Our 30 minutes this program will present in person touch by stars as Fred Allen Mindy Carson Jimmy Larrani Jose Pereira Portland Hoffa Frankie Lane Paul Lucas Ethel Merman Russell Knight Danny Thomas Meredith Wilson and my name darling just to do the bank head the national broadcasting company presents the big show the big show 90 minutes with the most stimulating personalities in the entertainment world brought to you this Sunday and every Sunday at the same time as the Sunday feature of five show festival NBC star-studded five-night a week program extravaganza tonight's big show is presenting such top-notch stars as Fred Allen Mindy Carson Jimmy Larrani Jose Pereira Portland Hoffa Frankie Lane Ethel Merman Paul Lucas Russell Knight Danny Thomas and Meredith Wilson and here is your hostess the glamorous unpredictable Tallulah Bankhead this is radio 1950 the greatest stars of our time on one big program and the most fabulous part about this darling is that every Sunday we will present other stars of the same magnitude pardon me if I sound like a name-dropper but just listen to three or four of the names he blinded up the next week show Groucho Marx Annie Bryce Jane Powell and Ezio Hensel well I don't just sit there with your mouths open darling I know what you're thinking you think such a radio show every week is impossible and I'm sure that after you hear our first broadcast you're going to say that show was impossible oh no that doesn't sound quite right but NBC says nothing is impossible all it takes is courage vision and the king size bundle of dough each week that will be comedy drama music all performed by the biggest stars and confined of course darlings now and then a clinker may see can but we're going to try the minute just a minute I heard that last remark and I resemble Jimmy darling don't darling me I heard you call me a clinker I heard what you said clinker s t i n you know I've never accused you of being a clinker I'm deliriously happy you dropped everything out in Hollywood just appear on our show oh I didn't come here just for this I'm here on a secret mission to the United Nations really I've been listening to them UN meetings and I found out something what's that darling you know what I think no I think Malik and Vashinski are communists yes you SSR of course I'm sure that's why I'm here well I'm glad you're with us because we first decided to do this show I said it wouldn't be a big show without Jimmy Durante you did that's the kind of a line I can sink my teeth into let me read that again you did I insisted you be on the show oh you had to insist huh no no I even wrote them a letter recommending you I said gentlemen I have known Jimmy Durante for a great many years and I have always found him to be five feet eight inches tall five feet nine inches I now wear my hair in a nup sweet since last I saw you I grew some so I don't think you are darling no I I wouldn't settle for anybody but you because I've always been your greatest admirer well that makes an anonymous big boss because for years I've admired you from afar with that nose darling how else to lose that's a fight how you do come back after all I went through to get you on this program you mean it was because of my beauty and charm no my win smile my swimming voice no darling please I'm running out of reasons Jimmy I have a date off the show tonight would you care to join us I I'll get a girl for you oh no not me I don't go out on blind dates the other day a friend of mine gave me the number of a girl he wanted me to know blind dates are for me and when she answered the phone I gave him my sweetest hello snuggling up close to the phone I said Durante speaking how about going out with me tonight she says before I go out with you what do you look like what a dilemma should I tell her the truth and be turned down or should I lie and worry about it later there was no way I was I break my say I wouldn't say I was handsome say I was cute I'm not very tall but gosh down at all it's kind of hard to put in words you know the other night I made a blind date the same way over the phone I said hello she said hello come right over when I got there she took one look at my nose and said you sure must have hurried you forgot to hang up the phone yes it's time to put it in the world say it's not that I want to be mysterious honest I'm not trying to stall believe me I'm really quite serious I'm just an in-between rascal that's all I know I'm not good-looking but what's my opinion against thousands of others now I wouldn't say I'm fascinating too bad I'm not elucidating hey I wouldn't even try when we meet you'll know why cause it's time hard to put it in words you know folks I got a problem and really describing myself and it's getting pretty serious let's analyze the facts I can safely say I'm as pretty as Van Johnson I can safely say I'm as pretty as Tyrone Power I can safely say I'm as pretty as Cary Grant as long as this show isn't on television I can safely say anything I had a blind date with a beautiful gal and after that I met her every night for three weeks straight I was crazy about it because every time I kissed her she used to keep her eyes closed one night she opened her eyes and what happened I never saw her again say now I wouldn't say I was a highbrow my looks were greater than I'm brow say I'm not a Shakespeare it would take me a year cause it's time hard to put it in words yes it's time hard to put it in words Jimmy darling I don't know how you do it Jimmy Jimmy come back here you're a genius you're a genius Jimmy oh I wouldn't say genius okay darling I won't wait a minute wait a minute put up a little fight can't you? No time for that Jimmy I must now introduce our next guest you wait a minute you mean somebody else is in this show? Of course my sweet I thought you said I was the only one oh no my darling we have three exciting stars coming up now they're in Broadway's biggest hit call me madam presented by Leland Haywood the music by Irving Berlin book by Howard Lindsay and Russell Krauss and dance his stage by Jerome Robbins and here are the stars I was telling you about Ethel Merman Paul Lucas and Russell Knight okay chaloo I'm going to my dressing room if you need help call me and from the looks of these characters you'll be needing some pretty stuff I'm sure I'm sure I won't need any help here because in call me madam the great Merman is rocking Broadway and her role is lady ambassador she does she got the job as ambassador because she was Washington's most popular party thrower now tell us Ethel how you became the hostess with the mostess on the ball I was born on a thousand acres of Oklahoma land nothing grew on the thousand acres for it was gravel and sand one day father started digging in a field hoping to find some soil he dug and he dug and what do you think oil oil the money rolled in and I rolled out with a fortune pile so high Washington was my destination and now I'm the chosen party giver for the White House cleon tell and they know that I know what it takes to make them gel and in Washington I'm known by one and all as the hostess with the