a cloud of dust and a hearty high old silver, the Lone Ranger. Faithful Indian companion Tonto, the mask rider of the plains, led the fight for law and order in the early western United States. The stories of his strength and courage, his daring and resourcefulness have come down to us through the generations. And nowhere in the pages of history can one find a greater champion of justice. Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear. From out of the past and the thundering hoopbeats of the great horse Silver, the Lone Ranger meets Calamity Jane. Warm, silver, very big fellow, I'm silver, silver! Warm September sun bathed Princeton, Missouri in a pleasant and affectionate glow. Its light was reflected in the shining row of freshly washed bottles that lined the front porch of Frank Brown's general store. It was matched by the rich, tawny sheen of a young girl's hair. She was hardly ten years old, freckle-faced, barefooted, and dressed in faded blue overalls. But her eyes were sparkling, and her smile was one of triumph as she fairly skipped along the dusty street. Hi, Jeannie. Hi, Kip. What you got? Red-tailed squirrel. Ain't he a beauty? Looks more like a woodchuck to me. Guess I know a squirrel when I see one. Where'd you find him? Some hunter must have forgot to... I killed him myself. Oh, how? You can't shoot a rifle. Don't need a rifle. I pig squirrels all the time with my slingshot. I don't believe it. Don't. See if I care. Killing a squirrel with a slingshot. Why, even Clash Barber, Red McGovern, or me can't. And we're boys. Listen. I can do anything you or any other boy can do. Who rode that calf into the meeting house and whooped so loud, almost all the women fainted? Well... And who went swimming in the creek last spring before snow was off the ground? Well, you did, Janie. But tell me, how'd you kill that squirrel? Did you have to sneak up on him or... No. I just spotted him sitting on a log down by the road. So I pulled out my slingshot and I said, Mr. Squirrel, you ain't nothing but a dad-burned, low-down, snaggletooth hogwaller environment. Then I let him have it. See? Golly, Janie. Where'd you learn to talk like that? My pa talks that way all the time. Especially when I hide his chaw and tobacco. Gee, but I still don't think that you're that good with a slingshot. Yeah? See them bottles sitting up there on Brown's porch? I can pick off any one of them. First shot. Oh, don't try that. You might hit the big window. Listen, I hit what I'm aiming at. Wait, Janie, don't. That fancy-pants kid of old man Brown's. You know, Gilroy. He might see and then... Who cares about Gilroy? Watch this. Gee. I can do it again. Uh-oh. Here comes Gilroy. Let him come. What's the idea of throwing rocks and breaking bottles on my father's front porch? What do you care, bub? They're all empties. Janie. I might have known it. Mother says you're the most disgusting girl in the whole town. And she's right. What does your mother say about her own little girl? There aren't any girls in our family. Your ma can fix that any time by dressing you in a pinafore and braiding your hair. You... You... Somebody ought to slap your dirty face. Why don't you try it? I... I will. You dad-burned, low-down, snaggletooth, hogwaller, environment. I'm gonna beat the living tar out of you. That's it, Janie. Sock him again. Hey, what's going on down there? It's old man Brown. Gilroy! Gilroy! Father! Father! Ow! Here! Take your knee out of Gilroy's face. Here, let him up. She... She hit me and called me names. Didn't touch a critter till he slapped me. Why, I... Oh, it's you. If there's any trouble around here, you're bound to be at the bottom of it. Gilroy was on the bottom most of the time. You... Go on home. You have a home. Get off the street. Hurry up. Here's your squirrel, Janie. I've been holding it for you. Thanks, Kip. Come on. And as for you, Gilroy, you're old enough to stay out of fights, especially with girls. Now go on back to the store and wash your face. She... She was breaking those bottles on the front porch. Yes, I saw that slingshot she was carrying. I guess I ought to be thankful she didn't break the front window. Well, Frank, what a ruckus down there, wasn't it? Yeah, just kids fighting, that's all. Go wash your face, Gilroy. I was sitting right here when that young'un started popping off those bottles with her slingshot. Pretty good shot. She's Bob Canary's kid. Martha Jane Canary. Yeah, I know. She's a wild one, all right. Yes, sir, if you ask me, that Janie's a caution. Clean through the window. Buy, Juniper, that Janie's a caution. She's worse than that. She's a calamity. Unwittingly, the country storekeeper had christened a tradition. As the years passed and she left Princeton with her parents, a vital, boisterous, untamed girl became Calamity Jane. Soon this headstrong young woman who dressed in men's clothes and scorned the privilege of being a lady was known from the cow trails of Kansas to the gold mines of Dakota. She joined in the Texas Roundup. That's all for today, boys. Douse the irons and let them critters bed down. Don't