The Irene Dunn Fred McMurray Show. Starring Irene Dunn as Susan, and Fred McMurray as George. Together in a new, exciting comedy adventure, Wright's Stomp. The Irene Dunn Fred McMurray Show. Starring Irene Dunn as Susan Armstrong, owner and editor of the Hillsdale Morning Star, and Fred McMurray as George Harvey, the paper's ace reporter. Someone said that lightning never strikes twice in the same place. But then that someone never heard of the Hillsdale Morning Star. Susan Armstrong is busy at the editor's desk, just as lightning is about to strike again. Morning, Ms. Armstrong. Yes, Ami. I was just giving Ms. Meyer a breather on the ad desk, and this came in. Oh, what is it? One of those lonely hearts things. I thought you might be interested. Lonely hearts? Let's see it. Attractive middle-aged woman desires to communicate with successful middle-aged man. Object matrimony. Well, why should I be interested in this, Ami? It's like any other ad in the lonely hearts column. It's a box ad, but take a look where they want the replies sent. Good heavens! That's my house. My address. That's why I thought you'd be interested. I'm sure you haven't made some mistake. No, ma'am. Even with the cold, nobody else could sound like Patience. Patience? She sounds like the differential on a $50 used car. Patience? Did she recognize you? I don't think so. Everybody tells me that over the phone, my voice comes out real sweet like. Yes, I'm sure it must. Sammy, I don't want you to say a word about this to anyone. Yes, ma'am. Is Mr. Harvey in his office? Not at the moment. Where is he? Across the street having brunch. Is this a habit with him? No, ma'am. Most of the time, he goes out later in the afternoon. What's that for? Well, I ain't sure, but the way that guy eats, I'd call it dunge. Well, as soon as he returns from brunching or dungeing, tell him I want to see him immediately. I throw myself away the minute I found out you wanted me, boss. George, I need you. Well, if that is a statement of fact, I hardly agree. If it's a proposal, I say it's a little sudden. Read this. Attractive middle-aged woman desires to communicate with a successful middle-aged man, object matrimony. Why, Susan, you're not middle-aged, and you know it. George, please. I'll admit, I'm not quite successful, but then I'm not quite middle-aged either. Now, if you just told me that you felt like it. Will you stop that? Guess who put that ad in the paper? Not you, for me. Patience. Patience? Your patience? My patience. Let me read this again. Attractive middle-aged woman, well, that lets Patience out right there. She wouldn't be attractive in a full-length dress made out of $10,000 bills. Nevertheless, she phoned that ad in this morning. Must have blown a condenser. Well, suppose she finds the man she's looking for. So is luck ran out, then, so it could happen to anybody. But it means I'd lose her. And then what would I do? Well, you'd find someone else. Oh, there isn't anyone else like Patience. Maybe she's just lonesome. A lot of these old gals get funny ideas when they're sneaking up on 60. Now, Patience is nowhere near 60. All right, so I'll spot you a few years either way. But why should she be lonesome? Well, for one thing, a reading lamp at night isn't exactly what you'd call the bright lights. The bright lights? Oh, Patience would never care for anything like that. I once read a statistic that 95% of the moths that get barbecued in the flame are well over middle moth age. So maybe Patience feels she'd like to kick a little gong herself. I wonder if you're right. Let me call her. I've got an idea. Help yourself. I don't know when I've ever had anything upset me so. We'll work it out. Hello? This is Miss Armstrong, Patience. Oh, yeah? I just wanted to tell you we're dining out tonight at the hotel, dancing too. OK, I'll save the leg of lamb and warm it over tomorrow night. There's some hamburger I can eat. No, Patience, you don't understand. I mean you, too. Me too what? You're included. You're going to the hotel with us. I just got to thinking that you've been working too hard lately, and you need a night off. I haven't got anything to wear. Now, don't you worry about that. We're going informal, and you have beautiful clothes. We? Who's the rest of us? George, of course. Wait a minute. Did you hear me, Patience? I heard you. Is that all right with you? About George, I mean. In every life, a little rain must fall. We'll pick you up around 7. You'll be ready? Ready as I'll ever be. Good. See you then. Bye. What's the big idea? How did I get roped into this? I need you, George. Well, you said that before, but what