mostess on the ball they would go to Elma Maxwell when they had an act to grind they could always grind their act well at the party she's fine now the hatchet grinders all prefer to on the whole still with the mostess on the ball I've a great big bar and good caviar yes the best that can be found and a larger mound in my bank account when election time if you're feeling presidential you can make it yes indeed there are just three things essential let me tell you all you need is an ounce of wisdom and a pound of gold and the hostess with the mostess on the ball there'll be no mistakes I've got what it takes to make friends across the sea I'll make being smart and important part of my foreign policy I'll cement our good relations when I give my first affair they'll be special invitations to the Duke and Duchess there who's already written asking them to not the priestess with the leastest about the hostess with the mostess with the mostess on the ball the country ever is ambassador to is Lichtenberg now don't look for it on your maps darling is strictly a musical comedy country full of politics present and Paul Lucas welcome to Lichtenburg I don't think you know much about us except of course our famous Lichtenburg cheese I know very well you enjoy it and we would enjoy it too but we can't afford it for we must have dollars and so we send it to you at the moment I am not very popular as finance minister I had to cancel our annual Lichtenburg fair I shall absolutely decline to serve in this post again in next week's cabinet I shall try to be foreign minister I'm very curious about this new American ambassador of this fabulous mrs. Sally Adams what a fantastic country this America first they cleared the atom bomb and then they send a woman as ambassador to Lichtenburg how they love to play with explosive but least and work won't be offended we'll manage to stay alive we're not very touchy this quaint little dodgy that somehow seems to survive too small to be a city to be to be a power to have an army and we knock down too slow to please the young fast to please you too many who have copper pennies too few who have gold but somehow we manage to play the game while the other lands keep changing well whole어 Being an American ambassador, Ethel's first official move naturally, is to offer Lichtenberg the loan of a hundred million bucks. Lichtenberg, being a musical comedy country, Paul Lucas turns down the loan. But Ethel falls in love with this new type guy, and she doesn't mind dropping a few hints about the way she feels. Money, money, money, money, money, money, can you use any money today? Money, money, money, money, money, money, nice new bills that we're giving away. There are photo-graphs on every one, Lincoln, Grant, and Washington, or you might like the ones with Henry Clay. Can you use any money today? Two million, four million, six million, eight million, ten! Take what you want, when it's gone, you can come back again. Bills that haven't been printed yet, you can have them by the pack. Binds that haven't been minted yet, that you never have to give back. Money, money, money, money, money, money, Uncle Sam puts it right on the line. And if we ever run out of checks for him to sign, you can have mine, all of mine. You can have mine. Money, money, money, money, money, money, can you use any dollars today? Money, money, money, money, money, money, we've so much that it gets in our way. In our treasury there's a mighty sum, millions we've subtracted from, the envelopes that hold our take-home pay. Can you use any money today? Home in the States underground, there's a cave full of gold. Back up a truck and we'll fill it with all it can hold. Take ten million and please don't fuss if you find it can't be spent. You can lend it right back to us and we'll pay you seven percent. Money, money, money, money, money, money, Uncle Sam puts it right on the line. And if that fellow with whiskers ever should decline, you can have mine, all of mine. You can have mine. Darling, you've heard this before, I skipped a cue. Lichtenberg being a musical comedy country, Paul Lucas turns down the loan, but Epple falls in love with this new type guy and she doesn't mind dropping a few hints about the way she feels. Please let me say from the start, I don't pretend to be smart. I just suggest what I think is having your interest at heart. I only want what's the best thing for you and the best thing for you would be me. I've been convinced after thinking it through that the best thing for you would be me. Every day to myself I say, points away, what will it be? I ask myself what's the best thing for you and myself and I seem to agree that the best thing for you would be me. Every day to myself I say, points away, what will it be? I ask myself what's the best thing for you and myself and I seem to agree that the best thing for you would be me. I only want what's the best thing for you would be me. Now to complicate matters, Epple's young assistant played by Russell Knight falls in love with Princess Maria, daughter of the Grand Duke. Epple and Russell have rough going in their respective love affairs, so they put their heads together and they're going to sing about it for you. I hear singing and there's no one there. I smell blossoms and the trees are bare. All day long I came to walk on air. I wonder why, I wonder why. I keep tossing in my sleep at night and what's more I've lost my appetite. Stars that used to twinkle in the sky are twinkling in my eyes, I wonder why. You don't need analyzing, it is not so surprising that you feel very strange but nice. I know the rose pitter patter, I know just what's the matter because I've been there once, once, once. Put your head on my shoulder, you need someone who's older, I'll drop down with a velvet glove. There is nothing you can take to relieve that pleasant ache, you're not sick, you're just in love. I hear singing and there's no one there. I smell blossoms and the trees are bare. All day long I came to walk on air, I wonder why, I wonder why. I keep tossing in my sleep at night and what's more I've lost my appetite. Stars that used to twinkle in the sky are twinkling in my eyes, I wonder why. Hello. I'm not going to tell you how it all comes out, darling, because you'll be wanting to see it for yourselves one of these years. What do you, Ethel Merman, Paul Lucas and Russell Nye, for making congratulations? Thank you. Thank you. Darling, here you are in another musical hit that's sure to run at least two years. How many does that make, Ethel? I'll bet you've been in about thirty musicals that have run at least two years. Well, I don't know the exact number, dear, but I'll look it up in my bank book. Yes, dear. Oh, and Paul, darling, finding Ethel in a musical, well that's no novelty, but how did you, a dramatic actor, decide to do a Broadway musical? Well, Tallulah, it's a long story. Well, that's very easy, darling. You see, it was... Oh, Ethel, Ethel, I suppose you must be bothered by hundreds of friends calling up a ticket for your shows. Of course, I wouldn't dream of bothering you about the two that I've been trying