kind of a fancy restaurant, huh? Well, I went to La Rue's restaurant last week. What do you think of that? Oh, I know La Rue's, darling. Quite exclusive. Exclusive? Why, if you make $5,000 a week, you get a table right up at the front. And if you make $2,000 a week, you're in the back of the room. And if you make $1,000 a week, you sit by the door. I went there last week. Curb service. Well, that sounds charming, Joan. You see, I'm giving my party in the dining room at the hotel where I live. That's ultra-exclusive. The food there is uncut by human hands. Yeah, I heard that. The chef kicks it into the plate with his feet, doesn't he? Well, of course, Joan, if you feel you want to come to my party. But I must warn you, darling, that my guests are all very literate people, you know. They're author, scientist, doctors. Oh, doctors? I just finished reading a book by a doctor. Brain surgery self-taught. Yeah, and I just bought his next book. Through the Mayo Clinic with Knife and Forge. Well, who can eat now? I don't. I hope you won't get the idea that I don't want you to come to the party. Well, one of us folks want me to come. Darling, you see, you're not set for a party. What are you going to do about your hair? I'm gonna wear it, of course. You know, I just washed it this morning. Obviously, darling, the laundry tag is still attached to your bag. Oh, yes, and by the way, everybody's coming to the party with an escort. Have you an escort? Oh, sure, I have. Hey, his name is Jim. He'll take me out. I've been plying him with hair to call. Joan, dear, that's no way to get a man interested in you. A man likes mystery, intrigue, aure. Oh, I got a two-ounce bottle every one of those. Of course, darling, that's one of my secrets on how to get a man, but don't let it get around. A mum's words. I got a two-ounce bottle of that, too. Look, Joan, what I'm trying to say, my darling, is that if I were interested in capturing a man, I'd use restraint, I'd use diplomacy, I'd use tact. Well, you use what you got, I'll use what I got left, too. Well, where did you meet this gentleman, Joan? Well, I was walking along Benedict Canyon Drive, and he gave me a lift. Yeah, you've been there, huh? And he gave me a lift into town, which I thought was especially nice because he didn't have a car. Yeah, and then he took me into a department store with him to buy himself a necktie, and he put his fingers around my throat, and he squeezed real hard, and he said to the clerk, see, that's the shade of purple I want. Well, he sounded like a perfectly fascinating man. I just can't wait to meet him, but I suppose I'll have to, because the party tonight is formal, you know, and you don't have anything to wear, have you, darling? Oh, sure, I've got an off-the-shoulder dress I've been wearing to parties since I was 12 years old. Twelve, that's not old enough to wear an off-the-shoulder dress. If it stays up, you're old enough to wear it. Here's a word from RCA Victor. It's a great life this week for television enthusiasts. Yes, the current issue of Life magazine, dated February 12th, contains a really thrilling double-page advertisement showing RCA Victor's complete new 1951 series of million-proof television, America's favorite television, owned most, proved most, and now more wonderful than ever. Fourteen brand new RCA Victor models, each more glamorous than the last. Table toppers, consoles, and combinations. Cabinets ranging from an exquisite 18th century low boy to a stunning modern swiveling. Fourteen, seventeen, and nineteen inch screens with such beautiful pictures, well, you'll simply have to see them to believe them. So run, don't walk, to the nearest RCA Victor dealers and meet all the glamorous new million-proof models in real life. Here's hoping you can take home your favorite set soon and start having the time of your life enjoying the life of your time with Matchless RCA Victor Television. ["The Star-Spangled Banner"] Hey, Tallulah. Yes, Jones? I don't understand you. You come all the way from New York and you can have your choice of any man in Hollywood on this program. Well, who do you wind up with? Those two over there. Jerry Lewis and Groucho Marx. I snake an old face. ["The Star-Spangled Banner"] Go ahead, look at him. Go ahead, force yourself. Well, I have an advantage over you, darling. I can take off my glasses and make them disappear. Hey, Jerry. Yeah, Groucho? Get a load of those two over there. With all the beautiful models running around town, we get stuck in a used car lot. ["The Star-Spangled Banner"] Look at him. I can't, I didn't eat dinner yet. ["The Star-Spangled Banner"] Well, give up dinner, you will eventually. ["The Star-Spangled Banner"] Because