has this got to do with that? Well, you were the one who thought up the bright light, so. So? So all the people I know, you're the greatest little lamp lighter in the whole world. You know what I wish. Know what? The next time I stick my neck out, I wish somebody would douse my light. Is your stay good, Patience? At these prices, a body should take it home and frame it. Never mind what it costs. Is it good? I've got a better recipe at home. The chef here is famous for his salads. Good, isn't it, Patience? I've got a better recipe at home. Well, you will have to admit this is living, Patience. Bright lights, good food, pleasant people, and there's music in a little while. Excellent service. She's got a better recipe at home. And they're my own recipes, too. I work them out all by myself. Well, you're the best cook in the world, Patience. We all know that. But isn't it a treat being out like this? I just can't help thinking we could eat for a week on what this dinner costs. Now, don't you worry about that. I can afford it, I'm sure. You can afford it? What about him? Think nothing of it, Patience. She can afford it for me, too. Did you notice last week where a husband sued his wife for divorce and the judge awarded him alimony? No. Really? What a strange case. Oh, I don't know. I have a feeling that men are beginning to assert their rights these days. She'll have to pay him $100 a month for the rest of her life. We'll probably be seeing more of these cases as time goes on. Yes. What'd he charge her with? Oh, flirting and things like that. I believe she had her eye on another man. $1,200 a year isn't much for a new husband. Income taxes cost more than that. Uh-huh. Please. The music has started, George. Huh? Oh. Oh, yes. Nice music, too. Patience, how about tripping the light fantastic? Me? Don't be silly. The last time I danced was at a corn husk and bee back in Minnesota. Well, we haven't any corn handy, but, uh, well, maybe we could throw a little asparagus around the floor and get you back in the mood. Dancing's like swimming, Patience, once you know how you never forget. That's what I keep telling my joints. You having trouble with them? Did you ever hear corn popping in a roaster? Sure. That's me and my joints on a dance floor. Now, you just go ahead and dance with Miss Susan. You're sure you won't mind being alone, Patience? One more night won't hurt, will it? No, I guess not. Well, shall we do it? Uh, pleasure. Uh, how are we doing? Not very well. I don't think we've changed our mind at all. Somehow I get the same impression. I'm afraid we're doing this all wrong, George. She didn't camp at the dinner or anything. What about taking her home and sailing into a wild game of hearts, Miss Susan? Well, we've got to do something. This isn't accomplishing anything. You know, I've always had a feeling that in her heart, Patience doesn't really like me. Don't be foolish. Wait a minute. I've just put my finger on it. Patience is fighting you, that's it. What? Yes, that means she's attracted to you. I shouldn't have come along tonight. Susan, do you feel all right? The very next time, we'll see that you're alone with Patience. And if she gets to like you, she'll forget about the other men. Well, that's the se- besides being utterly asinine and preposterous, there's only one other flaw in your scheme. What? Suppose it works. ["Single Bliss"] Single bliss, single bliss, single all the way. Oh, what? Good morning, Susan. That's a new theme song I dreamed up for Patience. I wish I could be sure it was her theme song. How did it go last night after I left? I wouldn't know. She thanked me for the dinner and then went to bed. That's why visions of boyfriends dance through her head. I guess so. Well, I've arranged everything for tonight, George. Oh? Yes, you come out after dinner, and I'll get Patience into the living room, and then remember a long phone call I have to make. Now, the rest is in your hands. Just what do you mean by the rest? Well, I don't have to tell you how to charm women, do I? Well, I wish somebody would. I haven't had too much success lately. Wait a minute. You don't mean I'm supposed to charm Patience, do you? Well, if you could manage to take her mind off other men, that would help. This is a desperate situation, George. It calls for desperate measures. Well, not that desperate, believe me. Look, I'm a reporter, not a gigolo. Good morning. Hello, Sammy. Here's the answers to that ad Patience ran yesterday. Let me see. Five answers. Oh, heavens, this is worse than I thought. That means there are five men in this city who are willing to marry Patience. Well, it's