to get. A man stopped me on the street in Hollywood one day. Oh, it's no bother at all. I happen to have two tickets with me, but they're way back in the fourth row and knowing your eyes... I'll take them, darling. Oh, by the way, are you still charging the same brokerage fee you charged for Annie Get the Dose? And this man said to me, Paul, how are you? And I said, oh, I cannot complain. Why, Tallulah dear, I wouldn't dream of charging you, now that you've had to become a radio announcer. And this man says to me, Paul, what are you doing now? And I said, I've been talking to you, and we both laughed, except him. Oh, Ethel, darling, darling, for your information, I will have you know that I just finished a long run in private lives. And if you remember also, Miss Merman, you came to see me in that with two tickets I gave you. Well, I felt someone should show up to you. Well, this man and I stood there talking in the street for about an hour, and I caught a very bad cold. Ethel, my pet, private lives happened to be one of my biggest hits, and there were many others, as you well know, the little foxes, if you please. I've been in a few myself. There was Girl Crazy, Dark Victory, Anything Goes, Skin of Our Teeth, Panama Hattie, Private Lives, Annie Get Your Gun, Private Lives. I went home and took a hot bath, but my cold didn't get better. Call me, madam. Pal Joey. You weren't in Pal Joey. No, but Gene Kelly, who happens to be one of my very best friends, was in it, and she gave me two tickets. She got you tickets. So I finally decided I'd better go and see my doctor. And besides, Lou, Pal Joey happened to be a musical, something you've never been in, my dear. Well, of course I haven't, darling. I'm a legitimate theater. Great dramatic plays. My doctor is a specialist in calls. He has them all the time. Great plays, huh? Rodney, it was beautiful while it lasted, but now we've come to the parting of the ways. We are through. Finished. Fini. Choice of one. Musicals. Musicals, indeed. Ha! I got rhythm, I got rhythm. And my doctor cured me. I got rhythm, I got rhythm. Who can ask for anything more? Oh, Paul, my dear Paul, I've neglected you, haven't I? Now, what were you saying, dear? Well, it is a long story, Talula. You see a man stopped me on the street in Hollywood one day. Oh, Talula dear, will you excuse me? I have to go to my dressing room and change for my next scene. Oh, of course, Emdol. Go right ahead. It was so nice talking to you. We always have such stimulating conversations when we get together, don't we, darling? Oh, I wouldn't have missed it for the world. And I want you to know, Talula, that Paul and I have had such fun working with you, haven't we, Paul? And this man says to be fraud. I want you to know, Talula, that it's an honor and a pleasure to be on the same stage with such a gracious and talented artist as you are. Now, just a minute. What do you mean by that? Oh, Talula, for goodness sake, let's not start that again, because if you do, I'm liable to haul off and ring your chimes. If anybody is going to ring my chimes around here, I'm going to ring my chimes. This is NBC, the national broadcasting company. The Big Show. This is the national broadcasting company Sunday Extravaganza with the most scintillating personalities in show business. This portion of the program is the Sunday feature of NBC's star-studded five-show festival of comedy, music, drama, and mystery, presented five nights a week. And brought to you by RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television, and by the makers of Anison for fast relief from pain of headache, ureitis, and neuralgia. The big stars in our first program are Fred Allen, Mindy Carson, Jimmy Durante, Jose Ferrer, Portland Hopper, Frankie Lane, Paul Lucas, Ethel Merman, Russell Knight, Danny Thomas, and Meredith Wilson. And here is your hostess, the glamorous, Deluna Bankhead. You know, darlings, we have more stars on this show than there are in the Milky Way. From the candy bar, the same thing. We have assembled in our show in Radio City Center Theater in New York some of the greatest entertainers of our time. We have such people as... Just a minute, just a minute. Hold the show. Stop that dialogue. James Durante, what's the matter now? What's the matter, she says. I'm sitting in my dressing room in front of my mirror, plucking my eyebrows, putting on my makeup. Max Factor Injunu, number two. When I look in the mirror, the fella in the mirror ain't doing the same thing as I'm doing. Well, who was it? I don't know, but there he is standing out there now. Oh, Jimmy, that Danny Thomas. Danny Dolly. Just a minute, you. You mean me? Yeah, you. I want to ask you a question. Answer yes or no. Where did you get that nose? I may have asked you the same question. Where did you get your nose? I had this nose for years. Oh, now please, darling. Stay out of this, no nose. This is a catastrophe. There's only room on this program for one schnozola. Either he takes his nose and goes, or I take my nose and goes. Goodbye, Jimmy, darling. This is sabotage. Okay, I'm going, and after the show I'll be waiting outside for you and your nose. Yeah, what are you going to do about my nose? I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. He's a whimsical character, isn't he? Another impersonator. I suppose everybody thinks he can do an impression of Jimmy Durante. No, darling, that was. How do you like the nerve of that guy? He doesn't like my nose. He didn't even give it a chance. I should have said, I should have said, it's a kind of a nose that grows on you. I should have said. Who do you think he is, Durante? It was me. Either your nose goes or my nose goes, he says. I should have said, well, you take yours and blow, I should have said. I should have said, I should have said. Now look here, Durante, I don't. That was Durante? And pussies. Why don't you tell me? He's my favorite. I've idolized him ever since I was a kid. Oh, well, Danny, you can apologize to him later. Well, I most certainly will apologize. I'll get down on my hands and nose. I mean, knees. But look, Tallulah, I don't want any trouble with anybody. I'm at peace with the world, honest I am. I've been to a psychiatrist. I feel wonderful. As a matter of fact, I have a song on the subject. Oh, all right, Danny. Will you tell us about it, Danny? Come on. I'd love to tell you about it. There seems to be so much chaos in the world, people hating everybody and everybody in a big hurry to die. I figured that a little philosophy would help. In other words, things aren't so bad that they couldn't be worse, so don't worry, they'll be worse. The title of the song is Take it Easy, Be Casual, Relapse. Does this hectic world around you get you down? Are you gloomier than anyone in town? May I in all humility suggest a simple cure? And if you care to heed it, you'll be happier, I'm sure. For instance, when you're betting on a horse, you're going to win a course. You're already planning on two new Cadillacs. When you lose, make this note just before you cut your throat. Take it easy, be casual, relax. Or when you come home late some