these two are gonna be our dates for tonight. Those are our dates? What's the matter, girls gone out of style? ["The Star-Spangled Banner"] Say, Tallulah. Yes, sir? If one of those guys is gonna try to make a date with me, I'm gonna be taken suddenly drunk. ["The Star-Spangled Banner"] But if they do ask us, Jones, darling, we'll just try to think of them as Clark Gable and Gregory Peck. What an imagination it's gonna take with those two. Oh, I do it all the time. It's very easy. All you have to do is close your eyes and concentrate. Oh, Clark darling, oh darling, oh. Stop that now. Why, fresh. Now you Gregory darling. Oh, that's fun. Let me try to... ["The Star-Spangled Banner"] Oh, Clark Gable and Gregory Peck. Ha ha ha ha! Clark Gable and Gregory Peck! Jerry, look at those two. They look like Clark Gable and Gregory Peck. Ha ha ha ha! Hey Groucho, I got a system. Not much of one, but go ahead. Well, when I go out with a girl I don't like, or Dean Martin, I close one... I close one eye and I think of Lana Turner and Rita Hayward. What do you do with the other eye? I'm driving. Dad gave me the car, you know. No... Now I'm thinking of Lana Turner. Come in Lana. Come in Lana. Come in. Roger. Rita, over. How you making out Grouch, are you thinking? Yes, I'm thinking. What are you thinking? I'm thinking that at this advanced stage of my career I have to play straight man at Jerry Lewis. Okay Groucho, I'll think up a girl for both of us. You better hurry, we're thinking up the whole script. Ha ha ha! Okay Grouch, I'm getting through. Come in Lana. Come in Rita. Come in girl. Roger. Knock, knock, knock, knock. Who's there? A house detective. You got a couple of girls in your mind? You better get them out of there. When I got one for you Groucho, yeah you take Rita. I got Lana. Oh Lana. Oh Rita. Look at those two Jones. They look like Marjorie Maine and Zazu Pitch. You know, I've been thinking Tallulah. I feel kind of sorry for him. Maybe we ought to go out with him. We could go to a restaurant and a nightclub and dancing. I wonder if they got any money. No, that Groucho is loaded. I know but does he have any money? You know Jerry, our attitude is all wrong. They're two nice girls. We could show them a good time, take them to dinner, a nightclub, go dancing. Are you crazy or something? That'll cost close to $100. Well they must have a hundred dollars between them. But on the other hand Joan, I can't picture myself going out with them. One's too old, the other's too young. On the other hand Jerry, I don't think we ought to go out with them. One's too old and so is the other. But Tallulah, what about your system about closing your eyes and thinking of Clark Gable and Gregory Pett? Oh yes, if that's what I'll do. Oh Clark, oh Gregory, oh Carrie, how nice of you to drop in. I want you to meet Joan Davis. Oh Carrie. Oh Groucho. Hi Jerry. Joan, what are you thinking? I keep thinking of Carrie, but it comes out looking like Groucho. And you know what? I don't seem to mind. It's springtime, darling. It's that tense of tense of springtime. Close the window before it gets us. There, that'll keep it out. Oh brother, it got in, it's too late. Here comes the springtime and there goes my heart. Oh dee hi dee dee hey dee. All my resistance is falling apart. Oh dee hi dee dee hey dee. Sweet evening breeze, go away if you please. Lilacs and schmilacs, unhand me. For next morning you, you are soaking me through with feelings that don't understand me. Oh sir, the robin, the cricket, swim start. Oh dee hi dee dee dee. Here comes the springtime and there goes my heart. Oh dee hi dee dee dee. Oh dee hi dee dee dee. Oh dee hi dee dee dee. Oh here comes the springtime and there goes my heart. Oh dee hi dee dee dee dee. I'm just a patchy for Cupid's facade. Oh dee hi dee dee dee dee. Bluebird brigade, you have sure got me made. Pansies in violets, I'm loving. Panama hat, I am flat on the mat. You butterflies, gotta quit starving. Oh sir, the cricket, the bulldog, was gone. Oh dee hi dee dee dee dee. Here comes the springtime and there goes my heart. Oh dee hi dee dee dee. Oh dee hi dee dee dee. Oh dee hi dee dee dee. Oh dee hi dee dee dee dee. Oh dee hi dee dee dee dee. Oh dee hi dee dee dee dee. Oh dee hi dee dee dee dee. Gambling lamb, I invite you to scram. Heifers, please stop with that lowing. Lightning bugs light my libido each night. Hey humming, but watch where you're going. Oh sir, the bulldog, the lovebirds, will start. Oh dee hi dee dee dee dee. Here comes the springtime and there goes my heart. So Zander's sisters. Congratulations June. Thanks. Oh dee hi dee dee dee dee dee. Oh dee hi dee dee dee dee. Isn't it fun? I'm getting lonesome and there goes my heart. Bon