probably a basketball team, and they want her for a roving center. Well, I'd give anything to know what these answers are and how Patience reacts to them. Why don't you ask her? No, that would never do. Hey, wait a minute. That's an idea. Let Sammy do it. Sammy? Sure. Let him take the letters out to Patience and hang around to find out whatever he can find out. You'd like to be a detective, wouldn't you, Sammy? I'd rather be a fireman. You can be a fireman tomorrow, Sammy. It might work at that. Sammy, take these letters out to Patience and watch her reactions closely. Get her to read them if you can. What if I can? Then you can be a fireman, because when you come back, you'll get the ax. I thought they always mailed these answers from the newspaper. Sure, but I figured you were something special, so I brought them over personally. Thanks. They look like they may be important. No little windows in them, so they can't be bills. So I noticed. Well, I got a knife. You want me to slit them open for you? No, thanks. But if you're so handy, there's a pan of potatoes you can peel. Oh, well, maybe I better get back to the office. That's what I was thinking. You're sure you don't want those letters open before I go? That's the general idea, Sammy. Now run along. OK. But remember to call me if anything starts burning. Whatever in the world for. Because from now on, you're looking at Smokey and Sammy, doubling for Dalmatian on Engine Company 3. Now back to our two stars, Irene Dunn and Fred McMurray in the second act of our story. It's the same evening. The evening that Susan has arranged for George to call on patients. The trap has been set at Susan's house, and George, feeling like a big hunk of cheese, is the bait. Now George, patients is coming right in. Tell her I'm phoning and ask her to wait until I get back. Sammy failed us this morning, so now it's up to you. Well, if Sammy couldn't do it, what chance do I have? Now George, all you have to do is be your usual sweet self. Well, all right. I'm just putty. I don't have to wait till morning. I hate myself right now. Miss Susan. Where's Miss Susan? Well, she just remembered an important phone call, patients. She'll be right back. Sit down, won't you? I don't mind if I do. Been on my feet all day. Such tiny feet, too. My feet are big enough to keep me from blowing over in a strong wind. That's what feet are for. Yes. Patients, what time do you get up in the morning? What difference does it make? Well, no difference. I was just wondering how long and hard your day was. Mornings when I don't feel so good, I stay in bed till 6.30. And when you're feeling tops? 5 o'clock on the nose. I got up at 5 in the morning. That's how it would be, on my nose. Some people have ambition and some don't. Meaning me, I suppose. Why do you say those things to me, patients? I've always been very fond of you. Why should you be fond of me? Why? Well, because you're charming, intelligent, you have a wonderful disposition, a sense of humor. And you're a handsome woman. Sounds like the Blarney Stone kicked you right in the teeth. I beg your pardon? I'm not charming. I don't have the sense to come in out of the wet. I've got a mean disposition. I never said anything funny in my life. And the only handsome thing about me is my teeth. And they're not even mine. Well, as I always said, patients, you should know. Well, the least you could do is give me an argument. I could be wrong, you know. Patients, I make it a point never to argue with a woman. Maybe that's what's wrong with you. Ever think of that? No. No. That never occurred to me. OK. Pick any subject you like, and we'll argue. One fall to a finish. Sometimes I think you're a little flaky. A little flaky? Off your rocker. Oh, but you just said you wanted me to argue with you. Then go time to argue with anybody. When Miss Susan gets through that phone call, hell will all be in the kitchen. But patients, Susan, you can come out now. Tell me everything, George. How did it go? To make a long story short, patients probably loves every man in the world but me. Oh, no. I told you I wouldn't be any good at this charm stuff or any other way. Right now, I wouldn't care if she married all five of those guys. George, think what that would mean for me. The world won't come to an end if she goes away and gets married. Oh, now don't stand there arguing, George. I guess I know what I'm talking about. One wants to argue with me. The other one doesn't. Sometimes I wonder why I came here. Yes, sometimes I wonder too. OK. I'll go, and then we can both stop wondering. You're going to leave me? Patience is going to leave me? I'll be all alone. Oh, no. You won't. When she answers those five letters, you'll have five guys around here. Pick out what she doesn't want, and the best of luck to both of you. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Hello. Ms. Patience Wentworth? That's right. My name is Norman Rutland. I'm putting together a cookbook featuring wholesome American recipes. I understand you're quite famous here in Hisdale for your culinary art. I believe he had several of your dinners as a guest of your employee. Miss Susan Armstrong? Oh, sure, I remember. He ate until he almost fell off the chair. Well, that's the sort of dish I'm looking for. Could I visit you and look over your recipes? I'm paying twenty-five dollars apiece for those I use. Twenty-five dollars for one of my recipes? That's right. I'll be right down to the hotel. Oh, well, it might be better if I came to see you. I'll need cooking instructions and all that. Tonight? Seven-thirty? Maybe earlier? Seven-thirty will be just fine. And thank you so much. Thank you? Twenty-five dollars and I've got a million of them. Morning, sir. I'm Miss Armstrong. Miss Susan, this is Patience. The most wonderful thing has just happened. Patience, where are you? At home. Where else? I was wondering if I could have dinner a little earlier tonight. There's a man coming to see me and it's very important. A man? Ah, I was wondering if you could help me get fixed up for his visit. You know, maybe a new coat of paint for the old war horse? Oh, you're not an old war horse. Then maybe we could do something with my hair so it won't look so much like hay. Yes, Patience. We can have dinner early and I'll help you all I can. I'm not much on fancy talk so I'll just say thanks. Oh, Patience, would it be all right if I bring George home for dinner? Sure. This is the most important night of my life and not even George can spoil it. Oh, maybe I should have worn that green wool jersey. No, Patience. This silk tappet is simply divine. Besides, it rustles when you walk. Well, when he comes I don't want to go downstairs sounding like a tree in the wind. No, believe me, this dress really does something for you. Doesn't it sort of hide my figure? Yes, I know, but that's why I think it's just a perfect choice. Look at my hair, will you? Oh, no, no. Well, that looks kind of like a halo on your head. Maybe, but I don't think they're wearing straw halos these days. How about barring some of that hair lacquer you use? By all means. Go right into my room and help yourself. It's on my dressing table. Then I'd better be getting downstairs. It's almost 7.30. Now, look, you do nothing of the sort. How would it look for you waiting at the door like a schoolgirl on her first date? When I was a schoolgirl and had my first date, I didn't wait at any door. Went out and got it myself. But you've got a point there. Of course I have. Now, George and I will be downstairs to welcome him, and when he comes, we'll call you. By the way, what's his name? Norman Rutland. Pretty, isn't it? Yes, it certainly is. Patience is waiting upstairs, George. We're supposed to call her when he comes. She's lacquering her hair. A little varnish on her face might help. His name is Norman Rutland. But we won't have much time to work on him. Once she hears the door chime, she'll be expecting us to call her right away. George, you've solved everything. I have? How? We won't give him a chance to ring the door chimes. We'll meet him at the door, and that way we can get rid of him and she'll never know he's even been here. Yeah, slightly dangerous, I'd say, but it might work. Hey, look, coming up the walk. That must be that Rutland now. Go on, go to the door, George, quick, before he rings. Well, well, Mr. Rutland, come in, come in. We've been expecting you. Thank you. But I believe you have the advantage of me. Oh, I'm George Harvey. Glad to know you. Come in, come in. How do you do? Thanks, I will. Well, Mr. Rutland, this is Miss Susan Armstrong. Oh, Mr. Rutland, this is a pleasure. How do you do? You must be Miss Wentworth's employer. Patient? Yes, I am. Well, let's get comfortable. Might be a little wait. Patience is making up her face. Two-hour job, sometimes more. Not much of a face to work with, but you know how women are. Oh. How do you find things, Mr. Rutland? Things? I mean, everything, you know. Oh, well, quite well, thank you. But really, Miss Wentworth, you'd not have bothered. After all, how important is a face? You're not interested in her face? I assure you, her face does not matter in the least. Well, I must say that certainly is broad-minded, isn't it, George? Yes, yes, certainly