nights, you don't put out the lights as you quietly remove your coat and your slacks. When the lights glare in your eyes and your friends all yell, surprise! Take it easy, be casual, but pull your pants up. No, I say that because it can be too casual. And if you're too casual, you're liable to become blase. And if you're blazed, you're not having fun. No, with you everything is ass-so-whack. That's an awful thing, to drive people to suicide, ass-so-whack. I know a story about a fallout on the West Coast, not too long ago. He went to a rancher and he said to the fallout, sell me a horse and I said, how much do you charge me? I have to have this horse delivered to my house tomorrow. The next day the horse was delivered. The fallout said to the rancher, bring the horse into the house, take him right into the bathroom and put him in the bathtub. His request was silly, but it was complied with. And the rancher said, friend, I've been selling horses for nigh on the 40 years. That's the first one I ever put in the bathtub. What do you want that horse in the bathtub for? The fallout said, look, it's my brother-in-law from the East. One of them wise guys, driving me nuts. Nothing impresses this guy. I took him to MGM Studios. I got Clark Gable's autograph for him. I said to him, aren't you excited, Clark Gable? He says, eh, so what? I took him to the Brownsville, to the Coliseum, to the Rose Bowl. I said, isn't this sensational? He says, eh, so what? Nothing disturbs that guy. Nothing excites him. Everything is eh, so what? Well, tomorrow morning when he comes running out of the bathroom and he says, hey, there's a horse in the bathtub. I'm going to say, eh, so what? Oh, take it easy. Be calm and be cool. Then, if your wife runs off with all your jacks, it could be worse. She might come back and bring her mother with her. That was cruel. I apologize. I wish to apologize to all the mothers-in-law present and those who are listening. Not mine, just to those present and those who are listening. I'm not going to tell mother-in-law jokes. I stopped telling those kind of jokes 14 years ago. That's when I got married. Since then, they haven't been so funny. But I read a story in a book on folklore called Mother-in-law Relativity. But to me, it's the finest bit of psychology coupled with humor I've ever read. And you've got to hear it. Two women meet in the street and after the usual salutations, one woman says, tell me darling, how's your daughter? She said, my daughter, thank God. Very lucky. My daughter married a man that's a prince. You don't let her put her hands in cold water. She stays in bed till 12 o'clock noon every day. Shops by sex like a movie star. And what do you think? Every afternoon, drinks cocktails. My daughter's very lucky. The woman said, that's wonderful and how's your son? Don't ask. That poor boy. He married one of those fancy shmancy girls, but got to stay in bed till 12 o'clock noon every day. He's loaded money by tax and she's a drunk. Drinks cocktails all the time. So when your business takes you far from home, and you call your wife on the phone, your name is John, and she says, hello Max. Don't be blue or discontent. Maybe Max will slip the rent. Take it easy. Be casual. If you want to have fun, this is how it's done. Danny, that was delightful. And what a performance you gave, especially for someone who's just flown in from California. You must be dead tired, darling. Yes, and I can say in all modesty that everyone thinks I'm a tired comedian. Not I, darling. You know, I told them at NBC who were planning the show that it couldn't be a big broadcast without Danny Thomas. How can I ever repay you for coming? With money. And no slow he. I was only joking, Tallulah. Believe me, I'm honored to be listed among the great names on this show. I would have appeared on this program for a song. Well, how lucky for me because I was wondering about how to introduce Mindy Carson. Mindy, darling. Hello, Tallulah. Hello, Danny. Mindy, Danny just told me that he would do this show for a song. So it's up to you, darling. How about it? Oh, yes, I'd love to. I'd like to sing my latest Darcy and Victor recording. It's called A Rainy Day Refrain. I'm dreaming to the rhythm of the rain. I get the sweetest memories from the rhythm of a rainy day refrain. I've got that little love song on my brain. I guess there's no escaping from the rhythm of a rainy day refrain. The lovely day we met, I still remember well. Who cared if it was just like the rain itself? An April afternoon of rainy day romance. The raindrops played a tune, our hearts together danced. We're so in love, I'll always love the rain. I get the sweetest memories from the rhythm of a rainy day refrain. The lovely day we met, I still remember well. Who cared if it was just like the rain itself? An April afternoon of rainy day romance. The raindrops played a tune, our hearts began to dance. We're so in love, I'll always love the rain. I get the sweetest memories from the rhythm of a rainy day refrain. The rhythm of a rainy day refrain. You folks at home, would you please glance over here just a second. What do you see? A small table radio, a console, a radio phonograph? For as low as $12.95, you can add the RCA Victor 45 RPM system of recorded music to your present set, regardless of size, age, or make. Now at this low price, you needn't be without the music you want when you want it. You've seen the Victrola 45 attachment. It's the automatic changer that plays the amazing 7-inch records. Everyone's going 45. It's all play and no work. Load a stack of your favorites with one hand in one swift motion, press a button and relax. 45s can play as long as ordinary 12-inch records, and you can store them in a bookshelf. The 45 is yours for only $12.95. So don't put off all that pleasure. See and hear the RCA Victor 45 at your dealer's right away. Just 10 days from now, Broadway will have its first showing of a new movie which has already stirred vast excitement in all who love the tradition of a great performer in a great play. The movie is Stanley Kramer's production of Rostand's immortal comedy, Cyrano. And here in a sneak preview is the distinguished young star of the picture, José Ferrer, at Cyrano de Bellerac. The time, 17th century France. The place, the Theatre de Bourgogne in Paris. Angrily mounted on a chair, just below the footlights is the heroic figure of Cyrano de Bellerac, who has just stopped the play and ordered the foppish actor Montferri off the stage. In all France there is no one to match Cyrano as swordsman, poet, playwright and whip. And in all France, nay, in all the world, there is no nose to match the size of Cyrano's outlandish nose. Ah, but a member of the audience dares speak. Monsieur, how dare you interrupt the play. What a scandal to send the great Montferri scampering from the stage here between his legs. Did you know that Corsigis is a patron? Who is yours? No one. No one? No patron? I said no. What? No great lord to cover with his name? No, I have told you twice. Must I repeat? No, sir. No patron. And when do you leave Paris? Sir? The Corsigis has a long arm. Mine