son vela, rabid and wrong. Thank you darlings. Now two of Hollywood's most prominent citizens, Bing Crosby and Bob Hope. Now here's Chesterfield's answer to Cyrano de Bergerac, Bob Hope. I'd top Yeezy dad, but we only have a minute here to sell Chesterfield. Okay, well let's skip to it. Better tasting Chesterfield is the only cigarette that combines for you mildness with no unpleasant aftertaste. No mildness is a cinch to prove. You just make Chesterfield mildness test. You know, open a pack and enjoy that mild aroma. Then smoke them and you'll know that Chesterfields are mild. And Chesterfield leaves no unpleasant aftertaste. That fact has been confirmed by the country's first and only cigarette taste panel. So make our cigarette your cigarette. The reasons go together like this. Chesterfield, Chesterfield always takes first place. That mild or mild tobacco never leaves an aftertaste. So open a pack, give them a smell. Then you'll smoke them. Well darlings, we've about come to that spot on our show where you will hear the exciting singing voice of Judy Garland. But before we get to Judy and our other stars, Groucho and Dean, Jerry and Gordon McCray and the Andrews sisters, Jimmy Wellington has this to say. This portion of the program was brought to you by the makers of Anison for fast relief from the pain of headache, neuritis and geralgia. By RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television. And by Chesterfield, the cigarette that has for you mildness with no unpleasant aftertaste. And now to Lilla, if you care to ring your chime. I certainly do, Jimmy darling. This is NBC, the national broadcasting company. This is the big show and Tallulah Bankhead is about to introduce. Darling, here she is. The one, the only, the most vibrant young singer in show business today, singing Get Happy from her latest MGM picture, Summer Stalks, Miss Judy Harland. Forget your troubles, come on, get happy. You better chase all your cares away. Shout hallelujah, come on, get happy. We're going to the promised land. We're heading for the river, throw your sins away in the tide. It's all so peaceful on the other side. Forget your troubles, come on, get happy. You better chase all your cares away. Shout hallelujah, come on, get happy. We're going to the promised land. We're heading for the river, throw your sins away in the tide. It's all so peaceful on the other side. Forget your troubles, come on, get happy. You better chase all your cares away. Shout hallelujah, come on, get happy. Get ready for the judgment day. Forget your troubles, come on, get happy. Chase your cares away. Hallelujah, get happy. Before the judgment day. The sun is shining, come on, get happy. The Lord is waiting to take your hand. Shout hallelujah, come on, get happy. We're going to the promised land. We're heading for the river, throw your sins away in the tide. It's quiet and peaceful on the other side. Forget your troubles, get happy. Your cares fly away. Shout hallelujah, get happy. Get ready for the judgment day. Come on, get happy. Chase your cares away. Shout hallelujah, come on, get happy. Get ready, be ready. The Lord will be waiting to take your hand. It was a beautiful day. When our hearts go out to the sea. When our hearts go out to the sea. It was a beautiful day. Shout hallelujah, come on, get happy. Get ready for the judgment day. Sun is shining, come on, get happy. Lord, it's great to take your hand. Hallelujah, come on, get happy. We're going to the promised land. Heading for the river, throw your hands away behind. It's also peaceful on the other side. Shout hallelujah, come on, get happy. You better chase all your cares away. Shout hallelujah, come on, get happy. Get ready. Get ready. Get ready. For the judgment day. Judy, darling, will you forgive me for that silly little faux pas just now, but we have had another Judy on the show, and she's pretty wonderful, but there's no one in the world like Judy Garland. God bless you, darling. Come here a moment, I want to talk to you. Right. You have the most divine voice. You know, Judy, the one song I think of when I think of Judy Garland is that one from The Wizard of Oz, the one that goes somewhere over the rainbow, way up high. I don't remember that song in the picture. There was a song that went somewhere over the rainbow, way up high. Well, you may not believe this, darling, but that's exactly the song I just sang. I guess I wasn't paying attention. Oh, how I envy your voice, Judy. It's so full and vibrant. You can sing without a microphone. Well, how I envy you, Tallulah, you can sing without a voice. Well, evidently you never heard me sing on this program. But I have. Yes, I've been listening to you