M&J Audio Theater presents Chet Chetters, Tales from the Morgue. Ah! Well, come right in, my friend. Here, have yourself a seat. I am Chet Chetter, the Morgue tenant and resident storyteller. You may recall our last story ended with quite a cliffhanger. It all began when a satellite re-entered the Earth's atmosphere and landed in the small town of Biloxi. A local and popular resident, El McCorn, discovered a toll-free number printed on the side of the satellite. It says, property of Innovatrix, a private firm. If this satellite falls to Earth, please call 1-800-BIG-BANG. Big Bang, that don't sound good. The word quickly got to Sir Golden Spoon, a supervisor of an independent scientific research firm. This is horrible, Vance Whistle. You say the satellite has fallen to Earth? Yes, indeed, and they also reported that it was humming. Humming? Sounds. That means that it is still functioning. Golden Spoon and his assistant immediately took a flight to Biloxi. However, before they could arrive, the satellite began producing a powerful magnetic pull. The magnetic field was so great, in fact, that El McCorn was sucked back in his truck and pinned to the satellite's side. I'm sliding into that thing! That's rough! The truck is collapsing in on me! It's like being in a garbage compactor! All attempts to free Mr. McCorn from his mangled truck failed. When Sir Golden Spoon and his assistant arrived, they informed the sheriff that the satellite was designed to test an antimatter implosion in space. The implosion's detonation time was pre-calculated to go off in just 20 minutes. 20 minutes? Good Lord, boys, we got a problem. El McCorn's caught in his pickup truck and it's clinging to the side of that satellite. In order to stop the implosion, a certain wire inside the satellite had to be disconnected, and only one person could fit in such a small space. That was Cecil Ferris, Elmer's best friend. I can dislocate my shoulders! Watch this! With Cecil's dislocated shoulders, he was able to fit in the allotted space with not an inch to spare. Unfortunately, Mr. Ferris was colorblind and unable to identify the correct wire to dislocate. And there was another problem. Jeepers, I'm stuck! Lord have mercy, he can't get out of there! Hang on, Cecil! Me and Roland will get you out! Sheriff, Deputy, come back! Hang in there, we're gonna throw a rope into you, Cecil! Yeah, don't panic, old boy! Will somebody tell me what the hell's going on? Oh no, they're gone. The police officers, Mr. Korn, Mr. Ferris, all gone. I've killed them all. We are gathered here today to pay our last respects to four courageous men, Sheriff McElroy, Deputy Hucklebee, Elmer Korn, and Cecil Ferris. Mr. Ferris risked his life to save his best friend Mr. Korn, and earned this headline on the Blexi Gazette. Cecil Ferris, our hero. Mr. Korn was already established here with saving our town from mutant mole rats, and the Sheriff and his deputy were heroes in their own right. They will all be sorely missed. Let's bow our heads in prayer. Cecil! Meanwhile, over one million years into the future... Pardon me, sir, but I seem to have lost my way. Do you think you could point me the way to Ler's Liquor Palace? Silence, flesh creature! It is time for you to enter the arena. Place the entrance and do not speak! Say, you look like a toxin fire hydrant. I must really be loaded. Say, would you like my cigar? I fell asleep in a gutter and got my matches wet. Silence! It is be the if be to speak to flesh creatures. You reek of a foul odor, and you are intoxicated. Open the arena doors now! I'm gonna wait just a cotton-picking minute. Boy, those are big doors. Where we going? Silence! Walk forward into the arena, flesh creature. Do not make me use the electronic probe. I wanna know what the heck is going... Ow! Okay, okay, don't shock me no more. I'm walking, I'm walking. You bully. All I wanted was some Bloody Mary mix anyway. Hey, what the heck is this place? Some kind of new thing on the north stadium or something? Hello? Hello, flesh creature. Can you hear me? I hear you, but I can't see you. Very good. Welcome to the arena, flesh creature. You have been brought here to confront a terrible, the beast, Steve. Do you have anything to say before we release the creature? I don't know what you're talking about, but I gotta go to the bathroom real bad. Oh, dear. They never have anything intelligent to say. Very well, let us begin. Do try to put on a good show, flesh creature. You are being televised throughout the world. Release Teratron now. Oh, my God, what the heck is this? It looks like a Tyrannosaurus rex made out of a giant rex or something. Now, you just keep your distance, big boy. I'm a veteran, pal. I've been trained in hand-to-hand contact. I need you. I stay away from you. I need you. Teratron has consumed the flesh creature, master. Yes, I have sight-senses, Micron. I am aware of this. Oh, how disappointing. It didn't even struggle. It's becoming tiresome every day, as the same as another. We send a flesh creature into the arena and he is consumed by Teratron. Where is the challenge, I