is longer by the three feet of my sword. Yes, yes. But you're the dream of daring. I do dream of daring. You may go now. You may go. Or tell me, why are you staring at my nose? No, I... Does it astonish you? Oh, your great misunderstanding. Is it long and soft and dangling like a trunk? I never said I... Or crooked like an owl's beak? Really, I... Or perhaps a pimple on and at the end of it? Oh, no. Or a fly parading up and down? What is this portent? Oh, please. This phenomenon? I have been careful not to look. Oh, and why not if you please? Why? It disgusts you then? Oh, my dear sir. Does its color appear to you unholstered? Oh, by no means. Or its form obscene? Not in the least. Then why assume this deprecating manner? Possibly you find it just a trifle large. Oh, no. Small. Very small. Infinitesimal. Tiny. What? You accuse me of absurdity. Small my nose. Why, magnificent my nose. My color? You're choking. You tug, you knob, you button head. Know that I glory in this nose of mine, for a great nose indicates a great man. Genial, courteous, intellectual, virile, and courageous. Whilst your face, that blank and glorious concavity which my right hand finds on top of you, is as devoid of pride, of poetry, of soul, of picturesqueness, of contour, of character, of nose in short, as that which at the end of that limp spine of yours, my left foot. Help. Help. Help the god. Help. I don't think he's saved me. Presently this fellow will go tiresome. Eh, Valvier? Oh, he blows his big horn. Don't just stand there, Valvier. You're the finest swordsman in France. Do something. Gladly. Monsieur de Bergerac, your nose is, your nose is rather large. Rather? Oh, well. Is that all? Well, of course. Ah, no, young sir, you're too simple. Why, you might have said, oh, a great many things. Monsieur, why waste your opportunity? For example thus, aggressive. Aye, sir, if that nose were mine, I would have it amputated on the spot. Friendly. How do you drink with such a nose? Descriptive. It is a rock, a crag, a cape. A cape. Say, rather, a peninsula. Inquisitive. What is that receptacle? A razor case or a portfolio? Kindly. Ah, do you love the little birds so much that when they come and sing to you, you give them this to perch on? Cautious. Take care. A weight like that might make you top-heavy. Eloquent. When it blows, the typhoon howls. Dramatic. When it bleeds, oh, the Red Sea. Simple. When do they unveil the monument? Military. Beware. A secret weapon. Disrespectful. Sir, I recognize in you a man of past, a man of, uh, prominence. Enterprising. What a sign for some perfumer. Practical. Why not a lottery with this as the grand prize? Or literary. Was this the nose that launched a thousand ships? These, my dear sir, are some of the things you might have said had you some tinge of letters or of which to color your discourse. Not so. You never had an atom. And of letters, you need but three to write you down. A-S-S. What? S. Sir, I warn you. And I, sir, warn you. Moreover, if you had the intention here before these folk to make a jest of me, be sure you would not then articulate the twentieth part of half a syllable of the beginning. For I say these things likely enough myself about myself. But I allow none else to utter them. Insolent puppy. Dolt, pumpkin, fool. How do you do? And I, Cyrano Savignin, Hercule de Begirac. He come down there. Come. Such arrogance. This scarecrow hulk. Look at him. No ribbons, no lace, not even gloves. True. I carry my adornments only on my soul, decked with deeds instead of ribbons, crowned with a white plume of freedom. But. I have no gloves. A pity, too. I had one, the last one of an old pair, and lost that. Very careless of me. Some gentleman offered me an impertinence. I left it in his face. So be it. Your sword. My sword. You shall die exquisitely. Well, Jose, that was a very exciting performance you gave, Cyrano. And I know when everyone sees you in the picture, they'll be even more thrilled. But I hope Broadway isn't lost, hasn't lost you to the movies entirely, you know, because, well, there are critics who consider you the greatest actor on the American stage today. Oh, well, now, Tallulah, I wouldn't say the greatest. Okay, darling, I won't. Well, wait a minute, Tallulah. Put up a little fight, can't you? I'd like to meet this gentleman of a name, Miss Bankhead. Oh, of course, darling. Jose, this is Meredith Wilson. Meredith, say hello to Jose Ferrer. Hello, Jose Ferrer. How do you do? Why, Mr. Ferrer, I certainly enjoyed that little recitation you just spoke. Recitation? Yeah, about the fellow with the big nose. It reminded me of a fellow back home. He had a big nose, too. Named Wally Parker. A nose named Wally Parker? Yeah. No, his name was Wally Parker. Do you think I meant his nose was named Wally Parker? No, his name was Wally Parker. How do you like that, Miss Bankhead? He thought I meant his nose was named Wally Parker. Meredith, dear boy, will you go on with your sordid little story? Well, this all happened back in my hometown, Mason City, Iowa. Yes, a one-nighter. Yeah, and one night he was going to propose to his girl, Suzy Witherspoon, but on account of his nose, he just couldn't get up the courage to ask her to marry him. Well, she finally married a fellow named Ralph Douglas. He's in the feed business. They're very happy. Tell her, is this the fellow who made that brilliant music for our... Yes, yes, darling, it is. But he's written a lot of beautiful songs, too. He has a new one now called The Peony Bush. How about it, Meredith, will you play it? Sure, I'd be glad to. Oh, by the way, I just happened to remember. The fellow's name was Ben Parker, not Wally. That makes it even funnier. Will you play Peony Bush? Every rose, every tree, and every bird and bee Seem to rate a roundelay or two. So a slight poetic bush, or my favorite bush Would seem to be long overdue. Was the peony bush there in my garden That made you turn around to smile at me? Not zinni nor godini, but it's fragrant perfume For every notch in fancy pots I rock in. But the peony bush there's in my garden It did the trick as quick as one, two, three. Please decorate my garden gate forever And never will there be any bush But the peony bush for me. Was the peony bush there in my garden That made you turn around to smile at me? Was the peony bush there in my garden That made you turn around to smile at me? Not zinni nor godini, but it's fragrant perfume For every notch in fancy pots I rock in. But the peony bush there's in my garden It did the trick as quick as one, two, three. Please decorate my garden gate forever And never will there be any bush But the peony bush for me. There are lots of other kinds of plants That nearly wouldn't hang Any garden I'm sure you'll agree But never will there be any bush But the peony bush for me. Every day you hear more and more about a remarkable way to relieve the pain of headaches, neuritis, and neuralgia. The name is Anisine, spelled A-N-A-C-I-N. Thousands of men and women first discovered these tablets when they were given an envelope containing Anisine by their own physicians or dentists. Perhaps you