on this program for weeks. You're wonderful. You're so dynamic, so magnetic, so effervescent, so full of energy and vitality. I've always thought of you as sort of a tall Mickey Rooney. Oh, Judy, darling, I read somewhere you're going to London to appear at the Palladium as some fantastic figure. I was there, you know. Yes, I read about a fantastic figure that was there. Darling, Judy Garland, how long has it been since you were in England? Fifteen years. Well, darling, that's when I was there. I'm going to stop at the Barclay Hotel. My darling, that's where I stopped. I was 12 years old at the time. My darling, that's where I stopped. I do hope you know a lot of people over there because London can be very lonesome, a lonesome town if you just sit around your hotel room waiting for somebody to call, you know. Waiting for a phone call that never comes can be so utterly... Well, you just sit there wondering and talking to yourself. Darcy Parker captured the feeling in that wonderful vignette titled A Telephone Call. Music Please, God, let him telephone me now. Dear God, let him call me now. I won't ask anything else if you'll truly have one. It isn't very much asked. It would be so little to you, God, such a little, little thing. Only let him telephone now. Please, God, please, please, please. If I didn't think about it, maybe the telephone might ring. Oh, I could think of something else. Maybe if I count it 500 by 5, it might ring by that time. I'll count slowly. I won't keep it. I won't shoot it. If it rings when I get to 300, I won't stop. I won't answer until it gets to 500. 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35. Oh, please ring, please. But at the last time I look at that clock, I will not look at it again. Ten minutes past seven. He said he would telephone at 5 o'clock. I'll call you at 5, darling. I think that's what he said. That's where he said, darling. I'm almost sure he said it there. I know he called me darling twice. And the other time was when he said, oh, shut up, darling. He was busy and he can't say much in the office, but he called me darling twice. He couldn't have mind of my calling him up. I know I shouldn't keep bothering them. I know they don't like that. But I didn't talk to him in three days. And it was not like it was asking him how it was. It was just the way anybody might call him up. He couldn't have thought I was bothering him. No, of course you're not, he said. And he said he'd telephone me. Well, he didn't have to say that. I didn't ask him to, truly I didn't. I'm sure I couldn't. I don't think he would say he'd telephone me and then just never do it. Please don't let him do that, darling. Please don't. He'd just telephone. I wouldn't tell him I'd been sad about him. They hate sad people. I'd be so sweet and I'd be gay. He couldn't help but like me. He'd only telephone. He'd only telephone. Maybe he's not gonna phone. Maybe he's coming up here without phoning. He's gonna surprise me. Suppose something's happened to him. Suppose he got run down my truck. No, it didn't happen. Nothing could ever happen to him. I can't picture anything happening to him. I can't picture him being hit by a truck or a bus or a taxi. I can't picture him lying there long and still and dead. I wish he were dead. Oh, that's a terrible wish. That's a lovely wish. If he were dead, he'd be mine. If he were dead, I would never think of now in the last few weeks. I remember only the lovely times. Oh, it's silly. It's silly going on wishing people were dead just because they don't call you up the very minute they said they would. Why doesn't he call me? I think, all right, I'll be quiet. He doesn't get excited about it. Look, suppose he wanted other girls and I'd just telephone and say, well, for goodness sake, what happened to you? That's what I do. I never even think about it. Oh, I can't have any cash. It's unnatural. It's because I love him. I can be. Honestly, I can be. I'll call him up and I'll be so easy and pleasant. You'll see if I won't. Oh, God, don't let him call him. Please don't, don't, don't, don't. God, aren't you really going to let him call me? Aren't you sure? I mean, couldn't you please, rent? Couldn't you? I don't even ask you to let him telephone me this minute. I'll let him do it in a little while. I'll count five hundred by five. I'll do it so slowly and so fairly. If he hasn't telephoned, then I'll call him. I will. Oh, please, God, let him call before then. Five, ten, fifteen, twenty. Twenty-five, thirty, thirty-five. It's getting late. Oh, God, forty, forty-five, fifty, fifty. Please, operator, don't let that Joan Davis telephone now. I won't ask anything of you. Truly, I won't. Not even more jokes. I'm