ask you? The nerve center of the human was dulled by alcohol, master. Perhaps we can send a flesh creature of higher intelligence to confront Teratron, one that is not heavily intoxicated. An intriguing concept, Micron, but you know there is a great risk involved. We cannot retrieve a flesh creature that is too intelligent. There are four flesh creatures in prison facility 2-0, master. At first glance, their intelligence appears average. However, they are sober and they have arrived by their own means. We did not retrieve them. Arrived by their own means? But that is impossible. The flesh creatures never perfected time travel. Prepare my land rover, Micron. We will travel to the prison facility at once. I am very anxious to meet with these humans. Awake, flesh creature. It is forbidden for you to slumber. Awake. I'm just resting my eyes, Miss Crabtree. What? Dreaming dreams. What the heck are you? I am a service drone. The master will meet with you soon, Micron. Be there to cower in fear. Cower in fear? Who am I supposed to be afraid of? Hey, you walking teakettle, come back here. Don't leave when the conversation is just getting good. Where the heck am I? Albert! Albert! What are you doing there? Cecil? Cecil! Cecil, old buddy! If you ain't a welcome sign, I don't know what is. Give me a hug, old buddy. I don't care if you are a man. A yuck, a hug! Deputy, howdy. Sheriff McElroy. Lord, what's going on, guys? Are we sharing the same nightmare or something? It's that satellite, Albert. When it went off, it put us into another world or something. That satellite. That's right. I was stuck in my truck and it was hanging on to that satellite. And Cecil, you was crawling into that thing. We didn't want to worry you, Albert. That's why we didn't tell you what was going on. Cecil was going in there to try to dismantle the thing. The fellow that made that satellite said it was some sort of anti-matter device. Uh-huh. Said it was going to destroy everything in a 50-meter radius. And Cecil risked life and limb to try to stop it. Yeah. I don't know what to say. Except, you didn't stop it, did you, Cecil? Well, yeah. Good Lord. I just got a grim fault, fellas. Suppose we didn't survive when that thing went off. Yeah, Elmer. What if we're in hell? Dang it, I should have got baptized when I had the chance. Well, if this is hell, it sure is a disappointment. I thought it would be a heck of a lot harder. Oh, I was just thinking out loud, Deputy. Yeah. I don't reckon we're in hell, no. Yeah. Heck, we've been living good lives, more or less. Yeah. We ain't killed nobody. Yeah. And I don't expect they'd send us straight to hell without letting us stop over in purgatory to plead their case. Well, I hope you're right, Elmer. Good for you. Dadgummit. Enough of this mindless chatter. Be attentive flesh creatures. You are privileged. The Master will speak with you personally. Kneel before his presence. Kneel in two feet of water? Will I be forced to use the probe? Good Lord. Oh, hit and all this don't make them use the probe, guys. Let's swallow our pride and kneel, all right? Yeah. Good idea. Good idea. Let's see. Oh, my. These are the flesh creatures you spoke of, Micron. These are the time travelers. They were discovered in the Atlantic salt desert, Master. No time device was found. Excuse me there for a second, fellas. I'm Elmer Corn from Biloxi. I want to speak kind of on behalf of my friends here. We don't know where the heck we're at, but I did want to say, whatever you got in store for us, we ain't above begging for mercy if it'll do any good. Be a bit silent, human. Inform the Master how you arrived in the salt desert. Where is your time device? It would be wise to answer Micron's question, flesh creature, and be advised a false answer can be easily detected. Where is your time device? Time device? We don't have no time device. Never had one, never will. Analysis, Micron. The humans speak the truth, Master. But how could they arrive without a time device? I think these robots are trying to tell us we're in another time. Say, where are we? When are we? Planet Earth, year 997741AA. What does AA mean? After Armageddon. After Armageddon? After Armageddon. Shocking, isn't it? These creatures obviously arrived by some sort of mysterious error. But it matters not. They were all into the arena, but you two will go first. Huh? Me and Cecil? Yes. You will confront Teratron, the beast of steel, and your friends will watch. Teratron? Well, sir, we'd love to in the worst way, but we all took a vote and we decided we'd much rather go home. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, a sense of humor, how refreshing. Micron, put them all in shackles and direct them to the arena. Welcome to the arena, flesh creatures. Before we begin, let me inform you that should you defeat Teratron and you would be the first, your lives will be spared and those of your friends. Any final words of wisdom before we begin, my humble flesh creatures? Well, no, it's kind of hard to come up with something witty when you think you're about to die. I would like to know why we have to go through this, though. Oh, why, you are the entertainment. This is being televised throughout the world, so please, I beg of you, do scream for mercy and rot in fear, cringe in terror, put on the best show you can. Release Teratron now. Dead Gummett, would you look at that? Lord, it's some kind of mechanical dinosaur. Cecil, if we get out of this one, I'm going to church more often. How about you? It's chasing me, Elmer. Elmer, Elmer, come over here to the side of the arena. I got something for you. Okay, Sheriff. Keep a running, Cecil, old buddy. I'll come back and help you in just a second. Heads up, Elmer. I'm going to fold these things down to you. Well, it's a nine-stick and a tape measure. Think on your toes, Elmer. That's all I got. They took my gun away from me. Well, heck, it's easy for you to save that, Sheriff. We're up here on the balcony. Help, Elmer! I'm cornered like a rat! Stay away from my buddy, you ugly mechanical critter. Come over here and eat me. I'll turn you loose from your hinges. Elmer, it's coming your way! Lord, what have I done? Cecil, Cecil, quick! I'll throw you the receptacle end of this measuring tape, all right? I'll hold on to the measuring part. Here, catch. Got him! Good boy. Now, you run to the left and I'll run to the right. We're going to wrap that mama's legs with this measuring tape. Oh, I am the best at this display. They got the monster tangled up in that tape. He can't move his legs. And he's going to fall, too. Look out, boy! Look out, boy! Look out, Cecil! That's the time, Cecil, that's the time! We got him on his back now. Okay, now you start pulling wires out of that thing and I'll start whaling on him with this nightstick. All right, Elmer! You aggressive, cold, hopeless, excited... Take this, you metal barman! Elmer, you got my leg! And, Gump, the critter's trying to stand up. Oh, no, you don't. That dog ain't going to hunt. You can't stand with a broken back, you ugly... That's the end of that, mama. Sell that sucker for scrap parts. Woo-hoo! Oh, most impressive, highly entertaining. Oh, you are to be commended for your efforts, flesh creatures. Oh, you will all be my guests in the palace. Micron, prepare a feast for them. Um, I ain't the one to look a gift horse in the chops, but this here food is a little salty. Why, it is salt. Food is not existed. The only thing that comes close is salt from the Atlantic Salt Desert. Atlantic Salt Desert? The Atlantic Salt Desert was once an ocean, stupid one. The nuclear holocaust destroyed the ozone layer. Massive global warming soon followed. All oceans evaporated. The remaining animal and plant life were destroyed as well. You know, this has been sticking in my craw ever since you first mentioned it. This, uh, Armageddon, does it? Does it happen in our lifetime? Negative, Dull One. It occurred in the year 2250. The old world's leaders decided that planet Earth could not be saved from inevitable doom. As a result, they put the planet out of its misery and, may I add, very discreetly. The only intelligent beings that remained were the service robots the flesh creatures had created. The most intelligent of these was the Master 2000. Only one prototype was created. Uh-huh, and I bet you that was you, wasn't it? Yes. You are more intelligent than you appear, flesh creature. I was programmed to repair myself whenever necessary and to create more of my own kind. I began to repopulate the dead planet Earth. It took ten thousand centuries, mind you, but now the world has life again. We are a totally self-serving, non-violent, highly intelligent race. We have achieved everything the humans could not. Boy, rubber-face in it. Now, I have a question, flesh creatures. How in the world did you arrive over a million years ahead of your time? Well, as far as I can tell, that satellite sent us here. Satellite? Why, you naughty creature. You never mentioned the satellite. Well, now you never asked us about no satellite. Yes, sir. Yesterday, I guess it was, this satellite landed by accident in our hometown of Biloxi. And now the fellow what made it said it was some sort of anti-matter device. Said it was going to implode, destroying everything in a 50-meter radius. Well, we tried to stop it from going off, but couldn't do it. We got caught up in the implosion and bang, here we are. Matter cannot be destroyed, foolish one. Obviously, the satellite transformed your physical structures into minute particles and sent you through time. How foolish of that human to think he could destroy matter. He created a time machine and did not know it. How typical. We developed time travel 400 years ago. We found a crystal in an underground bunker. It was discovered during a flesh creature expedition of the planet Mars in the year 2103 AD. Only one of these crystals exists. Of course, the flesh creatures never found a use for the crystal, but we discovered it to be a powerful source. It is the main source of power for our time device. Well, now you go and call yourself a non-violent race and you stick a mechanical dinosaur on me and Cecil. And