yourself at some time have learned about Anisine this way. If so, you know how incredibly fast and effective these tablets are. Anisine is like a doctor's prescription. That is, Anisine contains not just one, but a combination of medically proven active ingredients in easy-to-take tablet form. When headache, neuritis, or neuralgia pain strikes, you want relief and you want it fast. So for your own sake, try Anisine. Sold on this money-back guarantee. If the first few tablets don't give satisfaction, you may return the unused portion and your money will be refunded. Ask for Anisine at any drug counter in handy boxes of 12 and 30 tablets, bottles of 50 and 100. Uh, fellas, attention please. I didn't like the way you played that last number. There's going to be a rehearsal of the orchestra right after the show. Didn't like the way the clarinet section sounded at all. I want you four fellas. I mean, I want you five fellas. Five? Should be only four. Let me see now. There's Cousin Ed, Uncle Walter, Uncle Martin, and Gramps. Mm-hmm. And you, that fifth fella over there, who are you? It ain't Wally Parker, kiddies. Well done. Applause Greg, come on out here. What are you doing in that orchestra? Well, NBC, uh, he's still being convulsed. He is, is he? NBC, NBC has tried me on radio and they've tried me on television. Now while they're waiting for a new medium to come along, they're trying me on this special assignment with my clarinet, sort of freelancing. I see, darling. Now, what special assignment? Well, first the announcer, Ed Hurley, he has to ad-lib something about... This portion of the program is brought to you by RCA Victor, world leader in radio first and recorded music first in television, and by the Whitehall Pharmacal Company, makers of Anise and Colonose, Fisodol, and other fine drug products. And then I'm supposed to play... And then the first chimes, the first time you ever had a half a tone chime. And then, then I am supposed to say, this is NBC, the national broadcasting company. Fred, my darling. You fool. Oh, yeah. It's so nice to have you back on radio. I've missed you. Oh, so you are the one. According to Hooper, you are the one. No, darling, we've all missed you. Why don't you come back, Fred? Well, I'll tell you, darling. I have been dabbling in something which, for the want of a better name, we shall call television. Please, darling, people are eating. Oh, I'm sorry. Say, you didn't by any chance happen to see me on my first television show, did you? No, I didn't, Fred. Oh, you weren't home? Oh, oh, yes, I was home, darling. Oh, no set, darling? No guts, darling. Well, you know television's a new media, and I have discovered why they call it a media, because nothing is well done. Oh, very little. Oh, darling, I think you're so funny. So you are the one. No, Fred, no, seriously speaking, darling. Well, as if we haven't been. What else have we? Well, no, no, no. Why did you leave radio? Well, I'll tell you, Tallulah, they wanted me to do one of those programs where you call up people on the telephone and ask them questions and give them prizes, you see. And that's why I quit and went into television. You mean? Yes, it was a choice between the medium and the telephone. Wait for law. Oh, oh, sweetie. No, no, don't, don't read the stuff in parenthesis. You'll skip that. Oh, I'm sorry. Well, anyway, I'm glad I was able to get you back on radio, even if it is only as a guess. Uh-huh. You know, when they told me about this big name broadcast, I told them it wouldn't be a big name broadcast without you, Fred. Well, in radio, Fred has been a four-letter word for some time. Well, in fact, I insisted that they put you on this show. You insisted you met with some stiff opposition, did you? Well, I had to go through channels. Oh, I say, I've read about those channels, but I had thought of coming back to radio if I could find a new formula, a format, you know. I did get one idea, and strangely enough, it came from Portland. She seemed to think that if I... Mr. Allen! Well... Mr. Allen! Well, as I stand here and feign surprise, if it isn't Portland now. Portland, Georgia, I had some more here. See, we didn't rehearse the audience. It says applause after this, but you see... Well, we didn't rehearse, and this is what's mixing things. Portland, you're just in time. This is Tallulah Bankhead. Hello, Portland. I'm glad to see you. How do you do, sir? Portland, I understand that you weren't on the first television show, Fred. Why was that? But my dress wasn't cut low enough. Oh. You mean a dress with a V-neck? A TV neck. Well, before this conversation gets too fey, Portland... Portland, how about telling Tallulah the idea you thought up for a radio show for me? Oh, I didn't think of it. Mama thought of it. Oh, your mother is writing for radio now? Well, by the way, I was on television the other night, Portland. Did your mother see me? Oh, she never could. You mean that your mother thinks that I... As Mama put it, to the high heavens. Ad lib a stinging retort. Fred, you're reading the parentheses. Oh, the parentheses. This jumbo type. Oh, yes. Well, Portland, enough of Mama as a George Gene Nuffin. Now, how about... how about this idea of hers for a radio show? Yes, let's hear the idea. The idea, please. Well, Mama thought first, you ought to have an announcer who's big and fat and jolly... Yeah. ...and laughs all through the program. Yucks it up, huh? And you ought to get an orchestra leader who's tall, good-looking, and eats ham hocks. Ham hocks. Well, say, Portland, that sounds like... And you have a young fellow who sings, and his mother always wants you to pay him more money. Singer, but, Portland, that idea... And you have a butler who drives your car, which is a broken-down Maxwell. Maxwell Butt. And you have a quartet that sings your commercial. Commercial Butt. And for your sponsor, you get a cigarette company. Cigarette Butt. And you'll be the star of the show, Mr. Allen. Oh, really? I can be in it too, huh? Uh-huh. You wear a toupee. You're always 39 years old. You play a violin, and you do your own laundry. And you have a washing machine that you rent out to your neighbors. Hey. And you're very tight, and you keep your money down in a ball. I'm sort of the pinch penny type, huh? Yes. And that's a wonderful title. You could call it the Pinch Penny Program. Well, I don't know, Portland. What's the future in becoming a salesman for Jello? I mean, where could you go? Well, what's the matter? Do you think Mama's idea revolutionary? Well, it is a little revolting. What do you think, Miss Bankhead? You haven't had any lines for a whole page. I was wondering when you'd notice, darling. Do you think that kind of a program would go anywhere? Yes, darling, to another network. Well, how about trying out this idea right now, Mr. Allen? No, no, I don't think I could... But, Mr. Allen, what have you got to lose? Space. An excellent reason for doing it, darling. So on with the Pinch Penny Program. Pinch Penny. The Pinch Penny Program. Thirty minutes of high jinks with your favorite radio comedian, star of stage screen and laundry, Pinch