going to count to two million by ones. And if she doesn't call me by then, thank you. What are you doing? I guess you think that guy was pretty much of a heel because he didn't telephone you. Did you ever stop to think that something kept him from calling you? Nothing should have kept him from calling me. Maybe he was killed. That's no excuse. You women are always jumping at conclusions. Let me show you why that fellow couldn't call you. There he was sitting at home by the telephone. Let me see. Where could I have put that Tallulah Bankhead's telephone number? I know it's around here someplace. I should have let her tattoo it on me like she wanted to. Please let me find that phone number. It's so little to ask. Just a little phone number. Maybe I put it in the glove compartment of my chartreuse convertible. But I don't own a chartreuse convertible. Please let me own a chartreuse convertible. It's so little to ask. I must get her on the phone. Where was I when she gave me that number? Oh, I remember that night. She took me to the cleaners. I'll call the cleaners. Please let the cleaners answer the phone. I'll count to five by ten. I'm asking very little, and the script is getting very little. Hello, Martin and Louis, cleaners and dyers. Martin's cleaning and I'm dying. Louis speaking. Martin can't talk. How can I talk? They don't give me any lines. Don't you worry, teeny boy. I'm getting the last of the both of us. Ah, laughs he says. Oh, it hurts me. Is this Louis? You tell me who you are first, and I will tell you who am I. You start. This is Groucho Marx. I'm looking for a girl. I think I left her in one of my suits. Will you look? Is he here for cleaning or dying? You're pressing, Louis. Just a minute. Dean, did you iron a girl today? Did I what, Jerry? Did you say iron or whirn? My tongue got in the way of my eye, too, so I couldn't see what I was saying. Yeah. Yeah, I finally got a line. Yes, yes. You work alone, these two. I tell you, yes, yes. You hear me? Yes. See, take it easy. They don't give cleaners and dyers Academy Awards. Look in my suit and see if you can find a number there. It's in that hand-stitched suit. Look under the left hand. I got it. I found it. Read it to me. The hand won't let go. Jerry, that's Miss Davis's hand. Oh, it's Miss Davis's hand, Mr. Marx. Miss Davis is in charge of alterations. Joan Davis speaking, in charge of alterations. I alter the customer to fit the suit. Oh, yes. Oh, yes, I remember you. You alter that suit I wore when I went to New York last year. It was way too big for me. Well, you told me you were a big man in New York. Ha ha ha ha. Will you read me that little slip of paper? It says you are industrious, ambitious, kind, handsome, and quite a ladies man. I know all that. What does it say on the other side? You weigh 40 pounds. I'll take that up with my attorneys. Gaylord, Howser, Yammy, and Yoga. Is there a phone number on it? Oh, yes. Here it is. Cross view 6482. Thank you. 579346811333172469321. Oh, yes. Long distance. Thank you. Please, operator, let her answer the phone now. It's such a little thing to ask. It's such a long number. I'll count to one by twos. Please let her be there. Please. Please let her be there. Please. 480, 485, 490, 495. Please let him call before I run out of toes. 500. He called! Oh, he called. He did call. I knew he would. Oh, thank you for letting him call. Thank you. I must be calm. I mustn't let him think I got worried about him at all. I must be cool and calm and collected. I really must. I'll answer as if he were just awoken me out of a sound sleep. Hello. How do you like that? I finally get a number and a man answer. Now, darlings, we have a bouquet of Valentine greetings from all of us to all of you. Mary Wilson has arranged a musical car-sage of love songs in our entire cast to present them to you now. The Christmas car-sage is a song that is composed by the late John Lennon, the composer of the Christmas car-sage. The original Christmas car-sage is a song that is composed by the late John Lennon, the composer of the Christmas car-sage. I love you as I never loved before. Since first I met you on the village green. Come to me, for my dream of love is o'er. I love you as I love you when you were sweet, when you were sweet sixteen. Come to me, for my dream of love is o'er. I love you as I love you when you were sweet, when you were sweet sixteen. I'd love to call you my sweetheart. I miss I love you, I do. I cry for you in the daytime. When I sleep I dream of you. I've always wanted a sweetheart. That's why I'm lonesome and blue. In my heart I'm praying to the world I'm saying, I'd love to call you my sweetheart. I love you truly, truly dear. Life will it