do no good, Slim. I'll bulldog the critters. Get up there. Look at her ride. There she goes out of the saddle and twists the critter's neck, Calamity. Twist it. Now she did it. Did it. Slicker and a whistle. Aye, Juniper, she's worth ten ordinary cowpokes. There's only one Calamity Jane. She drew cards with the rest of the men. I'm holding a pair, so I'll take three cards. Sure. Here they come. Just a minute, Tin Horn. I said three cards from the top of the deck. Not from the middle or the bottom. What do you mean? I... Now listen. I don't pack this shooting iron for an ornament. Give me a straight deal or I'll drill your lying carcass. Why, sure, sure. Anything you say. That's telling them, Calamity. One evening, a few months later, the Lone Ranger and Tonto pulled their horses to a halt on the outskirts of Kansas City, Missouri. Well, we'll walk the horses from here into town, Tonto. Ah. How do you know Wild Bill Hickok's still in Kansas City? I don't. But he was here a few weeks ago and it's up to us to find him. This message from Abilene's important. Where we look? Well, the Central Cafe is the most likely place. We can reach the rear entrance by taking a side street. I don't think we'll be seen. Take it easy. Come on, Silver. We'll get him up, Scout. Calamity Jane had been in Kansas City for several days. Dressed as usual in buckskin trousers and leather shirt, she was surrounded by a boisterous crowd of cowboy friends in the Central Cafe. Go on, Calam. Tell us what happened. Well, like I was saying, it was down in Texas. This young puncher had never seen me before and I guess he was a little drunk. First thing I knew, he was trying to kiss me. Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho. Kiss you? What'd you do? Laid a gun barrel alongside his head. That cooled him off. Ain't you, ain't you ever been kissed, Calamity? Not lately. You just haven't met the right man, that's all. Well, I don't mean us cowpokes. You might change your mind if a gent like, like, well, like Wild Bill Hickok over there was a putter. I've heard about him. Which one is he? Tall, gents. Stand at the end of the bar. See that long yellow hair and how slick he's dressed? Mm. So that's Wild Bill Hickok. Did somebody say Hickok was in here? Where is he? Right over there, stranger, near the back door. You a friend of his? He'll probably leave here by that back door, too. That's good enough for me. Who was that little pint-sized critter? Looks like a tin horn. Yeah, he is. Name's Jack McCall. I know I'm down... Maybe I'm wrong, boys, but I'll lay eight to five. He's a killer. He had that look in his eye. And what's more, I'll bet he's gunning for that Hickok gent. You think he is? That's right, dear. Now, if Mr. Hickok leaves here by the back door, McCall may be planning a little back-shooting job. Let's go outside and sashay around to the rear end of this place. Come on, boys. It's the back door of the cafe, Tonto. You go in and see if wait. There's a car of men coming this way. Ah. And look. They're little men standing shadows by door. Yes. I wonder if he... Tonto, that's Bill Hickok now. This way, Hickok. Take what's coming to you. What the... Look out. I'll get that varmint. Tonto, they're coming from both sides. Come on. Tonto crouched low and ran with drawn guns toward the rear of the central cafe where wild Bill Hickok was caught in a bewildering crossfire. Grasping the situation at a glance, the masked man decided that the crowd of cowboys, which included Calamity Jane, could be dealt with later. He removed the greatest danger first. Keep down, Bill. Stay down. Oh, my God. At least he's out of the way. Hey, what is... Hey, look. Now who's playing the mask? That's a woman, Tonto. Watch your fire. I'll try to stop her. Wait, hold your fire. I haven't been aiming to kill, but if you don't stop shooting, we'll level our sights. Hey, what are you... Oh, it's you. I wondered who was siding with me. I never dreamed of... Hello, Bill. Hello, I came up just in time to see you walk into a gun trap. Yeah, from both sides. We weren't trying to gun you, Hickok. We figured to burn Jack McCall. He was waiting back at the door. McCall? So that's when I... Send this owl who'd horned in and... This man's a friend of mine. I'm grateful to you boys and him, too. Friend? He's an outlaw, ain't he? I ought to see if McCall's still over there with the door. Friend or not, he shot Calam. She's laying right back there on the ground. Ooh, Calamity Jane. I'm sure she isn't seriously hurt. I shot at her guns, that's all. Oh, Tom Smith, the sheriff of Abilene, was killed a few days ago, Bill. They want you to take his job. Would you ride back with Tano and me? Smith? Dead? Why, sure, sure, I'll go. Good. Okay, Masabi. McCall, fella gone. Me not find him. Boy, that sneaking little sidewinder, I'm gonna... Too late for that now, Bill. See how bad Calamity Jane's hurt. I don't know. I'll wait for you over here. The last jet was right, Bill. Calamity ain't been hit by any bullets. Guess maybe she fainted or something. Well, I'm glad to hear that. And if all you men are