Penny. Well, here it is, seven o'clock, and Pinch Penny isn't here yet. I wonder where he can be. Say, that always gets me. There's a guy who gets $25,000 a week for doing that program, and you know he's not going to be late. He's probably been standing there since noon with his bare money belt hanging out. Try another opening. Could you scare up another opening? Okay. Well, as you know, ladies and gentlemen, this is the first show of the new season, and so we give you the star of our show, just back from an extended three-month, 30-cent tour of Radio City, Pinch Penny. Hello again. Hello again. This is Pinch Penny. And Don Thomas, you know that's not true. You know I took a cruise to Honolulu. It was a wonderful boat trip. Really? How did you go, Mr. Penny? First class? Well, not exactly. Second class? Well, no. You see... Third class? Well, no, Don Z. Oh, then you must have gone steerage. Steerage? Why, Don, how can you say that about me? It's easy. Didn't you find it pretty crowded down in steerage? Don, for your information, I'll have you know that I had the whole boat to myself. What boat was that? Well, it was one of those little boats that hangs over the side of the big boat. Oh, so you went so away. Yes, that's the class I was trying to think of. And it's the only way to travel, Don, with the wind and the spray and my hair. Your hair, Mr. Penny? Well, I had it hanging over the side of the boat. Now stop that, Don. Did you like Honolulu? Oh, it's so colorful there. And I'll never forget the day we docked. All the little native boys standing on the pier and the people on the boat throwing pennies into the water. And the way those little rascals dive in and fight to get that money. They go through all that trouble for pennies? Well, after all, Don, it's not taxable. No inheritance tax or anything. Liquid assets, you know, just as you can pick it out. Mr. Penny, don't tell me that you were... Now, Don, please, after all, say, where is everybody? Where's Dennis? I want to talk to Dennis about his song for our first show. Oh, here he is. Hello, Dennis. Hello, Don. Mr. Penny, my mother thinks... Hello, Dennis. My mother thinks I ought to get more money for this new season. I said hello, Dennis. Hello, Mr. Penny. My mother thinks I ought to get more money for this new season. Now, later, later, kid. Now, look, for your first song this year... My mother thinks I'm underpaid. Your mother doesn't know what she's talking about. Now, for your... Oh, what you said. Now, for your first song... My mother is the brains of the family. Some brains. Now, look, kid, for your first song... She was an undergraduate from the University of Southern California. Come louder. I say she was an undergraduate from the University of Southern California. Now, put that out. I pay you ample salaries. You mean sample. My mother says that Bing Crosby makes as high as $50 a week and sometimes $75. Bing Crosby has a lot of interest. He's in the orange shoes business. He owns a baseball club. Where does he find the time for all that? He makes movies. He runs a racetrack. Where does he find the time for all that? He has four sons. Where does he find the time? Where? Well, my mother either says I get money or I'll quit. Well, goodbye, darling. I mean, goodbye. I mean, goodbye, Dennis. Every time I open my mouth to quit, somebody says, goodbye, darling. All right, goodbye. And my mother says she's going to send you back these pennies you sent from Honolulu. Where? Mr. Penny, you don't mean you dole for pennies with those kids in Honolulu. Well, the water was so delightfully warm, Donzi. And now I am in the spot. What am I going to do about a singer for the program? Oh, don't worry about that. Singers are a dime a dozen. They are? Where? Where? Where can you get them for a dime a dozen? Where? Where? Where are singers that I'm producing? There's a bunch of singers in a choral group here. Say, any of you boys want to sing on this program? I'll sing. All right, boy. Step over here. What's your name, son? Frankie Lane. Frankie Lane. Frankie Lane, that's not a very good stage name, son, if you want to get anywhere, I mean. But we'll change your name later. Sing, Frankie. Hold it. Hold it just a minute, kid. Come in. Mr. Penny? Yes, I'm Mr. Penny. Mr. Penny, I'm making a survey of all the men in this district. What is your age? Thirty-nine. Well, we are making a list of all available men under forty. I am from your local draft board. Oh, oh. Well, I've been meaning to talk to you guys on the draft board about that. Sing, kid. I had this trouble during the Spanish-American War. You see, Mr. and Mrs. You gave me green, you gave me blue skies above. You gave me a beautiful blue sky above. You gave me green, you gave me blue skies above. But Lord, a man gets awfully lonesome without a woman to love. You gave me tall timber, you made me free as a dove. But Lord, a man gets awfully lonesome without a woman to love. You gave me two lips, but no one to thrill them. You gave me two arms, but no one to fill them. And ever since the war began, woman has warred with man. You gave me song, moonlight. You gave me dreams to dream of. But Lord, a man gets awfully lonesome without a woman to love. And ever since the war began, woman has warred with man. You gave me song, moonlight. You gave me dreams to dream of. But Lord, a man gets awfully lonesome without a woman to love. You gave me song, moonlight. I had an offer to sing on television with Fred Allen, you know. Oh, please, people are eating, please. But I tell you what I will do. I'll take an option on you and think it over, mull it over a while for 30 days. I'll give you an advance, okay? Golly, that's fine, Mr. Penny. How about five? That'll be wonderful. Here you are. There's one, two, three, four, five. Gee, thanks, Mr. Penny. So long, kid. Golly, Indian heads. And they're so bright and shiny. Where is everybody, Mr. Penny? We've got to have a rehearsal of the show. Well, Portchester should be here any minute with the scripts. Here's Portchester now. Oh, yes. Hello, Portchester. Hello, though. Now, look, darling, I mean, Portchester, did you finish typing the scripts? Yes, though, but I had a lot of trouble. It's tough to write on the typewriter. There's only five keys on it. Only five letters on that typewriter? Well, what's the matter with that? I've done very well with those five letters. What five letters are they, Portchester? L, F, M, F, and T. Well, it's like sending up smoke signals. Well, it's a corona typewriter, isn't it? Ha ha ha! Mr. Penny, I think you're the funniest. Oh, so you're the one. Well, I wish the rest of the cast would get here so we could rehearse. Well, Mr. Penny, I have the quartet here if you want them to run over the commercial. We have no commercial. This is a sustaining program. But they've already rehearsed it, Mr. Penny, haven't you, fellas? But... Hmm! We don't need a quartet. We have no commercial. Okay, fellas, let them hear it. But fellas... S-U-S-T-A-I-N-I-N-G We're sustaining M-P-C S-U-S-T-A-I-N-I-N-G Who's sustaining O-T-V But fellas... Oh, no, fellas. Boys, men... Quiet! Quiet! Now look. Whap! Another