song, life will it sing. Pacing to dream what I've been uninhibited. I love you truly, truly, my dear. Darling, you and I know the reason why the summer sky is blue. And we know why birds in the trees sing melodies too. And why love will grow from the first hello until the last goodbye. So to sweet romance there is just one answer. You and I. When before you sweet heart I did love with you. That's the way you whispered that you loved me too. In the last night morning the lights go blue. And because you sweet heart I did love with you. Oh, blue. Thank you darlings, you were wonderful. The cast and the audience. Well of course Valentine's Day is the most sentimental day of the year. And perhaps one of the reasons is because when Valentine's Day comes around we know that springtime is not far behind. Oh no, not again, don't touch the window. It's too late to lullo. Oh here comes the springtime and with his romance. Holy hidely. Off with my birdo and on with the dawn. Holy hidely, holy hidely, holy hidely, speedily mouth. Gable and Peck we'd be happy to next even grouch all looks good to us now. Here comes the springtime and there goes my heart. Holy hidely, hey, hey. All my resistance is falling apart. Holy hidely, hey. Still baby, dear, you are tickling my knees. Springtime is very alarming. Marjorie Mayne, may I tell you again. You're lovely, you're chic and you're charming. After the robin, the trick and the fun. Holy hidely, hey, hey. Here comes the springtime and there goes my heart. Holy hidely, holy hidely, holy hidely. Step aside, buster. Holy hidely, hey. Holy hidely, holy hidely, holy hidely, hey. Well, so much for Valentine's Day. This week is also honored by the birthday anniversary of a great, great man. Nothing points up the true humanitarian spirit that was Abraham Lincoln more than the now famous letter which he wrote to Mrs. Bixby of Boston. The letter is dated November the 21st, 1864, and it reads, Dear Madam, I have been shown in the files of the War Department the statement of the Adjutant General of Massachusetts that you are the mother of five sons who have died gloriously on the field of battle. I feel how weak and fruitless must be any words of mine which would attempt to beguile you from the grief of a loss so overwhelming. But I cannot refrain from tending to you the consolation that may be found in the thanks of the Republic they died to save. I pray that our Heavenly Father may assuage the anguish of your belief and leave you only the cherished memory of the loved and lost and the solemn pride that must be yours to have laid so costly a sacrifice upon the author of freedom, yours very sincerely and respectfully, Abraham Lincoln. His truth was marching on. Well, ladies and gentlemen, this has about been our Big Show from Hollywood. Next week we will be back in New York and our guests will be Fred Allen, Jack Carson, Portland Hoffer, Beatrice Lilly, Lawrence Melchior, Ed Winn, the West Point Choir and others, and of course, our own Meredyck Wilson and the Big Show Orchestra Chorus. Until then, may the good Lord bless and keep you where the near are far away. Beauty. May you find that long-awaited golden day today. May your troubles all be small ones and your fortune ten times ten. Dean and Jerry. May the good Lord bless and keep you till we meet again. May you walk with sunlight shining and a bluebird in every tree. May there be a silver lining back of every cloud you see. Meredyck. Fill your dreams with sweet tomorrow, never mind what mine have been. Joan. May the good Lord bless and keep you till we meet again. Andrews sisters. May you long recall each rainbow, then you'll soon forget the rain. May the warm and tender memories be the ones that will remain. Fill your dreams with sweet tomorrow, never mind what mine have been. May the good Lord bless and keep you until we meet again. May the good Lord bless and keep you till we meet, till we meet again. Good night darlings and God speed to our armed forces who hear these broadcasts all over the world each week. Listen to The Big Show next Sunday at this time when it will come from New York and the stars will be Fred Allen, Jack Carson, Portland Hopper, Beatrice Lilly, Lawrence Melchior, Ed Wynn, the West Point Choir and others. Meredith Wilson and The Big Show Orchestra and chorus. And of course every week you're hosted by the glamorous, unpredictable, Tallulah Bankins. Gordon MacRae appeared through the courtesy of the Railroad Hour. The Big Show is produced and directed by Dee Engelbach and written by Goodman Ace, Selma Diamond, George Foster, Mort Green and Frank Wilson. This is Jimmy Wallington speaking. Coming up, Phil Harris, then enjoy Head a Hopper Show on NBC.