when I was in that arena, I saw a liquor bottle and a torn shirt. Has there been other people in that thing too? Yes, many, many. You see, over the course of several centuries, we have developed one nagging human emotion, boredom. We have nothing to do. We don't have to work and we don't have to eat, so we require some form of entertainment. So we've been going into the past with our time machines and retrieving humans, flesh creatures, to send them into the arena. You send folks into that arena to fight that monster just to get your dad gum kicks? Shall I punish this flesh creature master for his disrespect? No, Micron, I can understand the human's anger. Let us go into my relaxation chamber. We can discuss these matters in a more inviting atmosphere. Alright. You take the lead. This is that way. You see, we retrieve flesh creatures from the past, mostly what you would consider vagrants and lower class citizens, nothing else. Well, why don't you get some upper scale folk? Well, you see, if we were to abduct an intelligent flesh creature or worse, a computer programmer, it would seriously threaten our existence. I would hate to contemplate a worse case scenario. Yeah, I'd get you, Drew. Like if you were to get someone who, say, designed robots, well you could wipe out your own existence, couldn't you? Exactly. Say, that closet looking thing over there in the corner, that ain't your time machine, is it? Yes, yes, but we call it a time defier. The flesh creatures are becoming far too inquisitive, master. I suggest we begin the entertainment extermination immediately. Entertainment extermination? Yes, an intelligent flesh creature can be dangerous, you see. The four of you will confront Destructicon, a much larger and more powerful killing machine. You will surely die this time. Hells bells, they're gonna send us back to the arena. Negative, stupid one. Destructicon is equipped with on-board surveillance cameras. Your death will be televised worldwide. The entire palace will be your arena. Release Destructicon now. It came right through that wall! Jiminy Christmas! Alright everybody, quick, run into that time machine! No, no, kill them, kill them Destructicon. Do not allow them to enter the time defier. Get into the thing. Alright, everybody start pressing buttons and hopefully we get this thing cranked up. Welcome to the time defier. Please press time and destination on the keyboard. Well, I'm gonna try to punch in when we left. I just hope... Destructicon's got us in its clutches, Albert! Stop, Destructicon, stop. You're destroying the time defier. It's the only one in existence. Press the red A-Lex key. Time travel will then commence. Red A-Lex key? This thing is full of red keys. You start pressing red keys, Sheriff. Harem, scan them and do it quick. This crater's gonna swallow us whole. The roof's caving in on us, Albert! Time travel now be defied. We are gathered here today to pay our last respects to four courageous men. Whoa! Whoa! Oh, I'm dead, Lordy. We're here, fellas. Wherever here is. Wherever here is. Welcome to 20th Century Biloxi. Population, 600. Biloxi! Biloxi, I'm a ground-kissing fool! We're home, fellas! Yee-hee! Hey, hey, hey, look everybody! It's Elmer and the gang! Elmer? Elmer? Oh, I'm so glad you're home! Miss Maddox, Dadgum, we landed in church. What's going on here? Well, Elmer, we all figured you'd be deceased, the four of you. We was holding a memorial service for you. A memorial service for us? Dadgum it! Walking in her own funeral, just like old Thomas Hoy. Say, Louella, play some happy welcome home music on that organ. Okay! Say, say, Elmer, come over here. Okay. Should we tell everybody what we went through? Oh, no, no, no, Cecil, I don't think so. They're having such a good time, and besides, the future, going to the robots and all that, it's best we keep it to ourselves. It's kind of a grim future, though, ain't it, Elmer? Well, Sir Sheriff, I think it's best we don't dwell on such a thing. If we learned anything by all this, it's to enjoy life now. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And one more thing I think we've learned is to take a crowbar to that time machine. Yeah. Good idea. Sir Sheriff, I'm going to get a crowbar and a sledgehammer. Yeah, okay, you do that, Rowan. Well, now, there you are. A tale about time. Well, it's certainly good that it's fiction. An unsettling thought, the robots taking over the future. No need for morgue attendance, or morgues for that matter. When a robot runs down, you just send it to the scrap pile. Oh, you have to go, do you? Well, do return for another story next time, won't you? Until then, pleasant dreams. You have just heard Chet Chetters' Tales from the Morgue. Today's installment, Part Two of 1-800, Big Bang. The names and characters portrayed in this production are fictitious. Any similarities with actual persons living or dead, including robots, is purely coincidental. A production by M&J Audio Theatre. Four correspondents sent to M&J Audio Theatre, 923 East Main, Mejia, Texas. Mejia, Texas. Mejia spelled M-E-X-I-A. Our zip, 76667.