friends of hers, well, she's in good hands. Don't worry, Bill. We'll take care of her. Calamity Jane, I know you can't hear me, Calamity, but I want to thank you for what you tried to do. I've got to go, boys. You heard the message I got. Yeah, the only thing I can't figure out about that mess, Jane, is it? Hey, did you see that? Hickok kissed Calamity when he was kneeling down there. Yeah, I saw him. Knowing what Calam thinks about kissing, it's a good thing she's unconscious. I'm not unconscious, you idiot. Calamity. You know what happened, Calamity? Sure, I know. I was knocked down when that outlaw shot my guns away. Then Bill Hickok came over here and kissed me. And you don't care? Boys, for the first time in my life, I wish my hair was frizzed out real pretty-like and that instead of this buckskin, I was wearing calico. The curtain falls on the first act of our Lone Ranger story. Before the next exciting scenes, please permit us to pause for just a few moments to continue our story. A year passed and Calamity Jane continued to roam the boom towns of the West. Her fame became greater as time went by. Her friends were legion. She was Calamity Jane, queen of the frontier, and she loved it. Only one thing disturbed her. There was a king whose fame was even greater than her own. His name was Wild Bill Hickok. In Deadwood, South Dakota, they met for the second time. Bill! Bill Hickok! Willup! If it isn't Calamity Jane! Gosh, I'm glad to see you. I'm glad to see you. The last time in Kansas, city, there was so much lead flying that I... Then that outlaw friend of yours got you to... He's a friend of mine, all right, but he's not an outlaw. I've wondered about that lots of times. Who is he? Why, he's alone. Well, just someone I'm mighty proud to know. Say, say, I'll buy a drink. Oh, no you won't. This is my town, Bill. I'll buy. All right, Calamity, anything you say. Come on. Hello, Johnny, Slim, Bob, Tex. Head for the bar, boys. I'm going to buy you. Look who just walked in. It's Wild Bill Hickok. Get into town, Bill. How long are you going to stay? Just a minute. Don't rush me. Say, maybe you gents didn't hear me. I said the drinks are on me. Sure, we heard you, Calam, but hey, Bill, tell us about that gunfight you had down in Abilene. Yeah. Hold up. It was something Calamity Jane hated to admit, even to herself, but the truth was hard to deny. When the king was in town, people forgot about the queen. A few weeks later, everything changed suddenly, while Bill told the Lone Ranger about it. You see, Calamity Jane and I got married this morning. Nobody knows it but you. Married? Well, congratulations, Bill. I didn't know you were planning on it. I wasn't. But now that it's done, I'm going to work awfully hard at being a husband. Good. I don't know Calamity very well and she probably... Neither do I. All I know is that I'm in love with her. Only one thing that sort of puzzles me. What's that? Well, she made me swear to keep our marriage a secret. I don't figure that telling you is... If it's a secret, Bill, it's safe with me. Calamity told me why she wants it that way. Is that so? Maybe other folks wouldn't understand but I do. You see, Calamity's used to having everybody make a fuss over her. Of course, they do that to me, too. There can't be two firsts, can there, Bill? Something like that. Anyway, whatever she wants is good enough for me and I'll help her any way I can. I'm glad to hear it. Oh, say, by the way, Bill, I understand a gambler named Jack McCall has been seen around Deadwood lately. McCall? He tried to kill you in Kansas City. Remember? Oh, that little tin horn. He doesn't worry me but I'll keep my eyes peeled. You have a reputation for being very cautious. We're always sitting with your back to the wall when you're in a room. Well, don't forget it. I won't. Thanks for coming over. Todd and I camped at the edge of town. If you ever need help, let us know. I will. Adios, Bill. True to his word, Bill Hickok retired more and more to the background. Even when he received an urgent message to report to General Custer, Calamity Jane went with him. General Custer, I know whether there's a scout that knows more about this country than I'll ever know. A scout that can outride, out-shoot, and out-guess twenty critters like me. Well, it sounds impossible but who is this paragon? Standing right beside me, General. Calamity Jane. Calamity? You? Well, if I was real modest and ladylike, General, I'd call Bill a liar. But if I want to be truthful, I've got to agree with him. Well, I hardly know what to say. Calamity's your scout, General. There ain't a better one from here to Texas. I, uh... Well, very well, I'll take your word for it, Bill. You mean I've got the job, General? Scouting for you and the 7th Cavalry? Report back here to the fort within ten days. I... Yes, sir. You don't know how much this means to me, Bill. Imagine me, Calamity Jane, a real army scout. If it's what you want, that's all that's important. And you don't care, do you, Bill, about not telling folks we're married? All I care about is seeing you happy. Right. I want