And now M&J Audio Theatre presents Chet Chetters Tales from the Morgue. Wow! Well Mellow, come right in stranger. I wasn't expecting visitors today, but what a pleasant surprise. Do have a seat there, won't you? Let me get you a glass of lemonade, you seem a bit hot. There you are. It is to your liking. Oh, good. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Chet Chetter. I am the Morgue Attendant here and I sort of fancy myself a storyteller. I would like to tell you one if you have the time. Oh, you do? Well, good. Let's see now. Ah, yes. My story for today is about a man from Biloxi who was on his way to pick up a load of manure. It was on a lonely, dark highway and things seemed a bit unusual to this man. It was a routine manure pick up, but soon he seemed... You take one down, you pass her around. 98 bottles of beer in the wall, you 98 bottles of... Oh my God. What am I doing? Shut up, Elmer. Singing to yourself, talking to yourself. I gotta stay awake. What do they do? Take Oklahoma off the map? Let's see what this thing says here. I took the Clarksville exit, I did that. I turned at the turnpike, I did everything the map says. Oh, come on now. What in the world is this? I ain't speeding. I can't believe this. He ain't gonna... He is gonna pull me over. I just can't believe it. What a night. All right, okay. This is definitely not I-35. Dead gun. Uh, can I help you, officers? Yes. Can I see your license and registration, please? Oh, sure thing, sure thing. There you go. That there is before I shave my beard and I live in Biloxi now. Mr. Elmer Corn? Yes, sir. Just like it says on the card there. Say, I wasn't speeding, was I? No, no, Mr. Corn. But we had been expecting you. How's that? Here's your license and registration. Thank you. You may carry on. We're sorry if we disturbed you. Oh, no problem at all, officer. You have a good night now. Thank you. And you have a good night also, Elmer Corn. My gosh. Them cops are skeletons. Yes. Yes, you heard correctly. Skeletons. Mr. Corn gathered his thoughts, then began driving once again down the lonely, dark highway. Skeletons. Skeletons. That's what they were. They were nothing but bleached white bones. Them cops were skeletons. I ain't going crazy. I know I ain't going crazy. I saw skeletons. There's only one thing I can't understand. How could they talk if they didn't have any voice boxes? Holy! Oh, my God. I hit somebody. Listen, fella, I didn't see you stand out in the street like that. I didn't mean to hit you. I swear I didn't. Are you all right? Yes, yes, I'm fine. I'm fine. Could I have a ride, please? Sure thing. I'm so weary of walking. Sure thing, mister. Sure thing. You just step on over here and get in the truck now. I'm sorry. I really am sorry. You gotta admit though, fella, you were pretty foolish walking down the middle of the street like that. Hell, you nearly gave me a heart attack. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I upset you. Well, that's all right. What was the matter? Did your car break down up the street or something? No, my car burst into a ball of flame. Hell, I can believe that. Your skin's all burned up. You're all black and blistered up. You want me to take you to the hospital, the burn ward or something? No, no, that's quite all right. That's all right. Just take me to the Highway of Death Cafe, if you don't mind. The Highway of Death Cafe, you say? Yes. You look like a freshman. How did it end for you, if you don't mind me asking? What do you mean, how did it end? Why, your death. Everyone in the Highway of Death has died in a car accident. How did you know? Well, heck, fella, I didn't have no accident. You must be the living one then. The one from the living world who crossed into the outer plane. Now look, this conversation's just getting a little bit too strange for me. I'm going to have to let you out right here, if you don't mind. I suppose you do not believe that I'm dead. Well, now you've got to admit it does sound a little far-fetched. I mean, you're sitting right there and you're telling me that... What are you doing? You're grabbing your head and... Hey, what... Good Lord in heaven, fella, you're pulling your head off. Stop that, fella, stop that. Quit it. My gosh. You pulled your head off. Yes. Now do you believe me? Now do you believe that I'm dead? Yes, sir. I believe you. I believe you. Now put it back on your shoulders, please. You look like the devil. I can't. I'm forever cursed to carry it in my hands now, no thanks to you. Now look, fella, I never told you to pull your head off. I am going to tell you to get out of my truck, though. This is getting just a little bit too strange for me. I'm a patient man, but when you stop pulling your head off, that's when Elmer Korn says, red light. I'm sorry, but I'm just going to have to ask you to get out. I'm sorry. Oh, please, just a half a mile more and we'll be at the Highway of Death Cafe. That's where I want to go. You should come in with me. I have friends that want to meet you. Okay. They've been expecting you, Mr. Korn. Now, you're the second person to tell me that today. The skeleton cop said that to me and now you're telling me. They're expecting me. They're looking for me. What do you mean by that? It will all be revealed in due time, Mr. Korn. I will go into the cafe and explain that you have arrived. They would be shocked to see a living one. I'm going to go and get them. Actually, Mr. Korn should feel quite privileged. He is the only living one ever to enter the Highway of