is, but then he's never seen patience. I'm wondering if we're talking about the same thing. Oh, yes, yes, we are. Patience has told me all about it. You see, I'm really interested in her cooking. Her cooking? Her cooking? Oh, I beg your pardon. Forgive me, but when anyone mentions cooking and patience in the same breath, I have to laugh. But I'm not sure that I follow you. Oh, soggy potato pancakes. You've never seen anything like them in your life, Mr. Rutland. Soggy, you say? But potato pancakes should be crisp and dainty and dry. Oh, well, her squash all over the place. You can almost dunk in them like a fried egg. True. This is very odd. I understood she had some excellent and rare recipes. Oh, that. Well, you're probably referring to what I call the Wentworth Wiggles, Susan. Oh, the Wentworth Wiggles. The Wentworth Wiggles. Yes, it's a spaghetti dish she makes. No character. It's a baffled dish. No, it just flops on your plate and stares at you with sauce in its eyes. How extraordinary. But if her cooking is so vile, why do you tolerate her around? Oh, well, she really needs the work. Yes. You see, I try to keep her out of the kitchen just as much as I can. I see. It's strange how some people can build a reputation on nothing at all. Yes, yes, isn't it, Mr. Rutland? But then patience always was good at talking a great meal. Well, forgive me for having troubled you. I'll be running along. It's been a pleasure, Miss Armstrong. Mr. Harvey. Yes, it has. Mr. Rutland, you have no idea. It's eight thirty, George. I wonder how long she's going to stay up there. Maybe she put on too much lacquer and got stuck to the mirror or something. Nope, here she comes. Didn't he come yet? Oh, no, patience. Maybe he got hung up somewhere. No, he isn't here. But now he's not coming. Don't take it so hard, patience. Maybe it's all for the best. Oh, sure. If you can figure what's good about losing two hundred dollars. Two hundred dollars? You mean you gave him that much money? Do I look flaky or something? That's what he was going to pay me. Pay you for what? Recipes for the cookbook he's putting together. I figured I could sell him at least eight. Oh, well. Recipes? Cookbook? You mean he wasn't interested in you personally? No more than I was interested in him. Oh. What's the matter with you? I'm rolling for Susan too. Oh, that's him. I just know that's him. Oh, I hope with all my heart it is. But I'm sure it isn't. Oh, just Sammy from the office. Sammy? Some more letters came for patience in the afternoon mail and I thought they might be important so I brought them over. Thanks, but you didn't need to bother. Might as well chuck them in the fireplace with all the rest. But patience. Those letters, you're burning them. But you're adding the paper. I know, silliest thing I ever did in my life. Tootsie Bender, she's a friend of mine back in Minnesota and old enough to know better, coming down here in a few weeks. She has an idea she ought to get married. So she asked me to run that ad in the paper down here and save her the answers. Oh, I see. So that was it. I'll just tell her she didn't get a single nibble. That old fool's kept out of trouble this long and I ain't going to be the one to start getting her into it. Oh, patience. Patience. I've done a horrible thing. You getting engaged to George? No. No. Oh, then just take it easy, honey. You've got nothing to worry about. Well, I like that. Our stars Irene Dunn and Fred McMurray will return in just a moment. George, tell me, how did you make out? How do I always make out? Don't tell me you messed this up, too. I did not. Mr. Rutland understood perfectly. He must have thought I was out of my mind. Yeah, I told him that. That's why he understood perfectly. You didn't. He's accepted an even dozen of Patience's recipes and paid her $300 as per agreement. Oh, wonderful. I've just come from your house and Patience has already tucked the money away. Well, wherever she tucks money away. And she's not angry with you anymore, is she? Not only is she not angry, but she has created a special dish in my honor, which she is in the process of preparing at this very moment. A special dish? What is it? It's called Old Southern Hash a la Harvey. And I deem it a great honor, ma'am, if you'd have dinner with me tonight at your house. Mr. Harvey said I could just kiss you for asking me. Well, you just go ahead, honey. There ain't nothing stopping you. Mr. Harvey, you are so right. Irene Dunn and Fred McMurray will be back next week in another exciting comedy adventure in the gay new series Bright Star. This is Wendell Niles inviting you to join us then.