whale and I'll strike oil in it. Look, fellas, I haven't got time for that now. I'm waiting for my clarinet teacher. He's supposed to be here. I'm going to call him up and see what's keeping him. Hand me that phone, will you, Porchester? Here you are, Bo. Thank you. Hello? Hello, Operator? What is the matter with those girls out there? Mindy, blue eyes are flashing. Oh, no. If they are, asshole, it's the first time I ever saw them flash. Did he give you a present when he got back from his vacation? Yeah, he gave me a locket. Ain't it a beauty? Oh, yeah, an Indian head. But it's nice, though, isn't it? Oh, they're a dime a dozen. Oh, not these. They've gone up. They're ten for a dime. But instead of bringing me expensive gifts, I sure wish he'd stop making up new rules. Oh, Mindy, you're always telling me about your troubles. I have troubles, too, but you never ask me how I'm getting along. All right, asshole, how are you getting along? Don't ask. How are you getting along with Herman? Don't ask. Gee, I thought he was going to take you out Saturday night. Didn't ask. Why, I thought he had intentions. Oh, sure he's got intentions, but he don't want to get married. Oh, man, you sure got to hand it to him. Not Herman. He takes it himself. But what happened to that other fellow? What's his name? You know, Harry. Oh, I could never marry him. Why not? Well, we used to ride home on the subway together, and I got off on 34th Street, and he got off on 23rd Street. So what? So I realized I could never marry a man below my station. Say, Ed, he's flashing again. Maybe we ought to answer. Hello, hello, yes, hello. Say, what's going on out there? I want you to get my clarinet teacher on the phone for me and tell him to come right down here. What? Oh, all right, I'll give you one, too. Gold diggers, copper diggers, Indian head she wants here. I'm back, Mr. Penny. My mother changed my mind. Oh, she did? But this is going to be my last season because for next year, my mother's got me a contract with Metro Golden Mayor for a thousand dollars a week. A thousand? Yeah. That's right, a thousand a week. MGM signed a contract with you? Oh, signed. Now, cut that out. Have no fear. Meredith Harris is here. Well, it's about time. It's about time you showed up. Where were you? Take it easy, Dad. I'm here, ain't I? Where was you, he asked me. Where was you? I said, where were you? Okay, if you're going to get geometrical about it. Well, ain't we dandy. If I'd have known, I'd have brung you an apple. It's not brung, it's broad. Ah, tell it to the morons. What goes around here? How about the rehearsal? You'll have to wait until we get through with my clarinet lesson. Until my teacher comes, I think I'll do a little practicing. My teacher will be here any minute. He comes by bus, so it'll take a little while for him to get here. I think I'll get down and have an ice cream soda. I think I'll get down too. I'll have an ice cream soda with you. I'm going down too. I can't stand any more of this. Well, come with us. You going to have a soda? Yeah, I always take one jigger of soda. Got to leave plenty of room for that good stuff on me. Ah, cowards. Mr. Allen. Oh, you're back again, are you, Forkland? Well, tell me, what did your mother think of the way we took off that Sterling character she originated for radio? Well, Mr. Allen, she doesn't think it's your type of program. She has another fellow in mind for it. Mr. Livingston, I presume? Well, she has got a wonderful idea that would just fit you. Oh, another idea, really? She thinks you ought to have a program where you walk down an alley, and you talk to people you meet there, like a southern congressman, an old farmer, and an Irishman. And you tell a lot of old sure-file jokes, and find myself broadcasting at the same time everybody else is listening to a quiz program someplace. I know what you mean, Forkland. I'm not going through that again. No, sir. Ladies and gentlemen, it is only coincidence that tonight marks the eighth anniversary of the passing of the immortal George M. Cohen. It is a fitting coincidence for us because we all somehow feel the presence, the friendly approval, the exhilaration one always knew when George M. was around. The big show would not be truly big if we did not have something here that was created by the greatest showman of them all. We have his songs, and we're going to sing them now, and we feel you'd like to sing along with us. So on stage, Jimmy, Fred, Danny, Ethel, Frankie, Mindy, everyone, and keep a place for me. Our cue, Meredith. It's time for George M. Cohen to take another bow, leading off with Fred Allen. H-A-R-I-G-A-N spells Harrigan. Proud of all the Irish blood that's in me, Dibble a man can say a word again me. H-A-R-I-G-A-N-U-C. It's a name that a shame never has been connected with. Harrigan, that's me. Frankie, you're next. Society, society will always say Marie, but it was Mary, oh, Mary, long before the fashions came. And there is something there that sounds so square, and it's a grand old name. Ethel, take it. I'm a Yankee Doodle dandy, a Yankee Doodle do or die. I'll real-life neck you out, my Uncle Sam, born on the 4th of July. I've got a Yankee Doodle sweetheart, she's my Yankee Doodle joy. Yankee Doodles came to town just to ride the pony. I am that Yankee Doodle boy. Frankie and Danny, come on in. Honest little girlie, I am strong for you. When you go away, I'm gonna long for you. Won't you please encourage me with just a word or two? Doodle. We might get arrested. You needn't say you love me, for I'm pretty sure you don't. Tell me that you like me, and there's nothing that I won't be glad to do. That's honestly true. And so I go along for you, I do along for you, because I'm only strong for you. You are strong for you. Go on, Jenny. Now always leave him laughing when you say goodbye. You wear out your welcome if you mull a cry. When you meet a fellow with a tear in his eye, you can leave him laughing if you try. Now interrupt a fellow with a joke he's never heard. He will laugh and then declare that it's a bird. When he's jiggling good, you know that's the time to turn and go. Always leave him laughing when you say goodbye. Mindy Carson, you're next. He for software, do for do for thing, babe. He for software, do for do for swing, babe. Gather up the honey, do the Michigan glide. Tide to the side, dance to the bride. He for software, do for do for go, babe. He for software, do for do for slow, babe. Gaze into my glimmers when you're ragging with me. And be my he for software, do for do for rag, baby. He for software, do for do for rag, baby. Take it, Tallulah. Give my regards to Broadway. Remember me on Harrow Square. Tell all the boys at 42nd Street that I will soon be there. With the heart learning from the old times gone. Give my regards to old Broadway and say that I'll be there. You're a brand old flag, you're a high-flying flag and forever and she's the way. You're the emblem of the land I love, the home of the brave. Sunday night from Hollywood. Thank you, Tallulah. Good night, everybody. Good night to you all. Let me see the national broadcast in color.