Death. Hey, come. Boy, this here cafe ain't exactly the most energetic place I've ever been in. Everybody seems to be a bit, well, let's see. What's the word I'm looking for here? Dead, Mr. Korn. They're all dead. Yeah, I forgot. I explained it to you earlier. Everyone here has died in a car accident. I'm sorry. I forget these things. I kind of narrow-minded. I would like you to meet the manager of the cafe, Mr. Smith. Oh, okay. He was one of the first ever to die in a car accident. Oh, yeah? One of the early horseless carriages brought him to his doom. Gee, that's a pity. He can tell you the story of this godforsaken place much better than I. Well, okay. Is Mr. Smith the skeleton behind the bar over there? Yes. Well, all right. Pleased to meet you, Mr. Smith. Shake my hand. Pleased to meet you. Gee, sir, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pull it off. Think nothing of it, Mr. Korn. Think nothing of it. Okay. I suppose you are wondering why you entered this strange place. Yes, sir, I sure am. There certainly are a lot of strange things going on around here. I'm supposed to be on I-35. I've got a manure pickup in Oklahoma. Well, well then, I will attempt to make this as quick as I can manage. I'd appreciate it. You see, Mr. Korn. Yes, sir? We here in this strange dimension are victims of a demonic plan. I'm sorry to hear it. I'm sorry. You see a demon, Zelvius. Zelvius? Yes. He is a demon who has created this dimension that we are forced to reside in for eternity. The Highway of Death. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. That's what this old moaning guy over here was telling me. The Highway of Death. Yes, that is Jacob. You see, Mr. Korn, when someone dies, as we have, in a car accident, usually his soul travels to whatever fate awaits it. Oh, you mean like heaven or hell? Yes, exactly. Oh, okay. But sometimes, Mr. Korn, sometimes the demon, Zelvius. Zelvius? One of Satan's greatest pupils. Uh-huh. Sometimes he is quick enough to capture the physical body with the soul trapped within it. He pulls the body into the Highway of Death. The Highway of Death. I get it now. Yeah. Here, our souls cannot leave our bodies. Oh, so you're kind of like zombies, are you? Yes. And we are forced to walk the highway for eternity. Oh. Our bodies decay. The pain is unbearable. Well, sir, I understand it, and believe me, my heart bleeds for all of you, but just what has all this got to do with me? Well, Mr. Korn, we here are much too weak to conquer Zelvius. Oh, okay. Only a man, only a living man, can do battle with the demon. And you are that man, Mr. Korn. Now, wait just a cotton-pickin' second, Mr. Smith. You said this fellow was a demon. Well, he's liable to have magical powers. There's no telling what he can do. Yes. I mean, I'm just a manure hog. I'm just Elmer Korn. What you see is what you get. I can't do no battle with no demon. I ain't got no powers or nothing. Mr. Korn, you must, you must defeat Zelvius. But, sir, only then can our souls be set free from this prison. And only then can you return to the living world. For your sake and ours, you must defeat Zelvius. Otherwise, Mr. Korn, you will be trapped here as we are forever. Oh, Jiminy Christmas. All right. Okay, Mr. Smith. I'll talk to this Zelvius guy. I'll see what I can do. I'll try to reason with him. I don't see how else I'm going to be able to do it if he's a demon, like you say. But I'll try my best. Excellent. Excellent. I knew you would not fail us, Mr. Korn. Jacob will show you the way to Zelvius' castle. Do be careful, Mr. Korn. With some reluctance, Mr. Korn drove to the front gate of Zelvius' castle. Well, this must be the place. Castle Zelvius, that sign there says. It looks just like that castle in Dracula. Let's see if this sign in this on-iron gate here says. Warning! You are standing before the diamond-encrusted gate of Zelvius the All-Powerful. If you dare to venture past it, your soul will suffer an unmeasurable amount of pain. Well, he's got kind of a swollen head, don't he? I think I can clear that gate, sure. All right, Zelvius. Here I come. Dang it! Ain't a surprise I used to be. All right, I got to jump. Charade-a-mo! I've got to skip myself up there a little bit. Now let's see what else I've got in front of me. Oh my gosh. Got a big glass door. Well, going to have to break it. Now let's see if I can just find a rock or something. Rocks around here ain't very big. Oh, wait, there's one. All right. Here goes the wind-up and the pitch. Whoo! Dang! Boy, that rock turned that door to powder. What in the name of Satan's domain is going on here? Uh-oh, it must be Zelvius, and he's got a thorn in his side. Who has dared to destroy my sacred crystal door? Well, sir, the thing is, it... Intuder? Yes, sir? You are standing before Zelvius, the All-Powerful. I understand. Identify yourself at once. Well, sir, I'm Elmer Corn, Mr. Zelvius. I'm a manure hauler from Biluxi. Biluxi? Well, you're in Zelvius' castle now, you hick. What ever possessed you to disregard the warning of the front gate? Are you mentally ill? Or maybe you enjoy slow torture? Neither one, Mr. Zelvius. In hell, I don't know how I wound up in this crazy place, but I've been talking to these people here, these corpses, and they've been telling me that you've been keeping their souls from going over into the hereafter. In my book, that makes you a bully, and I don't like a bully. And you're also keeping me from a load of manure that ain't getting any fresher in Oklahoma. Now, the way I see it, we can go about this two ways. You can either politely set these people free, set me back on my road, or, well, I guess you and I are going to have to have us a little confrontation. Oh, I believe I'm beginning to get the picture now. You must be the living one these miserable corpses have been babbling about. They know they can't touch me. I'd snap their souls like twigs. They know only a man from the living world can do battle with Zelvius. And here he is, Mr. Elmer Korn, the Savior! Ah! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ah ha ha ha ha! I take it from your reaction you're not very impressed. Not the least little bit, Mr. Korn. If you would have tried to do battle with me, it would be a serious error in judgment. Well, now wait a minute. I don't know about that. Back when I was in middle school I won second place in the state championship wrestling matches. And I don't know, I'm pretty good at scuffling. Impressive! Oh, I'm impressed! But it's not quite as impressive as my sacred wand of Ramatta! Oh, dang it, I was afraid of something like that. This wand was a gift to me from the devil himself. Well, I... With it, I can create creatures that would turn your soul to stone. Well, I'm not going to give you any reason to use that. Let me demonstrate. Well, that's not necessary. Mr. Korn, meet my friend Trihedion, the three-headed serpent! Dang! Now wait just a cotton-bicking second, Zephyrus. This ain't fair at all. We're not equally matched. Give me that stick. Here, got you a pair of chopsticks. You! You, you! You destroyed my wand! That's right, I sure did. My sacred wand of Ramatta! That's right. Well, hey, what was I supposed to do, defeat that monster with my good looks? At least this way we're evenly matched. Now you got three seconds to set us free. The zombies and me, or I'm going to tear into you like a cat after a bag of catnip. Wait! Surely you do not wish to stoop to primitive fist fighting? Let us do battle the noble way, the way men have been dueling for centuries. Well, okay, I'm game. What do you have in mind? Swords! A duel to the death! Oh, swords it is. Well, let's see, I did see Sir Nobdaburgiak a hundred times. Okay, let's sword fight. Excellent! I just happen to have a pair of swords of the wall over here. I'll just go get them. Oh, now wait a second. I'll go get the swords. I know what you're up to. I don't trust you any further than I can throw you. Let's see. Oh, these are nice swords. Boy, these are pretty. Alright, Mr. Zelbius, here's your sword. I got mine. Whenever you're ready, you say the word. Ah! You fool! You have dug your grave, mortal. I was trained by Lucifer himself. Big deal. Unguard! I ain't no slack either, Zelbius. I got a few tricks up my sleeve and I might just bring you down a notch or two. Prepare to die, mortal! You will make a nice addition to my highway of rotting corpses. Oh, that'll be the day, pal. That'll be the day. You don't worry none about me. You just... Dang it. You... You cut me. That's a point in my favor, Mr. Korn. Next time I'll cut much, much deeper. Oh, there ain't gonna be no next time, Zelbius. There ain't gonna be no next time. I'm gonna send you back to hell, boy. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! My sword! You're unarmed now, Zelbius, and I'm gonna slit your throat from ear to ear unless you do what I tell you. I want you to tell them zombies that you're sorry you created the highway of death. Then I want you to destroy the highway of death. Set them people free and set me free or die at your choice. Hahahaha! Never! Never! I am Zelbius. I rule the highway of death. I would rather die than apologize. That thin demon, you got your wish. Sorry. I can't believe it. I've been stabbed by a manure hauler. No shame in it, it's honest work. Oh my gosh. What in the world, he's turning into a whirlwind of light. Oh my God, what have I done? Elmer Korn, what have you done? Whoa, good lord. Whoa. Oh. Oh. Oh. Hey. Hey, I'm in my truck. Hey, it's daylight. There goes a car. Ah, there ain't no skeleton in that car. I'm back. Oh, thank the lord, I'm back. I guess I must have, I guess I must have did it. I, I sure hope you guys are wherever you're supposed to be. I hope you all made it to the afterlife. Oh. Let's, let's check my clock. Hey. Hey, I got two whole hours to make it to Oklahoma, and I'm almost there. I tell you what, only old Bessie will just crank up. Yeah. Burned like a kitten. I'm walking the floor over. Why can't we awake at his place? The demon Zelvius is dead. The highway of death is no more. The souls once imprisoned there are now in their proper place. Some are in heaven, some in hell. But all are grateful to their savior, Helma Korn. Well now. That was a pleasant little story, don't you think? Yes. One bit of advice. If you ever find yourself on a dark and decimate road, it's probably best to keep driving and hope things will get better. Oh my. Look at the time. I would love to tell another story, but a fresh cadaver is arriving in a few moments, and I would hate to miss the autopsy. I have simple pleasures, but I enjoy them. Until next time, pleasant dreams. You have just heard Chet Chetters' Tales from the Morgue. Today's installment, the Highway of Death. The names and characters portrayed in this production are fictitious. Any similarities with actual persons, including zombies and demons, is purely coincidental. A production by M&J Audio Theater. For correspondence, sent to M&J Audio Theater, 923 East Main, Mejia, Texas. Mejia is spelled M-E-X-I-A. The zip, 76667.