folks to like me the way they've always liked me because I'm Calamity Jane. I understand. You just leave it to me. Your old self again, the real Calam, just like you used to be. I've never changed, boys. Say, Calam, is it right that you're going to be scout for General Custer? Sure, why not? You know where the general can find a better one? No, by the eternal, I don't. But I'm not reporting for duty for over a week. Then there's plenty of time to... Oh, hello there, Bill. Hello. I say there's plenty of time, Calam, for you to knock the tops off a few bottles for us. Ain't it about time we all had a drink? All right. Watch this. Boys, Calamity, slinking lead. It's kind of hard to figure out. What do you mean? Why does Calamity keep on hanging around with a back number like Bill Hickok? Wild Bill. Why, he's nothing but a beat-down gunfighter that ain't got sense enough to get himself killed. Yeah, it is kind of funny why Calamity keeps pulling him around. Hi, Bill. Hello, boys. Say, I noticed Calamity's pretty busy at the bar right now. I don't want to bother her. If you get a chance, tell her I'll see you later, will you? Sure, we'll tell her if we get a chance. Of course, no one in Deadwood knew of a certain Gambler's intense hatred for Bill Hickok. Only the Lone Ranger knew that. And only Tonto, whose watchful eye had never left Jack McCall, realized a murder was being planned. Me see Gambler, fella, write two notes, Kimasabi. One him sent to Calamity Jane, other to Bill Hickok. McCall's up to something that's certain. We'll ride into town and see, Bill. Come on, Silver, you don't have to count. But I tell you, Bill, Tonto saw Jack McCall writing two notes. It's a frame-up. Maybe, maybe it isn't. This note's from Calamity. She says she's gone to Red Creek to take care of some minor sick kid. And she might not be back for quite a while. You don't believe that, do you? Well, she's gone. Maybe it's her idea. What do you mean? Maybe I am just an old-time gunfighter without enough sense to lay down and die. Everybody in town had planned a big banquet in Calamity's honor for tonight. She must have got awful tired of me or she wouldn't have left town and missed that banquet. That doesn't make sense and you know it. Oh, I don't know. I'm not sure of anything anymore. Tonto now find Calamity in Red Creek or wherever she is. You wait here. I'll be down at the cafe. It's kind of lonesome around here when Calamity's gone. Come on, Tonto. There she is, Tonto. Riding right ahead of us. Wait. Calamity. Pull up. Pull up. What the? Mask. Turn out, Lord. You're not going to... Grab the bridle, Tonto. Pull up. Pull up. Pull up. Pull up. Pull up. Pull up. Pull up. Pull up. Pull up. Pull up. If you think you're going to... Keep them getting leather Calamity. Hey, I thought I recognized you. You're the same... Yes, we met before. I'm a friend of Bill's. The important thing now is why you rode up here to Red Creek. Oh, I guess Bill must have been playing some kind of a trick on me. I got a note saying that... It was a trick, all right. But Bill had nothing to do with it. Come on. We'll head back to Deadwood. You wait at the house. Tonto and I'll go to the cafe and get Bill. Before the Lone Ranger and Tonto reached the cafe where Bill Hickok was waiting, Jack McCall found the man he hated with his back to an open door. Hickok. What the? This is once you've got no I'll hoop pods beside you. You don't have to tell me. I've already heard about it. Bill's dead. The law caught Jack McCall. He'll hang for murder. That won't bring Bill back. Oh, why did he... Calamity, have you ever heard of a woman whose thoughtless selfishness helped to destroy the man she loved? You... You mean I... Oh, no. Bill didn't deliberately... No, of course not. But I'm afraid that by the time Bill walked into the cafe tonight, he didn't care. This is the night the boys are giving some kind of a dinner for me. Will you send word that I... I... I think he would want you to go. Adios, Calamity. All right, folks. You quit jabbering for a while. Maybe I can make a speech. I guess you all know why we're here. This blowout is in honor of Deadwood's leading citizen. I'm talking about a rip-snorting female we're all proud of. Calamity Jane. Now, Calam, if you just stand up, I can hand you something we all chipped in to buy. All right, boys. Here. A pair of the finest silver-mounted shooting irons Mr. Cole ever made. And look at that inscription on there. To the Queen of Deadwood, Calamity Jane. I'm mighty grateful for the present. I know you all meant it to be right, but it's wrong. The inscription's wrong. The inscription's wrong. It's to Calamity Jane. Well, what's wrong with that? Ain't that you? No, boys. My name is Mrs. Bill Hickok. You have just heard is a copyrighted feature of the Lone Ranger Incorporated. No, boys. No, boys. No, boys. No, boys. No, boys. No, boys. No, boys. No, boys. No, boys. No, boys. No, boys. No, boys. No, boys. No, boys. No, boys. No, boys. No, boys. No, boys. No, boys. No, boys. No, boys. No, boys. No, boys. No, boys. No, boys. No, boys. No, boys. No, boys.
